Simple Goals and Dreams of a Fat Girl, 3rd Edition

I felt it was time to update my list...seeing as it is almost the new year. It's time to make some resolutions and set some goals.
So here it is...The Simple Goals and Dreams of a Fat Girl...3rd Edition.
1. As a fat girl there are little things that I can't do like a skinny girl can. It may seem silly, but it is something that I have missed doing for a long time. And, that is...cross my legs like a lady. I have recently been able to pull up my foot to the top of the other knee (if you can picture that) and have it stay...which was very exciting! But, that's not enough...I want to cross them all the way.
2. I want to lose enough weight to be able to see my bones again. I have been fully padded, well insulated and soft and cuddly for many, many years. I forgot what my jaw-bone, collar bones, shoulder blades, ankle bones and knee caps look like. I realize I won't be as soft to lay on...but that's what pillows were made for!
3. I want to sit in a seat and not take up any space of the seat next to me. I look at these skinny butt people and notice that they have room to spare on their seat. And, I am just in awe and wonder what that would be like. I bet my kids would appreciate that too. :) "Mom! I don't have any room...scoot over!" would be a thing of the past.
4. I want to ride a bike and sit on the seat and not have it disappear (nice visual, huh?). Bikes are SO uncomfortable, but it looks like so much fun to ride!
5. In my last list, I said I wanted to run in races. Well...since then I have realized that I really don't like to run. And, maybe it's because I still have a lot of shakin' goin' on and it hurts a little. So, we'll see in time. Plus, marathon running looks SO boring to me anyway. However...I do want to compete in the messy obstacle courses like Dirty Dash. Now, that looks FUN!
6. I want to buy cute shoes! I want Doc Martens...big green boots and big clunky sandals. I want lots of cute sandals...all different styles. I want Vans and Converse and dorky shoes... lots of fun colors and designs.
7. I want to be able to watch my kids play sports or whatever activity and not be embarrassed to go out there and play with them. Besides that, I want to be able to keep up with them.
8. I want to run up the stairs.
9. I want to get rid of my C-Pap machine.
10. I want to be able to wrap a normal sized towel all the way around myself and have it overlap.
11. I want it to feel natural and normal to eat healthy.
12. I want ALL the fast food places to go out of business!
13. I want to experience life where food isn't constantly on my mind.
14. I want to buy clothes from a normal sized department.
15. Most importantly...I want to get rid of my Diabetes and get rid of all the medication that I take!
So, there it is...that's all for today. As I get smaller and as time goes by, I'm sure I will think of many more.
I do have to say that, even though I am oversized, and there are many things that I wish I could do, I still love myself regardless of my size.
I have made a lot of bad choices when it comes to eating. Some decisions were because of my age and thinking I was invincible...some were because of stress and using food as comfort...and some were just because it tasted good. Whatever the reason...it doesn't matter. What matters is, that I become aware of my choices and the consequences of them. Don't get angry because it may not be what I want. Look at the whole picture...how is this moment of food bliss going to affect me in the long run? Is it worth it?? That is a question that I ask myself frequently. And, I have to be honest...a lot of times I shut my "reasoning" voice up and eat it anyway. This is something that I'm working on. It's hard, but I know that I have to be strong and tell myself no sometimes. Not all the time...I do need some food bliss. I just need to keep it within reason.
It's all about moderation and balance. Yep, those words, that haunt me and taunt me. But...I promise, I will learn how to become one with them!! And...that, my friends...is my New Year's Resolution.  So, here's to another AWESOME year!!

Forgiveness and understanding.

Yep! This picture pretty much sums up my behavior for the past 2 weeks! I have been AWFUL this month!
And, you know what...I am ok with it. Yes, it really sucks to gain and have to lose it all over again. But, this is how I see it. I love food! Plain and simple. And, maybe in time, as I continue on this unfamiliar path of eating healthy and watching what I eat...food won't be as important to me. But, for right now... it is. I try really hard to convince myself otherwise, but I am just fooling myself.
As Aimee has told me, I have an "All or Nothing" way of thinking. Moderation is a foreign word to me. This is something that I have been made aware of...I understand...and I am working on it. I will have a week that I am on my best behavior. I will count all my points and exercise my butt off...that is my "all" state of mind. Usually those weeks burn me out, so that's when my "nothing" comes into play. And, my "nothing" weeks are NO joke. I don't quite understand it myself. All I know is...my devil side comes out in full force! The temptations are often too strong to say no to. It's almost like I am just antagonizing myself...daring myself too be bad. And, as I have said before...I am not strong emotionally, so I give in.
This is becoming a very big problem! I need to be able to stand up to myself and smack down that inner voice that taunts me and keeps delaying me from getting to my goals!
Moderation...moderation...moderation!
Balance...balance...balance!! (Yes...there it is again). Don't the experts say that we learn best from repetition. Well...I guess, I'm testing that theory.
This next year...watch out! I have SO many things in store for myself. I have experienced a lot of things this past year, both good and bad. I have learned how to succeed...I have learned how to fail...I have learned how to ask for help...I have learned how to do things on my own. I have done things this year that I thought would NEVER happen. Before I started on this journey, it got to the point where I began to give up on myself, and just accepted the fact that I was going to be fat all my life. But...then I looked at those sweet little faces of my precious little babies and I knew that I had to get off my butt and do something about it!
The most important thing that I have learned this year, is having patience with myself. This journey hasn't been easy. I have had to push myself in ways that I never have before. I will have bad days...I will have bad weeks. But...I have NOT given up!! And...I WON'T give up. My progress over the last 6 months is not at all like it was the first 6 months. I have been on a wild roller coaster ride for awhile now, and it has really affected my decision making. But...it hasn't killed my spirit or determination to see this journey to the end...no matter how long it takes!
I have been a huge supporter and follower and doer of Weight Watchers from the start. I have nothing against Weight Watchers. But...something inside me says that I need a change. I am ready to try something new that is very commonly used by many...but has never been done by me. I am going to start tracking what I eat based on calories. Aimee is 100% on board with this and she is going to help me by setting up a plan to follow. I think WW is starting to lose it's luster and that's one reason why my head hasn't totally been in it.
Another thing I learned about myself is that I need structure with options. I don't like feeling like I am stuck doing the same thing day after day. But...on the same note, I enjoy having routine. So, here is where balance comes into play...create a hum-drum routine, but have options of activities and food choices to insert in order to keep it fun and less monotonous. Also, one thing I struggle with is allowing myself pleasure activities...not any more. I have made a list of all the things I want to make time for and I have planned out my schedule accordingly...without sacrificing my exercise!
I have allowed myself to fall off the rocker the past two to three weeks, mainly because it was the holidays and I didn't want to behave myself. Not gonna lie! I had my fun...I ate my little heart out...I sat on my butt most of the time. Now it's time to get back to business! Have a little cry over the weight that I have gained back and now need to lose again...then GET OVER IT! This new year is going to be AWESOME!! :)

Positive thinking.

Getting out of my own head...de-cluttering negative thoughts...accepting the fact that I'm not perfect.
That's what I am working on right now.
I had a conversation with Aimee a while back about thoughts. I am going to try to convey our conversation as best as I can. We were talking about negative and positive thoughts and how I need to get rid of the negative thoughts that have been a constant script in my head. How she put it was like this...and I'm paraphrasing, so I hope I explain it correctly. I have to picture my mind like a forest and my thoughts clear out pathways or trails that help me get through the forest. I have cleared many trails with my negative thoughts. My same negative thought will go down the same trail over and over...so it becomes wider and easier to walk through. Because I am so negative, all of the positive thought trails are overgrown and need to be cleared out. So, for every positive thought I have, it will begin to clear a new trail. And, the more positively I think, the wider and more clear those trails will become. Eventually, those negative trails will become overgrown and it will be easier to keep myself in a positive state of mind.
I am a visual person and this analogy really helped me because I do get stuck in negative head space. So, this is how I see it...I want to create a mind that is full of positive trails. One that will lift me up and keeping me going. I work best with positive reinforcement. When I get "drill sergeant" criticism... it either pisses me off or makes me cry. Either way it is not effective in my growth and it changes my attitude towards the whole situation. For the worse. I close off and don't want to cooperate. Which is not good! So, I have to understand, that the same goes for how I encourage myself. Do I want to be compassionate or do I want to be a drill sergeant? I already know that I operate better with positive reinforcement. So...there's the answer...I need to quit being so negative to myself.
This is what I am struggling with right now. I have not been in a good mind set for quite some time. My weight has been up and down so much over the past few months and that is taking a toll on my attitude. I am noticing old habits sneaking back in...I am noticing that my desire to exercise and count my points is becoming less and less. I have to address this immediately before things get worse!!
Be compassionate...access the situation. What has happened that has put me in this negative head space?
When I think about that, I realize that I am forgetting to incorporate relaxation, goof off days and quality family and self time into my routine. I am so focused on my goals that I push myself to the point of breakdown, exhaustion and frustration. And that's when I start reverting back to old habits...and then I gain.
My goal for this new year is to find that balance. Yes...I say that all the time. It's all about balance. I will be compassionate with myself and make sure I allow in some pleasure time to balance out the constant grind of losing weight and getting healthy. That will help me to stay in a positive head space. And, once I get that under control, I won't have so many up's and down's. THINK POSITIVE!
I will get to my goal. And, the most important thing that I need to remember, is to stay positive and enjoy life while getting there! :)