I am finally coming out of one of the worst years mentally in my life. Depression and anxiety are no joke. I have had my fair share of down days or blah days, but when it turns from days into weeks into months, that is scary. And, when you go from a somewhat fearless, independent person to one that's fearful and dependent, it raises some red flags.
I was so unlike myself for a really long time. I wasn't smiling much, laughing much, didn't want to talk, I felt so disconnected. I was borderline agorophobic due to my anxiety. I was afraid to drive, especially if it was somewhere unfamiliar. My thoughts were obsessing on my fears making them worse. I wanted Mike glued to my hip bc he was my comfort and I was terrified something bad would happen to him. I was overly worried when anyone I loved went out somewhere especially if they were traveling. I was waking up with horrible images and fears to the point that sometimes it made me physically shake. I told Mike about that and ever since then he has woke up a little earlier every morning just to snuggle up behind me, hold me close and gently rub my back and arms to help my mind settle down. It has seriously helped me not start the day on high alert or extremely down.
Some days were incredibly low which put my mind and thoughts in a very dark place. I was thinking of my future and it seemed very bleak. Nothing I did or knew how to do seemed appealing anymore. I didn't want to craft or sew. My body isn't in shape to stand on my feet or walk for any length of time. My memory is crap so learning anything new seemed out of reach. Plus my added anxiety had me afraid to even get out into the world. If that wasn't enough, my kids are grown so my role as a mom, all I've done or known for 20+ years has changed. They don't need me anymore. That's what I was telling myself. I felt completely worthless. I honestly thought, on many occasions, what do I have to live for? In my eyes, I was just existing. Day by day, I'd wake up, tired, no motivation or desire to do anything productive, I'd overthink about whatever I was obsessing on for the day and then look forward to going back to bed at the end of the day. This was my life for quite awhile. Sure, I'd put on a happy face when I needed to, but inside I was a mess.
I knew something wasn't right, but I couldn't figure out what was going on. All I knew was that I didn't feel like myself or act like myself at all. I was very reclusive, antisocial and NOTHING brought me joy. And, let me tell you, when your mind isn't right, negative and irrational thoughts begin to enter and poison everything. That's exactly what was happening. I was stuck in a self loathing loop. My confidence was completely shattered. I didn't understand how anyone would want to be around me anymore. I was afraid that this was my new normal. I was miserable.
I knew I needed to reach out and address this. Luckily, that's not hard for me since I'm a naturally open person. So, I began sharing my concerns and thoughts with my family and my doctor. And, I started seeing a therapist.
My first thought was perimenopause because I'm that age and my cycles have been very irregular. I reached out to a hormone specialist and she got bloodwork to check out my levels which showed that they were off a little. So she put me on progesterone, testosterone and dhea. I can't take estrogen bc I'm on blood thinners. My biggest complaint was fatigue and motivation at that point. I took those for several months and didn't notice anything improving. The only thing I noticed was that I had NO interest in food at all. Which was very liberating on one hand bc that's what I've wished for my whole life. But on the other hand it was very strange. It was like my whole identity or love of life had been stripped away. My vice that provided comfort and joy was gone. Food was my everything. On the plus side though, I dropped quite a bit of weight in a short amount of time, so that was rewarding. But, during that time I also noticed my anxiety was getting worse. A lot worse.
I tried to think of what else was going on that could cause this. I had recently started a job that was ideal for me. It was for a company owned and ran by friends, it was part time from home making a very decent wage. The downside for me was it caused me a lot of stress. To the point that I felt on edge all the time. I had to answer calls coming in about people having problems with their equipment, I'd try to troubleshoot as best as possible, and then schedule a service call if needed. Sounds relatively easy right? Well...for my perfectionist, impatient and people pleasing brain it was very challenging. Problem was, my memory sucks, so learning the product wasn't happening as quickly as I wanted, which made troubleshooting unproductive most of the time. And, people got aggravated with having to wait for a service call. So, in my mind I was letting people down all the time and after awhile that affects your mood. I'm not the best business person bc I want to make everyone happy and a lot of times you just can't. Anyway, this was a seasonal job and the end of the season was approaching. So, I had to decide if the stress I was creating for myself was contributing to the progressing anxiety. I decided to focus on my mental health so I had to decline the offer to return the next year.
While all of this was happening, I was waiting to talk to my doctor about changing up my depression/anxiety meds. I had just started the hormone medications and my job at about the same time. So I wanted to give those meds a chance to work and not change up anything else in the process. Once I decided to stop taking the hormone meds and I stopped working, I waited a little bit to see if that helped. It didn't help. By this point, I had been dealing with the decline of my mental health for over six months. It was time to address the depression/anxiety meds next.
Thankfully, I have an incredible primary care doctor who has been with me through everything I've dealt with over the last 10 years or so. So he knows me very well. Besides the stressful job and perimenopause, there have also been other added stressors in my life over the last couple of years that could have contributed to my decline. My kids growing up is one...Colby going to Africa for 2 years and my youngest graduating high school. It's hard to imagine my world without them in it daily. It's really sad. We also had a family member living with us for a year and a half due to health problems. Because of this, I was unable to go to my craft area if I needed an outlet. That was a difficult time for many reasons. Anyway... So, I compiled all my triggers and went to see Doc and laid it all out for him. I explained what I have tried to do already to help myself, but nothing has worked. He listened. We talked. And, he took me off a med I had been on for years and started me on a new one. Gradually. I didn't even notice a change coming off my old one, which indicates it wasn't working so well. Over the next few months, he monitored me and I checked in monthly. He increased the dose a few times and I finally started feeling improvements. What a relief! During one of our discussions, I had said something that got him concerned about ADHD. He said that symptoms for that and anxiety overlap, so he had me take a test. Whelp...I have ADHD. I am honestly not surprised. I've wondered about that for a really long time. Now I'm on a new med for that as well, which has also been bumped up a few times. I THINK...I am FINALLY to a point that I am about as normal as I can be. I'm still going through perimenopause and I'm still trying to find my new purpose now that the kids are grown. But...being on the right meds keeps me out of the dark space.
Progression... Some of my anxieties are still there, just much less severe. I'm able to drive more places without so much worry. I have been pushing myself to do so. Getting out of the house is easier. My antisocial tendencies are still there, but I think that comes with age. Plus, my life is pretty boring so I don't really have much to say. My mood is much better and I feel happier. One big thing that I forced myself to do was going back to school. I initially did it just to get out of the house and challenge myself, but it was so much more. It helped me gain some confidence back and helped me envision a future for myself. That was probably the most damaging to my whole spiral was feeling worthless and hopeless. I still have some work to do, but I'm finally on a good path. It's something that I will have to keep an eye on and make adjustments when necessary though. I am so thankful for my amazing husband for being my rock, shoulder and never giving up on me. I have an incredible support system all around that has been there for me through this. I am so blessed.
