I have always been considered and looked at as a "fat girl". More specifically the "funny fat girl". Does it bother me? Yes. I always think this is the first thing people notice. As I've gotten older I feel like there is a spotlight on me when I enter the room or when I walk in front of people... a spotlight showcasing my fatness. I visualize and imagine the gasps of disgust. Luckily, I stay sane and get by with my sense of humor. I don't mind being the funny girl. I enjoy that a lot. I just would like the fat part to go away.
Life as a fat girl...well, it sucks. I don't know life differently though. And maybe that's why I haven't been able to be successful at losing weight permanently. Fear of the unknown. My sister in law once said, "Don't lose weight because then you won't be you." What she meant was, that's the only way she's ever known me. Well, it's the only way I've ever known me.
Growing up I was always bigger, not necessarily fat, but bigger. It was a label that I received at a young age and it stuck. Emotionally. So regardless of my weight, I considered myself bigger "fat". Poking fun at myself was a way to break the ice among new kids to help get it out there and move past the judgments. I beat them to it, so they couldn't get the satisfaction and laughs from making the hateful remarks themselves.
This is something that I have continued to do as an adult. I feel as though being the "Funny Fat Girl" is my identity, it's who I am. I can't visualize myself any other way. But, I desperately NEED to. I need to find a way to convince myself that it's OK to change. I will still be the same person inside even if I change the outside. But, it's hard to change routines that have been a part of my everyday lifestyle for so long. At least it is for any length of time. I've tried, over and over.
Over the past 10 years my health has been on the decline. I was diagnosed with Type 2 Diabetes and Sleep Apnea by the time I was 30 years old. I have lived in denial for about that long and have now reached a point where my body is breaking down. These past 2 years I have seen and felt the decline gain speed and introduce a variety of different issues that put my life at risk. I am worried. My family is worried, they look at me with concern and feelings of helplessness all the time. I hate it. I am my own worst enemy when it comes to changing my bad habits and taking care of myself.
It's has become unbearable. I am a prisoner in my own body. I am a prisoner in my own head.
I go through anxiety attacks daily stressing about different things that involve my size, weight and physical limitations. When I go anywhere my inner dialogue is always the same...'How far do I have to walk', 'How many times do I have to get out of the car', 'Will I fit where I am going', 'How far will I have to park', 'Is a car going to park too close to my door?', 'Will my legs get weighed down with water?', 'How often am I going to have to pee?'...the questioning is endless.
It has gotten to the point that I dread going anywhere because, not only do I know that I am going to be exhausted with minimal activity, but I have also exhausted myself mentally before even leaving my home. It's very frustrating. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. Which is why I have become such a recluse.
The struggle that I face with dieting is that I hate restrictions but I need structure. I'm not quite sure how to make that work without pissing myself off. I haven't been able to. But...I have finally reached my breaking point. I CAN NOT live like this anymore. I am miserable E.V.E.R.Y.D.A.Y. in my body. I can't move. I can't do simple chores. I can't function like a normal person.
So...I am saying this now. A promise to me and a promise to my family.
My life as a "Fat Girl" is over! And, THAT'S no joke.
Tomorrow I start Physical Therapy to help gain strength again and I also start my Healthy Habits challenge. I have bought a Fitbit to help keep me moving. I start Nutrisystem next week, which will keep the think work out of dieting. I won't like the restrictions with food, but I'll LOVE the ease of not having to plan or count anything. It's a give and take right?? And, I need to see results quickly to keep me motivated. I have learned that I can't rely on myself to make smart decisions regarding my health. I am blessed to have a great support system and they frequently try to get involved to help in any way they can. I am the one that doesn't follow through or stay dedicated. But, that ends now.
Say Goodbye to "Funny Fat Girl" and Hello to the soon to be "Fat Free Funny Girl" or "Reduced Fat Funny Girl". Whichever suits your taste. :) The reduced fat may be more doable. lol. ;);)
I AM READY!!
Sunday, March 19, 2017
Wednesday, January 18, 2017
Finding my Normal
"When things get back to normal, I will start my diet."
"When things get back to normal, I will go to the gym."
"Once life slows down, I can focus on myself."
"I will start on Monday."
I have been saying these statements for over 20 years. I have started a diet on Monday hundreds of times. Why Monday?? Because it's usually the most dreaded day. So...why not?? Let's throw some more miserable into that day. But, really it's a way to appease the guilt I feel for not taking care of myself. "I'll start on Monday." In other words...it's ok to be bad today because 'I'll start taking care of myself later.' Well...how good has that worked for me so far?? It hasn't.
I have joined Weight Watchers dozens of times over the years and each time it's because 'I have GOT to do something about my weight'. So, I figure I will join a diet program and it will magically change who I am and the weight will melt off. I tend to forget that joining is just the first step, I have to actually follow the program and change my eating habits if I want to see results. I'm usually pretty good for a couple of weeks, then I get bored or frustrated and give up. The same goes for joining a gym or buying exercise equipment, they have to actually be used in order to see results. Right?
Unrealistic Expectations.
THIS is where I set myself up for failure.
"When things get back to normal, I will..." *fill in the blank* How many times have I said that? And honestly, what is normal?? Heck if I know. By saying this, it helps me feel better about slacking off. But really, it's just another excuse to put off something that I don't want to do. Everyday I imagine a stress free life where there are no unexpected hiccups to mess up my plans. I guess that's what I would view as normal. Boring. Uneventful. I long for that type of lifestyle because I do not function very well when I have too much on my plate. I get very overwhelmed and then I shut down. I don't like having all my days and evenings filled with activities. I believe in keeping my family active but not to the point where we are so rushed and busy that we can hardly even say hello to each other. I enjoy lazy days and evenings to watch movies, play games, go out to eat or just chill. That to me keeps everyone more well rounded and less anxious and creates happier memories than shuttling ourselves back and forth to anything and everything that we can be signed up for.
I think another reason that keeps me from really buckling down and sticking to a plan that includes activities is, fear of my activities interfering with other things that could come up. Now how is that for logic? LOL! I am more willing to throw away my plans than I am at saying no to someone in need. In some cases that's good I guess, but in the long run it's really hurting me. This is where putting myself first and sticking to my plan comes into play. I worry about how that will be portrayed to those around me. I don't like to appear selfish or unavailable, but I know that I need to be, in order to get myself back in shape. So, this is where I practice saying, "Sorry, I can't. I have plans to go to the gym." I know everyone will understand and be happy to hear it. I just HATE saying no to someone asking for my help or whatever it may be.
Building a better relationship with myself.
When I talk to any single person headed for marriage I counsel to them the importance of the 3 C's (one of my own formulas for a successful marriage, not that I'm an expert by any stretch of the means). The 3 C's are... Compassion, Communication and Compromise.
This formula is just as important in building a healthy relationship with myself as it is in keeping a healthy marriage. I think the hardest one of those would be compassion. How often am I faced with someone that is thinner, smarter, prettier, more talented at something? Everyday, multiple times usually. And each time, it deflates my mood a little. I think it is human nature to compare ourselves to those we admire. It gives us something to strive for I guess. But, it can also lead us into a continuous path of trying to be someone we're not. This is where compassion comes into play.
I'll give you an example...Pioneer Woman. I admire her tremendously. How I yearn to be so into providing such beautiful meals that are homemade and creative and so thoughtfully put together. Reality check. 1. What I am seeing is a TV show that is edited. Is this who she really is? To some degree yes. BUT...how often are these meals made?? Does she have cereal night? My point is, I can't beat myself up for not being her because I have NO idea what's actually going on behind the camera.
Same goes for social media, PTA moms, church moms, etc... We see a small glimpse into the lives of these individuals.
Do any of us like to post or advertise our short comings or bad days? Not usually. I'm not going to post a picture of the whole pizza and pint of ice cream I just ate. I'm going to post a picture of the most healthy meals or whenever I go to the gym. You know why? Because I'm proud of that and I want to share it. However...it paints a false picture of my day to day life. I screw up. I am not always a great role model to my kids. I yell. I rebel. I hate homework and I don't enforce it like I should. I say bad words and tell dirty jokes. We eat junk food and play on our phones WAY too much. I am human. I am not perfect. My point...don't assume those who we admire have their shit together. Be compassionate to your imperfections and be the best version of yourself.
Communication and Compromise. Once I have learned the compassion part, now it's time to have a heart to heart with myself. What are my goals? What am I truly capable of and WILLING to do? Be realistic. My initial response would be an "all or nothing" type of challenge. "I am going to eliminate ALL sugar and soda and fast food and work out EVERYDAY!" Ummm...NO. That's unrealistic. I know how pissy and moody I get when things are taken away. THIS is where compromise comes into play. I know I have to wean down on junk food, but I have to be compassionate to my sanity too. What can I handle giving up to start with? Should I start with eliminating one thing at a time or work on knocking down all junk food gradually? Should I exercise a little bit everyday or should I work out aggressively a few days a week? Communication, Compassion and Compromise will help answer those questions.
I will be 40 years old this year. I am actually quite excited about it. I look forward to each decade because it's like a new chapter in my life. How will this one be written? I am the author, so it's up to me. All I know is that my 30's were lived with lots of limitations due to my health and weight gain and I am not about to let another decade go by without living life to the fullest. Now that our kids are getting older and require less round the clock attention, I feel more at ease with spending more time on myself. I am excited to see what I am capable of. :)
"When things get back to normal, I will go to the gym."
"Once life slows down, I can focus on myself."
"I will start on Monday."
I have been saying these statements for over 20 years. I have started a diet on Monday hundreds of times. Why Monday?? Because it's usually the most dreaded day. So...why not?? Let's throw some more miserable into that day. But, really it's a way to appease the guilt I feel for not taking care of myself. "I'll start on Monday." In other words...it's ok to be bad today because 'I'll start taking care of myself later.' Well...how good has that worked for me so far?? It hasn't.
I have joined Weight Watchers dozens of times over the years and each time it's because 'I have GOT to do something about my weight'. So, I figure I will join a diet program and it will magically change who I am and the weight will melt off. I tend to forget that joining is just the first step, I have to actually follow the program and change my eating habits if I want to see results. I'm usually pretty good for a couple of weeks, then I get bored or frustrated and give up. The same goes for joining a gym or buying exercise equipment, they have to actually be used in order to see results. Right?
Unrealistic Expectations.
THIS is where I set myself up for failure.
"When things get back to normal, I will..." *fill in the blank* How many times have I said that? And honestly, what is normal?? Heck if I know. By saying this, it helps me feel better about slacking off. But really, it's just another excuse to put off something that I don't want to do. Everyday I imagine a stress free life where there are no unexpected hiccups to mess up my plans. I guess that's what I would view as normal. Boring. Uneventful. I long for that type of lifestyle because I do not function very well when I have too much on my plate. I get very overwhelmed and then I shut down. I don't like having all my days and evenings filled with activities. I believe in keeping my family active but not to the point where we are so rushed and busy that we can hardly even say hello to each other. I enjoy lazy days and evenings to watch movies, play games, go out to eat or just chill. That to me keeps everyone more well rounded and less anxious and creates happier memories than shuttling ourselves back and forth to anything and everything that we can be signed up for.
I think another reason that keeps me from really buckling down and sticking to a plan that includes activities is, fear of my activities interfering with other things that could come up. Now how is that for logic? LOL! I am more willing to throw away my plans than I am at saying no to someone in need. In some cases that's good I guess, but in the long run it's really hurting me. This is where putting myself first and sticking to my plan comes into play. I worry about how that will be portrayed to those around me. I don't like to appear selfish or unavailable, but I know that I need to be, in order to get myself back in shape. So, this is where I practice saying, "Sorry, I can't. I have plans to go to the gym." I know everyone will understand and be happy to hear it. I just HATE saying no to someone asking for my help or whatever it may be.
Building a better relationship with myself.
When I talk to any single person headed for marriage I counsel to them the importance of the 3 C's (one of my own formulas for a successful marriage, not that I'm an expert by any stretch of the means). The 3 C's are... Compassion, Communication and Compromise.
This formula is just as important in building a healthy relationship with myself as it is in keeping a healthy marriage. I think the hardest one of those would be compassion. How often am I faced with someone that is thinner, smarter, prettier, more talented at something? Everyday, multiple times usually. And each time, it deflates my mood a little. I think it is human nature to compare ourselves to those we admire. It gives us something to strive for I guess. But, it can also lead us into a continuous path of trying to be someone we're not. This is where compassion comes into play.
I'll give you an example...Pioneer Woman. I admire her tremendously. How I yearn to be so into providing such beautiful meals that are homemade and creative and so thoughtfully put together. Reality check. 1. What I am seeing is a TV show that is edited. Is this who she really is? To some degree yes. BUT...how often are these meals made?? Does she have cereal night? My point is, I can't beat myself up for not being her because I have NO idea what's actually going on behind the camera.
Same goes for social media, PTA moms, church moms, etc... We see a small glimpse into the lives of these individuals.
Do any of us like to post or advertise our short comings or bad days? Not usually. I'm not going to post a picture of the whole pizza and pint of ice cream I just ate. I'm going to post a picture of the most healthy meals or whenever I go to the gym. You know why? Because I'm proud of that and I want to share it. However...it paints a false picture of my day to day life. I screw up. I am not always a great role model to my kids. I yell. I rebel. I hate homework and I don't enforce it like I should. I say bad words and tell dirty jokes. We eat junk food and play on our phones WAY too much. I am human. I am not perfect. My point...don't assume those who we admire have their shit together. Be compassionate to your imperfections and be the best version of yourself.
Communication and Compromise. Once I have learned the compassion part, now it's time to have a heart to heart with myself. What are my goals? What am I truly capable of and WILLING to do? Be realistic. My initial response would be an "all or nothing" type of challenge. "I am going to eliminate ALL sugar and soda and fast food and work out EVERYDAY!" Ummm...NO. That's unrealistic. I know how pissy and moody I get when things are taken away. THIS is where compromise comes into play. I know I have to wean down on junk food, but I have to be compassionate to my sanity too. What can I handle giving up to start with? Should I start with eliminating one thing at a time or work on knocking down all junk food gradually? Should I exercise a little bit everyday or should I work out aggressively a few days a week? Communication, Compassion and Compromise will help answer those questions.
I will be 40 years old this year. I am actually quite excited about it. I look forward to each decade because it's like a new chapter in my life. How will this one be written? I am the author, so it's up to me. All I know is that my 30's were lived with lots of limitations due to my health and weight gain and I am not about to let another decade go by without living life to the fullest. Now that our kids are getting older and require less round the clock attention, I feel more at ease with spending more time on myself. I am excited to see what I am capable of. :)
Wednesday, October 19, 2016
Constant Mind Wars
It would be so nice to have a day where I'm am not constantly fighting with myself in my head about food, exercise and getting healthy again.
I am my own worst enemy.
In my head there is a continuous battle all day everyday. It's pretty exhausting. I seriously have to sit down with my eyes shut to calm the war. The dialogue changes but what remains the same are the feelings of disappointment, anger and disgust.
It's the same mind war that I have been fighting since high school, it has just become more guilt ridden and frequent over the years. "You shouldn't eat that." "You really should go to the gym every morning and get some exercise." "One more won't hurt." "I'll start my diet Monday." "You better do something or you won't live to see your kids grow up." And, I could go on and on. That last one, is the one that here recently I say most often.
"You better do something NOW or your kids will grow up without a mom, Mike will have to live without his soulmate and I will miss out on everything."
No matter how often I repeat this in my head, the pull of eating and doing nothing seems to win more times than not.
Why is that?? How is that possible??
Over the past couple of years, the consequences of my choices have become more and more apparent and debilitating. I am at an all time high in weight...a number that is humiliating and frightening. I have lost so much strength, mobility and flexibility to the point that I have become way too dependent on everyone I'm around and a hindrance where ever I go with anyone. I am missing out and my family is missing out on so many things because of what I have done to myself.
Over the past year I have had some health problems come up to where I needed to get different tests done. In the end, we have concluded that my heart is fine, my hormones are fine and I have no blood clots. Although, I am now on blood pressure medicine, but other than that, nothing new to report. The Adenoma that was discovered is still there and will be monitored closely to check for changes. As of now, it isn't affecting any functions of my Adrenal glands, which is good.
So now...what's my next step?
At my last doctor's visit, we discussed weight loss. Imagine that. And, he mentioned something called Binge Eating Disorder.
https://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/binge-eating-disorder
There are many things that I can relate to with this disorder. So it's definitely something that sparks my interest and gives me something to look into.
My doctor also suggested that I see a Psychiatrist. But...I'm not so keen about this. Not because I'm too proud or think that I don't have a problem. It's because of the fear of losing who I am.
Regardless of all the mind wars and frustrations that I have, I am a very happy and positive person. I don't feel that I suffer from depression. True, I get down on myself all the time about my constant need to make poor choices involving how I take care of myself. But beyond that, I don't want to change who I am.
My fear is that I will go to the Psychiatrist and they will pull out all of these issues that contribute to my problem causing me to feel even more screwed up than before. My fear is that I will BECOME depressed because of this extra baggage we've discovered, and then lose my happy self. My fear is that I will be put on some kind of medicine that will make me lifeless and emotionless.
I don't want my personality to change. I really do love myself (not in a conceited way) and how my personality impacts those that I am around in a positive way. I don't want to lose my sense of humor or my silliness. I am happy with who I am as a person.
However...on the flip side...I would LOVE to be rid of the mind wars and not be so obsessed with food. I would LOVE to have a clear head and be able to focus on other things and feel productive and satisfied with myself. But, how is that attainable without changing who I am? I just don't see it happening.
And, I am not someone that is interested in meditation or self praise exercises. I feel STUPID doing that and I can't take it serious. I hate group therapy because it's an hour long pity party surrounded by "Debbie Downers". I try to steer clear from negative energy. I know it's good to be around "my people" but it just brings me down more than it helps me.
I know I'm being difficult and not very open minded with this, but I've went down this road before and I didn't like it.
Honestly, what I need is a nutritionist and a personal trainer to help take the think work out of what I need to do. Plus it will hold me accountable. The one thing that helps me "see the light" is that lately I have been able to visualize myself in a body that is healthy and fit. I haven't been able to do that in a while. I am not interested in winning swimsuit competitions or marathons. I just want to be healthy, and be able to do the things physically that I can't do now, and be able to live a long life with Mike by my side and watch our kids grow old and have families of their own.
I have faith in myself that I will get a handle on this. All I can do now is choose the path that feels right and hold on.
I didn't call this the weight loss journey for nothing. It has just turned out to be the LONG frustrating journey with TONS of speed bumps and detours.
Time for my next stretch of winding roads...
I am my own worst enemy.
In my head there is a continuous battle all day everyday. It's pretty exhausting. I seriously have to sit down with my eyes shut to calm the war. The dialogue changes but what remains the same are the feelings of disappointment, anger and disgust.
It's the same mind war that I have been fighting since high school, it has just become more guilt ridden and frequent over the years. "You shouldn't eat that." "You really should go to the gym every morning and get some exercise." "One more won't hurt." "I'll start my diet Monday." "You better do something or you won't live to see your kids grow up." And, I could go on and on. That last one, is the one that here recently I say most often.
"You better do something NOW or your kids will grow up without a mom, Mike will have to live without his soulmate and I will miss out on everything."
No matter how often I repeat this in my head, the pull of eating and doing nothing seems to win more times than not.
Why is that?? How is that possible??
Over the past couple of years, the consequences of my choices have become more and more apparent and debilitating. I am at an all time high in weight...a number that is humiliating and frightening. I have lost so much strength, mobility and flexibility to the point that I have become way too dependent on everyone I'm around and a hindrance where ever I go with anyone. I am missing out and my family is missing out on so many things because of what I have done to myself.
Over the past year I have had some health problems come up to where I needed to get different tests done. In the end, we have concluded that my heart is fine, my hormones are fine and I have no blood clots. Although, I am now on blood pressure medicine, but other than that, nothing new to report. The Adenoma that was discovered is still there and will be monitored closely to check for changes. As of now, it isn't affecting any functions of my Adrenal glands, which is good.
So now...what's my next step?
At my last doctor's visit, we discussed weight loss. Imagine that. And, he mentioned something called Binge Eating Disorder.
https://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/binge-eating-disorder
There are many things that I can relate to with this disorder. So it's definitely something that sparks my interest and gives me something to look into.
My doctor also suggested that I see a Psychiatrist. But...I'm not so keen about this. Not because I'm too proud or think that I don't have a problem. It's because of the fear of losing who I am.
Regardless of all the mind wars and frustrations that I have, I am a very happy and positive person. I don't feel that I suffer from depression. True, I get down on myself all the time about my constant need to make poor choices involving how I take care of myself. But beyond that, I don't want to change who I am.
My fear is that I will go to the Psychiatrist and they will pull out all of these issues that contribute to my problem causing me to feel even more screwed up than before. My fear is that I will BECOME depressed because of this extra baggage we've discovered, and then lose my happy self. My fear is that I will be put on some kind of medicine that will make me lifeless and emotionless.
I don't want my personality to change. I really do love myself (not in a conceited way) and how my personality impacts those that I am around in a positive way. I don't want to lose my sense of humor or my silliness. I am happy with who I am as a person.
However...on the flip side...I would LOVE to be rid of the mind wars and not be so obsessed with food. I would LOVE to have a clear head and be able to focus on other things and feel productive and satisfied with myself. But, how is that attainable without changing who I am? I just don't see it happening.
And, I am not someone that is interested in meditation or self praise exercises. I feel STUPID doing that and I can't take it serious. I hate group therapy because it's an hour long pity party surrounded by "Debbie Downers". I try to steer clear from negative energy. I know it's good to be around "my people" but it just brings me down more than it helps me.
I know I'm being difficult and not very open minded with this, but I've went down this road before and I didn't like it.
Honestly, what I need is a nutritionist and a personal trainer to help take the think work out of what I need to do. Plus it will hold me accountable. The one thing that helps me "see the light" is that lately I have been able to visualize myself in a body that is healthy and fit. I haven't been able to do that in a while. I am not interested in winning swimsuit competitions or marathons. I just want to be healthy, and be able to do the things physically that I can't do now, and be able to live a long life with Mike by my side and watch our kids grow old and have families of their own.
I have faith in myself that I will get a handle on this. All I can do now is choose the path that feels right and hold on.
I didn't call this the weight loss journey for nothing. It has just turned out to be the LONG frustrating journey with TONS of speed bumps and detours.
Time for my next stretch of winding roads...
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