One thing that I love about having this blog is the fact that I can vent and speak what's on my mind and not have to look at anybody in the face and try to keep from crying. I hate to cry, especially in front of people.
I know I really don't need to air all of this and post it for everyone to read, but I do. And, this is why...
1. It's therapeutic to let it out and I do it better in writing because I can articulate my thoughts better on paper.
2. I enjoy hearing feedback. It's helpful to hear those words of encouragement. I need them. But honestly...a swift kick in the butt and some tough love is probably what I really need, but I just don't know how I'd react to that. I know that I complain about the same things over and over. I know that it's tiresome and hard to understand why I just can't change and move on. But...let me tell you...it's a lot easier said than done.
3. I know there are a lot of people out there that can relate to my problems. For me it's helpful to talk to someone that understands. So, if I can open up the door for someone, that makes me happy. It also may help those that don't have eating issues to sympathize a little more and not judge so quickly.
Originally, the blog was intended to be a journal of my progress to the finish line without me going off course. But...life happens. Instead, it has turned into the more realistic journey of a woman/mother trying to find her path...trying to find the right course to the finish line. It's been a lot of self-discoveries...some good, some bad.
You reach a certain age...and I'm sure it will happen more than once...where you realize that you are just a different person entirely. And, trying to comprehend that and accept it can be a challenge. It's like starting over. But the problem is...I don't know how to be anything or anyone different. Where do I begin? What and how do I need to change to be a 36 year old woman and not a 25 year old girl.
In the past, whenever I got in my mind that I was ready to lose weight it would be for reasons relating to activities that I wanted to do...like riding all the amusement park rides, zip-lining, horseback riding, hiking, repelling...you get the idea. But now that I'm older, my reasons have changed. I've been trying to motivate myself with goals that really aren't that exciting to reach anymore because those are the goals that I'm used to. It didn't even occur to me that I've changed.
I, unfortunately, have needed this set back to open my eyes. I HATE where I am at right now. I am always depressed and angry because of my appearance, my extreme limitations because of my size, the way that I feel emotionally and physically everyday and the fact that I just can't get my shit together!
I went clothes shopping in an actual store tonight...not my usual online ordering. And I went into the fitting room with a full length mirror...instead of trying it on in my bedroom with a waist up mirror. And, I'll tell you...I did NOT recognize myself. And that's why I really try to avoid mirrors. Ignorance is bliss, right? I think what surprised me most...and it's probably because I don't look in a full length mirror very often, especially undressed...is how my legs look. I have NO knees. The way that my legs look really made it sink in just how bad I have let things go. I know it sounds like "Hello??? Really???That's what it took to convince you to get your act together?" I know this sounds bad, but when I look at my lab results...it's just numbers on a piece of paper. I am a visual learner. I am the one that you need to draw a picture for and have props to understand what's being taught.
The past several weeks, since it's been getting hotter, my body has been giving me all kinds of problems, more than it ever has, And I have been making reluctant, minimal changes to help myself. Still not really taking it seriously. "It'll pass..." That's what my obstinate inside voice tells me all the time. "Don't worry, it'll change...".
Well...How? How will it change? It certainly isn't by just reading a self-help book. Or, by just joining a gym. Or by finally stocking my kitchen with healthy foods. I have to actually put what I read to use...go to that gym and exercise...fix all that healthy food and eat it.
I have to do it. Nobody else can fix this. There is no magic pill. This will not just go away.
One thing that I've learned is...I get motivated by things I see. But...that motivation fades very quickly. As I stated in my last post...I get over things almost immediately. I need to see things frequently throughout the day to keep me motivated. And, that's not by reading letters to myself with statements like "You can do it!" on it...I feel dumb reading those. I need inspirational videos or posters or pictures that are visual and constantly remind me "Hey! This is what you want and need to do." As much as I hate it...I really need current, worst angle pictures of myself everywhere. Bleh.
I know that I have a lot of mental issues that hold me back. But, I don't like group therapy because it's too impersonal. And, I really don't like one on one therapy either because it's usually with some skinny therapist that has only studied about addictions but has never really been affected by one. Plus, it's with someone that I don't know and doesn't know me. Yes, I know with given time that will change...but I want to be able to get right to the heart of things without several months of getting to know each other. I would much rather just have an unfiltered discussion with someone I know. Someone that can help me see a different perspective or solution.
Ugh...
It's a way of life. It's not a temporary eat healthy and exercise till I get the weight off thing. I have to change permanently. Things are just getting worse as I'm living in a state of denial. No more. I must do this. I can't keep making empty promises. I know I can do it, I've done it before.
My words of encouragement to myself...
Be compassionate. Keep it simple.
Just five words that say it all.
