Setting goals and getting back on track.

 

 

Goal setting. Bleh!! I hate setting goals because I suck at it. I always set them over ambitiously because I am impatient and want immediate results. I manage to convince myself that I am superwoman and can completely change my habits overnight. Which...as we all know...is ludicrous and impossible.

Even though I hate setting goals, I know it must be done. Otherwise, I wander around aimlessly with no direction or end in sight. My challenge is...where do I begin and how much can I handle? I need to be realistic, but I also need to push myself. Where is that balance without sending myself over the edge? Hmm.

I know that I have been successful before, so I need to reflect on that. What worked for me back then? And, also what made me get off track? I know that I can push myself hard, but I also know, that I can't live like that long term.

When I started this journey, I was pumped...I was ready to take this on full steam. Which I did. And, I was seeing results too, and quickly. I do have to say though, it was the exercise and training that made the difference. My eating was NEVER where it should have been. That is the hardest part for me, getting that under control. So, when I burned myself out from the vigorous exercise regimen, I didn't have a healthy eating lifestyle to fall back on. So, in time, all the results from the hard work of exercising eventually disappeared. Granted, I did make healthier choices with food during that time, but not enough to maintain or keep the weight coming off once I stopped all the exercising. And, once I hit that point I became frustrated and ultimately my inner food demons and bad habits came back full force.

Another trigger to my falling off the wagon, was the amount of stress I put on myself. I would call it self-bullying. I am never satisfied. I always feel that I should've done more or better. I compare myself to everyone else OR how I used to be when I was younger, which always brings me down if I don't live up to that. I assume that I should be able to do the things that I could 20 years ago...200 lbs ago. Or, that I can keep up with someone half my size. NOT! I just am not capable of that right now. My body is in bad shape and I need to remember that. I have to work up to that level.

I hate being looked at as an invalid, but that's what I am sometimes. I physically can't do a lot of things because of my size or because I am not as strong as I used to be or I don't have the stamina. I am not completely helpless...I know that. And...there are a lot of things that I am still able to do. But...my family, my husband especially...all cater to my weaknesses more than they should have to. And, I know a lot of that is because of my laziness and refusal to change things. It is unfair to them and it is selfish of me. I have become dependent on them, and I never used to be that way. Years ago, I would always take pride in the fact that I could tackle projects on my own and wouldn't need help. But now, I am disgusted with how much that has changed. I just don't have the ability to do the things I used to, so I depend on others to do it for me. I DO NOT like that...being dependent.

With that being said...things HAVE to change. I can't live like this forever. I don't want to! And, my family deserves better than that. They deserve the Jill that I know I am...not the Jill that I have become. I am unrecognizable to myself.

So...getting back to goals. Let's think about what I want to achieve in life first, then I will prioritize and take the steps necessary and set realistic goals. And what better way to do that than my usual list of...

Simple Goals and Dreams of a Fat Girl...volume ??? whatever

1. I want to be able to climb a ladder effortlessly, over and over...without fear of falling or breaking it.

2. I want to be able to get up and down off the floor with out needing help or sticking my butt straight up in the air in the most ungraceful way imaginable.

3. I want to be able to do work on my knees without causing bruises due to the sensitivity of my skin because of the lymphedema.

4. I want to go shopping...all day. I am tired of being exhausted and mentally "checked out" because of the exhaustion after one store.

5. I want to go to a restaurant without the anxiety of fitting because of booths or small spaces. Same goes for theater seats, stadium seats, etc.

6. Speaking of stadiums...I want to be able to sit anywhere at a sporting event, regardless of the seating options. I want to be able to climb up bleachers if I have to.

7. I want to walk down hills or steps without feeling so unsteady on my feet.

8. I want to climb stairs without needing a handrail.

9. I want to play with my kids...play tag, roll in the snow, wrestle on the floor. I miss the agility that I once had.

10. I want to get off my medication.

11. I want to get rid of my C-Pap machine.

12. I want to go clothes shopping and enjoy it.

13. I want to feel attractive.

14. I want to feel energized.

15. I want to have the desire to get off my butt and be productive.

16. I want to feel confident and comfortable in my own skin.

17. I want to live life to the fullest and not miss out on things because of my size.

18. I want to have the ability to fit in any kind of seat easily...roller coaster, airplane, car...

19. I want to have the mental strength to tell myself "no" "try harder" "you can do it".

20. I want to have patience with myself to keep going when things get hard.  

 

So...with this list in mind, here is what I am going to do. I am going to stop making excuses and take care of myself. I am going to regain my independence and start living again.

Aimee, my trainer back in the day, helped me out so much in a variety of ways. She had me set goals each week, which was always a great motivator. She had me set a food goal, fitness goal, emotional goal and spiritual goal. And, I have decided that I want to implement that again. But, before I can set those detailed weekly goals, I need to get back on track first.

 

My first goal...

Get my diet under control. I am not going to join Weight Watchers like I usually do. I always go in there thinking that if I join, that's all I need. But...I have to actually follow their plan. And, to be perfectly honest, I don't like their plan. I think it is over complicated and takes too long to figure out points, so meal planning is a royal pain in the a**! And...I know my patience level with that. So, it's best to not even subject myself to that torture. Plus the fact, they have some twisted views on things and most of the time the meetings consist of members on a mission to find ways to cheat their points. It doesn't work or last that way.

My best method is to count calories and make a list of all the daily food requirements I need to fill those calories. I will be mindful of sugar content because that is what my body does not need. I will not eliminate anything because that plays a worse mind game on me than eating healthier. And, I know my rebellious tendencies, so I won't even test it. Keep it simple. It will be more manageable that way, so I will be more likely to stick to it.

My goal with this is to lose roughly 10 lbs. a month, the first month will probably be double that. At my size, that is a realistic goal.

 

My second goal...

Move more. Exercise. I have to treat it as a job that I get up each morning to go to. Monday-Friday, I will start slow and build it up each week. First, is to focus on cardio and getting my stamina back up. In addition to that, will be flexibility exercises and light strength training. Aimee taught me quite a bit when I was with her and I have kept a lot of the circuit training routines that she created for me, which will help me know what to do and plan out my workouts.

 

In addition to those, each week I will guiltlessly allow myself me time to rejuvenate. I will read/watch motivational things to help inspire me to keep going.

I believe that these are achievable goals. A healthy diet and daily exercise is a necessity and I know that. No more reckless choices. I need to suck it up and get in shape...mentally, emotionally and physically.

At the beginning of next year, I will weigh, measure and set my weekly goals.

This journey isn't over...it never will be. I will always have to work on keeping myself on track. My hope is to not have so many set backs, especially ones where I have to start over again.

I will learn to follow these simple rules...

Be patient...Be compassionate...Keep it simple

 

 

A Whole New World.

Sometimes you go through years in your life where you're content. You're happy. You're not looking for change. Things are good. Things are comfortable. Things are managing how they should be.
Then one day, you get thrown a curve ball, and a whole new world opens up. A world that wasn't totally unknown, but it just wasn't in the cards at that moment to visit.
Mike and I have always toyed with the idea of moving. We even went as far as meeting with a realtor and talking with team members from the Houston, Texas area a few years back. But, it just didn't feel right at the time. We knew we wanted a change and we wanted our kids to be near cousins. So, that left either Kansas City or Houston as options. We chose to explore Houston. In our minds it made sense, but after a few visits to the area and many conversations with the Houston Microsoft team...it just didn't feel right. I never really had much of a pull to explore Kansas City because I lived there as a kid and I wanted to look into someplace different. So, after our attempt to relocate to Texas and not getting the vibe to do so, we put our desires of moving on the back burner. I ended up convincing myself that Las Vegas was my home and I am happy there. I am always hesitant to leave my comfort zone anyway, especially if there is an unsettling feeling in my stomach. That is why I decided I would be in Las Vegas forever.
One thing that made our move to Missouri actually happen, was the fact that I never really had an uneasy feeling. Sure I had nerves and worries, but that is given with such a big change...especially one that involves more than just myself. The main concern I had was, changing the dynamic of the family that already lives in Missouri. I have always been close with them even though we've lived so far apart. I knew they had their own routines so with us moving back...I wondered if that would be ok.
I have weird insecurities sometimes. I'll feel like a third wheel or like I am imposing or intruding...and that is with anything I do, anywhere I go or anyone I'm with. I'll always question, "Do they want me here?" "Am I interrupting something?" "Are they thinking, 'I wish she would just go away.'" I don't know why I feel this way...I just do. Always have.
So, because of these insecurities, I was really worried about bringing our family into a place that has been without our presence for so long. How will that settle with everyone? But...let me just tell you, it has felt so natural to be back here in Missouri. We have settled right in with open arms and big smiles. Sometimes I'll even think, "Why didn't we do this sooner??"
I can't believe how much I love it back here. Of course I miss my family and friends back in Vegas a lot and the familiarity and comfort from living there for so long. But, being back here, I feel like a little kid almost, experiencing things for the first time.
It's like a place that I've always dreamed of living, but never thought I'd really want to or be able to handle after living in a big city for so long.
It's the little things that I am enjoying like *the leaves falling from trees *seeing squirrels everywhere *having a cozy fireplace to look at all day when it's cold outside *enjoying cooking at home more because there aren't that many other options *letting Josie outside into our big backyard to explore then having to hose her down afterward *living in a neighborhood where everyone knows everyone *having lots of big windows to be able to see all the beauty around and watch the icky weather from inside a warm, comfy home *having the kids' schools on the same block *having the bus stop at the end of our driveway *the teachers sending weekly emails with the following week's agenda *driving streets with beautiful trees and land all around *all the gorgeous woodwork in every home *how different all the houses look from each other...and the list just goes on and on.
It's all just so different from the hustle bustle of Las Vegas. Everything is much more easy going and slower paced here. It's a really nice change.
It's so great to be around the family that I have lived away from for so long! The kids are having a blast with each other and are getting used to each others personalities and quirks and boundaries. I have been able to reconnect with my family and have really enjoyed seeing how similar our personalities are and how fun they are to be around.
I am really looking forward to that first snowfall!! All these years, I have hated the winter and Christmas season in Las Vegas. I have always wanted a white Christmas, to feel the cold, see all the festive lights and holiday décor, drink hot chocolate (for a good reason). I am so glad that we moved when we did because fall is actually my favorite season and Missouri did not disappoint. I was able to see and feel all the things that I love about fall too.
It's a whole new world for me here. I am so thankful that things happen in life the way that they do in order for us to be where we need to be.
Here are some pictures of some of the things we've done since we've been here.

Fun times with cousins...

Sydney and Marissa sleepover in their fort

Brett, Colby and Jamison playing football at Jacque's farm

 Desirae pestering Colby (he secretly loved it ;) )

Marissa and Alliyah (sister love)

 

 

The boys goofing off

Marissa and Sydney having fun swinging at a friends farm

 

Time for our hayride and farm fun...

We went around a 100 acre property on this hayride

 

 Entertainment time...

Tamara and Jacque had front row seats

 

 Mike and I snuggling close with our hot chocolate (my hot chocolate, actually)

 

Horse loving time...



 



We were also enjoying getting close to all the horses after the hayride

 

 Jacque's farm

The kids get to help out at the farm every now and then. Great experience for them.

 

 

It's nice to live in a place that has so much more to do outside for the kids...and Mike and I too. I'm looking forward to the spring as well to get Sydney more involved with the horses. And Mike and I will be able to tackle our overgrown backyard and turn it into someplace more fun to play in.

There is still a lot to do in our house to personalize it more, but I'm excited for the challenges and new experiences. :) :)





 

An incredible journey...adapting to change

Well...I did it. Still hard to believe. I just keep pinching myself and wondering, did I really move? Did I really leave Las Vegas? The thing that makes this change so unbelievable is...I don't always follow through with my plans or things I say I'm going to do.
I am an impulsive person, I have GREAT ideas that lose their luster almost as quickly as I have them. I'll give you an example. I will go shopping with an agenda and I will look around the store and find something else that sparks my interest. I will pick up that something else and ponder, "What can I do with this?" I will come up with a grand idea! So then, I think of all the other things that I need to make this new idea work...forgetting about my original agenda completely. So...I walk the store some more. And, to my surprise...I find something new that sparks my interest! I will then repeat this process with the newest find. So...long story short...I walk out of the store empty handed because I can't make up my mind, I have thoroughly confused myself on what it is that I really wanted to accomplish and am now just plain frustrated and mentally exhausted from redesigning my plan multiple times.
That being said...the fact that I said I wanted to move and actually followed through with it, is a miracle.
It wasn't an easy decision though, lots of "what if's" and "are we sure??" questioning going on. This didn't only affect me, it affected my whole family! My kids were the main concern. Since I am an adult, it is easier for me to adjust. I don't have to start a new school and make all new friends. But, I tell you what...our kids were champs about the whole thing. They completely trusted us and jumped on board. It helped that our visit back here was so fresh in their minds, but still, it is leaving all that they've known and become comfortable with. One thing that I learned right away was that, they feed off of our energy and attitude. If I expressed worry and fear, then they would have those same worries and fears. So, I had to choose my words wisely and keep control of my emotions. That was hard. Luckily, I had 'behind closed door' talks with Mike and a few others to lose control a little.
I have to say that this process was quick and relatively easy...other than the emotional part. Everything that we needed to do to make this happen, just fell into place. We have been very blessed in so many ways. I am excited to see what our future brings.
So...here is our journey over the past couple of months. With lots of pictures! ;)
I explained how we came to this decision and how things worked out for us in my last post. This is the process after things were concrete and we were preparing to move.
First off...the tearful good-bye's.
Not only did we move away from my Grandma Peters, Aunt Tracy, Mike's sister and husband and his mom and dad (from St. George), we moved away from some very dear and close friendships that we have made over that past several years. It was so hard to control my emotions and keep my composure. I am not one to cry openly in front of people, so there were lots of tears shed out of sight. I have left some very, very special women (and men) that have impacted my life in so many ways that I can't even begin to explain. And, each of them offer something so unique than the other.

My Family.

We have lived near these two beautiful ladies (and my Grandpa, who passed away 7 years ago) since soon after we moved to Las Vegas. Luckily, they visit the family back in Missouri pretty often, so we'll still be able to see them. I'm hoping that they will be moving back here too. :)

 

We also have family that moved to Arizona pretty recently but they may move back to KC too! My Aunt BJ was the only family we had in Las Vegas for awhile. It'll be so nice to hopefully be reunited with them again!  

 

 

Mike's Family

I was so lucky to have married into such a wonderful family! They immediately welcomed me with open arms and treated me like another daughter/sister. I have developed such a close and special relationship with each of them, it's hard for me to be apart from them after having them so close for so long. They have been there for all of the "events" of the kids' and our lives since the beginning...their presence will be greatly missed. What I'll miss most is the long talks at the kitchen table, the spur of the moment game night and the comfort of knowing they're near by.

My friends...my girls.

 

 

 

 

This group of ladies above are my church posse and all of them hold a very special place in my heart in their own way. Most importantly is, they all understand me and have fun with my crazy and sometimes inappropriate personality and humor. We all just have a good time together, as a group or one on one. Lots of Girl's Night Out dates, lunch dates and play dates, we were always getting together for something. They have all been huge supporters in my "Weight Loss Journey"!! All of them by offering words of encouragement and some by getting out there with me and pushing my limits or getting me off my butt. Not to mention, spiritually I have grown so much stronger having them in my life. And, there are many more ladies from church that have impacted me as well. And, they are certainly not forgotten!! :)

 

 

This lady...what a sweet treasure she is. A heart so big and such a zest for life. One of the most caring and loving women I know. Her energy and smile are contagious and is just a pure joy to be around! I have learned and grown a lot from her from our time spent together. Another huge supporter in this journey of mine.

 

The family and friends in the pictures above...and more that are not pictured...are what made this move very difficult. Sure, we have Facebook and phone calls or texting, but it's not the same. You can't hug or just chill with someone that way. That is what I'll miss the most! :'(

 

Not only did I receive lots of hugs and expressions of love and sadness over the weeks leading up to our departure. I was surprised with the most thoughtful and priceless gift I could ever receive.

A group of young girls that I have watched grow up and had the pleasure of being their leader for Activity Days, made me this beautiful quilt with all their hand/footprints and names on it...with the help and hard work of some incredible and talented women. It brought me to tears immediately and it will be cherished forever! 

 

Ok...so enough of the tearful good-bye's and the ones I've left behind.

 

Onto...the moving experience. And...what an experience it has been!! We decided to use a moving company to pack up our stuff and drive it to our new home in Missouri. It was actually a great decision that insured our possessions if anything got damaged during the move. And... it relieved me of the headache of packing, which allowed me to focus on other things. Bonus!

The day of packing was actually very comical. I had NO idea what to expect. They said it would take 2 days to pack, which in my mind meant a relaxed setting of boxes and labor. WRONG!!

The days leading up to this, I had been purging and arranging pick ups for what I was getting rid of. I was also organizing and staging how I wanted things packed to avoid double work when unpacking. Plus putting aside what we were taking in the van to keep us comfortable until the moving truck arrived. In other words...my brain was overloaded with too many decisions and then executing them accurately while going about my usual daily routine.

So...the night before the packers came, I was exhausted and left a few minor things for myself to do first thing before things really got moving. Well...to my surprise, there was no relaxed approach to this whole packing thing. It was like an army of Tasmanian Devils in all areas of the house showed up and immediately started filling boxes, wrapping breakables, building boxes, taping up boxes, labeling, inventorying, moving boxes from room to room. I couldn't help but laugh at the chaos. I quickly remembered those few things I needed to do before they got in full swing...but it was too late! So...I was without a decent assortment of clothing for myself...but, that was my own fault.

It took them about 6 hours to pack our whole house...a 2200 sq. foot house. Crazy!!

Once we started unpacking, I quickly realized why it only took them 6 hours to pack. The boxes were labeled with very vague descriptions and sometimes with the wrong room listed. For example, one box was labeled "popcorn", and it was a big box, mind you...so we curiously opened it up and on the bottom of a variety of items there was a small handful of packages of microwavable popcorn. And, that wasn't the only box labeled like that. Plus, if it wasn't breakable it was practically thrown into the box...it was like Christmas morning opening up each one. They did wrap up pictures and fragile items very carefully and very well. I think about 3 forests were leveled in preparation for all the paper used to pack our house!

Here are some pictures of that experience...

 

All done! Empty house.

 

 

And...we're off! The drive...

Relatively uneventful...although long and crowded. The hardest part was traveling with animals, making sure the were comfortable.

 

Very crowded!! We tried to make a spot as comfortable as possible for Josie.

But...she always ended up right next to me looking terribly uncomfortable. I made sure to give her lots of attention and love. :)

 

Beautiful scenery through Colorado!

The hotel stops were much needed for the animals to stretch and move around. Josie was able to run in a big open field at one stop. She loved it!

 

 

We have arrived!! Home at last!!

The house we bought is darn near perfect! It is 4100 square feet, 5 bedrooms, 4 bath and sits on 2.4 acres! Absolutely beautiful!! The only negatives to this house...which are minor...are that the land is a pie shaped lot (the big part in the front coming to a point in the back), so it isn't as ideal as I would like for kids playing and Josie running. The bulk of the acreage is in the front and side yards and I prefer being hidden in the back yard better. Also, the fireplace is not functional, it's for show, but that can be changed. And, the master bath (shower/toilet room) was a last minute thought...super small. I can hardly turn around in the shower. LOL! But...overall this house is FANTASTIC and I love it!!

Front/side yard

Same side yard but the view from the upper deck

The back yard. It's hard to make out because of the trees. We have a retaining wall about 10 feet or so from the lower patio. There is lots a bush and such right now that will get cleaned up in the spring. There's also a little creek.

The lower patio outside the basement underneath the deck off of the kitchen. It spans the width of the house.

 

A view of the side yard of other side of the house from the back deck

 

The upper deck view from kitchen

 

Walking out from the kitchen

 

Turning the corner. This deck spans the width of the back of the house. It's huge!

 

The view of the back yard from the living room. There are a ton of big windows all along the back of the house on the main floor exposing the beautiful views of our back yard. So bright and cheery and fun to watch nature.

 

Living room view from the front door

Dining room off of the living room

Dining room, kitchen and breakfast nook

Kitchen from a different angle showing the other side of the living room

The other side of the living room showing off the front door, stairs, catwalk connecting the kids' room, the door next to the stairs leads down to the basement and the door to the right of that is the master bedroom. The kids' room...Sydney's is one the right side of the catwalk and she had her own full bath. The boys' rooms are on the left. They each have their own room and vanity with a sink joined by the toilet/shower room.

 

Our first meal at our new house, in an empty house, besides a folding table and chairs and air mattresses for everyone. Mike came a week earlier because he had work in Topeka, KS. So he drove down to the house when he was done, to get the keys, sign papers and stock the house with some necessities that we'd want once we all got there. Plus, he did a lot of odd jobs fixing things up. My cousin was a huge help with the house while Mike was there and after he left.

 

 

The moving truck is here!! Finally...we'll have furniture and everything else!

 

Poor Josie didn't know what to do with herself!

 

Now...unpacking. :P



 I will be so happy when all these boxes are unpacked and gone. Some of them were packed so tightly and super heavy, I felt so bad for the men unloading the truck! Not too mention, it was raining the whole day, there were stairs everywhere...some leading to the front door, in the garage up to the kitchen, 2 flights up to the kids' rooms and 2 different flights down to the basement. Plus...they had to carry certain items (800 pound safe, my awkward heavy desk and a sofa) down a grassy, wet hill to the basement. They were whipped!!

 These bags are FULL of packing paper! They are 50 gallon bags and this is only about half of what we've thrown out! But...at least there was nothing broken!

 

 

Making progress! Slowly...but surely.

 

This is the basement. There are 3 sections to the open space.

 





This is my side...office/craft/game area.

 This is the rest of the open area of the basement (my space is to the left). The middle part is the living area that has all the kids' game systems hooked up. The area in the far back will eventually house a pool table.

 

Here is the view from the "pool table" space. The door on the right leads to the 5th bedroom (Mike's office), the next door to the left is storage, the next door leads upstairs and the next door (opened) is the 4th full bathroom. The folding doors house the water heater and such.

 

So...that is our house! It's big and roomy and once I am able to get all my pictures hung, areas decorated and everything organized...it will be SO nice!

 

 

Adapting to country life and a small town.

 

It is quite a change that's for sure!! The population here is right around 8000 people, there is one high school, one middle school and an elementary split into 2 grade groups...K-2nd and 3rd-5th and all of them located right next to each other. There is one main street and the speed limit everywhere except for that main street (which is 40 mph) is 25 mph. Let me just tell you how hard it is to drive that! Mike already got pulled over...no ticket though, thankfully. The cop understood that we'd need a little time to adjust and remember. There are no grocery stores nearby, only a Walmart. There are a few fast food places and a Walgreens. Other than that it is very small town.

 

I'm loving the beauty of the area and all the different critters and such around. I see squirrels, Daddy Long Legs and a variety of other things Vegas does not have. Right now the leaves are changing and falling...it's so pretty. Here are a couple of pictures of what I get to drive on a daily basis.

 

The kids.

 

They are adjusting very well! Brett had a rough time at first. He was in tears a few mornings, which broke my heart! But, it was caused mainly by being tired from being sick and not sleeping well. He said that he likes the school and kids. They all say that.

These schools are so different than what they're used to...what I'm used to. The school size is a fraction of their old schools...their middle school is 400 kids and they came from a school of 1800 kids. The class size is rarely over 20 students and a lot of the teachers send weekly emails about what they have planned that week for the class. The boys start an hour earlier than Sydney and get out an hour earlier too...which kinda sucks for driving them to and from school. They could take the bus, but I'd rather just drive them. The school spirit is awesome and it spreads through the whole town!

 

Their first day of their new school. Man...that was hard for me!!

 

 

As with any change, I worry about how it will affect them, but so far it has been great for all of us! We are spending a lot of time with our family and Sydney has been able to play on the farm a little. I'll get her more involved with the horses later after we've settled in more and it gets warmer. It is such a difference from what I've known for the past 30 years, but I welcome the change!!

 

My next goal is to get back into the swing of things with my weight loss. That will be taking place very soon and I can enjoy life even more than I already do!

 

 

Life is good!! I am so blessed! :) :)