My family.

 

Let me just tell you...I am the luckiest girl in the world. I have been SO blessed with a family that has been so understanding and patient with all my struggles and inner demons when it comes to my weight and food.

My husband is a SAINT! His unconditional love for me has meant more to me than I could ever express. In the 17 years that we have known each other I have managed to gain 200 pounds, but he just looks right past that and still sees the beauty that is unrelated to that. He thinks I'm beautiful no matter what size I am. He just worries about my health. Understandably so.

My kids are just as awesome. They don't know me to be any different. I have been over 300 pounds since the boys were 2 years old...except for that brief moment last year when I was still on a successful path of losing weight and I weighed in under 300.

It's really unfortunate for them too because I was so much fun and full of energy. They haven't seen the Jill that I remember from long ago. The Jill that I still picture in my mind. The Jill that existed before I let my weight get out of control. Mike was able to see it for a short while when we were first together. But, the comfort of finding my soul mate made it easy to just indulge. For both of us. But, he had a better handle on things and didn't have a dependency on food.

Being a stay at home mom is a priceless job that I wouldn't give up or change for the world. But...it can definitely take a toll on a woman. Especially a woman that is used to her independence and need for acceptance and praise. I went from someone that has never been around babies...to a mother of twins. I am an only child. I moved to Las Vegas when I was 8 years old and I didn't have any cousins out here or any family my age. Everyone out here was an adult well past their time of having babies. And, none of my friends had younger (baby) siblings. So...I had NO experience with babies. Needless to say...twins totally overwhelmed me!

But, that was just the start of what would eventually end up being the war that I now fight with my weight and dependency on food. Even though I had twins, I was blessed to have two of the most fun and easy babies to raise. What a joy they are! A tender mercy for sure.

I think what hit me the hardest was going from a household where I was the main attraction (only child syndrome) and also being in a workplace where I was a key player most of the time...to a domestic position where I didn't get much recognition and also one that I wasn't familiar or comfortable with. Before this change, I got used to hearing praise and feeling accomplished when I finished a job. As a mom, you don't get that very much. And, after awhile it starts to bring you down. When it did for me, I turned to food to get that "high" that I was craving.

Don't get me wrong...my husband and parents are always supportive and complementary. So, I didn't lack in that kind of attention. What I was missing was a creative outlet and the feeling of success when a job was done and done well. When I'm not getting that kind of attention, it ends up taking a toll on me. But...I have learned to adjust and recognize when I need that little bit of ego boost and I either tell Mike that I need an ego boost or I go out and complete a project. But, I LOVE staying at home and being a part of everything that my kids do... it is a true blessing. So, these hiccups are well worth it.

But you know, sometimes because of these "hiccups" or lack of recognition and praise, you tend to feel unappreciated and not noticed for all the things that you do that they don't realize. We end up taking each other for granted and we forget to acknowledge the little things...we don't say "I Love You" as much as we should...we don't take a time out to say "Thank you."

This week my kids and husband expressed, in simple and unintentional ways, just how much they love me. It was minor to them, but needed for me. It was at different moments for each of them too. One was an unexpected loving backrub while sitting at the table. One was just laying with me on the couch to be close. One was just the sweet little kisses on the cheek or arm out of the blue. And, one was just the gentle touch and being held close. No words necessary...their actions spoke volumes.

These precious moments of affection really got me thinking of just how much we love and need each other. All of us. They need me as much as I need them. It would be devastating for them if anything were to happen to me. And, I have been thinking about this A LOT.

I am not blind to the fact that I am "morbidly obese". I am not blind to the fact that Diabetes is a serious disease. That is what has me scared. That is what makes me feel so ashamed and so sorry that I let myself get to this point. My family needs me and now I am at a serious risk of taking that away from them.

I know I need to take action and quit talking about it. I have been making empty promises for awhile now. Lately, I have been looking at old pictures and I can't stop crying because I feel so terrible for making them worry...for taking away 10 years that I could have been living life to the fullest but instead was so involved in what I was going to eat next. This needs to stop! I want a LONG life with my family and if I don't knock it off, that won't happen.

Lord help me...why is this SO hard?

All I can say is...I am strong. I am determined. I am important. I CAN do this.

 

 

 

I LOVE MY FAMILY!!