No more guilt. Just relax and do my best.

Failure.
In some ways...yes, I have failed. But, in other ways...I've succeeded.
I have come to terms that I will always have weight problems. I will always want to eat everything I see...especially if it's unhealthy. I will never enjoy exercise.
But...I will always be learning and trying to do what I need to, in order to get healthy. Not thin...healthy.
I hate counting points. I hate counting calories. To the point that it pisses me off and then I binge because I am so annoyed with it!! So...what do I do??? Do I give in to that immaturity or do I empathize and find a different way? I know that counting is the best way to assure that I lose weight. But...is it worth my sanity? Ultimately, I am looking to achieve good health...and not just in the physical sense.
When I am following a counting plan...food consumes my every thought more than it did before. I view food as the enemy because it causes me such headache. As much as I try and say I'm going to sit down and plan out my meals...I rarely do. My moods change frequently, unexpected activities or a crisis will come up...which throws off any plan that I had. At least, in my mind it does. If a wrench gets thrown into my day...I will, a lot of times, scratch what I was going to do whether I needed to or not. And...I'll tell you why. I don't like eating at home. I like someone else to cook...I like someone else to clean up...I like for everyone to be able to order what they want so I don't have to hear complaints about what I fixed. Therefore...a wrench is usually welcome...so I can eat out. But...then the guilt sets in.
Guilt. It's one of the emotions that I feel almost constantly. Guilt from the choices that I make. Guilt because of the way that I feed my family. Guilt from disappointing my loved ones due to me thinking so selfishly by handling things the way that I do. All in all, I am in a continual mind war with myself and it's beginning to cause anxiety. I need to chill out! This is definitely not helping me to achieve good health mentally which then affects me physically.
I know I have A LOT of weight to lose. That, in of itself, causes me to have anxiety. I get pissed off because I did this to myself. I get pissed off because my family is following suit...by my example. I know that I need to figure out something fast or I am just going to get heavier and more depressed. So...do I want to continue with WW or counting calories to achieve my goals? Honestly...no. I want to live and not have to overthink every meal. I want the freedoms without that nagging voice saying, "Did you count that? Should you be eating that?" I want to set my own rules.
It's a give and take relationship really. Just like in a marriage or at a job. In marriage, there is compromise and a respect for your spouse. Same with food. Allow myself to eat that dessert but only after I have eaten all my fruits and veggies for the day. That will help it feel less restrictive...which will help control my rebellious tenancies. At a job...I have to put in the effort in order to get paid, right? Well... same with eating correctly and exercising. I'm not going to see or feel any results if I don't do the work necessary. It's a give and take. Don't get me wrong, there do need to be some rules...I understand that. It just doesn't have to be so strict or by the book. Enjoy life without so much stress and pressure.
So...with a few "shaking of heads" I am going to do this... on...my...own. That is what I am comfortable with. I do enjoy the "rah rah" sessions to a certain degree. But, WW tends to award everything no matter what. It's like receiving a trophy for showing up. It puts less meaning to the significant victories. And, maybe that's an insensitive way to view it, but I'm being honest. I don't want a sticker for showing up. I paid to be there...I better show up. Plus, I get tired of the ignorant people that try to cheat the system and then don't lose weight and wonder why. "It's Weight Watchers! I'm supposed to lose weight!" Really??? Not if you eat a whole apple pie and call it a fruit. So, I'll stick with people I know and love to give me that "rah rah" I need. Frequently.
Earlier this year, I was asked to participate at a Relief Society enrichment night and share my "getting healthy" expertise. Being asked to do this was flattering and unexpected. And, I thought I was completely unqualified to say the least. Plus the fact, here is a 300 lb woman instructing others on how to get healthy. For those that haven't known me or followed my journey were probably thinking, "Are you serious???" But...I did my best. The other day I was cleaning out my desk and I just happened to come across my notes/handout for that night. And, it helped me refocus. I have to say that I enjoyed my own words and the tips that I had. So...I am going to share my "Top Ten Tips List"...
1. Be patient. Don't try to change everything all at once. That will result in frustration and most likely giving up.
2. Prioritize. Prioritize the things that you want to change and then pick the one that will have the most impact first.
3. Add in good habits. Add in the good before trying to get rid of the bad. The bad will be easier to let go of once you feel the effects from adding in the good.
4. Start moving. Anything is better than nothing. Find something you enjoy, so you'll stick with it.
5. Set Goals. Set realistic goals. Goals that are attainable with your lifestyle.
6. Be compassionate. You will screw up. You will have bad days. And, that's ok. Forgive and try again.
7. Ask for help. It's ok to not have all the answers. It's ok to need someone to hold your hand every so often.
8. Be positive. Most of us function better with positive reinforcement. Praise yourself in the same manner you would praise your child or a loved one.
9. Allow yourself breathing room. Nobody wants to be put under a microscope. Have some fun, indulge every now and then. It will help you to not get those bitter feelings or feelings of resentment.
10. Involve others. It will help tremendously in a variety of ways. It will keep you accountable. It will help with motivation, encouragement and desire to stick with it. It will help with advice and tips. Be up front and honest. We can't be strong all the time.
There it is. I am going to follow my own tips and take my own advice. I am going to work on my marriage with food and get the job done.