Climbing the mountain one step at a time.

 

 

Here we go again.

The forever lifelong challenge that I face. Even though to me it is considered an incredibly steep mountain to climb and conquer, it is nothing compared to what some people face. And I am fortunate that this is the mountain I was given to climb because it could be so much worse. But, even still, it is a mountain nonetheless. And I fear that I will never quite get to that top. I feel like I climb and climb and when I finally get to middle ground or sometimes even a little higher...I freak out. Seriously...what is it? Am I afraid of the unknown at the top? Or, I am afraid of leaving what I know at the bottom? Honestly, I'm really not sure what the problem is.

I think the real question is...Have I become comfortable and content with where I am?? And, on some level I think, well maybe...maybe, I have. I mean, it is what I know and what I am used to. But then I ask myself, am I really happy though? And I'll try to convince myself that I am. But, in all honesty, I am not happy at all. Sure I'll put a smile on my face and put on a strong front but inside...I am crying. I am so sad and so disappointed with what I have done to myself...not to mention frustrated and pissed off.

But, let me make something clear...the only thing that I'm not happy with is myself. Everything else in my life couldn't be more perfect and I am truly grateful everyday for those blessings that I have.

The main thing that I am not happy with is my inability to be "hard" on myself. I am easy going by nature and have a pretty "chill" personality. At least, that's how I would describe myself. Which means, for the most part, I am a content person. If it requires a lot of effort...I will quite frequently wonder if it's worth it. Whatever it may be.

Losing weight is hard. Eating healthy is hard. Exercising is hard. Telling myself no is hard. And...I don't like hard.

Here is my problem...

Ordinarily, I would look up at 'my mountain' and then see how high it really is and exactly how many difficult levels it has for me to overcome and then I'll say..."Oh Hell No! There is no way I'm doing that!" You see...I am not usually motivated by challenges. I am overwhelmed and afraid of challenges. Not all the time, it just depends on what it is. And, in this case of losing weight, I do not want big challenges. I learned from my last attempt that when I looked up at 'my mountain' and went full force, total 360 from my ordinary to climb it...I got burnt out. And, it ended up being too much for me to maintain.  

What I need to do is take a good, thoughtful look at 'my mountain'...not to see the top, but to look at one level at a time. What do I need to do to reach the next level. That seems much more doable and less intimidating. And, it doesn't feel so hard.

I can't look at the fact that I am 375 lbs. and need to lose 200+ lbs. That seems like such an unachievable task. I back away before I even start. I didn't gain this weight overnight and I won't lose it overnight. Unfortunately. Slow and steady wins the race. That must explain why turtles are my favorite animal...it is my "spirit" animal. :)

One thing I have to keep in mind is...how are my decisions affecting my goal? Not just the decisions of what I eat, but decisions on things that I agree to do. Am I biting off more than I can chew? No pun intended. ;) Seriously, I will use ANY excuse to veer off of my healthy path. It's a path that isn't my favorite, so I welcome distractions. This goes back to me not being able to be hard on myself. I admire those people that can set up a routine and follow it. They don't let outside distractions interfere with what they need to do. How do they do that?!? I am such a sucker!! My solution for this is to somehow not let others influence me so much. I need to stand strong and do what I need to do. And, not be so afraid of what others think. I need to make my own plan and stick to it. And, understand that those that really love me will respect that and not get bent out of shape if I have to say no to them. Unfortunately, that's easier said than done though.

Another way to look at it is...by what I was talking about in my last post. I need to make sure that I keep filling up my "bucket" and take care of myself before I become empty and useless. In order to do this, I have to set time aside to take care of me. And by doing that...I will also be taking care of my family. Because if "momma ain't happy then ain't nobody happy", right?

Overall here is my take on this whole losing weight, getting healthy process...

I think "Fad" diets are a total waste of time. All they do is help you "yo-yo" with your weight. It makes you super cranky for a few weeks or more while you lose weight quickly only to get you so aggravated that you give up and then gain back the weight plus more.

I think special pills, drinks and foods do the same thing. Eventually you'll have to get off of whatever you're using. And, what have you learned about nourishing your body without that help? Not much. So, then you'll go back to your old habits. And...guess what? All the weight will come back.

Now...counting points or calories I feel can be helpful...IF you fill those calories/points with the right foods. Too many times, people (including myself) have eaten awful but still stayed within their range thinking that they are on the right path. Wrong. In order to be healthy, you need to eat healthy.

As far as exercising...I think that it should be done in a way that suits one's lifestyle...long term.

I think that those exercise DVD's where you kick ass exercise for 30 minutes everyday for 3 weeks...or whatever it is...is a great kick start. But...what's next? Can you keep doing that over and over? Do you want to??

I think exercise should be a gradual progression. Start with what you're capable of...physically. Then work your way up. I agree with pushing your limits but not to the point of injuring yourself.

I understand that not everyone will agree with my opinions, but...it's how I feel.

Here is how I am going to proceed...

1. I am not going to count points/calories...for now. It frustrates me to the point of giving up. I have done it time and time again. Plus right now, I am eating SO terrible that if I begin with knocking out some fast food every week...that alone will make a big difference.

2. Fast food- speaking of fast food...I am eating it almost daily, sometimes more than once. It is making a HUGE impact on my weight gain. My goal is to start off slow by cutting it down to 4x a week. I know it's still a lot, but remember...small steps. I can't go from everyday to nothing and not get pissed off.

3. Soda- this is something that can be eliminated and that is my eventual goal. But, right now I love the taste and I will allow it with my fast food meals only.

4. Sugar- my nemesis. The ROOT of all my problems. My sugar levels affect EVERYTHING that I suffer from. My cravings...my moods...my energy level...my brain functions...my appetite. The list goes on and on. This is where I need to focus on the most!! My goal is to cut down dramatically on carbs that are not whole grain and to indulge in desserts no more than 2x a week.

5. Exercise- I am going to move everyday. I hate cardio!! I don't even like walking especially right now with lugging around 375 lbs. Swimming will be my best friend at first to get the cardio that I need because it is much easier to move this body in the water. I love lifting weights. So, I will spend a lot of time building up my muscle (which burns fat) to get stronger so I can do the cardio easier.

So, this is my plan. And, to some it is still a very unhealthy way to live, but to me it's what I feel I can stick with to keep going in a forward direction to my end goal. In time, I will take out more of the bad habits when I feel I am ready for the next level on 'my mountain' to climb. I will be realistic and push myself. I can't get stuck in a state of being content if I want results. I can't keep doing what I'm doing...I know this. I will reach the top of 'my mountain'. It may not be a soon as I'd like, but we'll see how much I can keep pushing on myself and still stay sane so I can get there faster. :)

 

 



Understanding myself and keeping my "bucket" full

One of the most difficult things for a woman to do is to take care of themselves without feeling guilty. As a woman we are designed to be nurturers. We take care of all of those around us, putting ourselves on the back burner. Whether we are taking care of our kids, our husband, our parents, our friends or having other responsibilities like fulfilling a church calling, going to work, volunteering...all of these things take time away from us taking care of ourselves.
It's so easy to put all of those things first. But...in order for us to be good nurturers...we need to be as strong emotionally and physically as possible. And, if we ignore our own needs...no matter what they are...it will affect how we behave.
This is something that I have been thinking about for a long time. I LOVE to serve others. I love to help out wherever I can, regardless of what's going on in my own life. I will never change that. But now, I just need to remember to add myself into the mix. I need to serve myself just as much.
I have made a few changes recently that have been beneficial. One change that is very unlike me,  but has made a noticeable impact is...I am now reading a lot more. I've always hated reading...I felt it was unproductive and boring. But, I have recently found a series of books by an author that I have really enjoyed and I have been looking forward to picking up that book each day. In the past, I would try to buy these "self help" books in hopes of finding the cure to my problems. Those are just overwhelming and depressing at times. But...getting into a good story that will completely immerse me into another world...that's therapeutic. Sometimes it's hard to separate what I've been reading and real life because I get so engrossed in it.
One thing I've found out with buying diet books, nutrition books, self help books or whatever else I have 'self diagnosed myself with and now need to do an enormous amount of research on' is...too much information is most of the time more confusing than helpful. Let's take dieting for example...there are SO many theories out there about how we should eat and what we should eat. Who is right?? This person says carbs are fine, but this person says carbs are bad. OR This person says coffee, wine and dark chocolate are beneficial to our health, but this person says they have no benefits. Even Weight Watchers can't seem to stick to a plan. One of the most irritating changes to Weight Watchers was when they started allowing us to count diet soda as a one of our daily water check offs. That is ridiculous! Plus the fact they have changed their program a dozen times since I started for the first time over 20 years ago. Very confusing. What it all comes down to is...I'm tired of listening to everyone's theories and changing over and over, confusing my body and overwhelming my mind.
I am going to live my life without feeling like a nun's ruler is waving over my hand waiting for me to screw up. I will screw up. And that's ok. Just keep on trying.
I am Diabetic, so one thing I know FOR SURE is...my body does not need sugar.
I need a balanced diet which includes drastically limiting my consumption of white sugar. I need LOTS of water to help flush out all this excess water weight that I lug around everyday (sounds kind of weird to drink water in order to get rid of water). Eat less processed foods that contain a ton of sodium...that'll help the water retention too. Exercise to keep things moving and to lift my mood. When I feel good, I behave better.
Speaking of behaving better...let's go back to us needing to take care of ourselves.
I heard a metaphor today that I really enjoyed because it helped draw a clearer picture of what kind of lifestyle a lot of us women have. Here is the metaphor...
Picture a beautiful oak bucket made of nice thick beautiful wood. The bottom of the bucket is solid and sturdy. There is a shiny gold band around the bucket securing the wood. The beautiful bucket represents us (the woman). Now picture that bucket full of water. The water represents our service to others. Now picture a big ladle...representing all the outside sources that need our service. Each time our kids need something, they (the ladle) will take out a scoop of water (our service). Same goes for whoever or whatever comes along needing our service...each time we serve, another scoop of water comes out. If we continue to serve everyone nonstop...the bucket will eventually empty. And, once all of the water is gone, that ladle will start chipping away at the solid and sturdy bottom. So, sooner or later there will be no more bottom and the bucket will be useless. So...how do we replenish the water so the bucket won't empty out? Simple. We take care of ourselves. Each act of service we do for ourselves will add more water to that bucket. So...read that book...take that nice relaxing bubble bath...go get a pedicure...go out and get rid of some aggression at the batting cage...whatever it is that helps you. We can't let that bucket become useless. Because then we are NO good to anyone...depression, illness, breakdowns they all become realities.
So anyway...bottom line...I am going to allow myself to indulge in acts of TLC for me. Guilt free. If my mind is healthy then I will be able to make better decisions and choices.
Now...with having a clearer vision of what it takes to change my lifestyle and with the understanding of knowing that I am not perfect...I am ready for Round 2. This time I am involving my family. We all need to change. And boy do I have a lot of changes in store for us. I won't overwhelm us with too many at once, but we will be stretched out of our comfort zone.
Here's to good health and long and happy lives.