Keeping it real and being honest with myself.

Why is it so easy to tell everyone else what they should be doing and eating, but not myself?
Let me rephrase that. Why is it that I expect them to LISTEN and DO IT, but it's OK if I don't?
Story of my life.
Here's a little glimpse into the life of Jill.
I live day to day complaining about how much weight I've gained and keep gaining. I complain about how hard it is to do anything anymore. I complain about how crappy I feel all the time, and how tired I am. I complain about how I can't do the fun things that I used to. I complain about being uncomfortable all the time and how my body is always achy.
And, what do I do about it?? Nothing. I just complain.
Why?
There are several reasons.
1. I don't like change.
2. I love food.
3. I hate exercise.
4. I like to complain (?)... not usually. But lately, I sure do.
The idea of change is terrifying. And, that is exactly what I have to do in order to stop these complaints.
This is me in a nutshell. The not so wonderful characteristics of me.
I live in a world of denial. I refuse to accept that things are more serious than I want them to be or think they are. I am an "unrealistic optimist" (self-titled). Everything will be fine...it will work itself out. I convince that to myself in order to disguise the reality.
I am the "QUEEN of Over's" (again...self-titled). I am an "over" eater, "over" complicater, "over" analyzer, "over" thinker, "over"ly sensitive, "over"ly compulsive and impulsive, "over" worrier... and I'm sure there are many other "over"s.
I am an "All or Nothing" type of person. Either I do it ALL perfectly or I am a failure. I want to go from zero to 100 every time. Go big or go home. I beat myself up over everything. "I should have done more...I could've done better". And, I really don't like taking small steps because I want INSTANT gratification!
I am a "Highly Sensitive Person". Yes...there is such a thing. I am sensitive to people's tone of voice, facial expressions, body language...I will worry if they are upset or sad even if they're not. I apologize a lot because I worry that I upset them somehow. I don't know why or how...but I'm sure it was me. I worry that people think badly of me or are disappointed in me. I am bothered by noise, especially repetitious noises. I hear it IMMEDIATELY and it must stop NOW. Let's face it...I hate repetition all together. I am bothered by smell...a smell can instantly give me a headache. My mood can change on a dime by what someone does or says. Because of these sensitivities, I feel on edge most of the time.
The reason I am stating all of this is because all of these characteristics are some of the reasons that I am where I am today. Unhealthy and unhappy with myself and my condition.
The saying that I have ALL over my house and the one I am drawn to a lot is "Keep it Simple".
Because I know that is the one thing I need to work on the most.
I have to take a step back quite often and ask myself if I am making a mountain out of a molehill? Am I creating false accusations in my head based on my emotional perception of nothing? Am I working myself into a tizzy over something minute? Am I bullying myself for not doing more instead of praising myself for doing something?


Overall...as you can clearly tell by me "over" questioning my own thoughts... that it can be quite exhausting to live in my head.
There has been an intervention
 of sorts recently showing concern for my health. And, it's understandable. I have went downhill rather quickly over the past few years...in particular, this past year. I am not blind to that. But, what's not understood is that it isn't an easy fix. There are a lot of outside factors that come into play in addition to my own actions. I am easily distracted. I am easily persuaded. I am quick to give in. I am easily tempted. It isn't just a fix that I need to do...all of the people in my life that I am with regularly need to be my strength just as much as I need to have the strength myself. I can't do this alone. I understand that it is my battle to overcome and that I am the one who got myself into this situation and I am the one responsible for making the effort to change. But, I can't do this alone. I've tried. And tried.
The problem with that is...I am a very independent person. But, recently I have become very dependent on others to help me with things that I used to do on my own. This has been a hard and frustrating adjustment. But...there are still certain things within this journey that I want to do alone and need to do alone. Exercising is one of those things. I am someone that needs music blaring in my ears or around me in order to get motivated and get the energy to move. Since I am so easily distracted, music blaring is the one thing that drowns out all outside distractions. It makes exercising so much more enjoyable for me.
Over the years, I have learned a lot about myself. And, the battle I face is in my head. Because of all of those characteristics above, it makes it that much harder for me to make changes. It is a day to day struggle and it will always be that way.
It doesn't mean that I am giving up. Far from it. I have way TOO much to live for but if I continue down this path, I won't live as long as I want to.
Right now, I am just miserable in my own body. I hate feeling this way. It has been manageable for a long time and easier to overlook and convince myself that all is fine. But, it's become such a burden...so much more than before. I am noticing other problems coming up now both mental and physical. And that really scares me.
With that being said, here is my promise to my loved ones and myself...
I will fix this. I will make better choices and think about what my actions are doing to my body, my mind and everyone that is counting on me to be around for a long time. All I ask is to just please continue to be patient with me. I will do this.
Sorry this is a downer post. But...I'm just keeping it real. And, I've been told that being honest is one of my finer qualities.
Keep it simple...Keep it real...Be patient...Be compassionate...Don't give up

The Power of Positive Thinking

How do you change the self-talk and inner dialogue that you have done with yourself for years and years??

It's possible. Not easy, but possible.

You don't realize how awful you speak to yourself until you actually take the time to listen and hear what you say.
When you look at yourself in the mirror...what is your inner dialogue? What are you mentally telling yourself? Now...think about those thoughts and ask yourself, "Would I say these things to my child or someone I love?" The answer will most likely be "No." So...why do we say these things to ourselves??

The reason that I do, is because I am not happy with how I have let myself go over the years. Disgusted, is probably more accurate. So a natural response is to be critical, and then speak very unkindly to that reflection. But...cutting myself down and speaking negatively will not help me change that reflection. I think of it like this...what is the best way to motivate me? Answer: I respond best to positive reinforcement, praise and kind words of encouragement. Which is exactly what I would do for my kids or anyone else feeling down. I don't believe in demeaning or belittling anyone. If they already feel awful, the last thing I want to do is make them feel worse. Which goes back to my original question...why do we say these things to ourselves??
I have struggled with my weight for as long as I can remember. I have been on countless diets and programs. I have come close to getting the Lap-Band. I have lost weight, gained weight, lost inches, gained inches, went down sizes in clothes, went up sizes in clothes...OVER and OVER again. I have had words of concern and advice given to me...OVER and OVER again. I am not naïve to where I am at currently with my health and weight. I am not ignoring it. I am just trying to understand the problem and how to help myself the best way and a permanent way.
With age comes wisdom, right? And, we learn from our mistakes.

Well...I have made A LOT of mistakes. But, I have also made some very good choices. And, one key player in all my successes and failures are my thoughts. I can go from being on cloud nine to feeling like pond scum with one single thought. When it comes to evaluating anything that I do, I live in a world of "shoulda, woulda, coulda". I am seldom satisfied with my efforts or outcomes. And, having these negative thoughts all the time, is not conducive to moving in a positive direction in anything that I attempt.
I have known all along that if I want to lose weight for good and get my health back, I have got to address the main problem. My thoughts. If I don't fix my head, whatever changes I make physically, will be temporary.
I have reconnected with my old trainer, Aimee, to work on fixing my head. She did wonders for me a couple of years ago and since then she has expanded her expertise to the mental part of self help. Which is perfect to help me get back on track. She recommended that I read a book called "Love Yourself Lighter" by Suyin Nichols. I LOVE this book. It is a feel good book that helps you to understand the power of positive thinking and the "Why's?" behind the weight. Very eye-opening for sure!!
A few quotes that I like from this book:
"The way you think influences every choice you make and every action that you take."
"Creating your healthiest body begins in your mind, not in the gym or on your plate."
"Having a healthy mind is just as important as having a healthy body. Be sure to spend equal energy on cultivating both."
I don't know how many times I have become so bitter and irritated after a day of dieting or exercising, that I would surrender to those feelings and give up. How is that going to help me?? It won't. The solution...keep things simple and be compassionate. DO NOT expect yourself to change overnight. And DO NOT force yourself to do something you don't like. This is a lifestyle change, so make it enjoyable. Don't deny yourself of the things you love, just be mindful to not indulge in the less healthier things in excess. I know for me, if I forbid myself of something I love...chocolate...I will want it that much more! But, if I know it is ok to have some, in moderation, it becomes less tempting.
Also, if I choose to do something that I feel is the "proper or correct" thing to do, but I don't enjoy it, I will come up with all kinds of excuses not to do it. For example, there are certain exercises that I HATE...Burpees is one of them.  I HATE Burpees! Aimee made me do them when we worked out and they sucked! So...if I want to enjoy my exercise routine, I will NOT include Burpees. There are other options that will be more enjoyable for me. In fact, my dislike of Burpees actually became a punishment or "motivation" to make wiser food choices. On Halloween, Aimee told me that I had to do one Burpee for every piece of candy that I ate. Needless to say...that Halloween sucked. No candy for me. :P
Talking with Aimee over the last several weeks has been very helpful for me. I have become more aware of my thoughts...my self-talk...my inner dialogue and I have made a conscious effort to be nicer to myself. She has also made me aware of the fact that I create a lot of drama and stress on myself by having thoughts that aren't backed with evidence. In other words, I assume things that aren't true ALL THE TIME. I create a kind of paranoia that hinders me from focusing on myself and making progress. I am so overly sensitive to other's perceptions of me that it can affect how I function. Aimee is helping me to distinguish the difference between a thought that I have generated on my own from an actual fact that can be supported and is valid. Once I make that distinction, it will change the way I feel and will produce a healthier action. It's all very hard to explain. That book clarifies it better. In short, positive thinking will work wonders in helping me conquer this life long battle.
In one of our conversations, I had a tearful "a-ha" moment. She asked what my ideal weight would be. So, my automated response was 150 lbs. That is what I have felt my weight "should" be in order to reach my goal. It was the lowest weight I made it to in high school after my first Weight Watchers program. It is the lightest I have been in my late teen/adult life, so that is the number that has stuck with me.
After she asked me that, she asked me how much I weigh now...which is around 400 lbs. She wanted me to explain how that makes me feel. Which I did. She then asked me to picture myself and really envision how I would feel right now if I was at 300 lbs. I answered, that I would still not be happy because even though it is 100 lbs. lighter, it is still a size that puts many restrictions on my abilities and I will still have the same medical problems. She then asked me to envision myself at 150 lbs. And I told her that I can honestly say that I have NEVER known what it feels like to be happy at any weight, so I don't know how it would make me feel. When I was at 150 lbs., I was in high school standing next to my friends who were still thinner than me. I was blessed with curves...I love that now, but it wasn't the typical high school body form. Which meant that even though I was at a good size, it didn't make me happy because I was still "overweight" and "big".
After that we bounced up to 200 lbs. How does that make me feel? And, I instantly broke into tears. It's funny how certain thoughts can create such a powerful emotion. When I had that response it made me wonder why obviously. When I was 200 lbs., I was out of high school and all the scrutiny of being the "perfect" size. I was working full time and I was in a good place emotionally. I had just started dating Mike and I was feeling good about myself...wearing cute clothes and happy with my figure. So...that number, that 200 lb. vision has great memories to go along with it. I like the memories associated with that number much more than the 150 lb. one. And, with that tearful response, Aimee said, "I think we found your goal weight."
So, for all these years, I have just assumed that 150 lbs. is what I had to aim for. And, all along I have had bad memories with it. So, as Aimee puts it...of course I won't strive to get there because it doesn't create a desirable image for me. I mean, why would I want to be a weight that still made me miserable? Right?
After this conversation, I felt alive again. It sparked a whole new desire to get back on that horse. This time with the ammo that I need to make the permanent changes I have been so desperate for. I have the power and knowledge to control my thoughts and transform them into motivating and compassionate and honest words of encouragement. It won't happen overnight. I can't change the way I have spoke for so many years all at once. It will take time and effort and consistency. But, I am worth it!! I am tired of being a prisoner in my own body. I want a transformation that will last for MANY years to come.
I am POSITIVE that I have the ability to make this happen. I am making the change to become a healthier and happier and more energetic woman. I am in the process of bringing back the Jill that I know I am. It will be long, difficult journey with lots of speedbumps, but I am ready for the challenge. Game on!!

No Laughing Matter

Laughter to me is an essential part in living a happy life. I love to laugh. I love to make others laugh. It is a major part of my personality. The word "funny" is probably one of the first adjectives that comes to mind when my name is said. And that makes me happy. :) Of course I would like to be known for other things as well...as long as they're nice...but being funny means I make people smile. And who doesn't need to smile, right?
Ultimately, I like to make people feel good, whether that's through laughter, a goofy smile, a wink, a hug, helping out, listening, an unexpected treat, a thoughtful note or whatever I feel will do the trick. I do this because...life is stressful. It doesn't matter who you are...or how many kids you have...or how many hours you work...or what calling you have in church. Life is stressful. And, if I can brighten someone's day, I'm going to do it.
I truly believe that our attitude is key in how our day will turn out. I believe, if we remember to smile, laugh a little and look at the positives, things won't feel so overwhelming or unfixable. It won't make the problems go away, but at least it will help to keep us from wallowing in self pity.
I try to maintain a positive attitude at all times. I try to look at the bright side of every situation. Some days are harder than others. But, I manage to pull myself out of whatever funk I'm in because it does me no good to feel sorry for myself. It may take a day or two to do it, but I'll do it. I don't like the way I feel when I'm down and I really don't like how it affects everyone I'm around. I'm supposed to be brightening everyone's day, not bringing them down.
So, when I notice that I'm having more bad days than good and I'm feeling down and withdrawing more...red flags come up. I need to take immediate action and assess the situation, find the cause(s) of this sudden change in my normal demeanor.
As I stated in my last post, I wanted to find a hobby or job to help with giving myself a creative outlet, a purpose, something that will help me to feel accomplished. I am pleased to say that I have done that. And it has been so helpful being able to find something that I can do that I'm proud of and feel that sense of accomplishment. But, I've realized that this hobby is just a Band-Aid to the real issue. This isn't really what I need to make me happy again. It definitely helps, but I still have that sadness lingering.
The real issue is that I feel like an outsider wherever I go. The reason being is not because I don't connect with people. It's because I have alienated myself due to the limitations caused by my size and weight. I can no longer be a part of simple activities or chores. The past few weeks I have had several eye-opening events happen where my size has kept me from being "normal". It really pisses me off!!
For example...we painted our basement. And upon doing this, I find that it is near impossible and actually unsafe for me to climb a ladder, so Mike had to do everything that was out of my reach. And...having to get down on the floor to do trim work is just as hard. I hate it! It sucks to have the desire to do something but not be able to do it physically. All because of my own poor choices...talk about frustrating! I'm not used to my independence being taken away from me this way. I would really like to paint all over the house, but I just have to accept the fact that I can't do these simple projects by myself anymore.
Another example...Sydney is now playing softball. This is my favorite sport because I played it growing up. I SO want to get out there and play with her...I want to squat down as catcher with all the gear and get filthy in the dirt...I want to stand up to bat and kill the ball into the outfield like I used to...I want to run to catch a fly ball and throw it across the entire field...I want to slide into home plate and get all scraped up. I could teach her so much! But...I'm not in the proper condition to do any of that right now. Sure I could try, but I just can't move the way I need to. This limitation is probably the most aggravating for me. The boys used to play soccer and I couldn't get out there with them either. But, I don't like soccer much, so I didn't really care. In fact, I was honestly kind of relieved I couldn't help. But not playing softball with Sydney...that is really tough for me to accept.
There are so many other limitations that have been gradually building up my anger with the situation that I've put myself into. So to shorten this post and spare you with details of each one, I'll just make a list, how about that. ;)
The Top 10 Limitations of a Fat Girl (in no particular order because they all suck equally)
1. I can't fit into booths at a restaurant.
2. I miss out on fun events because of seating options...small seats or bleachers that must be climbed.
3. I can't climb stairs without a major struggle unless there is a handrail...and it's still a challenge.
4. I can't just throw myself on the floor to play with the animals like I used to...it takes careful effort to sit on the floor. And...I won't even get into trying to get back UP off the floor.
5. I can't garden or dig in the dirt easily because it hurts my legs to kneel.
6. I have to ride in my own van whenever carpooling because more times than not, the seatbelt in the other vehicle won't stretch around to fit me.
7. ANY kind of shopping or housework is slow going and requires many breaks.
8. I'm not able to help out my family around the farm with the horses and yard work the way I'd like.
9. I shy away from a lot of opportunities due to the fear of the unknown, like if I'll be able to fit or if there is a lot of walking or standing.
10. Freedom in general...I am a prisoner in my own body.

I went to the doctor last week in hopes of finding some magical solution to help make my weight loss journey a little easier. My water retention weighs me down (no pun intended :D) and makes it so hard to move. Because of this it affects my mood which affects my motivation to do anything about it. Unfortunately there isn't anything I can do other than take the medicine that I'm already taking. Which I kinda figured. Ultimately, my weight is the main contributor to ALL of my issues. My doctor said that I'm on a "slippery slope" with my weight. Which I figured this too. But, even with hearing that, I am grateful that I don't have any other major health problems...at least none that are irreversible. Everything that I'm suffering from currently can be fixed. Which is a blessing. :) See...I am finding the positive in the situation. ;)
So...back when I first started this journey, I signed on with a trainer/life coach to help guide me. She was an angel and did wonders for me. Unfortunately, after a year or so I was getting burnt out and began having more and more set backs, eventually leading to quitting all together. Which leads me to where I am today.
It's true, I may not like what I see in the mirror, but I still love who is staring back at me. And, I need to take care of those that I love and I need to make my own days brighter just as much as everyone else's, right? Right. Because that's what I'm good at...that's what I strive for each and every day. So...with that being said, if I want to lead any kind of normal life and get back the joy I once had, I have to suck it up and make some major changes. But, in order to do that the right way, I have to work on the real causer of my problem. Which is...my mind...my thoughts...my inner demons. My inner voice is the tempter that is dangling that carrot of destruction in my face. I am my own worst enemy.
I know that I need help with this part, so I have contacted Aimee again to be my coach. With her help, I know I can conquer this. I have faith in myself. I have lost the weight before, so I know I can do that part of it. It's not easy, but it's possible. What I have to really address and keep focus on are my thoughts and emotions as to why I'm doing these things to myself. Once I get my mind on track, the rest will fall into place.
Losing weight is a tricky thing. There are so many variables and everyone is designed differently. Every doctor and nutrition expert has a theory or method to losing weight and getting healthy. And, all these options gives us something to consider and be open minded to, but keep in mind, what works for one won't work for another. And honestly, knowing the right food to eat is the easy part. It's learning and breaking the bad habits and associations with the foods and behaviors that cause the health problems and weight gain to begin with...that's the hard part.

Well...I have a lot of work to do and a lot of rough days ahead. But...I just need to keep my eye on the prize and stick to it.