What should I do??

What.should.I.do???
So...I have been eating everything...by mass quantities...for quite some time now.
Back in February/March I think I had an emotional breakdown. I had reached a point where,  I WAS DONE. Tired of counting...tired of exercising...tired of beating myself up for not doing more of this or not being better at that. A constant state of disappointment for no reason. I should have done more. I could have done more. This probably isn't as healthy as I should eat. I need more of those. I can't eat that anymore. 30 minutes of walking isn't strenuous enough, so it doesn't count. ETC...ETC...ETC.
After a year of those frequent thoughts it took it's toll on me. I did have good thoughts and moments of "I'm really doing a good job" too.  But, still...I will always expect more from myself.
As I have said before, I classify myself as an "Unrealistic Optimist". I have a "go-getter" attitude most of the time. Which, in a lot of cases, is good. But...I tend to bite off more than I can chew or underestimate how long something will take or how hard something will be.
Let me give you a couple of scenarios. Food... I will approach a diet with the plan of changing every bad habit that I have over night without any problems. I will eat lots of fruits...lots of veggies...I won't even have a desire to eat sugar...I will not be tempted by all those commercials...I will drive past fast food places and not even glance over...and it will be so easy. I mean, seriously...I'll picture it...in my head. And then, I'll think that it's is realistic thinking.
Same goes with exercise. I will plan out some ambitious routine. Every day I will do something. And, not just a little bit...a 1-2 hour commitment each day. Again...I picture it...in my head. It goes something like this...I wake up, FULL of energy, get the kids off to school, put my tennis shoes on and then just kick some butt. I'll start by walking or maybe even jogging for an hour...then...I do some other form of exercise! Will it be Xbox Zumba...Balance ball exercises, circuit training? Who knows?!? But, whatever it is...I'm gonna kick ass and love every second of it!!
So...this is where my "Unrealistic Optimism" smacks me in the face. I have now just set up a plan to COMPLETELY change all of my bad habits at the same time. And, I honestly think that I won't have any problem with it. But...what I'm really doing is setting myself up for disappointment. Do I think I can do all of those things? Sure I do! But, not all at the same time.
Small Steps. Keep it Simple. Moderation. Balance. I can do this. It's ok.
These words and sayings have become frequent recordings in my head. I repeat them over and over. I have to, in order to stay focused.
So...this is where I am at mentally at the moment. I have soul searched. I have come up with plans...over and over. One day, I'll be totally motivated to take this approach. And then, the next day, I will be certain that this approach is better. I am just plain confused and stuck. What do I do??
Before I had kids, I was a Store Manager for a retail store called Van Heusen...and I was a darn good one, in my opinion. I got the job done, I was organized and had a plan of action everyday. I would make a list of jobs and knock them out...usually. ;) It felt great to have a plan.
After I had kids and as I have gotten older and been my own boss so to speak, I have become very relaxed in my responsibilities. I make sure my kids are taken care of. But, the things that I have on my "mental checklist" for myself will get put on the back burner quite a bit. I'll do it tomorrow. It can wait. It's not that important.
As a Store Manager, I knew that I had certain responsibilities each day, so I did them, plain and simple. It was just part of my day. In the beginning, as a stay at home mom, it was the same thing. I still had that "Store Manager" job, I had certain responsibilities. I knew what I had to do each day. I had baby routines, then toddler routines, then baby routines again, then toddler routines again. That got me along for 9 years. Then... all my kids were in school full time. It was just me. Now what?? I'm lost. I have no set responsibilities during the day. What do I do??
That's when I started this journey. I said to myself, "Ok, Jill. You are 200 lbs overweight. It's time to take care of you." It took me about 6 months to really get started, then I jumped in full force. I had a great ride for about 6 months, then had a roller coaster ride for 6 months. Then, I had a melt down because of the degree of change that had just occurred over the past year. And now, 6 months later, and because of this breakdown, I have fallen off the wagon, gained back way too much weight.
But...during this past 6 months, I have done some major soul searching, And, I now know what I need to do.
Food. I know that I need some form of counting. It's the only way that I can do it right now...even though I get irritated by it. I have tried to use my "best judgment" but that fails every time. Question is...do I do Weight Watchers or do I do MyFitnessPal?? Points or Calories? They each have their pros and cons. With WW, I can eat fruits and veggies and not have to count anything...it's almost like having a small amount of freedom. I also have the "extra" points which is kind of like giving myself that special pass to indulge in something. With MyFitnessPal, I'll count calories which is so much easier when I'm grocery shopping. But, it feels a lot more restricted for some reason. If I go over in calories, that's it...no reserve. And, I refuse to take pills, order special meals, or go on "Fad" diets. I want real food and normal eating. And, I take enough pills so I don't want to screw up my body with any more.
Exercise. This is where having the "Store Manager daily duties" mentality will come into play. Whenever I opened the store, there were certain things I had to do in order to get the store ready for business. And, this is how I will approach exercise. Exercise will be my way of getting ready for business. I used to work 5-6 days full time in management or 3-4 days part time as an associate. So, I am going to start exercising part time at first, so I don't get burnt out too quickly. "Small steps". I am going to walk for sure, throw in some swimming and include some FUN activities. As time goes by, I will start full time by increasing the duration, frequency and difficulty levels.
This is how I feel that I can get back into the groove and not overwhelm myself too much. I can have the structure and accountability that I need without so much stress. I know that I'll have to do things that I don't want to. But...I don't have to make it unbearable and unrealistic. Just "Keep it Simple"

A Blessed Life

Brett

  



 Colby

 

 Sydney

 

 

My Husband

 

 

My Parents

 

 

My kids. My husband. My parents. I am so blessed!

I have to say that I have been spoiled since the day I was born. I look around and see so many kids that have had to grow up with divorced parents or an unhappy home life, and it breaks my heart. I do not take for granted what I have. I know what I have. I have two parents that have been by my side since the very beginning and haven't left it for 36 years. I have a husband that is darn near perfect. I have 3 kids that I couldn't be more proud of. And, not to mention all of the other fantastic people in my life that have impacted me in so many ways.

My Mom. I have a mom that always has a smile on her face. She always makes me feel like the most important person on this earth. She would stay up late just to hear about my day. Whenever I would come home, I would be greeted with a great big smile and a big loud and excited "Hi Honey!" And, to this day, I still remember that and how special it made me feel...and she still does it too. And, what's even better is...she does the same thing to my kids. It just puts a big smile on my face. Because I know, that even though it is just a simple expression...it is one that will make a lasting impression. My mom is also very thoughtful and always thinks of the little things. She observes and remembers all of my favorites and hears me when I mention something that I may want or like...even if I forgot I said anything. And, I am always surprised by it when I see it as part of my birthday present, Christmas present or a "Just Because" present. She would often surprise me with $20 on the counter when I woke up, so I could order pizza or go out to lunch or whatever. I can always count on her to listen and offer advice when I need it. We can be so silly together and make each other laugh all the time. We have the same sense of humor and bust up laughing at the same things and then laugh even harder because we're each laughing at the same thing. Then my dad just shakes his head. She is always so much fun to be around. I have such a great relationship with my mom and I know I can talk to her about anything. She is not only my mom, she is my best friend.

I have a dad that is so full of knowledge and wisdom. He may think that I don't listen, but I hear every word he says. I just don't do everything he suggests or advises. I'm pretty stubborn and have to learn things on my own. My dad has been my biggest coach in life. He has always been that reliable and dependable source of guidance whenever it came to anything that I have been involved in, whether it was a sport, activity, job opportunity, a difficult decision that I had to make or just that "help me figure this out please" rationalization that I need. He has enthusiastically coached several of my softball teams and would even come home and figure out the statistics of how each of the girls' were averaging with hits and runs and whatever else he could calculate. He has a gift of being able to see several sides of every situation and come up with the most reasonable and successful method of approaching an issue or problem. I can always count on him to have the answers. He shows so much excitement for certain things that even though I may not be that thrilled, his excitement makes me love it. He could travel everyday if my mom would let him. He remembers every detail of every trip we've ever been on. He is extremely thoughtful and complimentary. He makes me feel like the most beautiful girl in the world, right along side my mom and Sydney. He is a very positive person and always looks on the bright side of life. I hope he knows what a special person he is.

My husband. This is where I know I have been spoiled beyond comprehension, beyond belief. I went straight from a fantastic childhood with loving and supportive parents to a marriage that couldn't be more perfect. We are truly soul mates. We have the BEST relationship and it just gets better and better. He is a man that was designed nearly perfect in my eyes. What a gentle, kind, loving, hard working, intelligent, thoughtful, silly, loyal, dependable...oh my gosh, I could go on and on. Bottom line is...Mike is down right AWESOME! We don't argue or fight, we NEVER raise our voices at each other. Yes, we have disagreements sometimes, but we communicate with each other respectfully and listen to each other's point of view with an open mind. We don't always end in agreement, sometimes we agree to disagree, but we never belittle each other or become hateful. He treats me like a queen, always there to help me with anything that I need and he'll do it without complaint. He knows me better than I know myself and knows exactly when I need that extra love and he is on it immediately. Whenever I hear him talking about me to someone else, he is ALWAYS saying kind words, I never hear him say negative things about me. Yes, we do have that usual silly teasing that couples have, but he is NEVER hurtful or cruel. We have a lot of the same dreams and goals and we both have the same views on how to raise our kids. If our kids come to one of us for permission or something, we will back each other up and make sure we know what the other has said before answering them. If we don't see eye to eye, we don't shoot each other down in front of the kids. He is a perfect partner in life and I am so blessed to be his wife.

My kids. Wow! I have some fantastic kids. Each of them bring such joy into my life.

Colby is a manager, problem solver, wise beyond his years, very witty and clever, he is the "second mommy" and he makes sure everyone is included and having fun. I love to hear his laugh, he has a great laugh. He is very social and outgoing and super smart. He was fortunately blessed with his dad's knowledge of computers and the ability to absorb information like Mike and my dad. He wants to be successful and wants to please others.

Brett is my sweet, sensitive one. I just want to pick him up and squeeze him all day. He knows when his mom needs that extra help. He can sense when I've had a bad day and is always there to make it better.  He is the silly one and loves to have fun. He is extremely smart also and has the same talent for computers as Colby. He has a drive and determination to succeed in whatever he is involved with at that time. It may be a short lived hobby, but he is in it whole hearted with the desire to soak up any knowledge or advice that he can.

Sydney is the sunshine in our house. Always singing and is such a loving and affectionate child. She will hug and kiss on us all day and frequently says "I love you". She'll make up songs and dances and is just entertaining to watch and listen to. She loves to read books and also has that brain for computers. She is much smarter than she leads on and frequently surprises me with the things she knows and remembers. She is a blunt and honest child. She is so much like me that it makes me laugh sometimes because I know what is going on in her brain. She is very silly and always has a smile.

My kids each have unique qualities that make them so different from one another. But...they all get along fantastically and behave themselves almost all of the time. I have been so fortunate to have 3 such wonderful kids. They are respectful and listen. If I ask them to do something, I rarely get attitude. I don't have to put up with temper tantrums or crying outbursts because they are all so easy going and understand that sometimes they won't get their way. We all just have so much fun together. Lots of laughs and hugs and good times. We all have great relationships and feel comfortable communicating openly. I am one lucky mom!!

The reason that I felt the need to highlight these 6 people in my life is because they are all so VERY important to me and are such key players in my life. And, I love each of them SO much and want to share how each of them has made a difference in my life. And, I feel bad that I make them worry the way that I do with my weight and health problems. I feel like I have let them down once again with how I have been taking care of myself lately. I just want to let them know that I WILL conquer this. It's not easy for me though. I have a lot of mind wars that go on in my head that many people don't understand, but I am tackling each of these wars and really trying to figure out how to change my way of thinking so I can gain control over this. Just know that I am never giving up. I may fall off the wagon sometimes, but I will always get back on. I don't want to die young, it is a huge fear of mine. That is why I am determined to make the changes necessary to keep that from happening. I have learned a lot about myself and I feel that I have a good idea of how to turn this around. It's not the aggressive approach that I had to begin with. It is an approach that I know I can maintain for the rest of my life. But, it still involves some big, difficult changes. And, that scares me. But...I know I can do it!!

I also want to say that I have many other important people in my life that mean SO much to me, you aren't forgotten.  And, I thank and love you all from the bottom of my heart for the support and love that I receive from each of you.