My family.

 

Let me just tell you...I am the luckiest girl in the world. I have been SO blessed with a family that has been so understanding and patient with all my struggles and inner demons when it comes to my weight and food.

My husband is a SAINT! His unconditional love for me has meant more to me than I could ever express. In the 17 years that we have known each other I have managed to gain 200 pounds, but he just looks right past that and still sees the beauty that is unrelated to that. He thinks I'm beautiful no matter what size I am. He just worries about my health. Understandably so.

My kids are just as awesome. They don't know me to be any different. I have been over 300 pounds since the boys were 2 years old...except for that brief moment last year when I was still on a successful path of losing weight and I weighed in under 300.

It's really unfortunate for them too because I was so much fun and full of energy. They haven't seen the Jill that I remember from long ago. The Jill that I still picture in my mind. The Jill that existed before I let my weight get out of control. Mike was able to see it for a short while when we were first together. But, the comfort of finding my soul mate made it easy to just indulge. For both of us. But, he had a better handle on things and didn't have a dependency on food.

Being a stay at home mom is a priceless job that I wouldn't give up or change for the world. But...it can definitely take a toll on a woman. Especially a woman that is used to her independence and need for acceptance and praise. I went from someone that has never been around babies...to a mother of twins. I am an only child. I moved to Las Vegas when I was 8 years old and I didn't have any cousins out here or any family my age. Everyone out here was an adult well past their time of having babies. And, none of my friends had younger (baby) siblings. So...I had NO experience with babies. Needless to say...twins totally overwhelmed me!

But, that was just the start of what would eventually end up being the war that I now fight with my weight and dependency on food. Even though I had twins, I was blessed to have two of the most fun and easy babies to raise. What a joy they are! A tender mercy for sure.

I think what hit me the hardest was going from a household where I was the main attraction (only child syndrome) and also being in a workplace where I was a key player most of the time...to a domestic position where I didn't get much recognition and also one that I wasn't familiar or comfortable with. Before this change, I got used to hearing praise and feeling accomplished when I finished a job. As a mom, you don't get that very much. And, after awhile it starts to bring you down. When it did for me, I turned to food to get that "high" that I was craving.

Don't get me wrong...my husband and parents are always supportive and complementary. So, I didn't lack in that kind of attention. What I was missing was a creative outlet and the feeling of success when a job was done and done well. When I'm not getting that kind of attention, it ends up taking a toll on me. But...I have learned to adjust and recognize when I need that little bit of ego boost and I either tell Mike that I need an ego boost or I go out and complete a project. But, I LOVE staying at home and being a part of everything that my kids do... it is a true blessing. So, these hiccups are well worth it.

But you know, sometimes because of these "hiccups" or lack of recognition and praise, you tend to feel unappreciated and not noticed for all the things that you do that they don't realize. We end up taking each other for granted and we forget to acknowledge the little things...we don't say "I Love You" as much as we should...we don't take a time out to say "Thank you."

This week my kids and husband expressed, in simple and unintentional ways, just how much they love me. It was minor to them, but needed for me. It was at different moments for each of them too. One was an unexpected loving backrub while sitting at the table. One was just laying with me on the couch to be close. One was just the sweet little kisses on the cheek or arm out of the blue. And, one was just the gentle touch and being held close. No words necessary...their actions spoke volumes.

These precious moments of affection really got me thinking of just how much we love and need each other. All of us. They need me as much as I need them. It would be devastating for them if anything were to happen to me. And, I have been thinking about this A LOT.

I am not blind to the fact that I am "morbidly obese". I am not blind to the fact that Diabetes is a serious disease. That is what has me scared. That is what makes me feel so ashamed and so sorry that I let myself get to this point. My family needs me and now I am at a serious risk of taking that away from them.

I know I need to take action and quit talking about it. I have been making empty promises for awhile now. Lately, I have been looking at old pictures and I can't stop crying because I feel so terrible for making them worry...for taking away 10 years that I could have been living life to the fullest but instead was so involved in what I was going to eat next. This needs to stop! I want a LONG life with my family and if I don't knock it off, that won't happen.

Lord help me...why is this SO hard?

All I can say is...I am strong. I am determined. I am important. I CAN do this.

 

 

 

I LOVE MY FAMILY!!

 

 

 



I am me, no one else.

 

 

Well...it happened. One of my kids said something innocently that made me want to cry. I knew it would happen eventually as they got older and realized that they have a mom that is much bigger than the other moms. And, I knew it would not be the boys that would say it...that's just not how they are. Now Sydney. Sydney is honest and tells it like she sees it. Which is a wonderful quality to have, but it needs to be used cautiously. I can't be mad because she is just like me. Although, I've had 30 years longer to learn what to say and when to say it. However, that doesn't mean that I always do. I still have plenty of  "open mouth, insert foot" moments.



Here is what happened. It's nothing major...it just hit me wrong. It was when we were driving somewhere and she was in the front seat next to me. This was our conversation.
Sydney, "Mom, how did you do that?"
Me, "Do what?"
Sydney, "That." pointing her finger up and down my arm
Me, "Huh?"
Sydney, "How did you get like that?"
Me, "Do you mean, how did I get so big?"
Sydney, "Yeah. And, I don't mean that in a mean way."
I knew it was an innocent question of pure curiosity because of not understanding what happens. But, that still didn't make it hurt any less.
So I said, "Well...I ate a lot of foods that aren't healthy and I ate too much of them. And, after awhile it caused my body to get bigger and bigger."
Sydney, "That's not going to happen to me."
Me, "It will if you do the same thing. Why do you think I'm always telling you to eat your fruits and veggies and not so much sugar?"
She then had a look of understanding, but still doesn't think it will happen to her. She's a tough one to explain things to. The conversation went on, but that was the part that stung. I also tried to teach her to be careful with what she says because it could hurt someone's feelings. Unfortunately I don't think I delivered a very good teaching lesson with this, because I was trying to control the tears and not show my hurt. I wasn't angry with her by any means. I was angry with myself for giving her the reason to ask that question.
My. weight.
My weight will be a CONSTANT battle for me. But, if that is the only thing that I battle with, then I'm doing pretty good.
I can use this as a good teaching tool on how they need to take care of themselves. Problem is...I need to teach by actions and not just words.
One thing that I have noticed as I've gotten older, had my ups and downs, been able to reflect on my behaviors and been totally honest with myself...is...I am me and no one else.
A lot of my "failures" and "set backs" were caused by trying to be someone that I'm not. I compare myself to everyone...as most of us do. It's not one person in particular, it's everyone. Whatever our insecurities are, that is what we obsess about with trying to change and be like whoever it is we envy.
I wish...I wish...I wish...
It will literally cause you to go nutty.
My insecurity is, my size. I feel ENORMOUS...all...the...time. It affects how much I enjoy everything. Whether it be the fact that I can't move as well...can't fit somewhere...feel completely embarrassed when I'm standing next to a thin person...feel totally unattractive to my husband...the list goes on and on. This is what fuels my need to compare and "wish". "I wish I could be thin like that. I wish I enjoyed eating healthy like her. I wish I enjoyed exercising like they do."
I wish...I wish...I wish...
I'm done with wishing. Because...I am not like any one else. I...am...me.
My body is not designed to be thin. I am curvy. I do not like eating healthy or exercising. Plain and simple. Period.
But...does that mean I give up? No. It means that I need to find what works for ME in order to be the Jill that I picture in my mind.

It's freeing to finally let go of trying to be like everyone else and focus on what it is that I want to do and how I want to do it. I want to be healthy and at a weight that makes me happy. That will never change. I will not get down on myself about every little thing. Because that is what makes me turn to food. If I don't like to run...fine...I'll walk. That I can do. If I don't like to eat like a health nut 24/7...fine...I'll adjust how I eat to incorporate the healthy foods and limit my indulgences. That I can do. NO MORE "I need to be like them". I will find my own groove.
I love who I am. Although, I do not love my weight or current health issues. But that can be changed. I do know that I will constantly be redirecting my thoughts, in order to focus on my own path and no one else's. And, that is totally doable. I am making a lifetime change here which means I need to create habits that are conducive to that. But also do so in a way that is realistic and not out of my character.
I made the mistake of starting this journey in such an aggressive manner that it ended up pushing me into a downward spiral once I got burnt out. I can't do that again. It just isn't healthy...emotionally or physically. It has been a year of beating myself up and searching for answers as to why I fell off the wagon. I have gained back all the weight I lost. I am so embarrassed and disappointed. I look back on pictures from when I was at my lowest weight and remember how much better I felt. That is why I haven't given up or lost hope.
With that being said, I am doing this MY way. I know myself better than anyone. I know how I need to proceed in order to be successful. Yes...it will take longer to get to my goal. But...it will be done in a way that will keep me sane. No more comparing myself to others. That is a distraction that will lead to self destruction.

Teaching an old dog new tricks.

It's a new year.
Time to set ridiculously unrealistic goals...get frustrated...quit and then continue with what I was doing but only worse.
Isn't that a negative and pessimistic way of looking at resolutions? But... it's honest.
I have a multitude of things that I want to change and work on, but I am not going to make the same mistake this year that I do every other year. Which is...attempting to completely change every bad habit that I have ever had and start a routine that is completely unfamiliar and different...starting January 1st. That.is.absurd. Because...obviously...that ambitious, yet admirable approach, doesn't work.
And, I know that this isn't my usual "go get 'em" attitude. But...this is how I really feel.
I am quite aware of my abilities and how far I can push myself before I get pissed off. I have learned this over the past 2 years. And by saying that, it doesn't mean that I will become complacent...it just means that I know my limits. I know how much I can take on before it affects me emotionally. I am a VERY sensitive and emotional person. So...I have to be cautious of that.
I beat myself up over everything. I want to be perfect at everything I attempt...instantly. I am impatient, so I want results immediately. You see where I'm going with this?
That is why I can't set goals that seem so far away and are so different than what I'm used to. I don't handle stress well...I have reluctantly accepted this. As much as I want to reach for the stars, I just can't. It's too much. Right now...I need to focus on goals that are more clearly in sight.
As a family, there are a lot of things that we need to work on. And, as a mother making these things happen is my responsibility. I have to lead by example. I can't expect my kids to change, if I can't get my own shit together! Excuse the language. ;)
Ultimately...it starts with organization and planning.
I have to take a good hard look at each of our likes, dislikes, strengths and weaknesses. What can we all do that will not only make a positive impact, but is also something that we can enjoy. If I start a routine that we all hate or dread...it will never last. Plain and simple. It needs to be more gradual and somewhat subtle. As a mom, I need to initiate the changes in a less aggressive way so the kids don't know what hit them. By gradually changing how we eat and incorporating more activity in a fun way, it will help us all to feel better. That, in turn, will begin the changes we need to make as a family. I have to take into consideration the foods and activities that we each like and plan around that. I can't expect us to be accepting of change by forcing everyone to eat or do things we don't like. We all have favorite vegetables and fruits...it may be very few, but it's a start. Once we get on the path of eating healthier, our tastes will change and our number of favorites will increase.
It's not just about me anymore. My actions have taken a toll on the whole family. And, it is time to turn things around to make our lives healthier, longer and more fulfilling. Without making it miserable for everyone. The steps may be small, but they will be in the right direction.
In order to start taking those steps, I need to know where to begin.
There are two things that I have learned about myself.
1. I am a VERY visual person. What I see can have a huge impact on my mood. If my house is a mess or feels unorganized, I am in an irritable mood most of the time. I can't stand clutter! But...what's funny is...I'm a messy person. I leave things around all over the place with the intent of "I'll put it away later." And...guess what? My kids follow suit. And...why shouldn't they? "If mommy does it than so can I." When I have a clean house, my mood is so much better. And, when I am in a good mood, I make better choices. I don't just sit around pissed off because my house is a mess and I don't want to clean it and then I eat a bunch of crap to make myself feel better which in the end makes me feel worse because I just ate a bunch of crap! Whew!! It's a vicious cycle. So...here's what I can do. I can begin with cleaning up after myself, putting things away before it piles up and help prevent the vicious cycle from beginning. Lead by example.
2. I am all about convenience. Hence...the reason why I love fast food. It's quick and easy and I don't have to cook it or clean up a bunch of dishes. But...it is SO unhealthy and has made a tremendously noticeable impact on our family. We are ALL gaining weight and becoming lethargic. NOT good! This is where organization and planning are most important. If I plan out meals and snacks, have things prepped and ready to go...then I have made it more convenient for our family. Which will decrease the amount of fast food we eat. This behavior is another contributor to my mood. When my body is full of healthy foods then I feel better. It's a no brainer. I've always known this, but have still made the bad choices.
It all comes down to emotions. How am I feeling emotionally? When I'm in a good state of mind then all is well. The 2 behaviors that I listed above are very different in how they impact my emotions. The first one is psychological. When my living space is uncluttered then my mind feels uncluttered, so I am less stressed and overwhelmed. The second one is physical. What I put in my body affects how I think and function. So, I am less likely to become depressed because of my sugar levels and fatigue.
In December, I received all my blood work back from my doctor's visit in November. And...the red flag was my blood sugar. No surprise. My weight HAS to change and HAS to change for good!! NO more of this lose and gain, lose and gain crap. That is why I am SO adamant in how I proceed with this. As much as I want to "bite off more than I can chew", I have learned that, emotionally, that approach is disastrous. One thing that my doctor has done to help me with all my mental "demons" is prescribe an anti-depressant. I don't like being reliant on medication, but I have noticed a big difference since I've been taking it. My mind is calmer and I have more patience. It's such a nice feeling to not feel so on edge all the time.
One thing that will never change in this journey is my determination to get healthy...family included.
So, my New Year's resolution this year is to be smart...be mindful of how to make the changes necessary in a way that is accepted, appreciated and long lasting.