Back on Track

Black and White. All or Nothing. Perfection or Failure. There is a lot of "in between" that I'm missing by living this way.
I've had a mini meltdown. As it is a so perfectly obvious from my last post. But, no worries...I am ok.
As Aimee has put it, I need a "mental break". And, she is absolutely right.
Since January of 2012, I have been focused on exercise and losing weight. It has consumed my every thought. I wanted to take FULL advantage of having the luxury of being a stay at home mom with all my kids in school. I have neglected myself so much that I gained over 200 lbs since high school. So now, it was time to focus on me and get this body back into good health and looking good again!
A great friend of mine, McKell, introduced me to her friend that was a trainer, Aimee. And, Aimee has changed my life! Granted, I was the one that had to put in the effort, but she was the one that took me under her wing. I joined Weight Watchers, started following that diligently. I began training with Aimee. And, soon after that...my transformation began. It has been such a great journey. And, I have changed so much.
I have been able to stick with this like nothing I have ever attempted before. Consistently tracking my food and exercising several days a week. And, I have been doing this for over a year...which, for me, is a miracle. But lately, I have noticed the desire to track and exercise decreasing. And, this is freaking me out. It's aggravating to worry about every little bite that goes in my mouth and have to figure out it's point value or how many calories it is. It's tiring to have to go do some form of exercise most days and not get to spend a whole day doing nothing. So...with that being said, this is why I need a "mental break". I need to regroup. I need that satisfaction of eating and not counting. I need the chance to have several days, entirely uninterrupted, to work on the little projects that have been put off.
And, the fact that Aimee even said I needed it, made me feel less guilty about doing it. And, let me just tell you...it has been wonderful! I have been able to just relax. Enjoy my home. Get things done. I have cleaned and organized. I have been able to focus on those "eye-sores" and get them done. It's amazing how much an organized room or uncluttered countertop can really lift your mood. I feel accomplished. I feel "caught up". It's hard to be able to focus on myself guilt free when in the back of my mind there is so much I want to do. This is how not exercising as much has helped me.
Food. This is where I get in trouble. Not counting. OOOOHHHH dear! I'll just say that, I have my work cut out for me. But, I am ok with that. It has been nice to just eat.
I can feel my emotions are getting back under control. I feel rested. I feel ready to move on to Round 2. This little breather is just what I needed. I know this delays my progress physically, but as I've said before...I am working on FULL body transformation. And, this is helping my emotional health.
There have been a couple of things that have been stress contributors over the past several months. Sydney and seeing a new doctor to get blood work done and have full body work up.
I am pleased to say that Sydney is coming out of her funk. She had her tonsils taken out. Thank goodness!! But, even before that, her clinginess was getting better. The nighttime routine is pretty much back to normal. The mommy attachment is not 100% gone yet, but is MUCH better than it was. Her moods and emotions aren't so all over the place like they were. And, this has helped my mood and irritation level tremendously.
I got the results from all my blood work. My doctor is concerned with my kidneys. She is planning on changing up my medicine that I take for Diabetes and water retention. She doesn't like what I'm currently taking and feels they are hurting my kidneys. My thyroid is being rechecked. The thyroid itself is low, but the hormone that controls it is fine...which is odd. The hormones that are out of whack have a lot to do with the Diabetes. So, once I get that under control, my health will really start to get back to normal. There are still a couple of things I'm waiting to hear back on. I'll have more answers in a few weeks.
I just did another sleep study to see if the weight loss has helped my sleep apnea. I am sad to say, it hasn't. I still have severe sleep apnea. I had over 66 sleep interruptions per hour...any number over 30 interruptions, is considered "severe". The interruptions were because I stopped breathing...I did that periodically for around 10 seconds each time. It's also from my oxygen level dropping...my lowest was 83%. There are also other contributors, but they didn't go over all of them.
All in all...things are starting to get back in to order. For now, anyway. LOL!
All I can say is...I am learning a lot about myself. It's hard to change. It's hard to do things that aren't what you really want to do. I have to breathe and not be so hard on myself. I have to learn to say no. I have to keep pushing myself.
What's the most fun about this whole process is being able to share it with my kids. My kids are totally involved in my progress...good or bad. They pay attention to what I'm doing. They ask how I'm doing. I am completely open and honest with them. I think it is so important to show my kids that I struggle with things too. I have good days and bad days. I have good weeks and bad weeks. The most important thing is...to NOT give up! Stay open-minded, don't be afraid to admit short comings and ask for help. We all need help at some point.
So...the old Jill is emerging again. The strung out basket case had her little episode in a pretty white coat hugging herself in a pretty padded room. I'm ready to go. I have regrouped and I have made a plan of action of the things I want to change. As my body and mind continues to transform, I am sure I will need other periods of regrouping. But...for now, I'm good.
Ding...Ding...Ding...ROUND TWO.

Low Self Esteem...Feelings of Inadequacy

Being put under a micro-scope is a very stressful way to live. I am guilty of doing this to myself. I nit-pick at everything that I do, and it is exhausting! I am currently in a pretty crappy emotional head space and I brought it all on myself. I put so much pressure on myself to be the best at everything that I do, which in all reality, that is what we should all strive for. Problem is...when I don't perform the way that I feel "the best" is, I beat myself up emotionally. And, honestly...I don't really know what "best" is. All I know is...that in my mind, I never get there.
I have ALWAYS had a problem with low self-esteem. And, it's not from my parents or my husband. They are my rocks and are so supportive and complimentary. It is a characteristic that is part of my personality. I may appear strong to most, but I am always insecure about the things that I do...the things that I know...the things that I say. I probably drive Mike nuts with constantly asking him to tell me what to do or if I'm doing what's right. I am not secure in my decisions most of the time, so I need reassurance for a lot. I question myself constantly in just about every aspect of life. I ask for guidance all the time because of my insecurities.
Here are a few examples of areas in which I second guess myself...
Politics. I don't follow politics much. It gives me a headache and I don't understand most of what is being said. So, during election time I relied on Mike and my parents to "dumb it down" for me. Give me a 5 minute low down on the positives and negatives of both parties. Which they did the best they could at helping me understand all the issues in debate. But, even with that, I was seriously considering not voting because I wasn't secure with my choice. I felt that I was doing a disservice by voting for something I didn't feel very informed about. I didn't want to vote the "wrong" person and explain why I voted that way. What I really wanted was for them to tell me who to vote for. Problem was...they didn't agree. SO...that totally screwed me up!! Now, I have to choose for myself and then feel like I didn't "listen" to one of them. This is where low self-esteem sucks. I can't even be ok with my own decision of who to vote for.
Church. I feel completely inadequate at church most of the time. I was blessed with the ability to FORGET everything I read and study almost immediately. And, let me just tell you how frustrating that is. I have a calling where I teach these sweet little kids and I end up learning more from them than they do from me. How is that right? I talk to my friends and other members and they are able to rattle off scriptures and give great references to different scenarios. I know I expect too much of myself most of the time, but I just wish I could retain all these great lessons that I've learned. Maybe then I can feel like I am contributing something.
My kids. My responsibilities. My job as a stay-at-home mom. Where do I begin. I want my kids to excel at everything they do. So, am I doing a good job at being their mom if they don't? I spend too much time on creating charts and timelines to try to keep our household perfectly organized. Why?? I agree with a calendar, so we know what activities we have. I agree with a meal plan so we know what's for dinner. Although, I need to simplify this one. But, really...I just enjoy being laid back. I enjoy getting the work done without the feel of a drill sergeant breathing down my neck. Is that ok? This is what I question. I second guess myself at how I run my own household. Why?? Most likely it is because I am constantly seeing how "wonderful" and "put together" other moms are with their charts and perfectly behaved children. Pinterest is a huge self-esteem killer! It has great ideas for a lot of things. But...it also has an effect on how I view myself. Am I good enough?? Look what they do...I need to do that. I was perfectly happy with my un-scheduled, un-charted, un-meal-planned life. So now...again...I feel inadequate.
My weight loss journey. Emotionally, I am struggling. As I'm sure you've gathered so far by reading this post. LOL. :) So, getting past this, is my biggest concern right now. I am not making much progress physically because I am focusing a lot on my thoughts and hang-ups. I am working on not being so hard on myself. I have to stop "discounting the positives" which means...I need to be happy with all progress. Even if it's not what I feel is "the best". I need to acknowledge all the work I do and give myself credit. My constant state of disapproval and feeling like I should have done more...weighs on me after awhile, which causes my emotional downward spiral. And, that leads to eating. I go through these stages, they usually don't last long. I cry, have my little pity party, do some soul searching, find my inner peace and get over it. Expressing myself is the first step, it helps to let it all out. Sorry for this post being so depressing because of that.
Journey...that is exactly what this is. I am working hard at transforming all areas, not just my waistline. If I am healthy emotionally...everything else will fall into place. I am NOT giving up!! Whether it takes 2 years or 5 years...I WILL conquer this. I WILL reach my goals!!
I am so grateful for all the awesome people in my life that offer so much encouragement and support and cheer me on!! It makes a HUGE difference!! Thank you! Thank you!