Spoiled and Stubborn

I AM SPOILED.

I have been spoiled my whole life...in every way. I try not to act like the stereotypical "spoiled brat", but that doesn't mean I don't think like one.

I don't like to hear the word "No." In fact, when I do, it instantly triggers an emotion that isn't so pleasant. I get angry and want to rebel immediately. It's mature...I know.

I don't like being told what to do. I don't like rules or restrictions. I don't like hard work. I don't like competitions. I don't like doing something I don't want to do.

I want control. But...I don't like being responsible if something goes wrong or if someone is not happy. I am a natural leader, but I get stressed when too many people rely on me.   

I am extremely sensitive to others' feelings, to the point that I will put aside my own needs/wants/desires to please others. Which is why I am sometimes hesitant to take the leadership role. Even though, ultimately I want that control, I am also aware of my easygoing nature and sensitivity to others' feelings, which I know can hinder my ability to be an effective leader.

Why am I saying all this??

Because...I am a mess!

I want control, but I don't want to be responsible. I don't like being told what to do, but I want someone to tell me what to do. I know I need to force myself to change my spoiled ways, but... I DON'T WANT TO!! (said as I am kicking and screaming)

I HATE the situation that I am in right now.

Because...I am going to have to grow up and get over it.

Which...I'll just say...me writing that, instantly triggered that not so pleasant emotion.

I have been on a roller coaster with my weight for as long as I can remember. I don't think I would know what to do with myself if I ever got to my goal weight. Maybe that is what's keeping me from pushing through it. How do I strive for something that I have no mental picture of? I see old pictures of myself, but that's just what they are "old" pictures. I am not the same person I was back then. I want a mental picture of myself at 38 years old and 200 lbs lighter, not one at 18 years old. I want to know what my body...at 38, 39, 40 years old...will be able to do when I reach my goal. Because let's face it, the last time I was at the weight that I'm aiming for now, was 20 years ago. Who knows what my body can do now?

Is that a defeatist attitude? I hope not. Because I really am an optimistic person. I just need visuals. Accurate visuals. That will help me know what to expect. That will give me something to look at whenever I am at my lowest point wanting to give up because "It's just TOO hard!!" And, I know me...I know I will want to give up EV.ER.Y day.

I am spoiled. I want what I want. And I don't want to be told "no".

But...this spoiled little girl is going to have to learn to hear it and accept it and live with it. 

I feel sorry for my family. Because this will be just as hard on them, if not harder. They have to live with me. And trust me, I am not one to hold back my feelings or thoughts. I will be a nightmare to be around until I can adjust to the new ways. And even then, I'll have moments of rage and bitterness.

You know what's hard to understand? Why is it that food has such an affect on me? What is it that makes it so appealing? And, why couldn't the healthy options be the appealing ones?

I used to smoke a long time ago. And, I remember getting that same "high" whenever I lit one up. It was very calming. But, it also made me feel like crap, it was expensive and I didn't like doing it knowing that Mike didn't like it. He almost didn't want to commit to a relationship with me because of that nasty addiction. I convinced him that I didn't plan on smoking forever and thankfully he believed me. I quit shortly after we officially became a couple. It was a stupid choice I made in high school to "fit in" better with my circle of friends and it also helped during my first Weight Watchers stint to occupy my mouth. It was never something I felt good about doing, but I felt good when I did it. If that makes any sense.

Food is the same way. I know exactly what I'm doing, but I do it anyway. Sometimes it's like I'm challenging myself to misbehave. That actually poses an interesting thought. My whole life I've been a "good girl" maybe this is how I rebel. Isn't that stupid?!? Oh...who knows. I'll come up with any excuse to explain my problem. Bottom line is, food gives me that same "high" that smoking did. I will be in a crap mood, but the second I eat chocolate or a salty French fry or drink an ice cold soda or whatever the craving may be, I will seriously physically feel my mood change and become happier. It is really hard to deny myself of that euphoria. How do I get that feeling elsewhere? I have an addictive personality, so it worries me to even think about it. Thank goodness that I don't drink because I know I could easily overindulge in that. It's much easier to abstain entirely. I don't do well with moderation.

I was talking to Mike the other night...feeling sorry for myself, bitching about how it's not fair...I'm sure you know the conversation I'm talking about. Anyway...my pitch to him of trying to reason my irrational thoughts about my predicament was..."Well...I have to eat. I can't just eliminate food." Because, as I've stated many times, I am an "all or nothing" type of person. So...that means, if I want to lose weight I have to quit ALL food cold turkey. Just like I did with smoking. I quit cold turkey. No more cigarettes. Done. Easy peasy.

After I came to my senses and realized how stupid I was being. I had that "a-ha" moment. You know the one that should have been common sense a long time ago...the one that everybody and their mother has "suggested" I do (I hate being told what to do remember). Here it is...are you ready? I CAN eliminate food cold turkey. Not food entirely, I realize, but certain things. This is where the "all or nothing" state of mind gets kinda screwy. I have a hard time thinking outside of the box in certain situations and I also know I hate restrictions because they cause my mind to go on rebellion overdrive. So...I don't even give myself that option...on anything. If I deny...I overindulge just to spite. But...I didn't do that with smoking or drinking (I used to drink a bit too). I just quit. I told myself that I wasn't doing it anymore and that was it. I need to get myself in that frame of mind again. There are certain things that I can eliminate from my diet that my body does not need and it will have a huge impact on my health. I have to treat it like an allergy almost. I've been blessed to have no food allergies, so I haven't had to abstain from anything unless it's by choice. But, doctor diagnosed allergy or not, some things just don't treat my body or mind kindly. So, a wise person would just say no right?...there's that word again ;).

So, what it all boils down to is...choices...making the right choices. And to stop being a spoiled brat, and listen to what my body has been telling me for a long time. All I can say is I'm tired of being tired, I'm tired of not fitting anywhere, I'm tired of missing out on so many things. And, I'm tired of making excuses that are seen right through and disappointing and worrying so many people.

I have been talking with my old trainer Aimee a lot lately and in an email she sent me she said this,  "You have to decide to be an adult and take responsibility for your health.  This isn’t about shame and blame. It’s stepping out of emotional childhood and into emotional adulthood and creating the life that you want." She always know just what I need to hear.

So...with that being said. I can talk and talk and talk and say I'm going to do all these things, but if I don't put my words into actions, then I won't get anywhere. Plain and simple.