Diabetic Denial

Diabetes.
This is a word that I heard when I was 29 years old and pregnant with Sydney. I was diagnosed with Gestational Diabetes when I was pregnant with her. I took the diagnosis seriously and took care of myself accordingly. I didn't quite understand it, but the doctor told me what I needed to do, so I did it. I was 320 lbs when I got pregnant with her and that was a huge concern because I knew that I wasn't in the best condition to be carrying and nourishing a growing baby. It was a very tough pregnancy for me...worse than being pregnant with twins. My whole body bloated up with water during the first trimester, to the point that when I would get a scratch on my leg, it would ooze water and not blood. I was then diagnosed with Sleep Apnea and Gestational Diabetes during the second trimester. Huge adjustment. I had to start taking my blood sugar several times a day...force myself to eat right...sleep in a recliner because I was so stiff with water retention and had to get used to wearing that awful face mask. It was a very uncomfortable and miserable pregnancy.
The only reason that I took the diagnosis of Gestational Diabetes seriously was because of Sydney...not me...her. I didn't want anything to harm her. I, myself, was invincible, regardless of my weight. So I thought. I had no clue of the severity of Diabetes and I honestly, had no desire to research it. Once, I delivered Sydney, I went back to my old habits.
I have been a very healthy person my whole life. I don't get many colds or the flu or anything like that. I don't overreact to a lot of things. I am a believer in "everything will work out and be just fine". I don't go to the doctor immediately when I feel icky, I give my body a chance to heal itself. I don't agree with bathing myself in hand sanitizer, but I do believe in staying clean and washing my hands a lot. I think it's good to roll in the dirt, occasionally get sneezed on and live by the 5 second rule (not with everything though)...it builds the immune system and makes the body tougher. These are just MY beliefs...whether they're wrong or right.
I was diagnosed with Type 2 Diabetes when I was 30 years old. And, that diagnosis had absolutely NO impact on the way I lived my life. I was in complete denial that it was anything to be worried about. I went about my life as if it wasn't even talked about. I had no clue what it was, what it could do or how I needed to take care of it and I didn't care. Because...I don't get sick...I don't get affected by anything. Complete denial.
This year I have been struggling with all kinds of things. And, I have been searching for answers, trying to figure out what is going on. I have seen 2 different doctors and taken blood tests, urine tests, saliva tests, ultrasounds, etc., in hopes of finding something to explain why I'm feeling like crap all the time. I just recently got the results of my most recent blood work and ultrasound, and I was trying to decipher it myself with the help of my SIL and MIL. There were a couple of minor things that weren't much of a concern. But...the ONE thing that shocked me, was how much my A1C increased since February. The A1C is a number that shows how the blood sugar averages during a 3 month period. I'm not sure how it works, all I know is I have it tested every 3 months. When I was first diagnosed it was around 8.0, the goal is for it to be under 6.0. Over the past 6 years it has gradually went down or maintained. In February, it was at 6.7, which was good because under 7.0 is considered 'controlled diabetes', but medicine is still necessary. When I read the results of this past blood test, my A1C went from 6.7 to 8.1. That is a huge jump in 9 months!
When I saw that, it really worried me and helped me finally understand the severity of this disease. I think that everything that I have been going through this year was triggered by the fact that my blood sugar has been constantly high. I have always known that my mood changes when my blood sugar does, but...I just lived with the moods because I didn't want to change. I think my body has finally had it with the abuse that I have been giving it for so long. I still haven't seen the doctor to officially get the results and findings of my blood work, but I am fairly certain that once I get my Diabetes under control, I will feel like myself again. I do have a feeling that my medicine will need to be adjusted to help control it better, but diet and exercise are the keys factors.
When I was losing my weight last year, I was really disappointed when my A1C number didn't go down that much. That is why I think my medicine isn't as effective as it should be.
Unfortunately, I fell off the wagon big time this year and have forced myself to start from ground zero again. But...I have to look on the bright side and understand that making mistakes is necessary to learn what not to do. I am now looking at this journey through different eyes and addressing the main issue that will better my life, health and waistline. Diabetes. When I get that under control, it will make a huge impact on everything else...my weight, my emotions, my focus, my memory, my energy and many others things.
Honestly, I feel so dumb! It's like..."Duh! Hello?!? Nice of you to finally clue in and get the picture! What has everyone been telling you for years??" Apparently, I'm a little stubborn.
Trust me...I now know that I have been a complete idiot and fool to turn my head the other way and pretend I don't have this disease. But...that all changes now. I am tired of being tired...I am tired of being fat...I am tired of having aches and pains...and I am terrified of dying young.
I am pleased to report that I have been a good Diabetic over the past week or so and have kept track of my sugar levels. When I started, they were averaging over 200 (it needs to be under 130). Now they are considerably lower, but still higher than 130 most of the time. So, I'm working on it. I have been feeling much better though, not perfect, but much better. Again...it's a lifestyle change and this one is for health, not weight loss. Although...I'm sure weight loss will happen once I get on a food plan to control my Diabetes. I have also started taking Wellbutrin, which is an anti-depressant/anti-anxiety/ADD drug and I have noticed a calmness in my moods. I'm not so on edge and irritable everyday. I don't feel like I need to have everything done yesterday. So, that is very nice.
All in all...I am on the right path to where I want to be. :)
Patience...Compassion...Simplicity. Three words that I have to remind myself of daily.
Have patience with change. Be compassionate with bad days. Keep things simple.