Finding balance

Time for a self check...again.

Every year I feel like I've aged 5 years physically and regressed 5 years mentally. I'm running around in circles and expecting different results. In other words...I'm going insane.

For 20+ years I have been fighting the same battle and I have yet to win. I'll be on the winning side for awhile, but then some bomb will hit and cripple me for a long time. I then lick my wounds and feel sorry for myself for a little while. And eventually, I'll heal enough to try again. I'll get back on the front line, using the same methods as before and then expect a different result.

That's the definition of insanity.  

Here's where I'm at right now. I know I need to lose weight...A LOT of weight. I know I have life threating problems...Diabetes, Sleep Apnea and the newly discovered blood clots in my lung (which may have been resolved by now) to name a few. I mean, just the pressure that my excessive weight puts on my body and heart and all my vital organs alone is life threatening. I know this. I think about this EVERY day ALL the time. I think about how this affects my family ALL the time. But...I keep making the same mistakes and poor decisions. I keep putting crap food in my body and a lot of it. I keep sitting on my butt and not doing anything to keep my body active and flexible. I'm not even 40 years old and I rely on the help of others to do the simplest things. It's pathetic and humiliating and ALL my fault.
How do I resolve this? What am I not getting or understanding?
So, obviously that got me thinking. I over think and analyze, remember. Honestly, I need to "DO" more and "THINK" less. That's probably the real problem here. ;)
Anyway...it got me thinking...How well do I really know myself?
And, here's why I ask that question. I am a people pleaser. I am someone that is easily influenced and persuaded. So that makes me wonder...do I do the things I do because of outside influences? Quite possibly.
We all read articles and books written by different professionals informing us about some new method on how to lose weight or how to do this or how to do that. Our eyes brighten up because "This is it! This is what I need to do to fix my problem!" And, a lot of times, I'll jump into it without even thinking it through.
Same goes for talking to different people in our lives. We're fed a wealth of information and opinions on how to live our lives and what we should do to help whatever it is we need help with. It's nice to have those resources to get other perspectives because I know I don't know everything, so I enjoy hearing other options.
But...I need to take that information and not just automatically follow it because someone told me to. I am a people pleaser, so I like to do as I'm told, so to speak. Well, what works for one, may not work for another. So, I have to be aware of my own lifestyle. I have to do self checks quite often, so I don't get caught up in another gimmick that really wasn't best for me.
This is where Weight Watchers comes into play for me. Or any structured diet plan for that matter. I have a pattern with these. I do well for several weeks then I get frustrated by the monotonous and tedious counting and journaling. I HATE both of those. I already have a relationship with food that is unhealthy. It consumes my mind 24/7. I'll think about what I am going to eat for lunch while I'm eating breakfast. I get giddy if I know I'm going to eat at my favorite restaurant for dinner. My mood can go from blah to super happy with just the thought of eating my favorite foods or reverse if I can't have the foods that I want. It's a mentally exhausting process everyday. So...to add on the stress of counting and journaling, it's just too much for my mind to handle. It brings the guilt level to an all time high and eventually leads me into a depression and resentment that is unhealthy.
When I have to journal and count, it forces me to acknowledge and highlight all of the "off limits" foods that I consume and the portions of them. I feel like the naughty and troubled child all the time because I'm misbehaving. This is where the curse of my "all or nothing" personality rears its ugly head and the constant voices that come at me saying, "you can't have this and you can't have that" will overwhelm my rational thinking and decision making skills. It gets to the point that I say 'screw it!' because it is making me so unhappy and disgusted with myself that I completely fall off the wagon and curl into a ball and cry.
So, why would I repeatedly go back to these methods and expect a different result? Because I'm told it's what I should do.
Well...obviously it isn't.
I want to lose weight and get healthy without feeling like I am under someone's thumb and being looked at through a magnifying glass all the time.
And the only way I know how to do this, is by putting trust in myself that I can eat "normally". And, by this I mean, to not find every chocolate chip cookie, French fry, Diet Dr. Pepper or pizza and stuff it in my mouth in obscene quantities. But...to also not force myself to be denied of the foods that I enjoy and only allow myself to eat the "right" foods all the time. There is a balance. As with anything in life.
Now I understand that with those regimented diet plans, most of them will allow me to eat whatever as long as I count it, but even still, I feel "watched over" and judged.
I have always been one that likes to work alone and make my own rules and decisions. In school I always hated group projects. I'm a control freak that way.
And, you know, saying all of this may sound very immature and just another excuse. But if the ultimate goal in life is to be happy and to have joy, then I need to reevaluate what I'm doing so I can achieve that. I am the only one that can make a plan that's best suited for me. A plan that has balance and a plan that will not cause me to implode and shatter all of the progress that I've made and worked so hard to accomplish.
I know I need to make changes in order to get to where I need to be. But, it doesn't have to be so frustrating and make me hate the process so much. So I ask myself this... Which path do I want on this journey of mine? The longer but more enjoyable ride or the ride that is dreaded from the start and is miserable the entire way?
I choose the longer and more enjoyable ride. Because, let's face it, I will be more likely to stay on the journey till the end if it's one that I like.