A tough choice to be made.

 

So many emotions lately. But...really...what's new?

"I want to do this naturally!" That has been my focus since I got serious about losing weight. I don't want surgery. I don't want to take pills. I don't want special foods or shakes. 

I did this to myself. I need to be responsible and take care of it myself. No quick fixes. No cheats.
I do have to say though, that I did much better than I expected for a lot longer than I expected. And, I honestly thought I was never going to fall back into my old habits again. Wrong.
I don't know what to do with myself. I am a smart person. I am not in denial that I have a problem. Yet, I can't seem to listen to my inner angel and make the smart choices that I need to.
Food is such a temptation.
I am slowly coming to terms that I may have to humble myself and look into the medical help that is available...surgery. Sigh.
I have such mixed feelings about this. I know that it will greatly help me lose weight. But...I am skeptical that it will fix the problem. My head. My thoughts. That's the problem. How will surgery help fix the underlying causes?? This is how I view it...surgery will just fix the symptoms of the problem.
I am at my wit's end. I have tried over and over to do this on my own. Is surgery the right choice?? I feel like I have failed myself. That I am not as strong as I thought I was. Why can't I do this??
Right now, I feel like I am in the worst condition of my life...very close to when I was pregnant with Sydney. All of the "small victories" that I had during the year of losing weight, have now crept back into my life. I am uncomfortable, ashamed, out of shape, disappointed and disgusted with where I am at physically right now.
Because of my Diabetes, I get regular blood work done and see my doctor every 3 months. The main numbers that they watch for are my blood sugar levels and the A1c number. The A1c needs to be under 7.0 to be considered a controlled Diabetic and under 6.0 to be out of the woods. Last year around this time my A1c was 6.7...which was pretty good. But...then I got burnt out, fell off the wagon and started losing control. By the fall, my A1c was 8.1. Huge jump in a matter of 6 or so months. I just had my blood test again this month and my A1c jumped again to 8.7. NOT good. I have now been put on an additional medicine...which I hate medicine...in hopes to get this under control. If I can't...insulin is in my future. I can't believe I let it get to this.
This is why I am seriously considering surgery.
I am not getting any younger. The longer that I have all this weight on my bones/joints and the longer that my blood sugar levels remain high...the more irreversible the damage will be to my body.
I just keep thinking about my kids, my husband, my parents. They need me. And, I want to be around a long, long time. I LOVE life. I love MY life. I am so blessed in so many ways. I really want to make the smart choice. The right choice.
I keep telling myself..."I can do this! I know I can do this! I don't need "the quick fix"." But then...I have a bad day...or a good day. It doesn't matter. It's food...I need food to fix it or to celebrate. Whatever the occasion or mood or emotion or stress...food is the answer! How do I stop that way of thinking. Can I? Or do I just learn to ignore it?
Will my thoughts towards food change when I lose a bunch of weight and really start seeing a new body? Honestly, when I lost 85 lbs...I still didn't see much of a new body. Sure I was thinner, but I still had a lot of "obese" issues. So it gets me wondering...how much weight do I need to lose for my way of thinking to change? Or will it?
I am at a loss...I don't know what to do.
I have been told about Overeaters Anonymous and the LDS Addiction Program, but I don't want to do either of those. It feels like negative energy "Poor me" stories for an hour. Sure I'm with "my people" but I get so annoyed being there. Same with Weight Watchers. I'd have to hear these idiotic stories of how these people would eat terrible but they still stayed in their points...and then they get upset that they didn't lose weight. Uh..duh! Really?? At least I know that my choices are what's keeping me from losing and I'm not oblivious to my own screw-ups. I just can't seem to tell myself no. I'm not used to hearing that word...and I really don't like it.
I know...I know...I'm being a brat and immature and silly. But...you know what...I'm frustrated. I want this to go away. And, I know it won't.
So...that brings me back to the reality of the fact that I have got to do something whether I like it or not. Before I do any more damage to my health and body.
Ugh. Tough choices.
Can I suck it up and get the job done on my terms? Can I be strong enough to say no and force myself to do things that I don't particularly like?
Or...
Do I take advantage of the medical advances that will help speed this along and potentially be the tool that is necessary to succeed?
Either way...it's going to take hard work and lots of self-discipline to do this. And, I've never been good with self-discipline...which is a big part of why I'm in this predicament.

Time to vent. Simple Goals and Dreams of a Fat Girl...Volume 5.

It's time to vent.
I need to quit my bitchin' and put my words and desires into action.
Should...should...should.
It's a dangerous word that I use way too often!
I should go to the park after I drop off kids and walk. I should go to the gym and swim laps. I should plan out all my snacks and prep them so they're ready to go. I should go to bed early. I should stop drinking soda. I should unglue myself from the computer.
Should...should...should.
I should stop saying "should" and start saying "will". I mean...if it's something that I desire, then why not make it happen? Right?
Let me give you a small glimpse of my mental dialogue. "It's too hard." "I can't imagine myself being able to do that." "I've done it for so long that I won't know how to function otherwise." "It'll be ok. I don't need to eat super healthy. I'm doing just fine." "My family will wonder what's wrong with me if I start acting all different and start changing everything." "Oh...I won't follow through with it anyway, so why start?"
There are so many things that I want to change, but my constant self doubt and negativity is not making it possible to do so. Am I afraid of change? It appears so. Maybe I just don't know how to change or where to begin. That's probably more like it.
I have tasted success and loved it. But...I couldn't maintain it. The lifestyle I chose was too much out of my comfort zone. I freaked out and took an extreme nose dive.
Where do I go from here? What is the route that I need to take to get healthy and still be happy?
I just don't know.
So...I've been doing absolutely nothing instead. In fact, the stress of it all is making me so angry and bitter that I am doing worse now than I ever have. I feel awful...I feel tired...I feel HUGE...I feel unmotivated. All.The.Time. This is not the life I want to live. I am miserable and I am having a hard time turning myself around.

I usually consider myself a very optimistic person. And that could be my problem. I am optimistic that everything will be fine, even if I don't change a thing. I'm living in a fantasy world. I am fooling myself because deep down inside I know what I need to do. I just don't want to.

To make matters worse, I over complicate everything. What may seem like a simple task for some is a major headache for me. I can't just make a meal plan that is "busy schedule" friendly. No...I have to research new recipes for hours...plan out these big meals and think that it will work with our lifestyle. WRONG. We're busy. Plain and simple. And, I need to plan our meals with that in mind.

Plus, I have to have a million and one projects going on at the same time and then I don't finish any of them. My mind is overloaded with "Oh...I should do this!!" (There's that word again. See...it's evil.) All these projects take so much time and energy away from the things that are really important.

Over the past couple of months, I've had a few eye opening moments. The most frustrating one is the fact that doing any kind of physical activity is SO draining and exhausting. It's very depressing and disappointing that at 36 years old, I am in this condition. It shouldn't be this way.

So...here is my promise. It's a promise to myself and all those I love and love me. I WILL fix this. I may say that I don't know what to do...but I do. I just didn't want to.

Here are some simple steps on how to stay sane and not get overwhelmed so much. Just focus on getting healthy on the inside and out.

1. Eat Less

2. Move more

3. Get enough sleep

4. Keep things simple

5. Don't start a new project until the last one is finished

6. Share the load...kids are part of the household too and they should contribute to the upkeep of it.

7. SMILE. LAUGH. Enjoy life.

8. Sit and read a book. Escape for awhile.

9. Go outside and get fresh air

10. Go on weekly dates with your spouse, your kids, your friends. Any one of them or sometimes all of them.

11. Most importantly...VENT!! We all keep things bottled up for so many reasons. We don't want to burden anyone...we don't feel it's an important problem...we think we can handle it on our own. Well, you know what...I always feel better when I have had a good cry or bitch session with someone that I love and that will still love me know matter how messed up in the head I am! ;)

Now...I am on a mission to turn myself around...and I don't mean by doing the Hokey Pokey. :D
With that being said...I feel I have reached a point...again...where I need to state the reasons as to why I must turn myself around. So...here it is...
The Simple Goals and Dreams of a Fat Girl...Volume 5
1. I want to get on an airplane without having to use the seat belt extension. I did it once not long ago...I can do it again.
2. I want to go places without having anxiety attacks about seating and if I'll fit.
3. I want to feel attractive to my husband.
4. I don't want to embarrass my kids by being the "Fat Mom".
5. I want to climb up the stairs without needing the handrail and getting winded.
6. I want to not think about food every second of the day.
7. I don't want to hear "I'm worried about you." anymore.
8. I want to be able to get up and down off the floor with ease.
9. I want to feel graceful again and not so clumsy and awkward because of my size.
10. I want to find a short sleeve shirt that doesn't squeeze the crap out of my arm and show off all my fatness.
11. I want to get out of bed without feeling like an 80 year old woman.
12. I want to see my jawline, my kneecaps, my ankle bones and my cheekbones again.
13. I want to be the one that takes the kids on the rides.
14. I want to have the stamina to do activities without having to sit down and rest so much.
15. I don't want to be the round stick figure in my kids' drawings.
16. I want to be proud of myself and not so critical all the time.
17. I want to make choices that I can be proud of myself for.
18. I want to teach my kids how to live a healthy life.
19. I want to sleep without the ever so attractive "Darth Vader" mask. I know that Mike is a huge Star Wars fan...but it kinda takes away from the "Hey...baby!' mood. LOL! TMI...
Last but not least....
20. I want to be able to write this list with new goals and dreams...and not the same ones all the time.
But...I guess...
Slow and steady...wins the race. Right? Well...I've taken a couple of long breaks... and now it's time to get headed back to that finish line.

 

Loving Myself

 

 

Have you ever looked in the mirror and were just disgusted with what you saw? I have.

When I find myself having those thoughts, I have to stop and take a moment and look beyond the reflection and find the beauty within.

We shouldn't focus on "Do I like what I see?" Young beauty fades. We get older and our face, our hair and our body changes. That's life. I don't look 17 years old anymore and I won't ever again. My face is getting wrinkled, my hair is getting grey and my body is...well...we won't go there. ;) This can sometimes be a hard reality to accept.

Lately, when I look in the mirror it is especially hard for me because I know what I have done to my body over the past year and it pisses me off. And...it's nobody's fault but my own. But, I have to look past that and not get in a mindset of hating myself or beating myself up because that will not help me turn things around. It's near impossible to find the motivation and desire to make something better if you don't love it. Which is why it's important for me to look in the mirror and find the things that I love. When we love something, we take better care of it.

I think it is very important to take some time and think about all the things you love about yourself. It will be a sure mood lifter and it will put things into better perspective as to what is really important. It's not about having flawless skin...it's not about having a "Barbie" body...it's not about being able to know the answer to every question...it's not about being the "best" mom with the "best" kids. All of these things...and much more...put an unnecessary stress on all of us because we are trying to reach this unrealistic expectation.

The media doesn't help either. I feel so sorry for all of our kids...boys and girls...that are growing up with all this garbage thrown at them of how they are supposed to look and act. It's ridiculous!! It puts so much pressure on our kids to live up to these images and if they fall short, they are teased and bullied. But, since I can't control what other kids do or say, I have to teach my kids how to respond. I tell them that we will always be in a minority in some form or fashion, whether it be because of weight, race, intelligence, height...whatever. There will always be something that someone will make fun of, whether it's your name, hair color, clothes, how you speak, how you walk, etc...kids will find something. Not all kids, but some. I don't sugar coat much with my kids. I lay it all out there. If they know what to expect, they are better equipped on how to handle themselves and the situation. I tell them that they are perfect the way that God made them and to not let what others do or say bring them down. Stand strong in what they know is right...their true friends will respect that and follow their example.

As a mom, it is easy to preach this to my kids because I've lived it. I know what it's like to be teased. And, I was able to let it roll off my shoulders most of the time and bring humor to the situation. Honestly...I am the one who is my biggest "bully" and critic. We are our own worst enemies, right?? Everyday I beat myself up over something. It's usually about food, but not always. If it's not about food, it's about "Am I doing enough?". Am I reading enough to my kids...am I doing enough housework to feel like I've contributed to my "job" as a stay at home mom...am I providing enough service to those I care about...am I spending enough time with my kids...the list go on and on. And, usually...in my mind...the answer is No. I believe that we all think that we should/could do more. 

Two years ago I had a couple of sessions with a life coach and what he said stuck with me. I don't always follow what he said, but it's always in the back of my mind. I made a statement to him saying that I get mad at myself when I don't get everything done. What I meant by that was...when I set a goal for myself, I will usually underestimate the time needed and the difficulty of it. So then I won't be able to finish what I started. And, this frequently leads to feelings of inadequacy and frustration. What the life coach said was, "What is everything?" I was totally dumbfounded. I couldn't answer him because I didn't know. I mean..."everything" changes based on the task at hand. And, what he helped me realize was that there is no "everything" because the task or goal is constantly changing/evolving. Therefore I am setting myself up for "failure" without realizing it. What he said struck a chord so I now end up redirecting my thoughts to this conversation all the time. It helps to keep my head clear and my expectations achievable.

So...in honor of Valentine's Day...which quite honestly, is just another day to me...I am going to show a little love to myself. I have done this before, but I feel it's time to do it again. :)

Top 10 Things I Love About Myself  (in no particular order)

1. I love that I usually have a smile on my face and I am in a good mood most of the time.

2. I love that I am level-headed and can look a situation and examine all sides of the story.

3. I love that I am approachable and people feel at ease talking to me.

4. I love that I'm witty and can come up with comebacks right away.

5. I love that I have a great imagination which allows me to be creative in many things.

6. I love that I am easygoing because it helps to keep the peace quite often.

7. I love that I am honest and looked to for advice because of this...I'm not always good with tact though. :) 

8. I love that I can cheer people up and make them laugh.

9. I love that I am a kind person with a big heart.

10. I love that I can always find the positive in any situation and can keep an optimistic attitude.

Top 10 Things I Love About My Appearance 

Hey...even though beauty is on the inside, we can still acknowledge the beauty on the outside. So this is what I find beautiful...not the media. ;) 

1. I love my big lips...they are nicely proportioned.

2. I love my curly hair...cute little ringlets.

3. I love my big eyes and the color of them. Hazel eyes are beautiful too. :)

4. I love the little wrinkles that I have recently acquired when I smile.

5. I love my skin and how nicely it tans in the summer.

6. I love my fingernails because they are strong and grow prettier than fake nails.

7. I love that my body is curvy and has a nice shape (not at the moment, but it's there!)

8. I love that I have a carefree and fun style.

9. I love my pinky fingers because they are crooked...it adds character to my hands.

10. I love that when all is well...I am quite the looker! LOL! ;)

So...there it is. Cheesey, I know...kinda feels borderline conceited. But...still fun to do! I challenge each of you to do the same! Show a little love to yourself...you're worth it!!