I am me, no one else.

 

 

Well...it happened. One of my kids said something innocently that made me want to cry. I knew it would happen eventually as they got older and realized that they have a mom that is much bigger than the other moms. And, I knew it would not be the boys that would say it...that's just not how they are. Now Sydney. Sydney is honest and tells it like she sees it. Which is a wonderful quality to have, but it needs to be used cautiously. I can't be mad because she is just like me. Although, I've had 30 years longer to learn what to say and when to say it. However, that doesn't mean that I always do. I still have plenty of  "open mouth, insert foot" moments.



Here is what happened. It's nothing major...it just hit me wrong. It was when we were driving somewhere and she was in the front seat next to me. This was our conversation.
Sydney, "Mom, how did you do that?"
Me, "Do what?"
Sydney, "That." pointing her finger up and down my arm
Me, "Huh?"
Sydney, "How did you get like that?"
Me, "Do you mean, how did I get so big?"
Sydney, "Yeah. And, I don't mean that in a mean way."
I knew it was an innocent question of pure curiosity because of not understanding what happens. But, that still didn't make it hurt any less.
So I said, "Well...I ate a lot of foods that aren't healthy and I ate too much of them. And, after awhile it caused my body to get bigger and bigger."
Sydney, "That's not going to happen to me."
Me, "It will if you do the same thing. Why do you think I'm always telling you to eat your fruits and veggies and not so much sugar?"
She then had a look of understanding, but still doesn't think it will happen to her. She's a tough one to explain things to. The conversation went on, but that was the part that stung. I also tried to teach her to be careful with what she says because it could hurt someone's feelings. Unfortunately I don't think I delivered a very good teaching lesson with this, because I was trying to control the tears and not show my hurt. I wasn't angry with her by any means. I was angry with myself for giving her the reason to ask that question.
My. weight.
My weight will be a CONSTANT battle for me. But, if that is the only thing that I battle with, then I'm doing pretty good.
I can use this as a good teaching tool on how they need to take care of themselves. Problem is...I need to teach by actions and not just words.
One thing that I have noticed as I've gotten older, had my ups and downs, been able to reflect on my behaviors and been totally honest with myself...is...I am me and no one else.
A lot of my "failures" and "set backs" were caused by trying to be someone that I'm not. I compare myself to everyone...as most of us do. It's not one person in particular, it's everyone. Whatever our insecurities are, that is what we obsess about with trying to change and be like whoever it is we envy.
I wish...I wish...I wish...
It will literally cause you to go nutty.
My insecurity is, my size. I feel ENORMOUS...all...the...time. It affects how much I enjoy everything. Whether it be the fact that I can't move as well...can't fit somewhere...feel completely embarrassed when I'm standing next to a thin person...feel totally unattractive to my husband...the list goes on and on. This is what fuels my need to compare and "wish". "I wish I could be thin like that. I wish I enjoyed eating healthy like her. I wish I enjoyed exercising like they do."
I wish...I wish...I wish...
I'm done with wishing. Because...I am not like any one else. I...am...me.
My body is not designed to be thin. I am curvy. I do not like eating healthy or exercising. Plain and simple. Period.
But...does that mean I give up? No. It means that I need to find what works for ME in order to be the Jill that I picture in my mind.

It's freeing to finally let go of trying to be like everyone else and focus on what it is that I want to do and how I want to do it. I want to be healthy and at a weight that makes me happy. That will never change. I will not get down on myself about every little thing. Because that is what makes me turn to food. If I don't like to run...fine...I'll walk. That I can do. If I don't like to eat like a health nut 24/7...fine...I'll adjust how I eat to incorporate the healthy foods and limit my indulgences. That I can do. NO MORE "I need to be like them". I will find my own groove.
I love who I am. Although, I do not love my weight or current health issues. But that can be changed. I do know that I will constantly be redirecting my thoughts, in order to focus on my own path and no one else's. And, that is totally doable. I am making a lifetime change here which means I need to create habits that are conducive to that. But also do so in a way that is realistic and not out of my character.
I made the mistake of starting this journey in such an aggressive manner that it ended up pushing me into a downward spiral once I got burnt out. I can't do that again. It just isn't healthy...emotionally or physically. It has been a year of beating myself up and searching for answers as to why I fell off the wagon. I have gained back all the weight I lost. I am so embarrassed and disappointed. I look back on pictures from when I was at my lowest weight and remember how much better I felt. That is why I haven't given up or lost hope.
With that being said, I am doing this MY way. I know myself better than anyone. I know how I need to proceed in order to be successful. Yes...it will take longer to get to my goal. But...it will be done in a way that will keep me sane. No more comparing myself to others. That is a distraction that will lead to self destruction.