So many emotions lately. But...really...what's new?
"I want to do this naturally!" That has been my focus since I got serious about losing weight. I don't want surgery. I don't want to take pills. I don't want special foods or shakes.
I did this to myself. I need to be responsible and take care of it myself. No quick fixes. No cheats.I do have to say though, that I did much better than I expected for a lot longer than I expected. And, I honestly thought I was never going to fall back into my old habits again. Wrong.
I don't know what to do with myself. I am a smart person. I am not in denial that I have a problem. Yet, I can't seem to listen to my inner angel and make the smart choices that I need to.
Food is such a temptation.
I am slowly coming to terms that I may have to humble myself and look into the medical help that is available...surgery. Sigh.
I have such mixed feelings about this. I know that it will greatly help me lose weight. But...I am skeptical that it will fix the problem. My head. My thoughts. That's the problem. How will surgery help fix the underlying causes?? This is how I view it...surgery will just fix the symptoms of the problem.
I am at my wit's end. I have tried over and over to do this on my own. Is surgery the right choice?? I feel like I have failed myself. That I am not as strong as I thought I was. Why can't I do this??
Right now, I feel like I am in the worst condition of my life...very close to when I was pregnant with Sydney. All of the "small victories" that I had during the year of losing weight, have now crept back into my life. I am uncomfortable, ashamed, out of shape, disappointed and disgusted with where I am at physically right now.
Because of my Diabetes, I get regular blood work done and see my doctor every 3 months. The main numbers that they watch for are my blood sugar levels and the A1c number. The A1c needs to be under 7.0 to be considered a controlled Diabetic and under 6.0 to be out of the woods. Last year around this time my A1c was 6.7...which was pretty good. But...then I got burnt out, fell off the wagon and started losing control. By the fall, my A1c was 8.1. Huge jump in a matter of 6 or so months. I just had my blood test again this month and my A1c jumped again to 8.7. NOT good. I have now been put on an additional medicine...which I hate medicine...in hopes to get this under control. If I can't...insulin is in my future. I can't believe I let it get to this.
This is why I am seriously considering surgery.
I am not getting any younger. The longer that I have all this weight on my bones/joints and the longer that my blood sugar levels remain high...the more irreversible the damage will be to my body.
I just keep thinking about my kids, my husband, my parents. They need me. And, I want to be around a long, long time. I LOVE life. I love MY life. I am so blessed in so many ways. I really want to make the smart choice. The right choice.
I keep telling myself..."I can do this! I know I can do this! I don't need "the quick fix"." But then...I have a bad day...or a good day. It doesn't matter. It's food...I need food to fix it or to celebrate. Whatever the occasion or mood or emotion or stress...food is the answer! How do I stop that way of thinking. Can I? Or do I just learn to ignore it?
Will my thoughts towards food change when I lose a bunch of weight and really start seeing a new body? Honestly, when I lost 85 lbs...I still didn't see much of a new body. Sure I was thinner, but I still had a lot of "obese" issues. So it gets me wondering...how much weight do I need to lose for my way of thinking to change? Or will it?
I am at a loss...I don't know what to do.
I have been told about Overeaters Anonymous and the LDS Addiction Program, but I don't want to do either of those. It feels like negative energy "Poor me" stories for an hour. Sure I'm with "my people" but I get so annoyed being there. Same with Weight Watchers. I'd have to hear these idiotic stories of how these people would eat terrible but they still stayed in their points...and then they get upset that they didn't lose weight. Uh..duh! Really?? At least I know that my choices are what's keeping me from losing and I'm not oblivious to my own screw-ups. I just can't seem to tell myself no. I'm not used to hearing that word...and I really don't like it.
I know...I know...I'm being a brat and immature and silly. But...you know what...I'm frustrated. I want this to go away. And, I know it won't.
So...that brings me back to the reality of the fact that I have got to do something whether I like it or not. Before I do any more damage to my health and body.
Ugh. Tough choices.
Can I suck it up and get the job done on my terms? Can I be strong enough to say no and force myself to do things that I don't particularly like?
Or...
Do I take advantage of the medical advances that will help speed this along and potentially be the tool that is necessary to succeed?
Either way...it's going to take hard work and lots of self-discipline to do this. And, I've never been good with self-discipline...which is a big part of why I'm in this predicament.
5 comments:
I think you nailed it on the head when you said, surgery will only help the symptoms, it doesn't solve the problem. Unless you can control your mind, surgery won't help much. It WILL help, don't get me wrong. But not in the way you want. If anything it will just make you miserable. You shouldn't have to be miserable or constantly feeling like a failure. You are too fun and carefree for that. In order for surgery to work though,you will still need to be able to have the mental self control to allow for the surgery to work. I don't think cutting out things entirely is the answer. I know I can't or I go crazy. I think it is a matter of making sure you allow yourself enjoyment but keeping within reason. Limit, but don't eliminate. Find exercise you enjoy. Maybe that is only walking with friends, but it is something...better than nothing. It's finding that balance. (I know easier said than done). I think it is baby steps too. Evaluate what you need to limit and then limit it slowly. For example say you eat out 7 times a week. Move it to 5 days a week to start. Then after a month take another day away. Until you get it down to 1 or 2 days. Don't try to do too much at once because then it just becomes burdensome. Once you get into a regular habit you are happy with and the pounds start falling off and you can maintain that for a year. Then I would consider surgery. HUGS! I love you know matter. I know you are concerned for your health which is legit but don't try to do too much too fast. That is my two cents. Try not to be too hard on yourself.
I have to agree with you that the surgery does not fix the underlying problem. BUT it might help you get to a point of controlling the underlying problems. That is a really tough question! A possible route might be to give yourself a realistic goal and a deadline. If that deadline is not met then do the surgery. ???? If you don't want to physically go to the LDS Addiction Recovery meetings they info is available online or in the Gospel Library App (http://addictionrecovery.lds.org/steps?lang=eng) The online info doesn't go deep into specific addictions. It is just the general 12 step program. It is a really good program. You could have an accountability partner, a sponsor if you will. Or just use the blog as you check in place. I only say that because the meetings give you a place to be held accountable. It doesn't matter how good a program is if you don't hold yourself accountable to finish the program. I wish I had all the right answers for you! Whatever route you do end up going with just know that you are loved by all of those around you. There is no judgement just love. We are all here to support you in any way you may need it. Love you!
I agree with Ruth. And can I just say that my proofreading skills aren't all that stellar this late at night. LOL.
I have lots of thoughts on the subject. It has a lot to do with "mental health" and might surprise you! I NEED you to be around to raise your family and partner my brother. I'm getting more info and will be calling you! love you sis.
I'm so sorry, Jill that you didn't get the blood sugar readings that you had hoped for. Good luck as you decide whether or not get surgery. I know a couple of girls who have undergone that kind of surgery and they became very sick a few weeks after their procedures. Hopefully, your experience would be different if you decide to go that route! Love ya!
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