Constant Mind Wars

It would be so nice to have a day where I'm am not constantly fighting with myself in my head about food, exercise and getting healthy again.
I am my own worst enemy.
In my head there is a continuous battle all day everyday. It's pretty exhausting. I seriously have to sit down with my eyes shut to calm the war. The dialogue changes but what remains the same are the feelings of disappointment, anger and disgust.
It's the same mind war that I have been fighting since high school, it has just become more guilt ridden and frequent over the years. "You shouldn't eat that." "You really should go to the gym every morning and get some exercise." "One more won't hurt." "I'll start my diet Monday." "You better do something or you won't live to see your kids grow up." And, I could go on and on. That last one, is the one that here recently I say most often.
"You better do something NOW or your kids will grow up without a mom, Mike will have to live without his soulmate and I will miss out on everything."
No matter how often I repeat this in my head, the pull of eating and doing nothing seems to win more times than not.
Why is that?? How is that possible??
Over the past couple of years, the consequences of my choices have become more and more apparent and debilitating. I am at an all time high in weight...a number that is humiliating and frightening. I have lost so much strength, mobility and flexibility to the point that I have become way too dependent on everyone I'm around and a hindrance where ever I go with anyone. I am missing out and my family is missing out on so many things because of what I have done to myself.
Over the past year I have had some health problems come up to where I needed to get different tests done. In the end, we have concluded that my heart is fine, my hormones are fine and I have no blood clots. Although, I am now on blood pressure medicine, but other than that, nothing new to report. The Adenoma that was discovered is still there and will be monitored closely to check for changes. As of now, it isn't affecting any functions of my Adrenal glands, which is good.
So now...what's my next step?
At my last doctor's visit, we discussed weight loss. Imagine that. And, he mentioned something called Binge Eating Disorder.
https://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/binge-eating-disorder
There are many things that I can relate to with this disorder. So it's definitely something that sparks my interest and gives me something to look into.
My doctor also suggested that I see a Psychiatrist. But...I'm not so keen about this. Not because I'm too proud or think that I don't have a problem. It's because of the fear of losing who I am.
Regardless of all the mind wars and frustrations that I have, I am a very happy and positive person. I don't feel that I suffer from depression. True, I get down on myself all the time about my constant need to make poor choices involving how I take care of myself. But beyond that, I don't want to change who I am.
My fear is that I will go to the Psychiatrist and they will pull out all of these issues that contribute to my problem causing me to feel even more screwed up than before. My fear is that I will BECOME depressed because of this extra baggage we've discovered, and then lose my happy self. My fear is that I will be put on some kind of medicine that will make me lifeless and emotionless.
I don't want my personality to change. I really do love myself (not in a conceited way) and how my personality impacts those that I am around in a positive way. I don't want to lose my sense of humor or my silliness. I am happy with who I am as a person.
However...on the flip side...I would LOVE to be rid of the mind wars and not be so obsessed with food. I would LOVE to have a clear head and be able to focus on other things and feel productive and satisfied with myself. But, how is that attainable without changing who I am? I just don't see it happening.
And, I am not someone that is interested in meditation or self praise exercises. I feel STUPID doing that and I can't take it serious. I hate group therapy because it's an hour long pity party surrounded by "Debbie Downers". I try to steer clear from negative energy. I know it's good to be around "my people" but it just brings me down more than it helps me.
I know I'm being difficult and not very open minded with this, but I've went down this road before and I didn't like it.
Honestly, what I need is a nutritionist and a personal trainer to help take the think work out of what I need to do. Plus it will hold me accountable. The one thing that helps me "see the light" is that lately I have been able to visualize myself in a body that is healthy and fit. I haven't been able to do that in a while. I am not interested in winning swimsuit competitions or marathons. I just want to be healthy, and be able to do the things physically that I can't do now, and be able to live a long life with Mike by my side and watch our kids grow old and have families of their own.
I have faith in myself that I will get a handle on this. All I can do now is choose the path that feels right and hold on.
I didn't call this the weight loss journey for nothing. It has just turned out to be the LONG frustrating journey with TONS of speed bumps and detours.
Time for my next stretch of winding roads...

 

Making myself a priority.

Every so often life catches up with me and I need my husband to listen to my emotional implosion. And...as always, he does with open ears. Unfortunately, it's usually after midnight lying in bed when he's struggling to stay awake. But...like a champ and a concerned husband he listens and holds my hand.

Lately this has been happening more often. I'm not sure what it is...and honestly I don't think it is ONE thing. It's a multitude of many things.

The obvious one is my health. That alone puts a lot of stress on me both physically and emotionally. The past eight months have been challenging...more than usual.

At the end of last year, I started getting tingling feelings in my chest. I dismissed it and thought it was nothing to worry about. The tingles only happened when I was in a reclined position and didn't happen often or last long. Then I started to get really winded and worn out after very minimal activity. Again, I dismissed it. Because, let's be honest, I am over 400 lbs and extremely out of shape. So of course I'm going to get winded whenever I move.

This newest health problem though actually forced me to miss out on a family activity over Christmas break. Which was very upsetting to me, my husband, my kids and my cousins...more out of concern and just missing having me there. This family activity involved sledding up in the mountains. We all knew I wouldn't be able to sled, but everyone was expecting me to go anyway, just to be a part of the fun and watch and cheer everybody on. For weeks I was torn on whether I should go or not...I even prayed for bad weather to cancel it so I wouldn't have to make the decision myself, but that would have really bummed out everyone, so I was glad the weather turned out fine. Anyway, in order for me to mentally prepare myself and be able to decide, I asked Mike to call the facility to find out as much detail about the place as he could. I had him ask...where the sledding area was located, how is the terrain, how far is the walk, is there a place to sit and watch, are there lots of hills. He knows I have anxiety attacks whenever I go somewhere unfamiliar and my size and physical limitations are a concern, so he was happy to make that call. I mean, let's be honest, I have anxiety from just parking my van in a parking lot and worrying if the car next to me will park too close so that I can't get in on my side. My anxiety has gotten really bad...to the point that I prefer to stay home most of the time. 

Anyway, back to the family sledding trip. Mike made the call. They informed him that it was a bit of a rough walk, but there were ATV type vehicles that could drive me to and from. I wasn't sure what to make of that information. I know how hard it would be for me to climb onto something like that, plus the fact that I probably wouldn't fit. But...what really had me worry was the fact that my family would be watching me...a grotesquely obese version of my once athletic self, struggle to get on this vehicle. It was humiliating just thinking about it. Just the mere fact that I would have to consider riding this thing really pissed me off. Because...Damn it! I should be able to walk on my own!! 

But, with all of this embarrassing "don't look at my fatness" aside...the real concern was, could I honestly handle the trip physically. The fact that I was getting so winded already had me very concerned. It was like I was breathing at high altitude when I was only in my living room. So, I knew that I would seriously have a hard time breathing being up in the mountains even without having to walk anywhere. Another concern was, that I am very unsteady on my feet. My water retention swells up my feet so they're not very flexible. That makes walking on slick surfaces very scary for me. I have had several falls that resulted in large contusions on my lower legs. The last thing I wanted was to fall and hurt myself and ruin everyone's trip. So...in the end...I decided to stay home.

So, now January comes along. My shortness of breath is getting worse, to the point that Mike told me to call my doctor. After several minutes, it was decided that I needed to go to the ER so they could do the tests necessary and find out what's wrong. We were there for several hours and after lots of bloodwork and other tests, they discovered that I had blood clots in my lung. Which explained why I was having shortness of breath. They also saw some numbers of concern with my heartrate. After being released, I saw my doctor for a follow up. She prescribed a blood thinner and a Cardiologist visit. The Cardiologist had me do a Stress Test and an ECHO. They both came out fine and he was very pleased with how my heart looks. Great news!!

Fast forward 6 months.

It's time to readdress these blood clots. Are they still there??

I see my doctor for a follow up. She checks me over and we talk. She does a new "Diabetic circulation" test on my toes and fingers. The results weren't as good as she would've liked. So...she refers me to get a chest scan to look for the clots and also an Arterial Doppler ultrasound on my legs to check for blockage in my arteries that could be the cause for the circulation issues. The ultrasound came back fine. But, the scan however brought a new discovery to our attention. The good news is that the blood clots dissolved and are no longer there. But now...she sees a nodule on my Adrenal gland. So...off to do another scan to see what that's all about.

The new discovery turned out to be a large Adenoma on my Adrenal gland. An Adenoma is a benign tumor. My doctor wants to do another scan in 4 months and compare the 2 scans to check for changes in the tumor. Then she will decide what to do. Well...I am not happy with this!! I don't want ANY kind of tumor in my body...benign or not! The fact that there is something foreign on my Adrenal gland is most likely screwing up how it functions. Which actually makes total sense.

Four years ago while I was losing all that weight, my trainer took notice of some of my ailments and brought up the possibility of Adrenal Fatigue. I looked into it, saw a "Naturalist" doctor, took some tests and found out that my Cortisol levels were out of whack. Cortisol is the "Stress" hormone. The doctor basically told me that to treat Adrenal Fatigue I would need to change my "body clock". My sleeping patterns and brain stimulating activities and diet and relaxation techniques would need to be fixed in order for the Adrenal Fatigue to get better. Well...I can tell you how successful I was at doing that. I wasn't.

Which brings us to today. Have I been dealing with this for 4 years and not knowing it??

When I looked up the functions of the Adrenals, it highlights everything that I've been struggling with all this time. They control many different hormones, including the ones that control how we handle stress, our metabolism, our energy levels, balancing salt and water in the body. It's pretty spot on to identifying what's wrong with me. Oh my gosh! "balancing salt and water in the body" That's my water retention nightmare!!!!

Now, I know my crappy diet and lack of exercise play a major role in my health issues and weight gain. I'm not stupid or looking to place blame on something other than myself. But...if there is something underlying that is making it that much harder for me to get this weight off then I want to know about it and FIX it!!

So, I have made an appointment with an Endocrinologist to help me get my hormones under control and to see what this tumor is doing to my Adrenal gland functions. So...we shall see...

In the meantime...it is NO secret that my emotions are ALL over the place. I get stressed out very easily. Plus the fact that I am at a stage in my life that I am having somewhat of an identity crisis. This was something that I was venting to Mike about. I feel lost. Like I don't know what to do with my life. On one hand I feel old and that I've missed out on a lot of opportunities, but on the other hand, I feel like this is a new beginning and the world's my limit.

One reason I feel lost is because my kids are getting older so I am now faced with the realization that pretty soon my kids will be on their own. Which is a very scary thought. I know it's still several years off, but those years will whiz by. So, now is the time for me to start thinking of MY future. What am I if I'm not a stay at home mom?? I just don't know. I have no college experience. And, I don't want to work just to work. I want a career and/or to be able to do something that I love. 

Another thing that has caused me great stress over the past several years and I have now decided to address to help me "find" myself and focus on getting healthy in ALL aspects of my life, and that is my faith. This one is very complicated for me. And I know it probably comes as a shock to some. Let me be clear though, I love my church and what it stands for. And, I have made many lifelong and amazing friends since I have been a member. 

I came into the church as a young adult by the influence of my husband (boyfriend at the time) and his family. By my own will, no forcing on their behalf, I investigated it. I decided to be baptized with the thought that in time this will all make sense. For the next 8 years we would go to church off and on but never fully active for very long. Then I decided to take the plunge and really dive into it full heartedly. Now, to give you some back story about me...I did not grow up with any type of religion so the whole process that goes along with being an active member was and still is very uncomfortable and awkward for me. It hasn't changed or gotten any easier over time. I have always had a hard time understanding and fully believing what is being said in the scriptures. I have faith in a lot of things, so that is why I have stuck with it for so long. I want my children to get the opportunity to learn what my husband knows to be true and grew up with himself. It is important to him, so it is important to me. I have no problem being there and going along with the journey.

However, with this, has come the stress of trying to belong in an environment that I'm not completely in agreeance with. But...that is why I go, to learn and feel that assurady that we all seek.

As a member of this church we are asked to serve callings. Some are a lot more demanding than others. Some are demanding on us and some are demanding on our spouse. We feel the stress of it either way. I have always enjoyed my callings and what they have taught me and the people and kids that I have had the joy to work with and develop very special relationships with. But, sometimes these callings take me away from the ability to learn and be a part of lessons that will help me to build my testimony and understand the scriptures. And in this delicate emotional time for me, I have noticed myself becoming irritated with the church and the stress that it can bring. Because of this, I know I need to take a step back and clear my head. So, I have asked to be released from my callings.

This was a hard decision for me because I don't like others to have to pick up my slack or fill my void. But, I know I am in no state of mind to be a teacher at this point. And, some will argue that being a teacher is where you'll learn the most from. And, that is true in a lot of cases. But, I have been a teacher from day one and it's time for me to take the stress off of preparing lessons and be able to be the student and enjoy hearing the lesson. And, since my mood towards the church is so hot and cold right now, I feel having no calling will help lift the stress I feel when I go. It's very selfish, I know. But, right now I'm making myself a priority and it's something that has been eating at me for some time.

My ultimate goal right now is to alleviate some of the weight (no pun intended) that I feel. As a mom, your whole life is your kids. Every decision that is made is based on what's best for them. As it should be. But, we can't lose sight of ourselves in the process. I have no idea what truly makes ME happy. I know what makes them happy which in turn makes me happy.

I have felt myself going on a gradual downward spiral over the past 10 years. A lot has to do with the constant fluctuations with my weight and the self-blaming and the guilt that brings. Some has to do with the activities I've missed because of my weight and size. I also miss the social aspect of being out in the world and having my work noticed and complimented. Mom's don't get that very often. And, we all need praise every once in awhile to lift our spirits. 

But, I don't want to be misunderstood either with anything that I've said while unloading my thoughts throughout this post. I have a very blessed life and I have a husband and kids that are darn near perfect in my eyes. So, I am not complaining or trying to imply that I have a sucky life. Because that couldn't be farther from the truth.

There are just some times when I don't feel quite right in my head and my rational thinking and moods start to become erratic. This is when I have to take notice and find out why and take action.

So that is what I am doing. 

I am not getting any younger and I still have a lot of life to live. And, I want to live it to the fullest! 

Finding balance

Time for a self check...again.

Every year I feel like I've aged 5 years physically and regressed 5 years mentally. I'm running around in circles and expecting different results. In other words...I'm going insane.

For 20+ years I have been fighting the same battle and I have yet to win. I'll be on the winning side for awhile, but then some bomb will hit and cripple me for a long time. I then lick my wounds and feel sorry for myself for a little while. And eventually, I'll heal enough to try again. I'll get back on the front line, using the same methods as before and then expect a different result.

That's the definition of insanity.  

Here's where I'm at right now. I know I need to lose weight...A LOT of weight. I know I have life threating problems...Diabetes, Sleep Apnea and the newly discovered blood clots in my lung (which may have been resolved by now) to name a few. I mean, just the pressure that my excessive weight puts on my body and heart and all my vital organs alone is life threatening. I know this. I think about this EVERY day ALL the time. I think about how this affects my family ALL the time. But...I keep making the same mistakes and poor decisions. I keep putting crap food in my body and a lot of it. I keep sitting on my butt and not doing anything to keep my body active and flexible. I'm not even 40 years old and I rely on the help of others to do the simplest things. It's pathetic and humiliating and ALL my fault.
How do I resolve this? What am I not getting or understanding?
So, obviously that got me thinking. I over think and analyze, remember. Honestly, I need to "DO" more and "THINK" less. That's probably the real problem here. ;)
Anyway...it got me thinking...How well do I really know myself?
And, here's why I ask that question. I am a people pleaser. I am someone that is easily influenced and persuaded. So that makes me wonder...do I do the things I do because of outside influences? Quite possibly.
We all read articles and books written by different professionals informing us about some new method on how to lose weight or how to do this or how to do that. Our eyes brighten up because "This is it! This is what I need to do to fix my problem!" And, a lot of times, I'll jump into it without even thinking it through.
Same goes for talking to different people in our lives. We're fed a wealth of information and opinions on how to live our lives and what we should do to help whatever it is we need help with. It's nice to have those resources to get other perspectives because I know I don't know everything, so I enjoy hearing other options.
But...I need to take that information and not just automatically follow it because someone told me to. I am a people pleaser, so I like to do as I'm told, so to speak. Well, what works for one, may not work for another. So, I have to be aware of my own lifestyle. I have to do self checks quite often, so I don't get caught up in another gimmick that really wasn't best for me.
This is where Weight Watchers comes into play for me. Or any structured diet plan for that matter. I have a pattern with these. I do well for several weeks then I get frustrated by the monotonous and tedious counting and journaling. I HATE both of those. I already have a relationship with food that is unhealthy. It consumes my mind 24/7. I'll think about what I am going to eat for lunch while I'm eating breakfast. I get giddy if I know I'm going to eat at my favorite restaurant for dinner. My mood can go from blah to super happy with just the thought of eating my favorite foods or reverse if I can't have the foods that I want. It's a mentally exhausting process everyday. So...to add on the stress of counting and journaling, it's just too much for my mind to handle. It brings the guilt level to an all time high and eventually leads me into a depression and resentment that is unhealthy.
When I have to journal and count, it forces me to acknowledge and highlight all of the "off limits" foods that I consume and the portions of them. I feel like the naughty and troubled child all the time because I'm misbehaving. This is where the curse of my "all or nothing" personality rears its ugly head and the constant voices that come at me saying, "you can't have this and you can't have that" will overwhelm my rational thinking and decision making skills. It gets to the point that I say 'screw it!' because it is making me so unhappy and disgusted with myself that I completely fall off the wagon and curl into a ball and cry.
So, why would I repeatedly go back to these methods and expect a different result? Because I'm told it's what I should do.
Well...obviously it isn't.
I want to lose weight and get healthy without feeling like I am under someone's thumb and being looked at through a magnifying glass all the time.
And the only way I know how to do this, is by putting trust in myself that I can eat "normally". And, by this I mean, to not find every chocolate chip cookie, French fry, Diet Dr. Pepper or pizza and stuff it in my mouth in obscene quantities. But...to also not force myself to be denied of the foods that I enjoy and only allow myself to eat the "right" foods all the time. There is a balance. As with anything in life.
Now I understand that with those regimented diet plans, most of them will allow me to eat whatever as long as I count it, but even still, I feel "watched over" and judged.
I have always been one that likes to work alone and make my own rules and decisions. In school I always hated group projects. I'm a control freak that way.
And, you know, saying all of this may sound very immature and just another excuse. But if the ultimate goal in life is to be happy and to have joy, then I need to reevaluate what I'm doing so I can achieve that. I am the only one that can make a plan that's best suited for me. A plan that has balance and a plan that will not cause me to implode and shatter all of the progress that I've made and worked so hard to accomplish.
I know I need to make changes in order to get to where I need to be. But, it doesn't have to be so frustrating and make me hate the process so much. So I ask myself this... Which path do I want on this journey of mine? The longer but more enjoyable ride or the ride that is dreaded from the start and is miserable the entire way?
I choose the longer and more enjoyable ride. Because, let's face it, I will be more likely to stay on the journey till the end if it's one that I like.