Depression

This week I had an "ah-ha" moment. I have used my many years of college and medical school to self-diagnose myself. HaHaHa! Just kidding. I wouldn't last through all that school! No, I just depend on the "know it all" degree that I earned once I became a teenager. :) So...between that degree and my keen observation skills I was able to pinpoint what my problem has been lately. Depression.
Yep. There it is. The word...the illness...the mental disorder that I thought I would NEVER experience.
I mean, why would I? As I have said in many of my past posts...I have a VERY blessed life. So...how could I suffer from Depression? I just don't understand.
Even though, it seems extreme to me, I am not so naïve to think that I am immune to it either. For a LONG time now, I've known that something wasn't quite right. So, I paid more attention to my symptoms. And, over the past few weeks, I have noticed certain things occurring more often. Most noticeably is the inability to control the tears. It has gotten to the point that, I have a hard time carrying on a conversation sometimes without struggling to keep my composure. It doesn't take much to start the water works either. But then, after a few minutes of losing it, I'll regain control and then I am just fine.
Another red flag for me is my sudden desire to withdraw and my lack of desire to do anything. I just kinda want to chill at my house and do my own thing most days. I feel that I am pulled in so many directions all the time, that right now it's really nice to just chill. Problem with this one is...I don't want to cook. At all. And, I don't want to go to the grocery store because it is exhausting and requires me to make too many decisions. Because of this, we are eating out WAY too much! Which is NOT good on the wallet or waistline for any of us. This happens mostly when Mike is travelling.
Speaking of Mike's travelling, it is becoming more of an issue for me too. I don't know if it's because I'm tired of it or the stresses of the kids' busy schedules are harder for me to handle on my own or I just need him here to help with the normal parenting issues. Honestly, I think it's all of that combined. Plus the obvious reason of,  I just miss him and want him here with ME. I don't know how single parents do it. I am blessed to have my parents that live nearby and my SIL and BIL to help if I need. But, I have always tried to manage on my own before asking for help. Mike has been employed with different companies over the past 12 years and all of them have required him to travel except one, and he was always "on call" with that one. This is how we view it...it was our choice for him to accept these jobs and it was our choice to have kids, so the travelling was something that we had to work with when raising our kids. We understand this, so we don't feel that we should depend on others to carry us through.
I think I started my downward spiral a year ago when we moved and I had such a stressful month and a half during that time. It was mild and seemed to be more PMS problems than anything else at the time. A few months later, I felt the change of moods more drastically, so I had blood work done. This time it's appeared to be Adrenal Fatigue. I honestly, didn't do much to help get this under control. It didn't seem like a big issue for me. I've always had the attitude of "just let it run it's course, things will get back to normal soon". During that time, I also started taking new vitamins and I noticed a change in moods while I was taking them, but I kept thinking "How could vitamins change my mindset?" So, I ignored the signs. But, then after a few months, I just kept getting this gut feeling that I should stop taking them, so I did and that seemed to help. For awhile.
After all that, summer came...so the kids are home. I decided to just take it easy and enjoy my time with the kids...no pressing schedules, no rigorous exercise or diet plans...just enjoy my kids. And, this summer felt much shorter for me than usual and I wanted to latch onto my kids more. Usually by September, I'm ready for school to start. But I didn't want to let go this year.
After school started, things got really busy again. Mike's travelling became more frequent, soccer season started, homework came into the picture again, etc. And even after 6 months, I was still feeling like something wasn't quite right. But, this time I thought it was anxiety problems. My mom helped me see this because I was too oblivious or too stubborn to think that there may be an explanation for what I'm experiencing. But...I still didn't want to do anything or see a doctor about it because I didn't want more medicine. I wanted to get a grip and deal with it! I tried to get over my "blues" and emotional breakdowns by coming up with excuses. But after the past few weeks, I have come to realize that there is definitely something more serious going on.
Hence...the self-diagnosis of Depression. It all fits.
Here is an explanation of Depression that I read.
"Clinical depression goes by many names -- depression, "the blues," biological depression, major depression. But it all refers to the same thing: feeling sad and depressed for weeks or months on end (not just a passing blue mood). This feeling is most often accompanied by feelings of hopelessness, a lack of energy (or feeling "weighed down"), and taking little or no pleasure in things that gave you joy in the past. A person who's depressed just "can't get moving" and feels completely unmotivated to do just about anything. Even simple things -- like getting dressed in the morning or eating -- become large obstacles in daily life."
"Appetite and/or weight loss or overeating and weight gain may be symptoms of depression in some people. Many others experience decreased energy, fatigue, and a constant feeling of being “slowed down"... Restlessness and irritability among those who have depression is common. A person who is depressed also has difficulty concentrating, remembering, and trouble making decisions."
Bingo!! This is what I have been going through for months! How could I be so blind to not see this?
Just about everything listed hits home. Man, if only I could have clued into this in months ago. But, sometimes it just doesn't register until things get beyond crazy.
So...now I need to see a doctor to confirm my diagnosis and determine what form and how severe. Which I have already set up an appointment for. There are some lifestyle changes that I need to make now, to help with the efforts of getting this under control. Now, I just need to do them. **sigh** :/
I would LOVE to get back to the old Jill that I know and love as soon as possible. This current Jill, is a real drag. Fortunately though, when I figure something out, that is usually the turning point. Knowledge is power. Medicine or not I will fix this!