Why is it so easy to tell everyone else what they should be doing and eating, but not myself?
Let me rephrase that. Why is it that I expect them to LISTEN and DO IT, but it's OK if I don't?
Story of my life.
Here's a little glimpse into the life of Jill.
I live day to day complaining about how much weight I've gained and keep gaining. I complain about how hard it is to do anything anymore. I complain about how crappy I feel all the time, and how tired I am. I complain about how I can't do the fun things that I used to. I complain about being uncomfortable all the time and how my body is always achy.
And, what do I do about it?? Nothing. I just complain.
Why?
There are several reasons.
1. I don't like change.
2. I love food.
3. I hate exercise.
4. I like to complain (?)... not usually. But lately, I sure do.
The idea of change is terrifying. And, that is exactly what I have to do in order to stop these complaints.
This is me in a nutshell. The not so wonderful characteristics of me.
I live in a world of denial. I refuse to accept that things are more serious than I want them to be or think they are. I am an "unrealistic optimist" (self-titled). Everything will be fine...it will work itself out. I convince that to myself in order to disguise the reality.
I am the "QUEEN of Over's" (again...self-titled). I am an "over" eater, "over" complicater, "over" analyzer, "over" thinker, "over"ly sensitive, "over"ly compulsive and impulsive, "over" worrier... and I'm sure there are many other "over"s.
I am an "All or Nothing" type of person. Either I do it ALL perfectly or I am a failure. I want to go from zero to 100 every time. Go big or go home. I beat myself up over everything. "I should have done more...I could've done better". And, I really don't like taking small steps because I want INSTANT gratification!
I am a "Highly Sensitive Person". Yes...there is such a thing. I am sensitive to people's tone of voice, facial expressions, body language...I will worry if they are upset or sad even if they're not. I apologize a lot because I worry that I upset them somehow. I don't know why or how...but I'm sure it was me. I worry that people think badly of me or are disappointed in me. I am bothered by noise, especially repetitious noises. I hear it IMMEDIATELY and it must stop NOW. Let's face it...I hate repetition all together. I am bothered by smell...a smell can instantly give me a headache. My mood can change on a dime by what someone does or says. Because of these sensitivities, I feel on edge most of the time.
The reason I am stating all of this is because all of these characteristics are some of the reasons that I am where I am today. Unhealthy and unhappy with myself and my condition.
The saying that I have ALL over my house and the one I am drawn to a lot is "Keep it Simple".
Because I know that is the one thing I need to work on the most.
I have to take a step back quite often and ask myself if I am making a mountain out of a molehill? Am I creating false accusations in my head based on my emotional perception of nothing? Am I working myself into a tizzy over something minute? Am I bullying myself for not doing more instead of praising myself for doing something?
Overall...as you can clearly tell by me "over" questioning my own thoughts... that it can be quite exhausting to live in my head.
There has been an intervention
of sorts recently showing concern for my health. And, it's understandable. I have went downhill rather quickly over the past few years...in particular, this past year. I am not blind to that. But, what's not understood is that it isn't an easy fix. There are a lot of outside factors that come into play in addition to my own actions. I am easily distracted. I am easily persuaded. I am quick to give in. I am easily tempted. It isn't just a fix that I need to do...all of the people in my life that I am with regularly need to be my strength just as much as I need to have the strength myself. I can't do this alone. I understand that it is my battle to overcome and that I am the one who got myself into this situation and I am the one responsible for making the effort to change. But, I can't do this alone. I've tried. And tried.
The problem with that is...I am a very independent person. But, recently I have become very dependent on others to help me with things that I used to do on my own. This has been a hard and frustrating adjustment. But...there are still certain things within this journey that I want to do alone and need to do alone. Exercising is one of those things. I am someone that needs music blaring in my ears or around me in order to get motivated and get the energy to move. Since I am so easily distracted, music blaring is the one thing that drowns out all outside distractions. It makes exercising so much more enjoyable for me.
Over the years, I have learned a lot about myself. And, the battle I face is in my head. Because of all of those characteristics above, it makes it that much harder for me to make changes. It is a day to day struggle and it will always be that way.
It doesn't mean that I am giving up. Far from it. I have way TOO much to live for but if I continue down this path, I won't live as long as I want to.
Right now, I am just miserable in my own body. I hate feeling this way. It has been manageable for a long time and easier to overlook and convince myself that all is fine. But, it's become such a burden...so much more than before. I am noticing other problems coming up now both mental and physical. And that really scares me.
With that being said, here is my promise to my loved ones and myself...
I will fix this. I will make better choices and think about what my actions are doing to my body, my mind and everyone that is counting on me to be around for a long time. All I ask is to just please continue to be patient with me. I will do this.
Sorry this is a downer post. But...I'm just keeping it real. And, I've been told that being honest is one of my finer qualities.
Keep it simple...Keep it real...Be patient...Be compassionate...Don't give up
