I have always been considered and looked at as a "fat girl". More specifically the "funny fat girl". Does it bother me? Yes. I always think this is the first thing people notice. As I've gotten older I feel like there is a spotlight on me when I enter the room or when I walk in front of people... a spotlight showcasing my fatness. I visualize and imagine the gasps of disgust. Luckily, I stay sane and get by with my sense of humor. I don't mind being the funny girl. I enjoy that a lot. I just would like the fat part to go away.
Life as a fat girl...well, it sucks. I don't know life differently though. And maybe that's why I haven't been able to be successful at losing weight permanently. Fear of the unknown. My sister in law once said, "Don't lose weight because then you won't be you." What she meant was, that's the only way she's ever known me. Well, it's the only way I've ever known me.
Growing up I was always bigger, not necessarily fat, but bigger. It was a label that I received at a young age and it stuck. Emotionally. So regardless of my weight, I considered myself bigger "fat". Poking fun at myself was a way to break the ice among new kids to help get it out there and move past the judgments. I beat them to it, so they couldn't get the satisfaction and laughs from making the hateful remarks themselves.
This is something that I have continued to do as an adult. I feel as though being the "Funny Fat Girl" is my identity, it's who I am. I can't visualize myself any other way. But, I desperately NEED to. I need to find a way to convince myself that it's OK to change. I will still be the same person inside even if I change the outside. But, it's hard to change routines that have been a part of my everyday lifestyle for so long. At least it is for any length of time. I've tried, over and over.
Over the past 10 years my health has been on the decline. I was diagnosed with Type 2 Diabetes and Sleep Apnea by the time I was 30 years old. I have lived in denial for about that long and have now reached a point where my body is breaking down. These past 2 years I have seen and felt the decline gain speed and introduce a variety of different issues that put my life at risk. I am worried. My family is worried, they look at me with concern and feelings of helplessness all the time. I hate it. I am my own worst enemy when it comes to changing my bad habits and taking care of myself.
It's has become unbearable. I am a prisoner in my own body. I am a prisoner in my own head.
I go through anxiety attacks daily stressing about different things that involve my size, weight and physical limitations. When I go anywhere my inner dialogue is always the same...'How far do I have to walk', 'How many times do I have to get out of the car', 'Will I fit where I am going', 'How far will I have to park', 'Is a car going to park too close to my door?', 'Will my legs get weighed down with water?', 'How often am I going to have to pee?'...the questioning is endless.
It has gotten to the point that I dread going anywhere because, not only do I know that I am going to be exhausted with minimal activity, but I have also exhausted myself mentally before even leaving my home. It's very frustrating. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. Which is why I have become such a recluse.
The struggle that I face with dieting is that I hate restrictions but I need structure. I'm not quite sure how to make that work without pissing myself off. I haven't been able to. But...I have finally reached my breaking point. I CAN NOT live like this anymore. I am miserable E.V.E.R.Y.D.A.Y. in my body. I can't move. I can't do simple chores. I can't function like a normal person.
So...I am saying this now. A promise to me and a promise to my family.
My life as a "Fat Girl" is over! And, THAT'S no joke.
Tomorrow I start Physical Therapy to help gain strength again and I also start my Healthy Habits challenge. I have bought a Fitbit to help keep me moving. I start Nutrisystem next week, which will keep the think work out of dieting. I won't like the restrictions with food, but I'll LOVE the ease of not having to plan or count anything. It's a give and take right?? And, I need to see results quickly to keep me motivated. I have learned that I can't rely on myself to make smart decisions regarding my health. I am blessed to have a great support system and they frequently try to get involved to help in any way they can. I am the one that doesn't follow through or stay dedicated. But, that ends now.
Say Goodbye to "Funny Fat Girl" and Hello to the soon to be "Fat Free Funny Girl" or "Reduced Fat Funny Girl". Whichever suits your taste. :) The reduced fat may be more doable. lol. ;);)
I AM READY!!
