I've heard that quite often. But, you know what...it's not true.
I am hurting lots of people.
I think the guilt of that is sometimes worse than anything.
My husband and I have a goal to take one big vacation every summer with our kids. We have planned, that next year we will go to Disneyworld and the following will be an RV trip through Yellowstone or Yosemite...or something along those lines. And...you know what my first thought was? "That is going to be SO exhausting." Then I had a multitude of other thoughts/questions running through my mind. "How am I going to do all that walking?" "How am I going to do any kind of hiking?" "How will I fit on any of the rides?" "Will I fit in the RV?" "How on earth am I going to use the toilet or the shower in the RV?!?" And, those are just a few of the worries/fears that I have.
Right now, my size runs and ruins my life. It affects everyone in it. Not just me. "You're only hurting yourself." No, I'm not. I am slowing down everyone in it...I am making everyone worry...I am not physically able to play with my kids the way that I want...I am holding us back from doing a lot of activities. Even though I have never been a very active, outdoorsy person, I do like to have fun. I enjoy sports and exploring and hiking around whenever I go to the mountains or Red Rock. But, I can't enjoy any of those things right now and I see lots of disappointed expressions because of it.
Everywhere I go, my size is the first thing on my mind. I'm sure I make more of a big deal about it than everyone else does, but we always tend to worry most about what we're most insecure about. Right?? For me it's my size...for some it's height or intelligence or just a bad haircut. But, whatever that insecurity may be...it is a HUGE deal for the person with it.
You know...I think what upsets me the most is...that I have been complaining and bitching about the same thing for over 10 years. And, I just keep getting in worse and worse shape. Sure, I had a year or so that I was doing great, but that ended abruptly and took a drastic nosedive, leaving me feeling miserable emotionally and physically. I am on more medicine than I have ever been...my sugar levels are out of control...and the water retention in my legs make it a huge struggle to move and be comfortable.
You can't imagine how mentally and emotionally exhausting it is to be in a mind war with yourself every second of the day about food...about exercise...about setting a good example...about having to explain why I am the way that I am. Or...just the embarrassment of being around thin people or my kids' friends. The last thing I want is giggling...I know that I am 36 years old...but it still hurts. I still react as if people are laughing at me and poking fun. I hate it.
One thing that I have always lacked my entire life is passion...motivation...determination. I am a quitter and an empty promise maker. Yes...I know that's pretty brutal, but it's quite accurate. Not 100% of the time, but if it involves only myself...it's pretty close. I am easy going to the point that I let things go fairly quickly. I don't hold grudges...I get over it. I will get all excited or riled up about something and in a matter of minutes...it's no big deal anymore. I am VERY impulsive and I act/speak before I think all the time. And, because of these wonderful qualities **insert sarcasm** it has made it very hard for me to follow through with anything. I lose interest...get bored...get frustrated, so then I'm ready to move on. If I were given a wish it would be, to have the gift of sticking to what I put my mind to. Having that drive and determination to see it through to the end. I have A LOT of unfinished projects and one of them is me.
Even though, I don't have that day to day determination, I do have that gut feeling that in time I will see this through to the end. As I've said before, this is a journey unlike what I expected. I still have a lot of learning to do.
I really try to be more positive than this, so please forgive me...I know I've been pretty negative lately. But...I like to keep it real. I try and try to pump myself up and say it's going to be ok. But...there are some days that I just get fed up. I need a good cry. I need to wallow in self pity a little bit. So...I do. And that's ok...because you know why? I get over things quickly. ;)
See...there are some advantages to having that wonderful quality.
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