Taking chances and making changes.

 

 



I never realized how afraid of change that I am. I've always considered myself a go with the flow kind of person. Which in a lot of cases I am. But, that is with minor decisions like where to eat...what game to play...what movie to watch...things like that. If it involves more of a commitment or something that will affect my "normal"...it terrifies me.
A scary realization for me that I have been trying to ignore is that in order to change my 385 pound body...and change the fact that I am Diabetic and have Sleep Apnea...and change the newly diagnosed problem called Lymphedema...I have to completely change my relationship with food. And, completely change my lifestyle and all that I've known.
Here are my relationships with food:
Relationship #1. Eating out is the answer to all my stresses when I've had a busy day...long day...rough day...good day...exhausting day...don't feel good day...great news day...you name it...eating out is the solution. I hate cooking. I hate planning meals. I hate grocery shopping. I hate putting everything away. I hate prepping food. I hate hearing the moans and groans if I'm fixing something undesirable. I hate cleaning up. As you can see I hate the whole process from start to finish. So, what is my solution? Eat out. Very simple. And, why is this my solution? Because...I don't have to prep it, cook it or clean up...everyone chooses what they like. Voila! Everyone is happy.
Why is this a bad relationship with food?
Answer: There are a lot of advantages to cooking at home. It saves money, it is healthier and it enforces closer family time. At a restaurant we sit together at the table, but it isn't as private. At home, it is a nicer and more comfortable atmosphere, so everyone can get heard and be acknowledged. It allows us as parents to spotlight each family member uninterrupted and listen to the highs and lows of that day.
It also allows us to work together and not rely on the "staff" to do the jobs for us. We learn the value of self-reliance, we teach the skills of planning and cooking and we each pitch in to help each other with the least liked task of cleaning up.
Eating at home also fills our bellies with food that we've handled and cooked. There is no mystery as to what has been added to enhance the flavors of whatever is being served.
All in all it is a smarter choice for the waistline, the wallet and for family bonding.
Relationship #2. Sweets and desserts are the keys to happiness. They are used as the "dangling carrot" to reach the goals. They are the bribes used to be the "favorite" whoever to all the kids. Everyone loves sugar right? It's sweet and tastes good and gets that "happy" hormone all amped up. So...of course good feelings are associated with sweets. I get giddy if I know that I am going to get something sweet to eat. It immediately puts me in a good mood.
Why is this a bad relationship?
This is the emotional damager just as much as the physical destroyer.
Sugar is addictive. We get addicted to the way it makes us feel. It becomes a vice to help us cope with the everyday stresses. A quick picker upper. It screws with us emotionally. It becomes a crutch...we need it to get through the day.
These 2 things are my worst relationships with food and the hardest ones for me to change, because they will be drastic changes and ones that I have to make a huge commitment to in order to succeed in my weight loss goals. That is what terrifies me. Fortunately both can be eliminated...since I've come to learn that moderation is a hard one for me to adhere to. Eliminating sugar is more of a 'stop eating so many desserts' kind of thing.
Here is the funny thing with how my mind works with these two things...the eating out one in particular. I immediately feel restricted when that convenience is taken away. Almost fearful. "What am I going to do if I can't eat out??" I panic. For some reason I always view things as all or nothing. Which makes it hard to change because it's moderation and balance that I need to succeed and be happy emotionally and healthy physically.
I have a friend that is the opposite of me when it comes to eating out. She just cooks at home...that is what she knows, that is what she does...without thought of eating out. It is programmed in her mind that that is just what is done. I admire that.
My grandma always talks about the meals she made when her kids were growing up and my dad would reminisce about that too. I wish that I enjoyed doing that. And, maybe I am naïve in thinking that she enjoyed that. Maybe she secretly hated it but did it anyway. I don't know. For me, I always view eating home as so boring. But, the crazy thing about that thought is that when I eat out, I usually frequent the same spots and order the same things. I mean...really...how boring is that?? My mind is twisted in a lot of ways when is comes to this.
With sugar...it's more of a habit that I need to break. I am used to having something sweet after each meal or during certain activities. Again...it's more of an emotional addiction that I need to address. Find a replacement...develop different associations.
Now...I'd like to direct the attention away from food to another change that will greatly affect my lifestyle. This is one I'm actually very excited for because it will help me to develop new habits and start fresh with my food lifestyle...hopefully. We, as a family, have decided to move away from Las Vegas...my comfort zone. Nothing is set in stone yet...so it may not pan out. But...things are looking pretty good.
We took a family road trip back in June and there were a lot of things that brought attention to my size and the restrictions of it. Living in Las Vegas, there aren't many things that I do where my size is a huge issue. It's an inconvenience and frustration more than anything. We went to Kansas City and Texas...both places have a lot of things to do where being fit and healthy make being there so much easier and more fun. I missed out on a lot because of my size and stamina. Plus the fact that I have become very clumsy and unsure on my feet. Due to my water retention, my feet swell up so they aren't flexible, which makes it hard and scary for me to climb and explore like I'd love to do. Just doing simple things like going up stairs and sitting on the ground have become a struggle. It's a miserable and embarrassing way to live.
When I was losing weight back in 2012, I would close my eyes and try to envision myself thin. But, I couldn't...I honestly didn't see myself getting to that point. After going on this trip and seeing all the things that I could do and experiencing the frustration of not being able to do them it really struck a chord. After that trip, I closed my eyes again and pictured myself doing all those things...and I could finally envision myself without all of this weight holding me back. It was breathtaking and emotional to have that joy back into my life. I have been weighed down for so long in a comfort zone where it has become acceptable. There hasn't been much to really, truly motivate me to see this through. Of course I love my family and want to live a long life with them, but they accept me for who I am regardless of my size. Which allows me to fall victim to my owns demons. Allowing me to become complacent in my body and with my habits.
This HUGE change is something that is not only need for my kids...Sydney in particular. She is the one that first got Mike and I talking about it. But...I am seeing now, that it is needed for me.
I am a bundle of nerves and emotions. It's a big step for me...not one that I'm used to or have ever done. But, I have faith that it is right in so many ways.

Rude awakening.

One thing that I love about having this blog is the fact that I can vent and speak what's on my mind and not have to look at anybody in the face and try to keep from crying. I hate to cry, especially in front of people.
I know I really don't need to air all of this and post it for everyone to read, but I do. And, this is why...
1. It's therapeutic to let it out and I do it better in writing because I can articulate my thoughts better on paper.
2.  I enjoy hearing feedback. It's helpful to hear those words of encouragement. I need them. But honestly...a swift kick in the butt and some tough love is probably what I really need, but I just don't know how I'd react to that. I know that I complain about the same things over and over. I know that it's tiresome and hard to understand why I just can't change and move on. But...let me tell you...it's a lot easier said than done.
3. I know there are a lot of people out there that can relate to my problems. For me it's helpful to talk to someone that understands. So, if I can open up the door for someone, that makes me happy. It also may help those that don't have eating issues to sympathize a little more and not judge so quickly.
Originally, the blog was intended to be a journal of my progress to the finish line without me going off course. But...life happens. Instead, it has turned into the more realistic journey of a woman/mother trying to find her path...trying to find the right course to the finish line. It's been a lot of self-discoveries...some good, some bad.
You reach a certain age...and I'm sure it will happen more than once...where you realize that you are just a different person entirely. And, trying to comprehend that and accept it can be a challenge. It's like starting over. But the problem is...I don't know how to be anything or anyone different. Where do I begin? What and how do I need to change to be a 36 year old woman and not a 25 year old girl.
In the past, whenever I got in my mind that I was ready to lose weight it would be for reasons relating to activities that I wanted to do...like riding all the amusement park rides, zip-lining, horseback riding, hiking, repelling...you get the idea. But now that I'm older, my reasons have changed. I've been trying to motivate myself with goals that really aren't that exciting to reach anymore because those are the goals that I'm used to. It didn't even occur to me that I've changed.
I, unfortunately, have needed this set back to open my eyes. I HATE where I am at right now. I am always depressed and angry because of my appearance, my extreme limitations because of my size, the way that I feel emotionally and physically everyday and the fact that I just can't get my shit together!

I went clothes shopping in an actual store tonight...not my usual online ordering. And I went into the fitting room with a full length mirror...instead of trying it on in my bedroom with a waist up mirror. And, I'll tell you...I did NOT recognize myself. And that's why I really try to avoid mirrors. Ignorance is bliss, right? I think what surprised me most...and it's probably because I don't look in a full length mirror very often, especially undressed...is how my legs look. I have NO knees. The way that my legs look really made it sink in just how bad I have let things go. I know it sounds like "Hello??? Really???That's what it took to convince you to get your act together?" I know this sounds bad, but when I look at my lab results...it's just numbers on a piece of paper. I am a visual learner. I am the one that you need to draw a picture for and have props to understand what's being taught.
The past several weeks, since it's been getting hotter, my body has been giving me all kinds of problems, more than it ever has,  And I have been making reluctant, minimal changes to help myself. Still not really taking it seriously. "It'll pass..." That's what my obstinate inside voice tells me all the time. "Don't worry, it'll change...".
Well...How? How will it change? It certainly isn't by just reading a self-help book. Or, by just joining a gym. Or by finally stocking my kitchen with healthy foods. I have to actually put what I read to use...go to that gym and exercise...fix all that healthy food and eat it.
I have to do it. Nobody else can fix this. There is no magic pill. This will not just go away.
One thing that I've learned is...I get motivated by things I see. But...that motivation fades very quickly. As I stated in my last post...I get over things almost immediately. I need to see things frequently throughout the day to keep me motivated. And, that's not by reading letters to myself with statements like "You can do it!" on it...I feel dumb reading those. I need inspirational videos or posters or pictures that are visual and constantly remind me "Hey! This is what you want and need to do." As much as I hate it...I really need current, worst angle pictures of myself everywhere. Bleh.
I know that I have a lot of mental issues that hold me back. But, I don't like group therapy because it's too impersonal. And, I really don't like one on one therapy either because it's usually with some skinny therapist that has only studied about addictions but has never really been affected by one. Plus, it's with someone that I don't know and doesn't know me. Yes, I know with given time that will change...but I want to be able to get right to the heart of things without several months of getting to know each other. I would much rather just have an unfiltered discussion with someone I know. Someone that can help me see a different perspective or solution.
Ugh...
It's a way of life. It's not a temporary eat healthy and exercise till I get the weight off thing. I have to change permanently. Things are just getting worse as I'm living in a state of denial. No more. I must do this. I can't keep making empty promises. I know I can do it, I've done it before.
My words of encouragement to myself...
Be compassionate. Keep it simple.
Just five words that say it all.

 

Keeping it real.

"You're only hurting yourself."
I've heard that quite often. But, you know what...it's not true.
I am hurting lots of people.
I think the guilt of that is sometimes worse than anything.
My husband and I have a goal to take one big vacation every summer with our kids. We have planned, that next year we will go to Disneyworld and the following will be an RV trip through Yellowstone or Yosemite...or something along those lines. And...you know what my first thought was? "That is going to be SO exhausting." Then I had a multitude of other thoughts/questions running through my mind. "How am I going to do all that walking?" "How am I going to do any kind of hiking?" "How will I fit on any of the rides?" "Will I fit in the RV?" "How on earth am I going to use the toilet or the shower in the RV?!?" And, those are just a few of the worries/fears that I have.
Right now, my size runs and ruins my life. It affects everyone in it. Not just me. "You're only hurting yourself." No, I'm not. I am slowing down everyone in it...I am making everyone worry...I am not physically able to play with my kids the way that I want...I am holding us back from doing a lot of activities.  Even though I have never been a very active, outdoorsy person, I do like to have fun. I enjoy sports and exploring and hiking around whenever I go to the mountains or Red Rock. But, I can't enjoy any of those things right now and I see lots of disappointed expressions because of it.
Everywhere I go, my size is the first thing on my mind. I'm sure I make more of a big deal about it than everyone else does, but we always tend to worry most about what we're most insecure about. Right?? For me it's my size...for some it's height or intelligence or just a bad haircut. But, whatever that insecurity may be...it is a HUGE deal for the person with it.
You know...I think what upsets me the most is...that I have been complaining and bitching about the same thing for over 10 years. And, I just keep getting in worse and worse shape. Sure, I had a year or so that I was doing great, but that ended abruptly and took a drastic nosedive, leaving me feeling miserable emotionally and physically. I am on more medicine than I have ever been...my sugar levels are out of control...and the water retention in my legs make it a huge struggle to move and be comfortable.
You can't imagine how mentally and emotionally exhausting it is to be in a mind war with yourself every second of the day about food...about exercise...about setting a good example...about having to explain why I am the way that I am. Or...just the embarrassment of being around thin people or my kids' friends. The last thing I want is giggling...I know that I am 36 years old...but it still hurts. I still react as if people are laughing at me and poking fun. I hate it.
One thing that I have always lacked my entire life is passion...motivation...determination. I am a quitter and an empty promise maker. Yes...I know that's pretty brutal, but it's quite accurate. Not 100% of the time, but if it involves only myself...it's pretty close. I am easy going to the point that I let things go fairly quickly. I don't hold grudges...I get over it. I will get all excited or riled up about something and in a matter of minutes...it's no big deal anymore. I am VERY impulsive and I act/speak before I think all the time. And, because of these wonderful qualities **insert sarcasm** it has made it very hard for me to follow through with anything. I lose interest...get bored...get frustrated, so then I'm ready to move on. If I were given a wish it would be, to have the gift of sticking to what I put my mind to. Having that drive and determination to see it through to the end. I have A LOT of unfinished projects and one of them is me.
Even though, I don't have that day to day determination, I do have that gut feeling that in time I will see this through to the end. As I've said before, this is a journey unlike what I expected. I still have a lot of learning to do.
I really try to be more positive than this, so please forgive me...I know I've been pretty negative lately. But...I like to keep it real. I try and try to pump myself up and say it's going to be ok. But...there are some days that I just get fed up. I need a good cry. I need to wallow in self pity a little bit. So...I do. And that's ok...because you know why? I get over things quickly. ;)
See...there are some advantages to having that wonderful quality.