I have so much going on in my head lately. Is it hormones? Is it depression? Is it anxiety? Is it stress? Is it a need for something more or different? All I know is that I can't seem to get my emotions under control.
I have been pretty down on myself for awhile now. I try to stay optimistic and keep a positive attitude but it's hard sometimes. I mean, let's face it...last year I kicked butt and lost 85 lbs. But, in a matter of 6 months, I have gained most of that back! And...that has taken a toll on my self esteem and feelings of failure. I don't know what to do. And honestly, I really don't want to do anything! I am tired of thinking about it, worrying about it and hearing about it. It has been such a huge focus of mine for so long, I almost think that I am driving myself into a depression or having issues with anxiety because of it. I have lost focus on other important things in my life because of this. I have forgotten how to live without a constant nagging voice of "You're doing it wrong."" You're not doing enough." After awhile, it gets to me and I blow up. I usually have a monthly meltdown...thank you Mike for always being there for that (lucky you). My emotions are all over the place, I am tired all the time and I have felt the need to withdraw more. This worries me because that is NOT who I usually am. I am just so frustrated with the pressures I put on myself to do everything "perfect". And...what's funny is, there is no "perfect". Everyone's perception of perfect is different and even mine changes over and over. Just when I think I've got it figured out, my standards change or I hear that it should be done this way instead. So, I'm never satisfied.
I used to be much better at having the attitude and lifestyle of "go with the flow". I can't be that way anymore. I have 3 growing kids with busy schedules, I have a husband that travels a lot and I have other responsibilities that take up my time. I know that if I organize my time better, it will help me out tremendously. I struggle with prioritizing and finding that balance of scheduling must-do's/chores but also giving myself "me time". Scheduling is crucial if I want to stay sane, stay healthy and be in a better state of mind. It's just so hard for me to focus and set that schedule up. I'll find a million other things I'd rather do. Probably because, once I set up that schedule, I will have no more excuses. Now I have to follow it. Which is hard for the "rebellious" and the "don't like rules" kind of girl that I am. But...at some point, I'll need to just suck it up and do it.
My biggest fear besides dying young and not being around to watch my children grow up and grow old with Mike is...my kids going through the same weight issues that I have. As their mom, it is my responsibility to teach them and guide them in making healthy choices and taking care of their bodies. And...I am failing miserably! I can't even get my own act to together. Kids learn by watching others' examples. Actions speak louder than words. How do I expect them to make the right choices if their own mother doesn't. Mom knows everything, right?? At least, that's what they think when they're young. I have got to set a better example for them! It breaks my heart to see them chub up or not be able to keep up physically with their friends. Right now, they're still ok for the most part. But...if I don't turn this family around soon, they will have set up their own bad habits and that will be even harder to change.
One thing that I have noticed is, that ever since the ever so popular Facebook came into my life, I have been pissing away hours of time that I could use for other things. I have an addictive and compulsive personality. I find something "fun" that I like and I'll obsess about it. It really becomes a problem because I let other important things get put off or completely ignored in order to feed my obsession. Not good. So...in an effort to regain control of my priorities, I am taking a step back. I will still have my Facebook account and I'll post things and such, but I will not let it manage my entire day. I have to set limits. I have uninstalled it from my phone because that becomes a distraction all the time. And, I don't like to be viewed as a person that is always looking at my phone. I, personally, can't stand that. I think it's rude. So...why do I do it?? Because I'm obsessed with the "Like's" and "Comments". And...you know what I say about that? Get over it. Plus, I don't want my kids answering the question of "What does your mom do?" with "She sits at the computer all day playing on Facebook." How embarrassing is that?!? And...at this point in time...it's pretty accurate. Sad to say. So...this must change! From now on...I'll stand next to the computer all day! LOL!! Just kidding. I hate standing. ;)
Besides Facebook, I have many other little obsessions and all of them keep me from getting things accomplished. Back in the day, when I was young and dumb and had only me to worry about...I think I was more organized. Maybe. Maybe not. Either way...when I was a Store Manager, I always kept a list next to the registers of all the tasks that needed to get done. It may have taken several days, but it usually got crossed off. That is what I need for myself now. My brain is overloaded with information to remember...it's not just for me anymore either. I have to remember stuff for everyone in my household and sometimes more. So...a "to-do" list in addition to the monthly calendar will help unclutter my mind and keep my priorities straight. I also need to remember to focus on ONE project at a time and FINISH it!!
All in all...I am not going to make my "weight loss journey" such a large (no pun intended, haha) focus. I need to lose weight...I know this...and I will. But, I also need to gain control of a lot of other things that have been neglected. I was talking to Mike about the fact that even though being a stay-at-home mom is a priceless gift, I feel that I am missing something. So, this spring, I will most likely be heading back to school. YIKES! Maybe that will help me get my mind on other things. I'm excited about it! I feel like my brain is turning to mush and I need to challenge myself in new ways. So...here's to a new chapter in my life.
2 comments:
You absolutely ROCK!!!! You know that right?!?! You are incredibly strong and your are NOT a failure! We are all learning to be better versions of ourselves. As long as you can honestly reflect and see changes that need to be made you are moving in the right direction. How and how long it takes to make those changes is the excruciating part of it all. All of our journeys look different. My own little thoughts based on my own life experiences is that you are spot on. Sometimes when we let one thing completely control us it actually has the opposite affect than what we intended it to. Sometimes the most growth happens when we aren't focused on growth. Sometimes you just need to stop and live life for a while then pause and look back to see how far you have really come. Like you said there is no perfect way to do somthing. You have to do what is right for you. You, not anyone else. Do what you need to do and we will all be here rooting you on. :D
I really can't give advice. I completely understand where you are coming from. I struggle with a lot of the same issues on different levels. The one thing I am trying to do now is not focus on the actual "weight" because that is what I think makes us get "frustrated" I would just focus on changing the little things (or at least what I am doing) instead of worrying about the actual "weight number" I am focusing on just eating healthier choices, eating out less, and making exercise something that I enjoy and making it a habit. That is still a lot of overwhelming things but I can only do what I can do and I think you should remember that you can only do what you can do. So since the issue you are really concerned is teaching your kids then I would say focus on that eating at home and making good choices at home. I know that is hard with soccer practices, games etc...but I think that alone would make you feel better. Lean on others to help. I am more than welcome to provide you with my dinner calendar for ideas and most of my recipes are on pinterest and all recipes.com...anything else you want to try I can get you recipes. Do only what you can do and don't focus on the numbers.
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