Discovering myself.

Lately I feel like a walking contradiction.

I say this is what I want...this is how things should be. But then I end up doing things that contradict my desires which then won't allow me to see those results.

I feel like a broken record that is stuck on repeat on the lowest speed.

I have always yearned for peace and routine in my life. But everything I do proves otherwise. I am in a constant state of change and I'm making the same efforts over and over without much gained (other than weight ;)).

I have the hardest time being able to focus on something long enough to make a plan. I'll start something and get distracted and not finish it. By the time I get back to whatever I was planning, my whole attitude and way of thinking has changed. Taking me back to square one. Very frustrating.

I am my own worst enemy when it comes to moving forward. I am a very hard person to impress and satisfy. And it's very hard for me to accept things as they are and not feel the need to make changes...constantly.

So, in other words...that ideal peaceful and routine way of life that I yearn for feels unachievable at times.

I have to find a way to allow myself to be satisfied with the work I've done. I don't know if it's lack of self-confidence or just the pressures of outside influences, but I always feel the need to "improve" something that I've worked hard on in order to make it "better". Even if whatever "it" is, is working just fine.

I struggle with this in all areas of my life. Whether it's education, career/life choices, decorating, projects, organization...it doesn't matter. Everything that I pursue will go through multiple "start overs" leaving me with nothing accomplished quite often. When I do finally settle my brain down long enough to execute a plan and be satisfied with it...the feeling of accomplishment is indescribable.

Needless to say I feel like I'm in a constant state of unfinished endeavors.

I over-complicate and over-analyze everything! What should be (in my husband's mind) a simple task...is anything but.

I will have visions of how I want something to be or look or work. I will do ALL the necessary research and purchasing of supplies needed to bring these visions to life. I will even begin the process of pulling it all together. Then...I get stuck. It's almost like my brain has stopped firing on all cylinders and I can no longer make the connections needed to take my vision all the way to completion.

I do this all the time with decorating and organizing my home. It's almost like fear of failure. What if my idea doesn't work or look right. I'm gun shy to get in there and follow through with my plan. I've learned that when it comes to this, it's all the outside influences that really hinder my progress. I'll get distracted by how someone else does it and then I feel like I should do it that way too. I'll end up losing sight of my original thought, so I get discouraged and stop the process. This is where I really have to channel my own style and wants and just run with it. It doesn't have to "make sense". It doesn't have to be "cover page" worthy. All it needs to be is "ME" and comfortable and just right for my style and home and family.   

Now, besides my constant "work in progress" home...there is my constant "work in progress" meal planning.

My biggest headache and challenge BY FAR!!

Here's the deal...I want to be the perfect little "Susie Homemaker". I want to have a beautiful, healthy dinner on the table every night, I want to have a freezer full of prepared food, I want a pantry that is organized and fully stocked with pretty containers with fun labels, I want fancy cookware and colorful utensils and dishes that match and cute little measuring cups that have all my ingredients pre-measured in them set out for me when I cook dinner. I want to be able to cook without a recipe and have it turn out perfect every time and hear the "Ooh's and Ahh's" from my family and "You're the BEST mom." from my kids. I want a fridge that's stocked with prepped and pre-proportioned snacks and washed up fruits and veggies that aren't rotten and anything I need readily available to use when I want it. 

Is THAT TOO MUCH to ask?!?

Honestly...what I really need is to stop watching Pioneer Woman and Rachael Ray and all the other fabulous "Made for TV" personalities that make me feel like "Mom Gone Wrong" all the time!!

Reality Check!! I am NOT "Susie Homemaker" nor will I EVER be!

Can I be satisfied with that??

Answer is...Nope.

I still compare myself to all of those "have it together" women and expect myself to be the same.

Which leaves me to my main issue. Food.

I plan and plan and plan my meals. I look through cookbooks upon cookbooks. I watch cooking show after cooking show. I pin thousands of meals on Pinterest. I print recipes from any website I can think of.

And what does that leave me with?  WAY too many options!! Which then...causes my brain to spin in a whirlwind of information with the overwhelming task of doing something with it all. 

So...I sit down and write down my favorites...with no regard as to if I'll actually ever cook it. And I do this because...well...I am in the mindset that I am...you guessed it "Susie Homemaker". I seem to forget that I hate to cook. But...who cares about that little detail, right?? If Pioneer Woman can do it...then doggonit so can I!

So...long story short...I waste hours and hours researching and printing and pinning and watching numerous options for meals...spend hours and hours creating and compiling these numerous options of awesome recipes onto a neatly typed, with just the right font, Word document that is organized by resource and then printed out to keep in my colorfully and creatively decorated and overly-thought out recipe binder to refer to whenever I'm ready for menu planning and cooking time.

Now...after all this work...getting all organized and being prepared to pull out my inner Dinnertime Goddess on a whim...what do I do??

Go to McDonalds.

Because...well...I remember...that I hate to cook.

Don't get me wrong, I do actually cook from time to time...I try to on a regular basis. What my point with all of this is...I over-complicate planning. I assume that I need thousands of options regardless of difficulty level, but I don't. Honestly, I only use a fraction of what I've researched anyway. There are certain recipes that will stick out in my mind and sound right for my family and cooking abilities. So, all I really need to do is take note of those and keep it simple on myself.

Keep it Simple. Keep it Simple. Keep it Simple. 

So...here's where I'm at now. I am taking a step back and coming back to MY reality of what I will and will not do. I know my limits. I know my patience level. Yet, I still insist on forcing myself to act like those women I am inspired by. Wrong or not, I admire the women that appear to "have it together". Now, whether they do or not, it doesn't matter, I like what I see. To the point that I get somewhat star struck and lose focus on my own lifestyle and capabilities. And, I'm tired of wasting time doing things that are geared more for someone much different than me. Because of this, I end up redoing a lot of my attempts at building a routine for myself and my family because I am failing to plan honestly with my own interests and likes in mind. I know that if I keep that in check, whatever I plan will feel right and I will be more apt to following it.

One thing I enjoy about getting older is that I am more open-minded and aware of my short comings. I try to reflect on my failed attempts and lack of progression and find a solution and the cause of them. That doesn't mean that my next attempt will be successful, but at least I know what not to do.

I have wanted to have a body that I'm proud of and one that I can do anything with for so long. I get sidetracked quite often trying to be someone I'm not and comparing myself to others to the point that I get discouraged.

It is so important to stay true to who I am and make sure that I find the time to figure out who that is. When I do that, I will be more successful in my endeavors and have that feeling of satisfaction that I often times miss.  

  

Health scare and a tough decision

This week has been very eye opening for me. I've always known that I need visuals in order to better understand what's being taught or told to me. And, that is exactly what I got last week. I got a glimpse into how my body is functioning for me right now. A clear visual. Not just a feeling that I have on my own to rely on.

Every day I wake up and my body decides how it wants to feel each day. Some days it's feeling pretty good, my legs don't feel extra heavy with water retention, so it's easier for me to be productive. Other days, from the hips down my body feels like dead weight, so doing anything wears me out really fast. I function each day based entirely on how I feel...I have no clue what's going on beneath the surface. I am not a doctor, so I cannot diagnose myself if something doesn't feel quite right. I have addressed the water retention problem repeatedly and have only been given medicine (which does not seem to do a whole lot). There has been no in depth search as to why I suffer from this. My guess is my diet, so I live with the reality of dealing with this until I adjust my diet. I do try to understand what the triggers are based on how I feel after I eat certain things, but that doesn't always mean I change it. Unfortunately, that's all I have to go by because I can't see the underlying problems.  

To make matters worse, I quite frequently live in a state of denial (ignorance is bliss) so I assume everything is fine. I understand the restrictions that my weight puts on me, so when I experience any feelings that I think are weight related, I dismiss it as so. I don't quite understand how the body works, so I don't realize what else might be going on. Plus, to add on to that, I am a self-doubter. I will feel symptoms or something not quite right, and I'll question it. I'll ask myself, "Is this all in my head?" or "Am I just being a wuss or hypochondriac?" So a lot of times, I will dismiss something that would ordinarily be seen as a red flag to someone else. And that's because, either the pain or feeling goes away, or I convince myself that it's nothing. Since I know my weight causes all of my aches and pains and issues, I just deal with it. It's my fault that I did this to myself, so I will grin and bear it.

When I'm feeling crappy or feeling the "weight related" issues, I really don't like to bring them up. I try not to for two reasons: 1. It's embarrassing and I assume everyone is thinking, "Well duh. I wonder why." 2. I don't want to hear "I told you so". To be honest, I don't feel like I deserve the compassion anyway because I am the one responsible for my choices. Plus, those that don't have weight problems, don't understand what's going on mentally and how the inner voice in my head can overpower all rational thinking...quite often. One can't truly understand another until they've been in their shoes.

So, it takes a lot to convince myself that, "Yes, something is wrong and I need to address it." 

Going back to my eye opening experience. Over the past year and then some, I have been consistently gaining weight. The number on the scale has reached an alarming all-time high. I have noticed a lot of changes physically...becoming weaker and more run down being the top runners. I have experienced flutters in my chest and sometimes blurred vision, which...I dismiss to the reason of my blood sugar being high because of something I just ate. Over the past month or so, a couple of other weird feelings have come forward. Every so often, I get lightheaded or dizzy, and I'll dismiss that to the reasons of getting older or moving my head too fast. Those things definitely got my attention but not enough to put me on high alert. The past couple of weeks I have experienced something different that really started to get me to pay closer attention. The kicker, the one thing that really got me to speak up, was the fact that I was getting extremely winded with little effort. Now, I know, I am a very large woman and it takes a lot of work to move my body around. But this was different, this was me getting unusually exhausted. I would be huffing and puffing walking from one room to another or even just going to the bathroom. This was much more extreme than usual and had me wondering if there was something more going on with my body on the inside that I couldn't see.

I told Mike about my concerns and he said to call my doctor. So, I did. After several people hearing about what my symptoms are, it was my doctor that eventually entered the loop of  the 'is this serious or not' discussion and directed me to the ER. Only because she knew I would have to take a lot of tests to determine what was wrong and their office didn't have the right equipment. So, off to the ER we went. I had a wide range of tests done...lots of blood work, 2 EKG's, a chest x-ray and a CT scan. I was hooked to a heart monitor most of the time also. It was the CT scan that gave the most clear result. It was found out that I have small blood clots in my lower left lung...which are not obstructing blood flow thankfully, but still needs to be resolved. As far as my heart is concerned, it's doing fine. Although the flutters are being looked into because my heart rate elevated whenever I felt them. So, I will be wearing a heart monitor for a 24 hour period to get a better view of how my heart functions during a normal day. As far as the clots are concerned, there will be more testing to determine the source and what kind of treatment is necessary to avoid future clots. I have slipped and fell to the ground a few times which resulted in large contusions to my lower legs each time...really nasty looking bruises that cover a huge area. So, that could be a source. I also retain water something awful in my legs, so my circulation may not be so good. Ultrasounds are being done there to see what's going on in my legs.

SO...this shit just got real. I have officially seen what's going on beneath the surface. And, it has brought a whole new light to the situation. Which has me thinking about the future...obviously. Not that I didn't before, but it feels more urgent now.

Now I am posed with a dilemma and a tough choice. Which is one that I have addressed before and contemplated many times. Weight Loss Surgery. Is this something that I should seriously consider now? I hate the thought of it for a multitude of reasons. Let me give you a glimpse into my negative thought process about weight loss surgery...

1. What will the surgery do to me emotionally? To be cut off so abruptly from a lifetime of overindulging...how will I cope, behave, react? Will it make matters worse by screwing up my mind? Will I turn into someone a lot less happy and fun to be around? Yes, I'll be getting thinner and physically healthier, but will it damage my emotional health in the process?

2. Will it bring on other complications that I wouldn't normally suffer from? Nausea, acid reflux, cramps...things like that, that make you feel crappy all the time.

3. Surgery scares me. All kinds of fears come with this. Will the anesthesia last and be strong enough? Will the doctor have an "oops" and cut something wrong? Will the staples fall out inside my body and my insides get all messed up? 

4. How will I be in 5 years, 10 years? Will I adjust and be ok with the new lifestyle? It's not reversible. So, I have to live the rest of my life with whatever happens.

Here are my positive thoughts...

1. Getting my life back sooner than later with a little assistance.

2. Putting attention on food control with physical repercussions and it helping me to make food less of a desire.

3. How exciting it will be to see the weight coming off quickly.

4. Not having to count points or calories...it may be extreme but it just feels like it would make things simpler.

Oh...how I yearn to have a normal sized body and to not have to deal with all my health issues anymore.

So...here is the mind battle that I'm having. I have made it NO secret that I don't like weight loss helpers...surgeries, drugs, drinks, special foods, etc...same goes for fad diets. Those are tools. The real work is mental and learning and following a healthier lifestyle.

HOWEVER...I understand that I am on a dangerously slippery slope and if I don't get the pressure that this weight is putting on my whole body off quickly, things will get a lot worse, and I sure as hell don't want to leave my kids without a mom or put Mike through that or my parents either. Plus I want to live a long life...in a body that works and isn't such a burden.

I am also not naïve to the fact that my track record isn't so good and I really don't think I have time to yo-yo anymore.

If I do the surgery, it will give me the kick start I need to get my health back. I will work on the mental part of it somehow. Who knows, maybe seeing results quickly is what I need to help with the mental...I do love instant gratification.

I don't normally ask this, but...if  you have any input, I would love to hear it. Whether it's through the Facebook post or private message, a comment on the blog post, an email or phone call, it doesn't matter to me. Anything that you feel I should or need to hear...even tough love is ok. However...I may delete those. ;) LOL. Just kidding.

I am not taking this decision or position I'm in lightly. And, I won't do anything impulsive...I am notorious for that. I want to fix this for good and not drag it on anymore.

I love you all and am so grateful for all the support and unconditional love. It means more to me than words can express.

Spoiled and Stubborn

I AM SPOILED.

I have been spoiled my whole life...in every way. I try not to act like the stereotypical "spoiled brat", but that doesn't mean I don't think like one.

I don't like to hear the word "No." In fact, when I do, it instantly triggers an emotion that isn't so pleasant. I get angry and want to rebel immediately. It's mature...I know.

I don't like being told what to do. I don't like rules or restrictions. I don't like hard work. I don't like competitions. I don't like doing something I don't want to do.

I want control. But...I don't like being responsible if something goes wrong or if someone is not happy. I am a natural leader, but I get stressed when too many people rely on me.   

I am extremely sensitive to others' feelings, to the point that I will put aside my own needs/wants/desires to please others. Which is why I am sometimes hesitant to take the leadership role. Even though, ultimately I want that control, I am also aware of my easygoing nature and sensitivity to others' feelings, which I know can hinder my ability to be an effective leader.

Why am I saying all this??

Because...I am a mess!

I want control, but I don't want to be responsible. I don't like being told what to do, but I want someone to tell me what to do. I know I need to force myself to change my spoiled ways, but... I DON'T WANT TO!! (said as I am kicking and screaming)

I HATE the situation that I am in right now.

Because...I am going to have to grow up and get over it.

Which...I'll just say...me writing that, instantly triggered that not so pleasant emotion.

I have been on a roller coaster with my weight for as long as I can remember. I don't think I would know what to do with myself if I ever got to my goal weight. Maybe that is what's keeping me from pushing through it. How do I strive for something that I have no mental picture of? I see old pictures of myself, but that's just what they are "old" pictures. I am not the same person I was back then. I want a mental picture of myself at 38 years old and 200 lbs lighter, not one at 18 years old. I want to know what my body...at 38, 39, 40 years old...will be able to do when I reach my goal. Because let's face it, the last time I was at the weight that I'm aiming for now, was 20 years ago. Who knows what my body can do now?

Is that a defeatist attitude? I hope not. Because I really am an optimistic person. I just need visuals. Accurate visuals. That will help me know what to expect. That will give me something to look at whenever I am at my lowest point wanting to give up because "It's just TOO hard!!" And, I know me...I know I will want to give up EV.ER.Y day.

I am spoiled. I want what I want. And I don't want to be told "no".

But...this spoiled little girl is going to have to learn to hear it and accept it and live with it. 

I feel sorry for my family. Because this will be just as hard on them, if not harder. They have to live with me. And trust me, I am not one to hold back my feelings or thoughts. I will be a nightmare to be around until I can adjust to the new ways. And even then, I'll have moments of rage and bitterness.

You know what's hard to understand? Why is it that food has such an affect on me? What is it that makes it so appealing? And, why couldn't the healthy options be the appealing ones?

I used to smoke a long time ago. And, I remember getting that same "high" whenever I lit one up. It was very calming. But, it also made me feel like crap, it was expensive and I didn't like doing it knowing that Mike didn't like it. He almost didn't want to commit to a relationship with me because of that nasty addiction. I convinced him that I didn't plan on smoking forever and thankfully he believed me. I quit shortly after we officially became a couple. It was a stupid choice I made in high school to "fit in" better with my circle of friends and it also helped during my first Weight Watchers stint to occupy my mouth. It was never something I felt good about doing, but I felt good when I did it. If that makes any sense.

Food is the same way. I know exactly what I'm doing, but I do it anyway. Sometimes it's like I'm challenging myself to misbehave. That actually poses an interesting thought. My whole life I've been a "good girl" maybe this is how I rebel. Isn't that stupid?!? Oh...who knows. I'll come up with any excuse to explain my problem. Bottom line is, food gives me that same "high" that smoking did. I will be in a crap mood, but the second I eat chocolate or a salty French fry or drink an ice cold soda or whatever the craving may be, I will seriously physically feel my mood change and become happier. It is really hard to deny myself of that euphoria. How do I get that feeling elsewhere? I have an addictive personality, so it worries me to even think about it. Thank goodness that I don't drink because I know I could easily overindulge in that. It's much easier to abstain entirely. I don't do well with moderation.

I was talking to Mike the other night...feeling sorry for myself, bitching about how it's not fair...I'm sure you know the conversation I'm talking about. Anyway...my pitch to him of trying to reason my irrational thoughts about my predicament was..."Well...I have to eat. I can't just eliminate food." Because, as I've stated many times, I am an "all or nothing" type of person. So...that means, if I want to lose weight I have to quit ALL food cold turkey. Just like I did with smoking. I quit cold turkey. No more cigarettes. Done. Easy peasy.

After I came to my senses and realized how stupid I was being. I had that "a-ha" moment. You know the one that should have been common sense a long time ago...the one that everybody and their mother has "suggested" I do (I hate being told what to do remember). Here it is...are you ready? I CAN eliminate food cold turkey. Not food entirely, I realize, but certain things. This is where the "all or nothing" state of mind gets kinda screwy. I have a hard time thinking outside of the box in certain situations and I also know I hate restrictions because they cause my mind to go on rebellion overdrive. So...I don't even give myself that option...on anything. If I deny...I overindulge just to spite. But...I didn't do that with smoking or drinking (I used to drink a bit too). I just quit. I told myself that I wasn't doing it anymore and that was it. I need to get myself in that frame of mind again. There are certain things that I can eliminate from my diet that my body does not need and it will have a huge impact on my health. I have to treat it like an allergy almost. I've been blessed to have no food allergies, so I haven't had to abstain from anything unless it's by choice. But, doctor diagnosed allergy or not, some things just don't treat my body or mind kindly. So, a wise person would just say no right?...there's that word again ;).

So, what it all boils down to is...choices...making the right choices. And to stop being a spoiled brat, and listen to what my body has been telling me for a long time. All I can say is I'm tired of being tired, I'm tired of not fitting anywhere, I'm tired of missing out on so many things. And, I'm tired of making excuses that are seen right through and disappointing and worrying so many people.

I have been talking with my old trainer Aimee a lot lately and in an email she sent me she said this,  "You have to decide to be an adult and take responsibility for your health.  This isn’t about shame and blame. It’s stepping out of emotional childhood and into emotional adulthood and creating the life that you want." She always know just what I need to hear.

So...with that being said. I can talk and talk and talk and say I'm going to do all these things, but if I don't put my words into actions, then I won't get anywhere. Plain and simple.