Eliminating distractions, adjusting priorities, regaining my sanity.

I have so much going on in my head lately. Is it hormones? Is it depression? Is it anxiety? Is it stress? Is it a need for something more or different? All I know is that I can't seem to get my emotions under control.
I have been pretty down on myself for awhile now. I try to stay optimistic and keep a positive attitude but it's hard sometimes. I mean, let's face it...last year I kicked butt and lost 85 lbs. But, in a matter of 6 months, I have gained most of that back! And...that has taken a toll on my self esteem and feelings of failure. I don't know what to do. And honestly, I really don't want to do anything! I am tired of thinking about it, worrying about it and hearing about it. It has been such a huge focus of mine for so long, I almost think that I am driving myself into a depression or having issues with anxiety because of it. I have lost focus on other important things in my life because of this. I have forgotten how to live without a constant nagging voice of "You're doing it wrong."" You're not doing enough." After awhile, it gets to me and I blow up. I usually have a monthly meltdown...thank you Mike for always being there for that (lucky you). My emotions are all over the place, I am tired all the time and I have felt the need to withdraw more. This worries me because that is NOT who I usually am. I am just so frustrated with the pressures I put on myself to do everything "perfect". And...what's funny is, there is no "perfect". Everyone's perception of perfect is different and even mine changes over and over. Just when I think I've got it figured out, my standards change or I hear that it should be done this way instead. So, I'm never satisfied.
I used to be much better at having the attitude and lifestyle of "go with the flow". I can't be that way anymore. I have 3 growing kids with busy schedules, I have a husband that travels a lot and I have other responsibilities that take up my time. I know that if I organize my time better, it will help me out tremendously. I struggle with prioritizing and finding that balance of scheduling must-do's/chores but also giving myself "me time". Scheduling is crucial if I want to stay sane, stay healthy and be in a better state of mind. It's just so hard for me to focus and set that schedule up. I'll find a million other things I'd rather do. Probably because, once I set up that schedule, I will have no more excuses. Now I have to follow it. Which is hard for the "rebellious" and the "don't like rules" kind of girl that I am. But...at some point, I'll need to just suck it up and do it.
My biggest fear besides dying young and not being around to watch my children grow up and grow old with Mike is...my kids going through the same weight issues that I have. As their mom, it is my responsibility to teach them and guide them in making healthy choices and taking care of their bodies. And...I am failing miserably! I can't even get my own act to together. Kids learn by watching others' examples. Actions speak louder than words. How do I expect them to make the right choices if their own mother doesn't. Mom knows everything, right?? At least, that's what they think when they're young. I have got to set a better example for them! It breaks my heart to see them chub up or not be able to keep up physically with their friends. Right now, they're still ok for the most part. But...if I don't turn this family around soon, they will have set up their own bad habits and that will be even harder to change.
One thing that I have noticed is, that ever since the ever so popular Facebook came into my life, I have been pissing away hours of time that I could use for other things. I have an addictive and compulsive personality. I find something "fun" that I like and I'll obsess about it. It really becomes a problem because I let other important things get put off or completely ignored in order to feed my obsession. Not good. So...in an effort to regain control of my priorities, I am taking a step back. I will still have my Facebook account and I'll post things and such, but I will not let it manage my entire day. I have to set limits. I have uninstalled it from my phone because that becomes a distraction all the time. And, I don't like to be viewed as a person that is always looking at my phone. I, personally, can't stand that. I think it's rude. So...why do I do it??  Because I'm obsessed with the "Like's" and "Comments". And...you know what I say about that? Get over it. Plus, I don't want my kids answering the question of "What does your mom do?" with "She sits at the computer all day playing on Facebook." How embarrassing is that?!? And...at this point in time...it's pretty accurate. Sad to say. So...this must change! From now on...I'll stand next to the computer all day! LOL!! Just kidding. I hate standing. ;)
Besides Facebook, I have many other little obsessions and all of them keep me from getting things accomplished. Back in the day, when I was young and dumb and had only me to worry about...I think I was more organized. Maybe. Maybe not. Either way...when I was a Store Manager, I always kept a list next to the registers of all the tasks that needed to get done. It may have taken several days, but it usually got crossed off. That is what I need for myself now. My brain is overloaded with information to remember...it's not just for me anymore either. I have to remember stuff for everyone in my household and sometimes more. So...a "to-do" list in addition to the monthly calendar will help unclutter my mind and keep my priorities straight. I also need to remember to focus on ONE project at a time and FINISH it!!
All in all...I am not going to make my "weight loss journey" such a large (no pun intended, haha) focus. I need to lose weight...I know this...and I will. But, I also need to gain control of a lot of other things that have been neglected. I was talking to Mike about the fact that even though being a stay-at-home mom is a priceless gift, I feel that I am missing something. So, this spring, I will most likely be heading back to school. YIKES! Maybe that will help me get my mind on other things. I'm excited about it! I feel like my brain is turning to mush and I need to challenge myself in new ways. So...here's to a new chapter in my life.

No more guilt. Just relax and do my best.

Failure.
In some ways...yes, I have failed. But, in other ways...I've succeeded.
I have come to terms that I will always have weight problems. I will always want to eat everything I see...especially if it's unhealthy. I will never enjoy exercise.
But...I will always be learning and trying to do what I need to, in order to get healthy. Not thin...healthy.
I hate counting points. I hate counting calories. To the point that it pisses me off and then I binge because I am so annoyed with it!! So...what do I do??? Do I give in to that immaturity or do I empathize and find a different way? I know that counting is the best way to assure that I lose weight. But...is it worth my sanity? Ultimately, I am looking to achieve good health...and not just in the physical sense.
When I am following a counting plan...food consumes my every thought more than it did before. I view food as the enemy because it causes me such headache. As much as I try and say I'm going to sit down and plan out my meals...I rarely do. My moods change frequently, unexpected activities or a crisis will come up...which throws off any plan that I had. At least, in my mind it does. If a wrench gets thrown into my day...I will, a lot of times, scratch what I was going to do whether I needed to or not. And...I'll tell you why. I don't like eating at home. I like someone else to cook...I like someone else to clean up...I like for everyone to be able to order what they want so I don't have to hear complaints about what I fixed. Therefore...a wrench is usually welcome...so I can eat out. But...then the guilt sets in.
Guilt. It's one of the emotions that I feel almost constantly. Guilt from the choices that I make. Guilt because of the way that I feed my family. Guilt from disappointing my loved ones due to me thinking so selfishly by handling things the way that I do. All in all, I am in a continual mind war with myself and it's beginning to cause anxiety. I need to chill out! This is definitely not helping me to achieve good health mentally which then affects me physically.
I know I have A LOT of weight to lose. That, in of itself, causes me to have anxiety. I get pissed off because I did this to myself. I get pissed off because my family is following suit...by my example. I know that I need to figure out something fast or I am just going to get heavier and more depressed. So...do I want to continue with WW or counting calories to achieve my goals? Honestly...no. I want to live and not have to overthink every meal. I want the freedoms without that nagging voice saying, "Did you count that? Should you be eating that?" I want to set my own rules.
It's a give and take relationship really. Just like in a marriage or at a job. In marriage, there is compromise and a respect for your spouse. Same with food. Allow myself to eat that dessert but only after I have eaten all my fruits and veggies for the day. That will help it feel less restrictive...which will help control my rebellious tenancies. At a job...I have to put in the effort in order to get paid, right? Well... same with eating correctly and exercising. I'm not going to see or feel any results if I don't do the work necessary. It's a give and take. Don't get me wrong, there do need to be some rules...I understand that. It just doesn't have to be so strict or by the book. Enjoy life without so much stress and pressure.
So...with a few "shaking of heads" I am going to do this... on...my...own. That is what I am comfortable with. I do enjoy the "rah rah" sessions to a certain degree. But, WW tends to award everything no matter what. It's like receiving a trophy for showing up. It puts less meaning to the significant victories. And, maybe that's an insensitive way to view it, but I'm being honest. I don't want a sticker for showing up. I paid to be there...I better show up. Plus, I get tired of the ignorant people that try to cheat the system and then don't lose weight and wonder why. "It's Weight Watchers! I'm supposed to lose weight!" Really??? Not if you eat a whole apple pie and call it a fruit. So, I'll stick with people I know and love to give me that "rah rah" I need. Frequently.
Earlier this year, I was asked to participate at a Relief Society enrichment night and share my "getting healthy" expertise. Being asked to do this was flattering and unexpected. And, I thought I was completely unqualified to say the least. Plus the fact, here is a 300 lb woman instructing others on how to get healthy. For those that haven't known me or followed my journey were probably thinking, "Are you serious???" But...I did my best. The other day I was cleaning out my desk and I just happened to come across my notes/handout for that night. And, it helped me refocus. I have to say that I enjoyed my own words and the tips that I had. So...I am going to share my "Top Ten Tips List"...
1. Be patient. Don't try to change everything all at once. That will result in frustration and most likely giving up.
2. Prioritize. Prioritize the things that you want to change and then pick the one that will have the most impact first.
3. Add in good habits. Add in the good before trying to get rid of the bad. The bad will be easier to let go of once you feel the effects from adding in the good.
4. Start moving. Anything is better than nothing. Find something you enjoy, so you'll stick with it.
5. Set Goals. Set realistic goals. Goals that are attainable with your lifestyle.
6. Be compassionate. You will screw up. You will have bad days. And, that's ok. Forgive and try again.
7. Ask for help. It's ok to not have all the answers. It's ok to need someone to hold your hand every so often.
8. Be positive. Most of us function better with positive reinforcement. Praise yourself in the same manner you would praise your child or a loved one.
9. Allow yourself breathing room. Nobody wants to be put under a microscope. Have some fun, indulge every now and then. It will help you to not get those bitter feelings or feelings of resentment.
10. Involve others. It will help tremendously in a variety of ways. It will keep you accountable. It will help with motivation, encouragement and desire to stick with it. It will help with advice and tips. Be up front and honest. We can't be strong all the time.
There it is. I am going to follow my own tips and take my own advice. I am going to work on my marriage with food and get the job done.

 

 

 

Following through till the end. Focus.

Follow through. Or lack thereof. That is probably what my biggest obstacle is in getting to any of the goals that I set for myself.
I notice it more and more. And, it is becoming more and more of a problem. I have always had big dreams...ambitious goals...and lots of desires. But...I have also struggled with lack of patience and getting bored easily. I was like this as a kid too. My mom would get me toys and I'd lose interest right away and not play with it anymore.
I am great at talking and coming up with grand ideas. But...I am lousy at following through with a lot of things that I say I'm going to do. I lose interest. I find something better...repeatedly. It drives my family nuts because they never know what to expect. My mind changes minute to minute. I'll create a routine that seems perfect...then I'll change it. Why?? I don't know. I get bored. I like to liven things up. I don't want to feel restricted.
I yearn for a life that doesn't feel so chaotic. Problem is...I am the one that makes it chaotic. If I could just stick with what I know works, things would feel a lot less stressful for me.
I'll close my eyes and visualize exactly how I want my days/weeks to go. I mean, I know how I operate best, I know what works best for my family...I know, I know, I know. So...why can't I just stick with it. Answer is...focus issues or better known as, ADD. Which, I hate using that as an excuse. But, honestly, it's quite accurate. My attention span is sometimes non-existent. And, that makes it so hard for me to create a routine...because I get bored. I feel like I always have to change things. This is one main reason why dieting and exercise is such a struggle for me. The other reason is...I just don't like it and I don't want to do it. But, we'll look past that one. LOL! ;)
Now, going back to lack of focus and follow through. Any diet or exercise plan requires planning. I need to think ahead and plan out what I am going to eat and figure out how many points that will be. I need to plan out what kind of exercising I'm going to do and when and where and how long. Seems pretty simple right? Well...for my brain...it is FAR from simple. To be able to sit down and focus long enough to complete my planning...is torture! I lose focus...I get bored...my attention gets distracted in a million different directions. And...if my brain cooperates, and that is a big if...if, I am able to create a plan...most likely I'll want to change it. Because, well...I don't know. Now can you see my problem?!? Frustrating.
I am trying, I really am. But, my brain shuts down. Then I get irritated and say "Screw it!" So, how do I settle down my brain, so I can get to my goals. And, how can I convince my brain that I don't need to change everything over and over, especially if it's working!
This has been my battle for years! This is why I lose weight and then gain it back. I am going to go back to the doctor and really try to figure out how to help this. I was with the same doctor for years and switched earlier this year to another doctor that took lots of blood work and saw some red flags, but she wasn't on our insurance and I never followed through with our findings to search for remedies. Imagine that...I didn't follow through. LOL. So, I am going to try a new doctor and have them evaluate my current medication, and see if I need to add more or whatever. It scares me though, because I really don't like medicines. Who knows what kinds of side effects they'll bring. But...on the flip side, it may be the answer to my prayers. I really want something to be able to help me focus and stop being such a worrier. Plus, my memory SUCKS and that also scares me because my grandma just passed away from Alzheimer's disease and I've heard that it runs through the mother's genes...and she is my maternal grandmother.
I have rejoined WW, I started last week. I am determined to get this weight off and get my body healthy again. I am taking it day by day. I am being compassionate with myself, yet still forcing myself to get my act in gear. It's a fine line. I was very nervous to get on the scale because I knew how well I was taking care of myself over the past several months. I wasn't exercising and I certainly wasn't watching what I ate. So...this is where I am at right now...I weighed in at 358.4 lbs. Very disappointed and frustrated with myself to say the least. At my lowest, in February or March, I was 288 lbs. I have gained back 70 lbs in 6 months. Which, also worries me and urges me even more to see the doctor again. I know that I ate like crap, but that is a lot of weight to gain back in a short amount of time. Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to make excuses, I will take full responsibility for my actions. I'm just curious to see if there are other reasons why I put back on so much weight. On the plus side though, I am still lighter than where I was when I began this journey. So...that's good.
My goals...
1. To eat better. Add in the fruits and veggies. Tremendously cut down the sugar and soda. Not ready to omit it just yet.
2. To move more. I retain water like crazy and I know walking and swimming help. I will incorporate more when I feel I'm ready.
3. To sleep longer and better. If I stay active and drink no caffeine, I'll sleep better. If I go to bed earlier, that will allow my mind to rest longer which will hopefully help my focus issues.
4. To set up a weekly routine and follow through with it. Then make it a 2 week routine. Force myself to be content and be ok with not changing things so often.
5. Have fun. Stop being so hard on myself. :)
Small steps. Keep it Simple. It can be done.