Discovering myself.

Lately I feel like a walking contradiction.

I say this is what I want...this is how things should be. But then I end up doing things that contradict my desires which then won't allow me to see those results.

I feel like a broken record that is stuck on repeat on the lowest speed.

I have always yearned for peace and routine in my life. But everything I do proves otherwise. I am in a constant state of change and I'm making the same efforts over and over without much gained (other than weight ;)).

I have the hardest time being able to focus on something long enough to make a plan. I'll start something and get distracted and not finish it. By the time I get back to whatever I was planning, my whole attitude and way of thinking has changed. Taking me back to square one. Very frustrating.

I am my own worst enemy when it comes to moving forward. I am a very hard person to impress and satisfy. And it's very hard for me to accept things as they are and not feel the need to make changes...constantly.

So, in other words...that ideal peaceful and routine way of life that I yearn for feels unachievable at times.

I have to find a way to allow myself to be satisfied with the work I've done. I don't know if it's lack of self-confidence or just the pressures of outside influences, but I always feel the need to "improve" something that I've worked hard on in order to make it "better". Even if whatever "it" is, is working just fine.

I struggle with this in all areas of my life. Whether it's education, career/life choices, decorating, projects, organization...it doesn't matter. Everything that I pursue will go through multiple "start overs" leaving me with nothing accomplished quite often. When I do finally settle my brain down long enough to execute a plan and be satisfied with it...the feeling of accomplishment is indescribable.

Needless to say I feel like I'm in a constant state of unfinished endeavors.

I over-complicate and over-analyze everything! What should be (in my husband's mind) a simple task...is anything but.

I will have visions of how I want something to be or look or work. I will do ALL the necessary research and purchasing of supplies needed to bring these visions to life. I will even begin the process of pulling it all together. Then...I get stuck. It's almost like my brain has stopped firing on all cylinders and I can no longer make the connections needed to take my vision all the way to completion.

I do this all the time with decorating and organizing my home. It's almost like fear of failure. What if my idea doesn't work or look right. I'm gun shy to get in there and follow through with my plan. I've learned that when it comes to this, it's all the outside influences that really hinder my progress. I'll get distracted by how someone else does it and then I feel like I should do it that way too. I'll end up losing sight of my original thought, so I get discouraged and stop the process. This is where I really have to channel my own style and wants and just run with it. It doesn't have to "make sense". It doesn't have to be "cover page" worthy. All it needs to be is "ME" and comfortable and just right for my style and home and family.   

Now, besides my constant "work in progress" home...there is my constant "work in progress" meal planning.

My biggest headache and challenge BY FAR!!

Here's the deal...I want to be the perfect little "Susie Homemaker". I want to have a beautiful, healthy dinner on the table every night, I want to have a freezer full of prepared food, I want a pantry that is organized and fully stocked with pretty containers with fun labels, I want fancy cookware and colorful utensils and dishes that match and cute little measuring cups that have all my ingredients pre-measured in them set out for me when I cook dinner. I want to be able to cook without a recipe and have it turn out perfect every time and hear the "Ooh's and Ahh's" from my family and "You're the BEST mom." from my kids. I want a fridge that's stocked with prepped and pre-proportioned snacks and washed up fruits and veggies that aren't rotten and anything I need readily available to use when I want it. 

Is THAT TOO MUCH to ask?!?

Honestly...what I really need is to stop watching Pioneer Woman and Rachael Ray and all the other fabulous "Made for TV" personalities that make me feel like "Mom Gone Wrong" all the time!!

Reality Check!! I am NOT "Susie Homemaker" nor will I EVER be!

Can I be satisfied with that??

Answer is...Nope.

I still compare myself to all of those "have it together" women and expect myself to be the same.

Which leaves me to my main issue. Food.

I plan and plan and plan my meals. I look through cookbooks upon cookbooks. I watch cooking show after cooking show. I pin thousands of meals on Pinterest. I print recipes from any website I can think of.

And what does that leave me with?  WAY too many options!! Which then...causes my brain to spin in a whirlwind of information with the overwhelming task of doing something with it all. 

So...I sit down and write down my favorites...with no regard as to if I'll actually ever cook it. And I do this because...well...I am in the mindset that I am...you guessed it "Susie Homemaker". I seem to forget that I hate to cook. But...who cares about that little detail, right?? If Pioneer Woman can do it...then doggonit so can I!

So...long story short...I waste hours and hours researching and printing and pinning and watching numerous options for meals...spend hours and hours creating and compiling these numerous options of awesome recipes onto a neatly typed, with just the right font, Word document that is organized by resource and then printed out to keep in my colorfully and creatively decorated and overly-thought out recipe binder to refer to whenever I'm ready for menu planning and cooking time.

Now...after all this work...getting all organized and being prepared to pull out my inner Dinnertime Goddess on a whim...what do I do??

Go to McDonalds.

Because...well...I remember...that I hate to cook.

Don't get me wrong, I do actually cook from time to time...I try to on a regular basis. What my point with all of this is...I over-complicate planning. I assume that I need thousands of options regardless of difficulty level, but I don't. Honestly, I only use a fraction of what I've researched anyway. There are certain recipes that will stick out in my mind and sound right for my family and cooking abilities. So, all I really need to do is take note of those and keep it simple on myself.

Keep it Simple. Keep it Simple. Keep it Simple. 

So...here's where I'm at now. I am taking a step back and coming back to MY reality of what I will and will not do. I know my limits. I know my patience level. Yet, I still insist on forcing myself to act like those women I am inspired by. Wrong or not, I admire the women that appear to "have it together". Now, whether they do or not, it doesn't matter, I like what I see. To the point that I get somewhat star struck and lose focus on my own lifestyle and capabilities. And, I'm tired of wasting time doing things that are geared more for someone much different than me. Because of this, I end up redoing a lot of my attempts at building a routine for myself and my family because I am failing to plan honestly with my own interests and likes in mind. I know that if I keep that in check, whatever I plan will feel right and I will be more apt to following it.

One thing I enjoy about getting older is that I am more open-minded and aware of my short comings. I try to reflect on my failed attempts and lack of progression and find a solution and the cause of them. That doesn't mean that my next attempt will be successful, but at least I know what not to do.

I have wanted to have a body that I'm proud of and one that I can do anything with for so long. I get sidetracked quite often trying to be someone I'm not and comparing myself to others to the point that I get discouraged.

It is so important to stay true to who I am and make sure that I find the time to figure out who that is. When I do that, I will be more successful in my endeavors and have that feeling of satisfaction that I often times miss.