A Special Glimpse.

It's time to start saying good bye to that fat girl that I have known for so long.
I have hit a milestone that I have been SO eager to reach for a LONG time!! I'm under 300 lbs!!!! WOO HOO!! These past 8+ weeks have been very frustrating! I have been yo-yoing 10 lbs for 9 weeks...just struggling with all kinds of crap. What an emotional feeling it is to FINALLY break that cycle and see a 200 number! THIS is just what I need to jumpstart this weight loss again and really start seeing the pounds and inches come off again. But now, those stinkin' holidays are coming! This is SO unfair!!
So...getting back to saying good bye to the fat girl. Or...should I say, morbidly obese girl...that is what my official "medical" description is, you know. Nice, right?!? So, we'll start by saying good-bye to that one first. I'm not real sure what the weight ranges for these lovely titles are, and honestly, I really don't care. I'm just going to get rid of it, because...well...I don't like it! Don't get me wrong...I realize I am far from thin...but losing these 75 lbs has really given me a taste of what it's like to not be "morbidly obese".
I have been a "fat girl" all of my life. Not necessarily because I was fat, but because I was always bigger than most of the girls my age. Therefore, I was the "fat girl". And, this is what I had to deal with daily. I was forced to accept it, which meant, I had to figure out how to handle it. Some days I was strong and brushed it off, but some days, I just cried. People can be so hurtful with the things they say...especially kids!
There is so much more involved with this weight loss journey than I thought. It's not just about losing weight and getting my body healthy. It's about healing myself emotionally and psychologically as well. When your teased about being fat all of your life, you end up believing it and it becomes who you are. And those scars, don't just go away when you lose the weight. I have grown up in a mind set of "I'm too fat." "I can't do it, it's too hard" "I can't fit". These are thoughts that are natural reactions to most situations. It's the first response...it has been the only response. So, getting out of that mind set is tricky. It takes a lot of positive self talk and words of encouragement. Which let's just face it, I'm not good at. It's much easier to tell myself what's wrong than what's right. So, the mind set transition may be a lot slower than the actual weight loss. But, lucky for me, I have a lot of special people in my life that help me with that.
So, here is a special glimpse into my head and some of the thoughts that are associated with being an oversized woman. It's almost like panic mode some of the time because of the fear of embarrassment. Whenever I go to a restaurant, I am freaking out about where they will seat us. Will it be a booth? I can't fit into a booth. Will it be too close to someone, to the point that I can't pull my chair out enough? Will the server just cringe when I order because they think 'She should not be eating that! She shouldn't be eating at all!'. It makes eating out more stressful than it needs to be.
When I go to a theater or arena for a movie, concert, sporting event or whatever, I am so stressed out about if I'll fit into the seat. I also make sure I sit on the end, so if I have to get up, I'm not walking over a bunch of strangers with my big butt in their face.
My size is the issue! Will I fit??? Everywhere I go. Will I fit??? It sucks!!! Going to a public restroom...getting into someone else's car...flying on an airplane. It is the same script that goes through my head. It's a script that is engraved in my brain. Will...I...fit?
Sometimes, it's my weight and physical limitations...not my size that worries me. And, the phrase that I repeat in these circumstances is..."I can't physically do this." This is something I am trying to overcome during my training sessions each week. When I gained the weight, I lost a lot of strength. So, convincing myself that I am stronger and can move my body better is tough. I look at some of these exercises and think, "Are you serious?!? There is NO way I can do this! Do you realize how much weight I have to hold up?!" And...to my surprise, I give it a try and I can do it! It's getting past the barriers that I have built in my head, of what I am capable of, that is the hardest part.
This is why those small victories mean so much to me. I am making progress towards deleting those scripts that have been engraved into my brain. Every time I can fit into a seat comfortably, put on a shirt that is a size smaller, walk on the treadmill a little faster and longer, do that exercise that seemed impossible...I am one step closer to "fat girl" freedom!
There are a lot of hurdles, psychologically, that I need to overcome. I understand this. This milestone was HUGE! When I think about losing 75 lbs...I catch myself being negative and thinking, it's not that big of a deal. Because, I know I have SO much more to lose. But, then I stop the negative thoughts and acknowledge just how much weight that is. It is more than what Sydney weighs...I have lost the equivalent of a first grader and then some. That is something to be proud of! And, I need to remember that!!
My next big milestone...100 lbs!!! I don't think I will set a time goal. Ideally, I would LOVE to hit it by my year anniversary in January, but I am also realistic to the challenges of life. Doesn't mean I'm not going to try my hardest though!! ;) Now it's time to blow through those 200's!! I AM READY!!

Finding balance.

Some days I am my worst enemy!
I swear I can get into my own head and really screw with myself! If there is something that I don't want to do, I can rationalize why it's ok not to do it. Not really a talent that is beneficial to my progress. I have the hardest time pushing myself sometimes! I guess that's natural, I just wish it wasn't so frequent.
Sometimes I wonder if, subconsciously, I am afraid to be thin. It is foreign territory for me. I know I'm not even close to being thin right now...but, I am about to be under 300 lbs for the first time in 8 1/2 years. That is just hard for me to imagine. I still remember the day that I hit 300 lbs...not one that I look fondly on, but it stuck with me. My SIL and I were talking about getting in shape and "buddying" up to support each other. So we made posters with goals and some other things on it, to get us charged up and ready to go. We had to weigh ourselves so we'd have a starting point...that was the day I hit over 300. I couldn't believe it!! How did I let myself get that heavy?? Little did I know then, that I would eventually reach 375 lbs...incomprehensible!!
During those 8 years...I was pissed and bitter at the world and in a self-hate mode a lot of the time. How could I let this happen? Why can't I eat what I want and not gain weight? I didn't understand. So...to get back at the world...I ate. Sounds mature, right? Well...I was young and stupid. I'm not saying that I've got it all figured out now...because I don't! But, at least I am smart enough now to realize and admit that my way of thinking back then, was only hurting myself. I just wish it was smart enough to listen.
So...here I am, 35 years old and still dealing with the same inner voices convincing myself to misbehave. Will I ever grow out of that? Eventually, I hope. Although...misbehaving can keep things more fun. As long as it's not illegal, right? I think I am just too hard on myself. It's a give and take...just like in any relationship. Allow myself to have slack off days, but keep diligent the majority of the time. If I'm not enjoying life and what I'm doing, then I won't stick with it.
The secret is finding that balance. How do I balance work and play?? That is the question that stumps most people. I know it does my husband. There are so many things I want to do, need to do and have to do. How do I organize my day to get it all done? Prioritize. What's most important? And, let me just tell you...that changes minute to minute based on my mood! Also...by level of enjoyment. ;) Anyway...everyone has a different formula for how to balance their lives. Some days it works and some days it totally bombs. The best thing we can do is keep our head up, try again, learn from our mistakes and move on.
Life throws so many curve balls. Just stay focused...keep your eye on the ball and knock it out of the park! That's what I have to tell myself whenever I get frazzled and overwhelmed. One day at a time. It'll happen...just stay focused!
In the meantime...I'll just have to keep fighting with my inner voices. They are persistent little buggers!! But, I am stronger and louder and I will win in the end!

Thankful for me

We don't often take the time to express "Thanks" to ourselves. We are always too busy worrying about everything else. Last November, I wrote a post that had lists of top 10 things I love about me. I'm not going to do that this time. But...I am going to take a moment and give myself a pat on the back for being me.
I have been noticing so many small things that I have been able to do physically lately since I have lost weight. It is a strange feeling to be quite honest. Since high school, I have been gaining weight. So, the only feelings that I have had about myself have been those of disgust and disappointment. I lost weight after Sydney was born, but for some reason, even though it was 55 lbs, it never made an impact on me. But, my weight loss this time, has made a huge impact on me!
You can't imagine, unless you're the same size as me, the constant state of embarrassment that goes along with being a 300+ pound woman/mother/wife. Every time I walk into a room, I feel like there is this huge spotlight on me because of how big I am. I get stares and sometimes even comments about it. I walked past a kid at the park one day, and he just looked at me and gasped, and made some comment...I don't remember now what that comment was. But...what I do remember, was his reaction when he saw me walk by. Those things stick with you, whether you want them to or not. People can be so cruel.
I have always had a good sense of humor, it's in my personality. And, thank goodness for that!! My sense of humor is what helped me survive the hard times of growing up in a body that wasn't thin like a lot of my peers. I would usually make some kind of joke about myself in order to "break the ice" and get it out there...that way I could feel more comfortable socially. Kind of weird, I know. But, as a self-conscious person and one that hates whispers, I would much rather have the honesty start from me. That way nobody feels like they have to whisper. If I'm open about it, then they can be open about it too. I know I probably draw more attention to it than I should, but that's just how I dealt with it and still do, for that matter.
Now, going back to why I'm thankful for me. I am so proud of myself for all the hard work that I have been doing to make this life change. I have surprised myself in so many ways. As stupid as I feel exercising at home all by myself or in front of my trainer...I still do it. As frustrating as it is to not be able to stuff my face with a huge plate of junk food...I somehow manage to control myself. Most of the time. ;) I am thankful that I didn't lose hope. I am thankful that I believe in myself and I know that I will succeed. I am thankful that I have been humbled and admitted that I need help. I am thankful that I can be aware of my weaknesses and make adjustments accordingly.
I went to Aviation Nation yesterday, and for the first time in years, I was at a "walking" event with energy to walk. Normally, my weight would drag me down and I would poop out without even doing much. I would dread these kinds of events because I never enjoyed them. It was more work for me than it was fun because of my lack of energy. But...this time I was raring to go...I was walking and walking and just really enjoying myself! What a great feeling that was!! It was just another "small victory" that makes all this hard work worth it!
So...during this month of "Thanks" I will say this...I am thankful for the courage and strength that I have demonstrated over the past 10 months in making such a difficult lifestyle change. I am thankful for the drive and dedication that I have shown in completing the goals that I have set. I am thankful for having the patience necessary to forgive myself when I fall and to be understanding when it doesn't come easy. I am thankful that I have been able to put myself first in order to get healthy, so I can live a long life with my family.
I encourage all of my supporters...all of whom I am also SO thankful for...to do this as well. Be thankful for you!!