Attitude is everything.

What went up, MUST come down. Plain and simple. It's right there in the title of this blog. I know this. I'm not stupid. I know that how I'm eating and what I'm doing to my body is affecting my health. But, right now, I have never felt so helpless. For a long time, things were going so well....I was in the zone...untouchable...complete tunnel vision and focused on the goal. Then POW! mental and emotional breakdown. It is extremely frustrating because I feel so out of control right now. I have been trying to wrap my brain around it. I am a strong woman and I ordinarily can push through anything. But, this just feels so much stronger than I am.
Years ago, when I lost weight, and then fell back into my old habits, it was almost a relief. I was relieved that I didn't have to worry anymore. I could eat and do what I wanted again. No more stressing about points or exercising. Yes...I knew I needed to lose weight, but there was nothing, other than body image, that was the concern...in my mind.
Now that I have lost enough weight to see the positive effects of what being thinner brings, it bothers me that I am falling back into old habits. Because I know what it feels like to be healthier and more energetic, and I loved those feelings! That is why I am so pissed at myself for being in the spot that I am right now. But still...I am not naïve to the fact that there is something bigger going on with me. It's not just about stubbornness or lack of will power. This is something that will take much more work from me mentally to overcome. But, I am ready for that challenge.
I have discovered what my problem is, and in my opinion, it is something that I can fix without pumping myself full of 'prescriptions' to help me. I feel the more drugs in my body, the more symptoms that I'm going to have to overcome. I don't need or want any other side effects to screw me up more than I already am. Now, I know that I have hormonal imbalances...but who doesn't?? I also know, that if I make the obvious changes...the ones that I have experienced the positive results from by orchestrating them in the past...I will get myself back in line. However...I need to do this in a manner that is realistic, livable and attainable. That's the tricky part.
But first...I have to work on my attitude and stop being such a child at the fact that I have to do something that I really don't want to. I need to prioritize and make the changes necessary that will make the most impact.

When I was diagnosed with Type 2 Diabetes when I was 30 years old, I was in denial, because I didn't feel any of the symptoms or side effects of it. I was told that I had it, and then I wrote it off like it was no big deal. I rarely checked my sugar levels. I felt like, 'what's the point?'. Because, even if the number was high, I wasn't going to change anything. And, I have lived with that attitude this whole time. Well...about a week ago or so, after I ate dinner, I felt awful!! I could feel my blood sugar skyrocket and then my chest felt jittery...if that makes any sense. So, I took my blood sugar, and it was 315!! And that was 2 hours after I ate. NOT GOOD! That scared me. But, it doesn't stop there...I am now noticing all kinds of little issues like, my eyes being out of focus, little prickly feelings in the arch of my foot when I step on it a certain way, dizziness and brain fog (worse than normal). These symptoms are helping me realize the fact that Diabetes is no joke. I do have it. And now, I have to be smart and not act like a little girl that believes it will go away on its own. This is where I need to change my attitude. Diabetes is serious. And, I need to treat it as such.

I am going to be 36 years old next month. I am TOO young to start dealing with the awful things that can happen to Diabetics!! I have GOT to get myself under control! But, my mind is my problem. It's not an easy... give this up, give that up kind of thing for me. There is nothing easy about feeding my body with only the foods that it needs. I think about food every second of the day. I crave food. I get giddy when I think about food. It is seriously a drug for me. And, that is why I feel that this problem is not just about will power or being stubborn. It has become an addiction. And, not many people understand this unless they have been addicted to something. I used to smoke a long time ago. And, I remember what it was like to have something take control over all rational thoughts because of the feeling of peace it gave me for that few minutes. I also remember wanting to quit and how hard it was to give up those moments...give up those habits that I created. But...I did. I quit because I didn't like what it was doing to my body. I was able to be strong enough to tell myself, "NO!" And...I know that I can do it again. But, this time with food. It's not going to be easy because I can't just quit cold turkey like I did with smoking. I have to eat...and I want to do so without eliminating anything. I just need to find alternatives to different foods, so I can still get the pleasures without the negative effects on my body.

For the past several months, I have really been trying the find something to put the blame on for what's going on with me. I wanted that quick fix that will make this easier for me. Just give me a pill to make my brain stop thinking about food all the time. Well...there is no such pill. And, I honestly don't feel there is something malfunctioning in my body anyway. I think I am doing pretty good actually. But what my gut and instincts do tell me is, that this is all mental. And, what I am going to have to do is find that inner strength somewhere that can shut up those voices that tempt me so much. I have developed a very unhealthy relationship with food. And, that's what I need to work on...cutting those ties. Learn to live without being so dependent on food. Eat to live not live to eat.

 

 

 

A Daily Dose of Motivation.

Motivation...inspiration...a good hard smack in the head. It's all necessary to keep my mind on track.
"I can do this by myself." "I don't need help from anyone." "I can give that up, no problem." " I can change every bad habit that I've had my whole life overnight." These are constant self-talks that I've had millions of times over the past 20 years. And, do they work?? NO!
I have learned that I need some form of motivation frequently. I tend to get complacent. My attitude changes from one of being "gung ho" to one of being comfortable and content. Especially when things get difficult. I start to talk myself into being ok with how things are...even though I'm not. And, because of this, I need constant reminders of why I started this journey. I need VISUAL reminders. I need reminders that come from someone or something other than me.
I have been struggling big time with getting my head back into this. I have always known that I have major issues with food. I don't know when it started because I don't remember a time that I didn't love food. And, I have been trying to understand why I go through these stages so often. I mean...I don't have a bad life. I didn't have a horrible childhood. I was never a victim of abuse or anything traumatic. So...what's my excuse? Why do I rely on food to medicate or enhance every emotion?? And, the only thing I could come up with is...addiction. Is this the reason? Is it because I have found something that I love, and now I have become addicted to it? I don't know. But, honestly...the word "addiction" seems so extreme to me. Plus, I have a hard time relating that word to food. I associate it with substances/activities that we engage in, but can live without. Something that we start, but then have to learn to give up. Well...food is something that I need to live. How can I be addicted to something that I won't be able to quit? That doesn't make sense to me. But now, the real question is...how do I become un-addicted? Or can I??
Who knows?? All I know is, that this rant and over-thinking of my current situation, just leads me back to what I've said before..."Who care's what the reason is, just get it under control!" I will always have issues with food. What's important is, that I recognize when I get in my funk and act on it before it gets out of control. So...that is what I am doing. And that...now, takes us back to...motivation.
There are many different kinds of motivation and they all work. Some kinds are uplifting and inspirational...some have a way of reminding me that I'm not alone...some are useful in helping me  feel that unconditional love and acceptance, even when I'm moving backwards...some are just the "in your face, smack in the head" that we all need...and some are just plain funny and help me keep my sense of humor about the whole thing.
Family and friends are HUGE distributors of this motivation for me. I appreciate SO much all the love and support that I have received EVERY step of the way, and still receive daily. It is so hard to not only lose the weight and improve my health, but it's also hard to maintain that drive to keep it going. And, not to mention...how hard it is to get back on the horse again, after I have fallen off and broken my spirit. I am just so lucky to have such a big circle of family and friends that love me and want nothing but the best for me. No matter how many times I fall off that horse, there is always someone to help boost me back up. Or, that someone to hear me out without making me feel stupid for having the issues that I do. Family and friends offer a form of motivation that helps me feel the unconditional love and acceptance. They also remind me that I'm not alone.

 

There are also times when I just need to take a few minutes and read some uplifting quotes or stories. They don't have to be super long and preachy. Some are very simple, yet direct and to the point. And, these help to reset my attitude and then get my state of mind back into the positive thinking again.

Some methods of motivation are "slap me in the face"! Hard to look at, but necessary to remember why I am going through all of this! I have not been in many pictures in the past 10 years or so because of the humiliation that I feel when I see what I've done to myself. But...these pictures are exactly what I need to see in order to keep me motivated.

Don't get me wrong...I don't hate myself. I love the person that I am. I am just upset at what I have done to myself physically and what I have done to my health. These pictures help remind me to stay on the right path.

HUMOR...I LOVE HUMOR. It is such a huge part of who I am. So...how could I not use humor to keep me motivated.

 

 

So...there it is folks. Losing weight, getting healthy, changing bad habits, being compassionate with myself, having patience in doing hard things and keeping a positive state of mind...they all require help from different sources of motivation in order to stay on track. With getting a daily dose of motivation, I can get that boost that I need to keep me going.

A new approach. Small Victories. 18 month before and after pictures.

In a world where we are constantly comparing ourselves to everyone else, it is so easy to lose sight of who we really are. And, I frequently catch myself trying to be or do something just like someone else.
I am not wonder woman, nor do I care to be. I have no desire to juggle multiple tasks, appointments, engagements just to prove that I can. When I do make the mistake of doing that, it sets me up for a meltdown somewhere down the road. Maybe not right away...but eventually. Plus the fact, it turns me into a person that I don't recognize or like very much. I love my personality. I always have. It is something that I know will never fade. I have realized lately that I have to be careful how much I take on because when I'm stressed, it changes my personality. I become sad, withdrawn, irritable and just not as fun to be around. And, I don't like those qualities at all! They are not who I am.
During this weight loss journey, I have veered off the path of where I thought I was going. I am in a tough situation right now because I am torn with "Do I choose a lifestyle that is comfortable and one that I can maintain?" or "Do I choose a temporary 'Kick Butt' lifestyle that will get me to my goal sooner, but stresses me out and frequently pisses me off?" I can tell you the one I'd rather choose. But...is that the wussy choice? Should I just grin and bear it and get it done? The more I think about it, the more I lean towards the choice of a lifestyle that may not be the "push myself" lifestyle, but it's the one that I know will not change my personality because of me being miserable.
In the beginning, the aggressive manner that I took this on worked for me. But, after awhile I grew tired of it and burnt out. I tried to convince myself that I loved it, and sometimes I really did. What was the most exciting thing about this aggressive approach were the results I was getting, and quickly. But, the issue that I was having was, that my body can't project these awesome results every week. But, that's what I wanted. So, when I was seeing the weeks/months with the lower numbers, it left me feeling very discouraged. And, that led to a mind frame of "screw it". Which compounded the inconsistent results and in turn resulted in more "screw it" episodes...it then became a vicious cycle.
This is why, I have been thinking long and hard, about how I want to proceed. What method(s) will work best for me and my fragile state of mind. And, I think a more casual approach is what I need. At least for right now. I have a lot of BAD habits to overcome and work on. As much as I appreciate the advice and suggestions of how and what and when I need to eat and exercise, it overwhelms me. The "extra" rules, boggle my brain. Then I get frustrated and revert back to my old ways. Right now, I'm just tired. My body is tired. My brain is tired. I'm just worn out. I am going to proceed with cooking the way that I am used to. I am going to use the foods that I know. I will make the additions that I need to see the results in a pace that is realistic. I was trying to turn myself into a person that was so unnatural to me. I admire and commend those of you that can maintain these extreme diets. But, it is not for me. I enjoy food. I am blessed to have no allergies to food. So, I don't feel that it's necessary to stress myself out with a complicated diet. However, I am Diabetic, so I do need to control my sugar. That I can handle. In time, as I get thinner and can get my bad habits under control, I am sure I will be ready to step it up. But, for right now...small steps.
I am going to have the same approach with exercise. I enjoy walking and swimming. Easy breezy ways of staying active. The only worry I have about not having a tougher exercise schedule is the amount of skin I will have after I lose all of my weight. Other than that, I could care less if I run a marathon or can bench press 100 lbs. or can do 50 burpees. I have never been one of those people that enjoys the active lifestyle. Although, I do love to watch people that enjoy the active lifestyle. ;) Don't get me wrong, I love a good 'ol fun game of softball or something like that, but I am far from being a "gym rat".
Over the past year I have had so many "small victories". And, those have been a big contributor in my desire to keep this journey going and not giving up like I usually do.
Here are a few of the more recent ones.
1. I fit into an airplane seat without having to use the extension piece to buckle in!! This one was probably the most rewarding for me. It is so embarrassing to be that "FAT" lady that everyone stares at and rolls their eyes at in disgust. And, the fact that I needed to ask for an extension just poured extra salt in the wound. So, when I got on an airplane in March to fly to Texas, I was excited to try to buckle in without that stupid extension. Mike and the boys were sitting in the row across from me and were waiting with excitement to see if I could do it. I had to wiggle and adjust a little...but when I put those two pieces together and heard "snap"...all of our smiles got so big!! I actually felt like a normal sized person for a change. That was a GREAT moment!!

2. On that same plane ride, I had another victory. Guaranteed, whenever I have to walk down a narrow aisle or try to go through one of the turnstiles, I have to shove my big butt through sideways. But, when I walked onto that airplane...carrying lots of bags, even...I was able to walk down that narrow aisle facing forward!! This impacted me several ways. I, not only was able to walk down to my seat like a normal person, but I also didn't worry about knocking someone over with the big back pack that I always have. And...I didn't get those "disgusted" looks that I love so much.

3. I was able to ride in a Go-Kart for the first time in years!! I finally got to race my boys and be a part of the fun instead of just watching from the sidelines. And, an added bonus was that I got to experience this with Sydney on her first time. She was finally tall enough to ride and I was able to be a part of that.

                                                             I even got first place!!

 

4. I completed an "official" 5K race. It was untimed and a walking 5K, but the fact that I even signed up for it was pretty unbelievable. I have walked an unofficial 5K before this one that was coordinated to help jumpstart my journey. It was then repeated as a tradition the following year. But, these were just in fun with some great friends to keep me company. The 5K that I completed this year was for the Ronald McDonald House and I always enjoy giving to great charities.

This was my number. And, I can't lie, the first thought that went through my head was..."WHY do I have to have the number of an airplane??" As if I didn't feel self conscious about my size already...let's just put a big label on me as a big "747" airplane. LOL! But, I turned those negative thoughts around and looked at it as if I was going to "fly" through the race like a big jet.... I didn't. But, it was a nice thought anyway. :)

To make it even better, I had a great friend cheering me on the whole time. Heidi ran the 5K while I was walking it, but once she was done, she walked back to find me and then walked with me to the end. I was pretty pooped by that point, so it was a nice surprise and just the face I needed to see to keep me going. She has been one of my biggest cheerleaders since the very beginning!

I have signed up for another race with Heidi for this September called the Dirty Dash! I am actually pretty excited about this one...kinda worried too. I've put some weight back on and my stamina isn't as good as it has been. But, I have 3 months to work on that.

5. I went to California Adventure with the family in May and I was able to fit on 2 more amusement park rides that I have been wanting to go on for a long time!! I have learned though, that I can't handle rides like I used to when I was younger and that is disappointing.

This is the Symphony Swing. I LOVE to swing and this one always looked like so much fun, but I never wanted to risk the humiliation of not fitting in the seats. But, this time I wanted to try. I couldn't fit in the single rider seat, but I could fit in the double seat. Not ideal...still kinda embarrassing...but I fit!! And...I was about to throw up! This is where I learned I'm too old for this stuff. :(

This was the roller coaster. Now...this was fun!!!! I got buckled in NO problem!! So exciting!

So, these "small victories" which in all seriousness are very big victories, are just a few that I've experienced. I have also dropped clothing sizes and been able to do certain things that I couldn't do before. There's lots of little things that I notice, but I forget to write them down.

As of now, I have lost roughly 55 lbs since I began in January 2012. At one point I was down 85 lbs, which was awesome! But, I have had a rough 2013 so far. It started off ok, but in February I started taking some vitamins that I didn't realize were messing with my head until 3 months later. I stopped taking them and have felt like I'm in my right mind again, finally. I just couldn't fathom that vitamins would have such an impact on my mental state, but they did. And, unfortunately, it took me 3 months to figure that out. Now, I'm just struggling to get back on track and fix everything that got screwed up during that time.
So here are some before and after pictures. I'm about 30lbs heavier now than I was in February, but I still look better than I did when I started.
Here are the posts of results from my 6 month and 12 month mark. Right now, I'm at the 18 month mark.
http://jillrowland.blogspot.com/2013/01/a-year-in-reviewwith-before-and-after.html

http://jillrowland.blogspot.com/2012/07/6-month-results-with-pictures.html

I was reluctant to take these pictures because I knew I had put on weight since my last "results" post, but I'm glad I did. It is proof of how far I've come in 18 months. Granted I have had more setbacks than I would have liked, but I'm still in the game and ready for the next round. I am optimistic that my new relaxed approach will be the one that I need to help get my head back in the game. The kids are out of school for the summer, so my goal is to enjoy my time with them and include them in this journey. As a family we are going to focus on eating healthier and having fun. NO stress. I'm not going to stress all of us out with overloaded schedules. I will get to my goal...that's a promise.