A brand new journey.

 

 

Things don't always go as we plan.

Things can change when you least expect it.

But...that's ok. Be open-minded and roll with it.

At the beginning of this summer, never would I have imagined that by the end of this summer I would be living in a different state. It's crazy how some things work out. And, what's funny is...the reasons that make this change feel right are constantly changing too.

I feel that it isn't just one thing or person that will be impacted, it's everyone. All of our lives will be altered and affected. I know in my heart that it's for the better. I've seen it already.

What has made Mike and I realize that this decision is right...is how all the pieces have been falling into place.

This is how it all started...

In June, we took a family road trip heading to Kansas City first to visit my family and then to Texas to visit Mike's family and then back home...a two week trip. Sydney left earlier with my parents and had a longer stay in KC. When we arrived in KC, we all had lots of fun with the family as usual. One thing that Mike and I noticed in particular, was how much Sydney LOVED being there and fit right into the farm life that is part of my families lifestyle. We have been searching for something that really gets Sydney excited, and have struck out repeatedly with everything so far. When we saw her there...we knew this was it. At first, Mike and I were holding back and didn't communicate with each other of what we both had witnessed. It was fear of throwing out an idea that wouldn't be appealing to the other, and possibly making a move the other wouldn't be on board with. But...things have a way of coming out when it's necessary. This time it was the kids that brought everything out in the open. They ALL expressed that they wanted to move to KC. Mike and I looked at each other in amazement...which then opened up the discussion. This is what got us to even start entertaining the idea.

We didn't make any firm decisions right away. We wanted to see how they felt after the trip was over and after all the excitement had wore off. And then we saw, that even after being home, their minds didn't change. But still...it's a huge move that would affect our family tremendously. It was nothing to be taken lightly.

After talking it through...seriously...and making sure with the kids that this is something they would want, we started taking the next steps. This is where everything has been falling into place...it has been laid out for us...we have been given all the things that we need to make this happen. And...quickly too. Our original plan was next summer, but apparently there is another plan for us.

Right away, Mike looked at possibilities for transferring with his job. He was amazed that there were 2 opportunities, so he looked into each one. One position was with a woman with whom he had worked closely with before and he had a great rapport with. Also known as a "sure in" for him transferring within the company. After a couple of weeks of talking to management from both openings, he accepted an offer and got the transfer. It's a lateral move with no cut in pay and he will travel less! SCORE!!

Next step...a house. Do we rent?? Do we buy?? We were back and forth with this. After weighing the pros and cons of each and looking into the financial aspects of both, we decided that buying would be best. And...again, we were blessed with the right option coming into our path...a darn near perfect home and close to family. The house has the perfect set up for our kids' bedrooms, a nice office for Mike, a big basement that's great for play, the main living space is open with lots of windows, the property is on 2.4 acres. I mean, really...this house was meant to be. It has everything we hoped for. There are minor complaints, but those are hardly worth mentioning.

We just keep pinching ourselves and are amazed at how things have worked out and how this path has been laid out for us. We couldn't deny the signs that this is what was intended for our family. And we had no idea that this was the plan for our future. But...looking back over the last few years, Mike and I have both realized that there were things back then, that was starting this path for us. But, we had NO idea of it at the time.

So, even though this change is very scary for me, I know it's right.

There are SO many wonderful people that I have become dear friends with over the years, that will be SO hard to leave. My life has been full of love and good times with these great friends and I will miss not being able to see them!

Not to mention our family that we will be leaving also. It will be so weird and very sad not being around them all the time and sharing everything that goes on with our family. I try not to think of it too often, so I won't cry. I just look forward to the visits in the future to spend time together again.

This is a new lifestyle for me. It is one that I am excited to see what happens. I still have my weight loss goals in mind and I feel that this is the change that is needed for me to conquer it once and for all!!

Stay tuned...

I will continue to blog about my journey. The weight loss part of it has been lacking for quite some time. I haven't been too inspiring, but that will soon change. I will now have a farm to play at, horses I can ride, an amusement park to go to, a water park to be seen at...so many things that being 200 lbs overweight just won't make it fun for me. I want to live life to the fullest and enjoy every moment without the burden of my size. Can't wait.

 

Taking chances and making changes.

 

 



I never realized how afraid of change that I am. I've always considered myself a go with the flow kind of person. Which in a lot of cases I am. But, that is with minor decisions like where to eat...what game to play...what movie to watch...things like that. If it involves more of a commitment or something that will affect my "normal"...it terrifies me.
A scary realization for me that I have been trying to ignore is that in order to change my 385 pound body...and change the fact that I am Diabetic and have Sleep Apnea...and change the newly diagnosed problem called Lymphedema...I have to completely change my relationship with food. And, completely change my lifestyle and all that I've known.
Here are my relationships with food:
Relationship #1. Eating out is the answer to all my stresses when I've had a busy day...long day...rough day...good day...exhausting day...don't feel good day...great news day...you name it...eating out is the solution. I hate cooking. I hate planning meals. I hate grocery shopping. I hate putting everything away. I hate prepping food. I hate hearing the moans and groans if I'm fixing something undesirable. I hate cleaning up. As you can see I hate the whole process from start to finish. So, what is my solution? Eat out. Very simple. And, why is this my solution? Because...I don't have to prep it, cook it or clean up...everyone chooses what they like. Voila! Everyone is happy.
Why is this a bad relationship with food?
Answer: There are a lot of advantages to cooking at home. It saves money, it is healthier and it enforces closer family time. At a restaurant we sit together at the table, but it isn't as private. At home, it is a nicer and more comfortable atmosphere, so everyone can get heard and be acknowledged. It allows us as parents to spotlight each family member uninterrupted and listen to the highs and lows of that day.
It also allows us to work together and not rely on the "staff" to do the jobs for us. We learn the value of self-reliance, we teach the skills of planning and cooking and we each pitch in to help each other with the least liked task of cleaning up.
Eating at home also fills our bellies with food that we've handled and cooked. There is no mystery as to what has been added to enhance the flavors of whatever is being served.
All in all it is a smarter choice for the waistline, the wallet and for family bonding.
Relationship #2. Sweets and desserts are the keys to happiness. They are used as the "dangling carrot" to reach the goals. They are the bribes used to be the "favorite" whoever to all the kids. Everyone loves sugar right? It's sweet and tastes good and gets that "happy" hormone all amped up. So...of course good feelings are associated with sweets. I get giddy if I know that I am going to get something sweet to eat. It immediately puts me in a good mood.
Why is this a bad relationship?
This is the emotional damager just as much as the physical destroyer.
Sugar is addictive. We get addicted to the way it makes us feel. It becomes a vice to help us cope with the everyday stresses. A quick picker upper. It screws with us emotionally. It becomes a crutch...we need it to get through the day.
These 2 things are my worst relationships with food and the hardest ones for me to change, because they will be drastic changes and ones that I have to make a huge commitment to in order to succeed in my weight loss goals. That is what terrifies me. Fortunately both can be eliminated...since I've come to learn that moderation is a hard one for me to adhere to. Eliminating sugar is more of a 'stop eating so many desserts' kind of thing.
Here is the funny thing with how my mind works with these two things...the eating out one in particular. I immediately feel restricted when that convenience is taken away. Almost fearful. "What am I going to do if I can't eat out??" I panic. For some reason I always view things as all or nothing. Which makes it hard to change because it's moderation and balance that I need to succeed and be happy emotionally and healthy physically.
I have a friend that is the opposite of me when it comes to eating out. She just cooks at home...that is what she knows, that is what she does...without thought of eating out. It is programmed in her mind that that is just what is done. I admire that.
My grandma always talks about the meals she made when her kids were growing up and my dad would reminisce about that too. I wish that I enjoyed doing that. And, maybe I am naïve in thinking that she enjoyed that. Maybe she secretly hated it but did it anyway. I don't know. For me, I always view eating home as so boring. But, the crazy thing about that thought is that when I eat out, I usually frequent the same spots and order the same things. I mean...really...how boring is that?? My mind is twisted in a lot of ways when is comes to this.
With sugar...it's more of a habit that I need to break. I am used to having something sweet after each meal or during certain activities. Again...it's more of an emotional addiction that I need to address. Find a replacement...develop different associations.
Now...I'd like to direct the attention away from food to another change that will greatly affect my lifestyle. This is one I'm actually very excited for because it will help me to develop new habits and start fresh with my food lifestyle...hopefully. We, as a family, have decided to move away from Las Vegas...my comfort zone. Nothing is set in stone yet...so it may not pan out. But...things are looking pretty good.
We took a family road trip back in June and there were a lot of things that brought attention to my size and the restrictions of it. Living in Las Vegas, there aren't many things that I do where my size is a huge issue. It's an inconvenience and frustration more than anything. We went to Kansas City and Texas...both places have a lot of things to do where being fit and healthy make being there so much easier and more fun. I missed out on a lot because of my size and stamina. Plus the fact that I have become very clumsy and unsure on my feet. Due to my water retention, my feet swell up so they aren't flexible, which makes it hard and scary for me to climb and explore like I'd love to do. Just doing simple things like going up stairs and sitting on the ground have become a struggle. It's a miserable and embarrassing way to live.
When I was losing weight back in 2012, I would close my eyes and try to envision myself thin. But, I couldn't...I honestly didn't see myself getting to that point. After going on this trip and seeing all the things that I could do and experiencing the frustration of not being able to do them it really struck a chord. After that trip, I closed my eyes again and pictured myself doing all those things...and I could finally envision myself without all of this weight holding me back. It was breathtaking and emotional to have that joy back into my life. I have been weighed down for so long in a comfort zone where it has become acceptable. There hasn't been much to really, truly motivate me to see this through. Of course I love my family and want to live a long life with them, but they accept me for who I am regardless of my size. Which allows me to fall victim to my owns demons. Allowing me to become complacent in my body and with my habits.
This HUGE change is something that is not only need for my kids...Sydney in particular. She is the one that first got Mike and I talking about it. But...I am seeing now, that it is needed for me.
I am a bundle of nerves and emotions. It's a big step for me...not one that I'm used to or have ever done. But, I have faith that it is right in so many ways.

Rude awakening.

One thing that I love about having this blog is the fact that I can vent and speak what's on my mind and not have to look at anybody in the face and try to keep from crying. I hate to cry, especially in front of people.
I know I really don't need to air all of this and post it for everyone to read, but I do. And, this is why...
1. It's therapeutic to let it out and I do it better in writing because I can articulate my thoughts better on paper.
2.  I enjoy hearing feedback. It's helpful to hear those words of encouragement. I need them. But honestly...a swift kick in the butt and some tough love is probably what I really need, but I just don't know how I'd react to that. I know that I complain about the same things over and over. I know that it's tiresome and hard to understand why I just can't change and move on. But...let me tell you...it's a lot easier said than done.
3. I know there are a lot of people out there that can relate to my problems. For me it's helpful to talk to someone that understands. So, if I can open up the door for someone, that makes me happy. It also may help those that don't have eating issues to sympathize a little more and not judge so quickly.
Originally, the blog was intended to be a journal of my progress to the finish line without me going off course. But...life happens. Instead, it has turned into the more realistic journey of a woman/mother trying to find her path...trying to find the right course to the finish line. It's been a lot of self-discoveries...some good, some bad.
You reach a certain age...and I'm sure it will happen more than once...where you realize that you are just a different person entirely. And, trying to comprehend that and accept it can be a challenge. It's like starting over. But the problem is...I don't know how to be anything or anyone different. Where do I begin? What and how do I need to change to be a 36 year old woman and not a 25 year old girl.
In the past, whenever I got in my mind that I was ready to lose weight it would be for reasons relating to activities that I wanted to do...like riding all the amusement park rides, zip-lining, horseback riding, hiking, repelling...you get the idea. But now that I'm older, my reasons have changed. I've been trying to motivate myself with goals that really aren't that exciting to reach anymore because those are the goals that I'm used to. It didn't even occur to me that I've changed.
I, unfortunately, have needed this set back to open my eyes. I HATE where I am at right now. I am always depressed and angry because of my appearance, my extreme limitations because of my size, the way that I feel emotionally and physically everyday and the fact that I just can't get my shit together!

I went clothes shopping in an actual store tonight...not my usual online ordering. And I went into the fitting room with a full length mirror...instead of trying it on in my bedroom with a waist up mirror. And, I'll tell you...I did NOT recognize myself. And that's why I really try to avoid mirrors. Ignorance is bliss, right? I think what surprised me most...and it's probably because I don't look in a full length mirror very often, especially undressed...is how my legs look. I have NO knees. The way that my legs look really made it sink in just how bad I have let things go. I know it sounds like "Hello??? Really???That's what it took to convince you to get your act together?" I know this sounds bad, but when I look at my lab results...it's just numbers on a piece of paper. I am a visual learner. I am the one that you need to draw a picture for and have props to understand what's being taught.
The past several weeks, since it's been getting hotter, my body has been giving me all kinds of problems, more than it ever has,  And I have been making reluctant, minimal changes to help myself. Still not really taking it seriously. "It'll pass..." That's what my obstinate inside voice tells me all the time. "Don't worry, it'll change...".
Well...How? How will it change? It certainly isn't by just reading a self-help book. Or, by just joining a gym. Or by finally stocking my kitchen with healthy foods. I have to actually put what I read to use...go to that gym and exercise...fix all that healthy food and eat it.
I have to do it. Nobody else can fix this. There is no magic pill. This will not just go away.
One thing that I've learned is...I get motivated by things I see. But...that motivation fades very quickly. As I stated in my last post...I get over things almost immediately. I need to see things frequently throughout the day to keep me motivated. And, that's not by reading letters to myself with statements like "You can do it!" on it...I feel dumb reading those. I need inspirational videos or posters or pictures that are visual and constantly remind me "Hey! This is what you want and need to do." As much as I hate it...I really need current, worst angle pictures of myself everywhere. Bleh.
I know that I have a lot of mental issues that hold me back. But, I don't like group therapy because it's too impersonal. And, I really don't like one on one therapy either because it's usually with some skinny therapist that has only studied about addictions but has never really been affected by one. Plus, it's with someone that I don't know and doesn't know me. Yes, I know with given time that will change...but I want to be able to get right to the heart of things without several months of getting to know each other. I would much rather just have an unfiltered discussion with someone I know. Someone that can help me see a different perspective or solution.
Ugh...
It's a way of life. It's not a temporary eat healthy and exercise till I get the weight off thing. I have to change permanently. Things are just getting worse as I'm living in a state of denial. No more. I must do this. I can't keep making empty promises. I know I can do it, I've done it before.
My words of encouragement to myself...
Be compassionate. Keep it simple.
Just five words that say it all.