This week has been very eye opening for me. I've always known that I need visuals in order to better understand what's being taught or told to me. And, that is exactly what I got last week. I got a glimpse into how my body is functioning for me right now. A clear visual. Not just a feeling that I have on my own to rely on.
Every day I wake up and my body decides how it wants to feel each day. Some days it's feeling pretty good, my legs don't feel extra heavy with water retention, so it's easier for me to be productive. Other days, from the hips down my body feels like dead weight, so doing anything wears me out really fast. I function each day based entirely on how I feel...I have no clue what's going on beneath the surface. I am not a doctor, so I cannot diagnose myself if something doesn't feel quite right. I have addressed the water retention problem repeatedly and have only been given medicine (which does not seem to do a whole lot). There has been no in depth search as to why I suffer from this. My guess is my diet, so I live with the reality of dealing with this until I adjust my diet. I do try to understand what the triggers are based on how I feel after I eat certain things, but that doesn't always mean I change it. Unfortunately, that's all I have to go by because I can't see the underlying problems.
To make matters worse, I quite frequently live in a state of denial (ignorance is bliss) so I assume everything is fine. I understand the restrictions that my weight puts on me, so when I experience any feelings that I think are weight related, I dismiss it as so. I don't quite understand how the body works, so I don't realize what else might be going on. Plus, to add on to that, I am a self-doubter. I will feel symptoms or something not quite right, and I'll question it. I'll ask myself, "Is this all in my head?" or "Am I just being a wuss or hypochondriac?" So a lot of times, I will dismiss something that would ordinarily be seen as a red flag to someone else. And that's because, either the pain or feeling goes away, or I convince myself that it's nothing. Since I know my weight causes all of my aches and pains and issues, I just deal with it. It's my fault that I did this to myself, so I will grin and bear it.
When I'm feeling crappy or feeling the "weight related" issues, I really don't like to bring them up. I try not to for two reasons: 1. It's embarrassing and I assume everyone is thinking, "Well duh. I wonder why." 2. I don't want to hear "I told you so". To be honest, I don't feel like I deserve the compassion anyway because I am the one responsible for my choices. Plus, those that don't have weight problems, don't understand what's going on mentally and how the inner voice in my head can overpower all rational thinking...quite often. One can't truly understand another until they've been in their shoes.
So, it takes a lot to convince myself that, "Yes, something is wrong and I need to address it."
Going back to my eye opening experience. Over the past year and then some, I have been consistently gaining weight. The number on the scale has reached an alarming all-time high. I have noticed a lot of changes physically...becoming weaker and more run down being the top runners. I have experienced flutters in my chest and sometimes blurred vision, which...I dismiss to the reason of my blood sugar being high because of something I just ate. Over the past month or so, a couple of other weird feelings have come forward. Every so often, I get lightheaded or dizzy, and I'll dismiss that to the reasons of getting older or moving my head too fast. Those things definitely got my attention but not enough to put me on high alert. The past couple of weeks I have experienced something different that really started to get me to pay closer attention. The kicker, the one thing that really got me to speak up, was the fact that I was getting extremely winded with little effort. Now, I know, I am a very large woman and it takes a lot of work to move my body around. But this was different, this was me getting unusually exhausted. I would be huffing and puffing walking from one room to another or even just going to the bathroom. This was much more extreme than usual and had me wondering if there was something more going on with my body on the inside that I couldn't see.
I told Mike about my concerns and he said to call my doctor. So, I did. After several people hearing about what my symptoms are, it was my doctor that eventually entered the loop of the 'is this serious or not' discussion and directed me to the ER. Only because she knew I would have to take a lot of tests to determine what was wrong and their office didn't have the right equipment. So, off to the ER we went. I had a wide range of tests done...lots of blood work, 2 EKG's, a chest x-ray and a CT scan. I was hooked to a heart monitor most of the time also. It was the CT scan that gave the most clear result. It was found out that I have small blood clots in my lower left lung...which are not obstructing blood flow thankfully, but still needs to be resolved. As far as my heart is concerned, it's doing fine. Although the flutters are being looked into because my heart rate elevated whenever I felt them. So, I will be wearing a heart monitor for a 24 hour period to get a better view of how my heart functions during a normal day. As far as the clots are concerned, there will be more testing to determine the source and what kind of treatment is necessary to avoid future clots. I have slipped and fell to the ground a few times which resulted in large contusions to my lower legs each time...really nasty looking bruises that cover a huge area. So, that could be a source. I also retain water something awful in my legs, so my circulation may not be so good. Ultrasounds are being done there to see what's going on in my legs.
SO...this shit just got real. I have officially seen what's going on beneath the surface. And, it has brought a whole new light to the situation. Which has me thinking about the future...obviously. Not that I didn't before, but it feels more urgent now.
Now I am posed with a dilemma and a tough choice. Which is one that I have addressed before and contemplated many times. Weight Loss Surgery. Is this something that I should seriously consider now? I hate the thought of it for a multitude of reasons. Let me give you a glimpse into my negative thought process about weight loss surgery...
1. What will the surgery do to me emotionally? To be cut off so abruptly from a lifetime of overindulging...how will I cope, behave, react? Will it make matters worse by screwing up my mind? Will I turn into someone a lot less happy and fun to be around? Yes, I'll be getting thinner and physically healthier, but will it damage my emotional health in the process?
2. Will it bring on other complications that I wouldn't normally suffer from? Nausea, acid reflux, cramps...things like that, that make you feel crappy all the time.
3. Surgery scares me. All kinds of fears come with this. Will the anesthesia last and be strong enough? Will the doctor have an "oops" and cut something wrong? Will the staples fall out inside my body and my insides get all messed up?
4. How will I be in 5 years, 10 years? Will I adjust and be ok with the new lifestyle? It's not reversible. So, I have to live the rest of my life with whatever happens.
Here are my positive thoughts...
1. Getting my life back sooner than later with a little assistance.
2. Putting attention on food control with physical repercussions and it helping me to make food less of a desire.
3. How exciting it will be to see the weight coming off quickly.
4. Not having to count points or calories...it may be extreme but it just feels like it would make things simpler.
Oh...how I yearn to have a normal sized body and to not have to deal with all my health issues anymore.
So...here is the mind battle that I'm having. I have made it NO secret that I don't like weight loss helpers...surgeries, drugs, drinks, special foods, etc...same goes for fad diets. Those are tools. The real work is mental and learning and following a healthier lifestyle.
HOWEVER...I understand that I am on a dangerously slippery slope and if I don't get the pressure that this weight is putting on my whole body off quickly, things will get a lot worse, and I sure as hell don't want to leave my kids without a mom or put Mike through that or my parents either. Plus I want to live a long life...in a body that works and isn't such a burden.
I am also not naïve to the fact that my track record isn't so good and I really don't think I have time to yo-yo anymore.
If I do the surgery, it will give me the kick start I need to get my health back. I will work on the mental part of it somehow. Who knows, maybe seeing results quickly is what I need to help with the mental...I do love instant gratification.
I don't normally ask this, but...if you have any input, I would love to hear it. Whether it's through the Facebook post or private message, a comment on the blog post, an email or phone call, it doesn't matter to me. Anything that you feel I should or need to hear...even tough love is ok. However...I may delete those. ;) LOL. Just kidding.
I am not taking this decision or position I'm in lightly. And, I won't do anything impulsive...I am notorious for that. I want to fix this for good and not drag it on anymore.
I love you all and am so grateful for all the support and unconditional love. It means more to me than words can express.
3 comments:
I'm pretty sure you know how I feel about surgery. We have had this discussion before. I think this forces you into eating differently, however, just because you force yourself to eat differently doesn't mean your attitude (or your mind) will be forced to think differently. You are still going to have the same thoughts, desires, and appetites than before surgery. Think of it as on a spiritual note. We are taught that when we leave this life we will still have the same attitudes, appetites and desires. Just because we die doesn't mean we will suddenly believe everything that has been taught to us. The change needs to happen mentally first. Nathan once told me that I can join a fitness club to exercise but until I have already established and an exercise routine it wouldn't do me any good I would just be throwing my money away that I am investing into the fitness club. And honestly I agree. You have to make the decision first to eat right, exercise before surgery is going to be of any benefit. I have seen people get weight loss surgery and had success with it but others who only suffered because mentally they could not get past the "addiction" of eating the things they love so much. Your body with weight loss surgery will reject hamburgers, pizza and pretty much anything greasy. You will hurt and cramp and feel lousy and therefore be miserable. The change needs to be mental and controlled from within the brain before surgery will be completely successful. Meaning you lose the weight, you feel healthy and you are happy...truly happy with who you are, how you are living and the results you see. But until you can change that mindset on your own surgery will only make you miserable. (but I think deep inside you already know that). Now don't get me wrong. I may not struggle the way you do with your weight. But mentally and emotionally I do struggle in similar ways. So I am preaching to the choir. I need to take my own advice. I think you'd be surprised how much you will lose and how quickly you would lose it if you just changed how you eat, how much you eat and make sure you do 30 minutes of ANY exercise a day. Even if that is walking. But clear up those clots first before doing any exercise. Focus on the eating first. My thought give it a year (I know that seems long) to train your mind how to eat and then after a year (when you are down 200 lbs) you can decide at that point if you want to get surgery and if the permanent fix is really what you need or if by then you see you can do it on your own without surgical help. But after a year you may feel emotionally that you want that permanent fix as to help you stay on track the rest of your life. HUGS! Not an easy decision. And I support you know matter what you decide. But as your friend I am just telling my opinion. If it hurts I am sorry. I say it because I genuinely love you and want you to be truly happy with you.
This is a struggle that many many of us face including me. I will be straight up honest and tell you that I have begun the process to get weight loss surgery. I went to the seminar held by the Bariatric surgeon. That was step one. And it opened my eyes to a LOT of things.
First is the battle between feeling full and actually being full. Here's a peek into what your body is doing. The sensors that send the message to your brain that you're full are close to the top of your stomach. So when your stomach is stretched and much larger than normal, it takes A LOT of food to fill it up. So that's one reason FOR ME, that restrictive diets don't work. Your brain will ALWAYS win when it comes to feeling hungry. We can all last for a certain amount of time on a very strict eating plan and we lose weight, but there comes a point when the brain says "I'M EFFING TIRED OF FEELING HUNGRY!! FEED ME" And we say screw it and stuff our faces.
Second, once a person gets to a certain weight/BMI, it's nearly impossible to achieve and maintain significant, lasting weight loss without surgical help. Primarily because of the first problem.
Hearing just those two explanations opened my eyes and helped me to understand why I've never been able to sustain the weightloss I've accomplished in the past.
Does surgery "fix you"? No. But I look at it like a physical reset. Much like I'd love to get a boob job to lift up the saggy girls, or a tummy tuck to fix my C-section scar and RESTORE my body to what it used to be, surgery is a physical reset to the size of your stomach.
The process of preparing is rigorous, filled with meetings with nutritionists and if necessary a mental health professional.
There is more than one procedure! You don't have to have a gastric sleeve. I don't like the idea of 3/4 of my stomach being chopped off and stapled shut. I'd have the same concerns. I am preparing and focusing on the Gastric Band. My sister had the band procedure done many years ago and went from a size 22 to an 8-10. She's had a malfunction with the band, where when they were doing an adjustment, the tubing was punctured. She was without insurance for a while and wasn't able to correct the issue right away and YES, She did gain quite a bit of weight back, but once the band was revised and corrected, her weight melted off again.
Her surgeon, one of the leading researchers in this field, really doesn't like or recommend the sleeve, because he's seen so many rebound failures and people who've had the sleeve procedures are coming back to him to have the band put on.
All that being said, it's still hard work. You still have to adjust your eating habits. Eat slower, and with the band be vigilant as far as monitoring yourself and how the band is working for you. It takes more maintenance and effort to get it set up and adjusted, but if you're good about follow up appointments etc, I think it can be just as if not more successful than the sleeve.
I'm excited as I move forward in this journey, because I want for my ankles and knees to not hurt, I want to be able to move more easily, I want to be able to reach around my back, I want to feel comfortable in an airplane seat, more than I worry about the what ifs of surgery.
That's my story and what I've learned. I hope a positive perspective on weight loss surgery is helpful. But most of all I hope you know how much I love you and what an amazing lady you are!
I'm not an expert, don't know much about the different surgeries that you could have to help you. Though I do agree with what Ruth Whittacre had to say. I can, advise wise, only say what I've experienced weight-loss wise. I like you figured I couldn't combat everything at once. I decided to focus on diet first. Started figuring where my weight should be and how many calories that would be. I knew I should eat whole foods as they fill you up better than processed. So, I made a list of whole foods I liked (or at least felt I could handle). Nuts, fresh fruits, chicken, etc. Everything I could premeasure and put in Ziplock bags I did (like the nuts, dried fruit). I didn't completely cut myself off from things I shouldn't have, like candy, but I would measure and count the calories and bag them. Even chips, of course, I tried to figure which chips were the "healthiest" and would count them out according to serving size and bag them. This way, the bagged items, I didn't have to worry about eating more than I was supposed to. I found though, I didn't have to keep counting calories all the time after a few weeks simply because I now knew what and how much I could eat and not go over "my" daily allotted amount. And drink lots of water (warning, you will feel like you are drowning)
Any way, I did lose weight with cutting down on how much I ate, what I ate, and no exercising. If we went to McDonald's, I would just ask to have a bite and they could have the rest (and only one bite of one sandwich) and I was good with that. I'm not giving advice, cause I can't. It's just what I did.
When I finally hit a plateau I started adding exercising and that was only walking. But I had the eating under control enough that it wasn't an issue. When I hit another plateau I added more exercises or took calories down some more (that just depends on how much calories you decide to shoot for first, I went down to the least, I wouldn't suggest that, lol).
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