Frustrated

I know I shouldn't be frustrated, but I am. I know that I tend to bite off more than I can chew and I expect too much of myself at times. And, I know that I run myself ragged with all the demands that I put on myself.  Which then results in me failing at something and then I get FRUSTRATED and wonder why.
I sometimes live in a fantasy world and I think I will lose lots of weight every week...knowing full well that having that thought is ridiculous. But...I can't help it, I still think that way. I guess that is why I refer to myself as the "Unrealistic Optimist".
Sometimes, I have a week where I feel like I have eaten really well and I have been super diligent with my exercise. Then I weigh in, and if I don't see the results that I want, I get really mad. But, why do I get mad if I am still losing?? I don't get it!! I mean really, I did lose almost a pound this week, I should be satisfied with that, right? Maybe it's because I am so close to 60 pounds. Maybe it's because I am so close to being under 300 lbs. I don't know. I think it's just that...each week that I have a small number, it adds on another week until I get to those goals. And, that irritates me!
I'll tell you one thing though, I am tired. I keep myself so busy to the point that I don't allow myself quality chill out time. But the problem is, when I do have chill out time, I am constantly thinking about of all the things that I should be doing! So how do I win?!? I don't like to exercise in front of the kids. I want to put on my headphones and be LEFT ALONE and that won't happen while the kids are awake. So, I end up exercising a few nights a week until midnight. I actually really enjoy exercising, but this schedule is wearing me out. And, I haven't figured out the balance of pushing my body and letting my body rest. I know there has to be a special formula somewhere. But, honestly, in my brain, I think that the more I exercise the more results I will get. Sounds logical right? I don't know...I'm just confused...and frustrated. Grrrr!
Don't even get me started on food! What a headache! Planning...shopping...prepping...counting!  I think I need a personal chef and a grocery shopper! That would be AWESOME! But, eventhough it's a headache, I think I am actually doing pretty well with food. But, am I saying that because I'm in denial?? Am I convincing myself that I am doing things right because I am too afraid to admit otherwise? I really don't think so. I know that I am not perfect by any stretch of the means. And, I know that I am making smart choices. Question is...am I doing enough?? Am I starting to get lazy?? Only thing I can do now is get super strict with measuring. I think that might be where I am hurting myself. I don't know...we'll find out next week I guess.
You know, I think I do a good job at really trying to stay postive all the time..but sometimes,  I just get frustrated!!  And, I really don't like feeling this way, but I am human, and I have to allow myself to be honest and release ALL my emotions if I want to get back on track! Fortunately for me, I bounce back very quickly. So, by the time I post this, I'll probably be back to normal. LOL! :) This too shall pass, right? RIGHT!

High's and Low's

One of the hardest parts of any kind of challenge is dealing with the high's and low's of it. Ideally...I would like this challenge of mine to be smooth sailing with no hiccups! But...I understand that I am setting myself up for disappointment thinking that way. I need to remember that, there will sometimes be set backs or even unexpected results...good and bad. Just accept them...re-evaluate if needed...and move on.
This week was FULL of high's and then ended in a low. After a week of allowing myself some indulgences because of my birthday, I went to WW and ended up gaining 0.8 lbs...which REALLY sucks!! Honestly...I know that 0.8 lbs isn't really that bad of a gain...but still...it's a gain. And, I DON'T like it! And, I'm sure you can all relate. So, my next step is to not beat myself up...no pity parties here...just make better choices next week and that gain will turn into a loss!
OK...enough about that STUPID little hiccup! Let's get back to the "Land of Positivity" and take a look at the high's of my week! The high's, by far, out-weighed the low's...no pun intended ;)
First things first...it was my birthday! Yes...I am 35 years old and I still love my birthday! It's one of those days that I can be a princess and not really feel guilty about it! Although, this year my one day, kind of spanned into a whole weekend, but I don't think there's anything wrong with that! :)
The most rewarding and exciting part of last weekend was going shopping with my mom! Not only did I get to spend some much needed quality time with the best darn lady in the world...she treated me to a little shopping spree! It was the first time in a long time, that I went into a store looking for clothes and didn't get depressed before I even started! I have grown to HATE shopping for clothes for myself...nothing I liked ever fit! I felt like that I might as well go to a camping store and buy a 2 man tent and just wear that! It would probably look better and be a lot more stylish...you know with all the little windows and zippers...I think I could possibly start a new trend!
Anyway...back to the high of this shopping experience. I cruised around the store...with my eyes bright and started picking out some things. The part that made me the most giddy was that I was pulling out clothes a size smaller than what I have been wearing for so many years. After I picked out some clothes, I went into the fitting room and started trying them on. And, not only was I extememely pleased with what I saw...I was even checking myself out. It was during that moment of checking myself out that I realized...I am really doing this! I am losing weight and it is really noticeable! What an awesome and somewhat surreal feeling! After years and years of trying, unsuccessfully, to lose weight, I was beginning to lose hope. And, it is SO rewarding to finally be on the right track!!
My shopping experience not only helped me realize the extent of what I am doing for myself...It gave me another boost of motivation to keep it going!! This past 6 months has changed me so much...mentally, emotionally and physically. I ended up leaving that store buying clothes that were 2 full sizes smaller. I used to wear a 26/28 shirt size and I ended up getting some that were size 18/20. What a GREAT feeling!! I haven't seen that size in so long!! Now, I can't wait for my next shopping spree!!

6 Month Results with Pictures

Alright...here it is! Be Warned...the images you are about to view are not for those with a weak stomach! Please cover your children's eyes...we don't want them to be traumatized! ;)
But, you know what...before the pictures...let's check out some numbers, just to see how much weight and inches I have lost in the last 6 months. I started Weight Watchers on January 7 and I began training with Aimee shortly after that.
Starting weight: 374.8 lbs    Current Weight: 319.8 lbs    Total lost: 55 lbs
**My average loss per week is 1.9 lbs
Measurements
Chest: January: 60"  July: 52.25"   Total lost: 7.75"
Waist: January: 67"  July: 52.25"   Total lost:  14.75"
Hips:   January: 73" July:  64.25"   Total lost:  8.75"
Arms:  I have lost about 2" in each arm
Thighs:  I have lost 2-3" in each leg
Neck:  I have lost 1.25"
Total inches lost with combining the total of everything is: 41.5"!!! That is over 3 feet of fat!! Kinda gross really. :)
This is the most weight that I have ever lost at one time...after Sydney, I lost 54 lbs.
I am less than 20 lbs away from being under 300 lbs!!! It didn't happen by my birthday (next week), but I am certain it will happen before the kids go back to school. I am still very pleased with the progress I have made so far!!
So...here they are...not flattering...not very modest, but I feel it gives the best visual. The pictures on top are the ones from January.

There they are! I can't say I really enjoy looking at pictures of myself especially like these, but it is fun to see the transformation! I can't wait to see the difference in another 6 months. I figure that in about 2 years total, I should be at my goal weight. It seems like forever, but this past 6 months has flown by...so I'm sure the rest will too. I am not exactly sure what weight I want to stop at. Once I get to about 175 lbs, I will see how I feel then. And, because of my age and the fact that I have kids, I have no idea what I will look like at that weight. But, most importantly, I want to get rid of my Diabetes and Sleep Apnea. And, I am sure that will happen well before I hit my goal weight. So, the rest is just icing on the cake.

So, here are some of the little victories that I have experienced since I began this journey...

1. When I put the arm rest down in my van, it does not rest on my hip. It goes all the way down with room to spare.

2. If I have an itch in the middle of my back...I can scratch it!

3. My hips don't get squeezed to death when I sit in a chair with arms!

4. I can sit in a booth and not have the table shoved into my stomach, so I can't breathe. Now, I can slide in comfortably.

5. I am not freaked out when I go into a normal sized bathroom stall worrying if I will be able to move.

6. I was able to move up the seat in my van because my stomach doesn't hit the steering wheel anymore.

7. I can bend over easier to tie my shoes.

8. All of my clothes are baggy. I have went from a XXL to an XL in my shirt and pants. I went down 2 sizes in my swimsuit!!

9. I am able to walk faster and longer on the treadmill.

10. I can wrap my arms all the way around Mike...clasping my fingers...when I hug him. The kids can now wrap their arms all the way around me when they hug me.

Everyday I notice something else that I can do easier!! And, it's funny, when I talk to people who have never had a weight problem...they never thought about any of those "little victories". Because they've never had to deal with any of it. You know...we all have our struggles in life, and not one is less frustrating or important than the other...they are just different. And, we can all learn from each other from our different experiences. Whether it is how to sympathize better or just how to deal with ourselves better. It is so important to be able to open yourself up and let those that love you know what you're going through. It will make a world of difference in the results. We all need someone to help guide us and hold our hand sometimes. So, don't go around thinking that nobody wants to hear your problems, because those that really love you, want to help make your problems go away. And, there's nothing wrong with that! :)