In August of 2011, I started this blog with the intention of creating a journal to document my different challenges, emotions, frustrations, accomplishments, etc. during my journey of the dreaded task of losing weight and getting healthy. I have always been a very open and honest person and I write better than I speak...in an articulate sense. At least, articulate to me. 😉 So, it's how I like to express myself and get it all out there. I may inspire people. I may disappoint people. I may make people cry or laugh. I may surprise or relate to people. Whatever it is that I do, this blog is therapeutic for me and part of the process in this journey to good health...in all aspects of life. Hopefully, I never offend or cause anyone to have negative or ill feelings of me.
There is one topic that I have always tried to avoid talking about because it's really not in my nature to be preachy and it's just something that I have always had conflicting feelings about. So, it is hard for me to articulate my thoughts to express my feelings. Plus, I have many, many close friends that it could affect the way they feel about me. Which I am very fearful of. But...again, this blog is about MY journey and I will always keep it real, and this is something that is affecting my progress to good "emotional" health currently. To some it won't be a surprise, but to some it'll shock the heck out of you.
Religion. This has been a major part of my life for the last 10 years. It started about 16 years ago, but didn't pull me in completely until 10 years ago. It has been a whirlwind experience and one that I have struggled with the entire time. I have always been up front with my upbringing and how I got introduced into the church. I have always had certain beliefs of my own, not ones that were forced upon me or part of my childhood.
As I entered into adulthood and began to think about the next chapter of my life, I started to question religion and how it works. Is it something necessary to complete me as a person? Is it something necessary to have in my future child's life? I didn't have it in my childhood and I had a great childhood. And, I think I turned out pretty good, if I do say so myself. 😄 But still, I wondered about it. Mike's family was religious, so here was my opportunity to investigate it. What's so wonderful about being part of a religion, the Bible and everything else that goes along with it?? I was leery and very standoffish for quite awhile, even with having the curiosity about it. It was no walk in the park to teach me or convince me of anything. I started off slow by going to church with Mike's family on occassion...which I hated and thought it was hokey. Too much singing and extremely boring and 3 HOURS, really?! But, all that aside, there was a feeling that I had while I was there that was very comforting. So, I stuck with my desire to learn. Mike was cautious with what he taught and how much he pushed. I don't like pushy people. In fact, that approach will make me less likely to cooperate. Mature, I know. 😛 Anyway, to sum it up I made the leap into the world of organized religion.
Fast forward about 7 years of slightly active participation to 'What the heck. Let's start going every Sunday'. Well. Can we just say, culture shock? This isn't as easy as I thought it would be. Still boring. Still way TOO much singing. Dresses?? Make-up?? Ick. Am I sure I want to do this?? Then I meet some wonderful people and I connected with them and then...I got sucked in. Ok. Fine. Let's play this out for awhile. How bad can it be? I'll learn the preachy part of this religion stuff and see what happens. After being there for a few weeks...I get pulled into a room and asked to accept a calling. 'Wait. Hold on a minute. You serious?? I don't even have a crease in my scriptures yet...I don't even have scriptures yet! A calling?? I guess. Sure, why not.'
Over the next 8 years, I got lost in many callings and made great friendships. I became so close with so many wonderful people that have taught me so much over the years. I have grown and matured as a woman, a mother, a wife and a friend with the influence of these great people. But, what I didn't get, by no fault of theirs, was lost in the preachy part, the scriptures, certain beliefs of this religion. I tried so hard to believe, to have faith. I would watch my friends and see their emotion and love for the gospel but I just didn't feel it. I tried to convince myself otherwise, but it just never felt right. I have been struggling internally over this for a LONG time. I won't go into detail over what I don't believe in or agree with. But, it has come to a point that I just can't pretend anymore. I don't hate the church by any means. There are just some things that I could never grasp or latch onto. I've tried.
So, what has kept me silent and pushing along with the church loving persona for so long? First and foremost, my family. What will Mike think? He already knew of my skepticism towards a lot of things within the church. And whether he agrees or not, has always encouraged me to do what I needed to be happy. He is incredibly supportive. But, it still bothers me to not be on the same page as him with something so big. We're always on the same page. And, how will this affect our kids? Secondly, most of my friends are active, church loving and very dedicated to the church. How will they see me now? I don't think the church was ever something that defined who I am as a person. My crazy personality is ALL my own! In fact, I've had to tone down A LOT of my personality because of the church! LOL. 😜
So, what's next? This is the hard part. I know what I want, but it's not that easy. I have our kids to think about. And they know what's going on, I'm very honest with them too. The boys are at an age that they're questioning things themselves. This is extremely hard on Mike. Which I hate. I have cried and cried about this for a long time. It kills me to see him go to church without me. But...again, I have to be true to myself. And he totally understands that and wouldn't have it any other way. I believe as a parent you have to set an example, and I don't want to set one that teaches the kids not to stand for what they believe in.
I am not in a good mindset with the church right now and I don't want my attitude to influence the boys. We, as a family are trying to figure out what's best. As parents we have the job to raise our kids and teach them what's right and push them to do hard things, to try new things and to be open minded. But, as they get older we must also allow them to express themselves and make hard decisions, stand up for what they believe in. Our boys are doing just that and I am happy to see it. But, it doesn't make our job as parents very easy especially since Mike and I have different views right now. I have tremendous respect for Mike and his beliefs so I will support him as much as he supports me. I just hate that what I am going through has put this added stress on him. But...honestly, the boys are 15 years old, I'm sure most teens go through this. Question is...do we force attendance and risk resentment or do we allow flexibility and have them experience the choice and consequence of their actions. Just don't know yet.
Ok. I got off track a bit. Now going back the my journey part of this post. One thing that I do on a regular basis is take the time to reflect on my choices and ponder about what is making me happy, what is stressing me out, what is working and what is not. I have slowly been pulling away from the church for some time now. Because of this, I have to accept the hard truth and make that difficult choice to do what I feel will benefit me emotionally at this point in my life. Who knows, in time I may have a change in heart, but for right now this is what I feel is right for me.
That hardest part for me having to make a tough choice that not only affects myself but also affects the ones I love...is disappointing those that I love. I'm sorry to anyone that I have let down.
To summarize myself in a spiritual sense...I am more of a free spirit. I have faith in many things and I don't feel I need a structured outline to follow to be spiritual. I am happy with that. It has taken me a long time to admit that and a long time to come to terms with that. But, I already feel a weight lifted by finally taking that step to be true to myself.
This is definitely a journey full of speed bumps, detours, dead ends, big hills and crazy curves, but it's all mine. I have come to my current fork in the road and chosen the path for which I feel is right, I am strapped in tight (with lots of compression I might add 😬) and ready to go.
