Depression

This week I had an "ah-ha" moment. I have used my many years of college and medical school to self-diagnose myself. HaHaHa! Just kidding. I wouldn't last through all that school! No, I just depend on the "know it all" degree that I earned once I became a teenager. :) So...between that degree and my keen observation skills I was able to pinpoint what my problem has been lately. Depression.
Yep. There it is. The word...the illness...the mental disorder that I thought I would NEVER experience.
I mean, why would I? As I have said in many of my past posts...I have a VERY blessed life. So...how could I suffer from Depression? I just don't understand.
Even though, it seems extreme to me, I am not so naïve to think that I am immune to it either. For a LONG time now, I've known that something wasn't quite right. So, I paid more attention to my symptoms. And, over the past few weeks, I have noticed certain things occurring more often. Most noticeably is the inability to control the tears. It has gotten to the point that, I have a hard time carrying on a conversation sometimes without struggling to keep my composure. It doesn't take much to start the water works either. But then, after a few minutes of losing it, I'll regain control and then I am just fine.
Another red flag for me is my sudden desire to withdraw and my lack of desire to do anything. I just kinda want to chill at my house and do my own thing most days. I feel that I am pulled in so many directions all the time, that right now it's really nice to just chill. Problem with this one is...I don't want to cook. At all. And, I don't want to go to the grocery store because it is exhausting and requires me to make too many decisions. Because of this, we are eating out WAY too much! Which is NOT good on the wallet or waistline for any of us. This happens mostly when Mike is travelling.
Speaking of Mike's travelling, it is becoming more of an issue for me too. I don't know if it's because I'm tired of it or the stresses of the kids' busy schedules are harder for me to handle on my own or I just need him here to help with the normal parenting issues. Honestly, I think it's all of that combined. Plus the obvious reason of,  I just miss him and want him here with ME. I don't know how single parents do it. I am blessed to have my parents that live nearby and my SIL and BIL to help if I need. But, I have always tried to manage on my own before asking for help. Mike has been employed with different companies over the past 12 years and all of them have required him to travel except one, and he was always "on call" with that one. This is how we view it...it was our choice for him to accept these jobs and it was our choice to have kids, so the travelling was something that we had to work with when raising our kids. We understand this, so we don't feel that we should depend on others to carry us through.
I think I started my downward spiral a year ago when we moved and I had such a stressful month and a half during that time. It was mild and seemed to be more PMS problems than anything else at the time. A few months later, I felt the change of moods more drastically, so I had blood work done. This time it's appeared to be Adrenal Fatigue. I honestly, didn't do much to help get this under control. It didn't seem like a big issue for me. I've always had the attitude of "just let it run it's course, things will get back to normal soon". During that time, I also started taking new vitamins and I noticed a change in moods while I was taking them, but I kept thinking "How could vitamins change my mindset?" So, I ignored the signs. But, then after a few months, I just kept getting this gut feeling that I should stop taking them, so I did and that seemed to help. For awhile.
After all that, summer came...so the kids are home. I decided to just take it easy and enjoy my time with the kids...no pressing schedules, no rigorous exercise or diet plans...just enjoy my kids. And, this summer felt much shorter for me than usual and I wanted to latch onto my kids more. Usually by September, I'm ready for school to start. But I didn't want to let go this year.
After school started, things got really busy again. Mike's travelling became more frequent, soccer season started, homework came into the picture again, etc. And even after 6 months, I was still feeling like something wasn't quite right. But, this time I thought it was anxiety problems. My mom helped me see this because I was too oblivious or too stubborn to think that there may be an explanation for what I'm experiencing. But...I still didn't want to do anything or see a doctor about it because I didn't want more medicine. I wanted to get a grip and deal with it! I tried to get over my "blues" and emotional breakdowns by coming up with excuses. But after the past few weeks, I have come to realize that there is definitely something more serious going on.
Hence...the self-diagnosis of Depression. It all fits.
Here is an explanation of Depression that I read.
"Clinical depression goes by many names -- depression, "the blues," biological depression, major depression. But it all refers to the same thing: feeling sad and depressed for weeks or months on end (not just a passing blue mood). This feeling is most often accompanied by feelings of hopelessness, a lack of energy (or feeling "weighed down"), and taking little or no pleasure in things that gave you joy in the past. A person who's depressed just "can't get moving" and feels completely unmotivated to do just about anything. Even simple things -- like getting dressed in the morning or eating -- become large obstacles in daily life."
"Appetite and/or weight loss or overeating and weight gain may be symptoms of depression in some people. Many others experience decreased energy, fatigue, and a constant feeling of being “slowed down"... Restlessness and irritability among those who have depression is common. A person who is depressed also has difficulty concentrating, remembering, and trouble making decisions."
Bingo!! This is what I have been going through for months! How could I be so blind to not see this?
Just about everything listed hits home. Man, if only I could have clued into this in months ago. But, sometimes it just doesn't register until things get beyond crazy.
So...now I need to see a doctor to confirm my diagnosis and determine what form and how severe. Which I have already set up an appointment for. There are some lifestyle changes that I need to make now, to help with the efforts of getting this under control. Now, I just need to do them. **sigh** :/
I would LOVE to get back to the old Jill that I know and love as soon as possible. This current Jill, is a real drag. Fortunately though, when I figure something out, that is usually the turning point. Knowledge is power. Medicine or not I will fix this!

Eliminating distractions, adjusting priorities, regaining my sanity.

I have so much going on in my head lately. Is it hormones? Is it depression? Is it anxiety? Is it stress? Is it a need for something more or different? All I know is that I can't seem to get my emotions under control.
I have been pretty down on myself for awhile now. I try to stay optimistic and keep a positive attitude but it's hard sometimes. I mean, let's face it...last year I kicked butt and lost 85 lbs. But, in a matter of 6 months, I have gained most of that back! And...that has taken a toll on my self esteem and feelings of failure. I don't know what to do. And honestly, I really don't want to do anything! I am tired of thinking about it, worrying about it and hearing about it. It has been such a huge focus of mine for so long, I almost think that I am driving myself into a depression or having issues with anxiety because of it. I have lost focus on other important things in my life because of this. I have forgotten how to live without a constant nagging voice of "You're doing it wrong."" You're not doing enough." After awhile, it gets to me and I blow up. I usually have a monthly meltdown...thank you Mike for always being there for that (lucky you). My emotions are all over the place, I am tired all the time and I have felt the need to withdraw more. This worries me because that is NOT who I usually am. I am just so frustrated with the pressures I put on myself to do everything "perfect". And...what's funny is, there is no "perfect". Everyone's perception of perfect is different and even mine changes over and over. Just when I think I've got it figured out, my standards change or I hear that it should be done this way instead. So, I'm never satisfied.
I used to be much better at having the attitude and lifestyle of "go with the flow". I can't be that way anymore. I have 3 growing kids with busy schedules, I have a husband that travels a lot and I have other responsibilities that take up my time. I know that if I organize my time better, it will help me out tremendously. I struggle with prioritizing and finding that balance of scheduling must-do's/chores but also giving myself "me time". Scheduling is crucial if I want to stay sane, stay healthy and be in a better state of mind. It's just so hard for me to focus and set that schedule up. I'll find a million other things I'd rather do. Probably because, once I set up that schedule, I will have no more excuses. Now I have to follow it. Which is hard for the "rebellious" and the "don't like rules" kind of girl that I am. But...at some point, I'll need to just suck it up and do it.
My biggest fear besides dying young and not being around to watch my children grow up and grow old with Mike is...my kids going through the same weight issues that I have. As their mom, it is my responsibility to teach them and guide them in making healthy choices and taking care of their bodies. And...I am failing miserably! I can't even get my own act to together. Kids learn by watching others' examples. Actions speak louder than words. How do I expect them to make the right choices if their own mother doesn't. Mom knows everything, right?? At least, that's what they think when they're young. I have got to set a better example for them! It breaks my heart to see them chub up or not be able to keep up physically with their friends. Right now, they're still ok for the most part. But...if I don't turn this family around soon, they will have set up their own bad habits and that will be even harder to change.
One thing that I have noticed is, that ever since the ever so popular Facebook came into my life, I have been pissing away hours of time that I could use for other things. I have an addictive and compulsive personality. I find something "fun" that I like and I'll obsess about it. It really becomes a problem because I let other important things get put off or completely ignored in order to feed my obsession. Not good. So...in an effort to regain control of my priorities, I am taking a step back. I will still have my Facebook account and I'll post things and such, but I will not let it manage my entire day. I have to set limits. I have uninstalled it from my phone because that becomes a distraction all the time. And, I don't like to be viewed as a person that is always looking at my phone. I, personally, can't stand that. I think it's rude. So...why do I do it??  Because I'm obsessed with the "Like's" and "Comments". And...you know what I say about that? Get over it. Plus, I don't want my kids answering the question of "What does your mom do?" with "She sits at the computer all day playing on Facebook." How embarrassing is that?!? And...at this point in time...it's pretty accurate. Sad to say. So...this must change! From now on...I'll stand next to the computer all day! LOL!! Just kidding. I hate standing. ;)
Besides Facebook, I have many other little obsessions and all of them keep me from getting things accomplished. Back in the day, when I was young and dumb and had only me to worry about...I think I was more organized. Maybe. Maybe not. Either way...when I was a Store Manager, I always kept a list next to the registers of all the tasks that needed to get done. It may have taken several days, but it usually got crossed off. That is what I need for myself now. My brain is overloaded with information to remember...it's not just for me anymore either. I have to remember stuff for everyone in my household and sometimes more. So...a "to-do" list in addition to the monthly calendar will help unclutter my mind and keep my priorities straight. I also need to remember to focus on ONE project at a time and FINISH it!!
All in all...I am not going to make my "weight loss journey" such a large (no pun intended, haha) focus. I need to lose weight...I know this...and I will. But, I also need to gain control of a lot of other things that have been neglected. I was talking to Mike about the fact that even though being a stay-at-home mom is a priceless gift, I feel that I am missing something. So, this spring, I will most likely be heading back to school. YIKES! Maybe that will help me get my mind on other things. I'm excited about it! I feel like my brain is turning to mush and I need to challenge myself in new ways. So...here's to a new chapter in my life.

No more guilt. Just relax and do my best.

Failure.
In some ways...yes, I have failed. But, in other ways...I've succeeded.
I have come to terms that I will always have weight problems. I will always want to eat everything I see...especially if it's unhealthy. I will never enjoy exercise.
But...I will always be learning and trying to do what I need to, in order to get healthy. Not thin...healthy.
I hate counting points. I hate counting calories. To the point that it pisses me off and then I binge because I am so annoyed with it!! So...what do I do??? Do I give in to that immaturity or do I empathize and find a different way? I know that counting is the best way to assure that I lose weight. But...is it worth my sanity? Ultimately, I am looking to achieve good health...and not just in the physical sense.
When I am following a counting plan...food consumes my every thought more than it did before. I view food as the enemy because it causes me such headache. As much as I try and say I'm going to sit down and plan out my meals...I rarely do. My moods change frequently, unexpected activities or a crisis will come up...which throws off any plan that I had. At least, in my mind it does. If a wrench gets thrown into my day...I will, a lot of times, scratch what I was going to do whether I needed to or not. And...I'll tell you why. I don't like eating at home. I like someone else to cook...I like someone else to clean up...I like for everyone to be able to order what they want so I don't have to hear complaints about what I fixed. Therefore...a wrench is usually welcome...so I can eat out. But...then the guilt sets in.
Guilt. It's one of the emotions that I feel almost constantly. Guilt from the choices that I make. Guilt because of the way that I feed my family. Guilt from disappointing my loved ones due to me thinking so selfishly by handling things the way that I do. All in all, I am in a continual mind war with myself and it's beginning to cause anxiety. I need to chill out! This is definitely not helping me to achieve good health mentally which then affects me physically.
I know I have A LOT of weight to lose. That, in of itself, causes me to have anxiety. I get pissed off because I did this to myself. I get pissed off because my family is following suit...by my example. I know that I need to figure out something fast or I am just going to get heavier and more depressed. So...do I want to continue with WW or counting calories to achieve my goals? Honestly...no. I want to live and not have to overthink every meal. I want the freedoms without that nagging voice saying, "Did you count that? Should you be eating that?" I want to set my own rules.
It's a give and take relationship really. Just like in a marriage or at a job. In marriage, there is compromise and a respect for your spouse. Same with food. Allow myself to eat that dessert but only after I have eaten all my fruits and veggies for the day. That will help it feel less restrictive...which will help control my rebellious tenancies. At a job...I have to put in the effort in order to get paid, right? Well... same with eating correctly and exercising. I'm not going to see or feel any results if I don't do the work necessary. It's a give and take. Don't get me wrong, there do need to be some rules...I understand that. It just doesn't have to be so strict or by the book. Enjoy life without so much stress and pressure.
So...with a few "shaking of heads" I am going to do this... on...my...own. That is what I am comfortable with. I do enjoy the "rah rah" sessions to a certain degree. But, WW tends to award everything no matter what. It's like receiving a trophy for showing up. It puts less meaning to the significant victories. And, maybe that's an insensitive way to view it, but I'm being honest. I don't want a sticker for showing up. I paid to be there...I better show up. Plus, I get tired of the ignorant people that try to cheat the system and then don't lose weight and wonder why. "It's Weight Watchers! I'm supposed to lose weight!" Really??? Not if you eat a whole apple pie and call it a fruit. So, I'll stick with people I know and love to give me that "rah rah" I need. Frequently.
Earlier this year, I was asked to participate at a Relief Society enrichment night and share my "getting healthy" expertise. Being asked to do this was flattering and unexpected. And, I thought I was completely unqualified to say the least. Plus the fact, here is a 300 lb woman instructing others on how to get healthy. For those that haven't known me or followed my journey were probably thinking, "Are you serious???" But...I did my best. The other day I was cleaning out my desk and I just happened to come across my notes/handout for that night. And, it helped me refocus. I have to say that I enjoyed my own words and the tips that I had. So...I am going to share my "Top Ten Tips List"...
1. Be patient. Don't try to change everything all at once. That will result in frustration and most likely giving up.
2. Prioritize. Prioritize the things that you want to change and then pick the one that will have the most impact first.
3. Add in good habits. Add in the good before trying to get rid of the bad. The bad will be easier to let go of once you feel the effects from adding in the good.
4. Start moving. Anything is better than nothing. Find something you enjoy, so you'll stick with it.
5. Set Goals. Set realistic goals. Goals that are attainable with your lifestyle.
6. Be compassionate. You will screw up. You will have bad days. And, that's ok. Forgive and try again.
7. Ask for help. It's ok to not have all the answers. It's ok to need someone to hold your hand every so often.
8. Be positive. Most of us function better with positive reinforcement. Praise yourself in the same manner you would praise your child or a loved one.
9. Allow yourself breathing room. Nobody wants to be put under a microscope. Have some fun, indulge every now and then. It will help you to not get those bitter feelings or feelings of resentment.
10. Involve others. It will help tremendously in a variety of ways. It will keep you accountable. It will help with motivation, encouragement and desire to stick with it. It will help with advice and tips. Be up front and honest. We can't be strong all the time.
There it is. I am going to follow my own tips and take my own advice. I am going to work on my marriage with food and get the job done.