Things don't always happen the way you expect, but they happen the way you need.
I thought going to an Eating Disorder Treatment Center would be the final ticket that I needed. But...apparently there were other plans for me.
This experience has been a whirlwind of emotions. My decision to go to a clinic came suddenly and I acted impulsively, which I usually do. It started with research, then signing in for information, then phone calls, then assessments and before I knew it I was going full steam ahead. I have thought about going somewhere like Biggest Loser to get help, but I didn't want a Fat Camp. I wanted something more mellow and sensitive to the mental issues involved with overeating. I wasn't ready for a Drill Sergeant to yell at me and make me run till I puke. That would be more damaging to me.
I am now in a hotel room quarantined for 2 weeks. And honestly, it has been a blessing in disguise. It has given me the opportunity to reflect, uninterrupted, on my life. I am able to take a good look at who I am today and who I was before. Which parts do I want to keep and which parts do I want to change? In what ways have I been misguided? What am I willing to do without rebellion to make those changes happen? We all have personality traits that we need to cater to and mine is the need to be an individual and not conform to what's expected. I have always walked to the beat of my own drum. I hate following the crowd or trend.
There were many years in my life that I felt stifled and unable to be that person. I have since removed myself from that and now I am trying to find myself again. I have changed over the years The beat of my own drum is different now. It's a lot less hard rock and a little more mellow...aka Dad's folk rock. ;) I am in a place in my life that isn't so chaotic and I like it. My kids are older and less dependent on me, so I have the ability to pursue other things that take up my time. I have been blessed with a husband that has been able to provide for our family so I could have the precious and priceless job of being available for our kids full time.
With this privilege came sacrifices for me in other ways. I am an only child, so growing up I had ALL my parents' attention. I got used to being center of attention, I enjoyed it. I have very loving and complimentary parents, so I was praised often. It was attention that I thrived on and needed for reassurance. I also grew up with other influences that weren't so positive all the time. I felt as though I was under a microscope and being judged on everything I did and said. And, it was vocalized whenever I did something not to their expectations. Because of that, the praise and positive reinforcement became that much more necessary for me to feel I was doing ok.
This need for acceptance rolled into my adulthood. It affected the relationships and friendships I had and how I performed at work. I didn't like not being on everyone's good side. I did things intentionally to get that praise and feel accepted. If I didn't get the reaction I wanted, it really hurt and I questioned what I did wrong. I would withdraw a bit. That attention is so important to my well being. When I became a mom and quit my job to stay at home, it was a rude awakening for me. I was completely stripped away from that daily praise of "job well done". I no longer had a job that I could clock out and be satisfied with a completed project or task. I now, as a new mom, have a job that is thankless in many ways. My job is never done. I can't clock out. I don't get thanked or praised for my efforts. I don't live with my parents anymore that spoiled me with affection and approval. Mike didn't come from a family that was affectionate or open with their emotions. So, he wasn't as vocal with me as I needed. Plus he wasn't observant to the work I did as much. Not in a bad way, he just doesn't notice things. He does now because he's older and has learned what I need from him in that way.
It was during this time that my dependency on food became more of a problem. Food was and is my drug to release a "high" in my mind...a euphoria, a temporary mood lifter and source of receiving that emotion I feel when I've been praised or acknowledged. So...I indulged in that drug often. I was able to manage things just fine for several years with this addiction. But, the weight gain came on fast and started to affect my ability and desire to do things. It wasn't a big issue when the boys were toddlers, but by the time I had Sydney, it became a big issue. By that point, I was Diabetic and newly diagnosed with Sleep Apnea. The Sleep Apnea contributed to the weight gain because I had it before Sydney was born I think. You lose sleep with new babies...no new news there. I would eat to stay awake, usually sugar, then crash, then eat more sugar, then crash...and so on. Hence, the ever growing number on the scale.
I lived day to day, constantly feeding my face to get that "high" that I craved. Once Sydney was old enough to go to school full time, I had a new sense of freedom. I had all day to myself. I took that opportunity to reach out to a trainer and start Weight Watchers to help me lose all the weight I had put on over the years. I also started this Blog, but I didn't realize at the time, that starting this blog was going to give me the praise that I was aching for. I opened up about my struggles and journey during all this. In turn, I created a huge following of supporters that lift me up and keep my spirits high. For that, I am humbled and forever grateful. And, by doing this, I opened up a new way to receive the attention that I desired...the compliments and vocal affirmations, the "good job" comments that I didn't hear very often...except from my mom and dad. ;) Mike was still learning at this point.
So, I started to think about my blog and Facebook group and wondered how it's helped me over the years. And, I came to a realization today. I realized that by creating these outlets, I have inadvertently created an unhealthy identity for myself because of my need of positive reinforcement. My weight problem IS my identity. I have created this person unaware of the reason behind it. I know I had a problem with eating long before this, but I think I made things worse by making my journey public. I know it's inspiring to many of you because of the fact that I never give up. But, I worry now if that's because, if I succeed then my posts won't be necessary, and then everyone will lose interest in me. I couldn't handle not hearing "I love you" and "you're amazing" so often. That acceptance and reassurance has become another drug that I have become dependent on. How will I get those vocal affirmations? How will I get those 'good job' comments? Will anyone acknowledge me anymore?? My fear of not being needed or noticed subconsciously outweighed my need to be healthy. What started as a harmless way to connect with others and inspire eventually spiraled into an unhealthy obsession.
I'm sure this all must sound crazy! Only child stereotype to a tee. Constant need for attention. But...right now...it makes perfect sense to me. If I couldn't get recognition from my kids then I needed to get it from somewhere else. Right?? Am I delusional??
With this epiphany, things are starting to become clearer in my head on how I can move forward and not make my weight and health problems such a main focus for me anymore. I am in a new stage in my life, one where I can create a new purpose, one where I can feed my mind in a healthy way. I have created my craft business and have received great feedback. This is where I can pull that "high" from. A new focus. A new identity. A new outlet.
This is good. I am seeing a future that doesn't look so glum. I may have only been in treatment for a few days, but it has helped me see things from a different perspective. I am so happy I decided to do this. It has caused a great deal of stress on Mike with me being gone, mainly because I decided to get a puppy right before I left. Yes, I know. Wife of the year award. But, also because we are a team 100% and when one of us is gone, the other has a hard time playing the game alone. I can't express enough how much I appreciate Mike taking on so much to let me do this. It has been what I needed to reset myself.
So...it is with much thought that I have decided that I am no longer going to make my weight loss journey public. I don't want attention for this anymore. I apologize to those that have become invested in me and my progress...or lack there of, physically. I will forever be grateful for the family and friends that have stuck with me through ALL the ups and downs through this LONG journey. Your comments were read often for the pick me up's that I needed at the time. But, it is time...well past time, for me to close this chapter. And find my new identity. Thank you all for your love and support! <3 This will be my last Blog post and my Facebook group will also become silent.
I will continue on my journey to good health. I will do so in my own way without the thought in the back of my mind of how my "audience" will react. I love you all. I am not giving up. I PROMISE!! I am just tired of this being my main focus. It is still a focus, but not one I want to obsess about anymore.
