The importance of a strong support system.

Last time I posted a dear friend asked me how my family was helping me on my journey, more specifically, with this new way of eating.

I thought that was a great question and it got me thinking about the importance of a strong support system. 

Everyone struggles with something in their life and having a cheerleader or a "rock" is crucial in getting past hurdles. Some people need a whole cheering crowd, some people need a tough coach and some people need that teammate that's always by your side. I need all of it. The tough coach is one that I have a hard time with though. I am very sensitive so this approach quite often backfires. But sometimes the tough love will strike a chord and make an impact.

I can't imagine how hard it must be for a loved one to watch their spouse, child, sibling, friend, etc. suffer with an addition and feeling useless in helping them. I really don't like calling myself an addict. To me, food should not be something we get addicted to. But, when I stop and think about addiction, it's not really the vice that people get addicted to, it's the feeling they get when they use it. This thought is based on my own experience. The only other thing that I have done in my life that I would classify as an addiction is smoking cigarettes. 

I started smoking for a stupid reason. My best friend during my junior high/high school years was part of the "stoner" crowd...a very entertaining crowd to hang around with. :) I was not into drugs, I had no desire to partake in that experience. However, smoking did interest me, it was a way for me to feel like part of the crowd. I started with just blowing silly smoke circles which lead to inhaling which lead to something that I enjoyed doing. At first it was just an activity I did while hanging out with my friend and her friends. But, as time went by I started to notice another side effect that made this new activity of mine even more appealing. I wasn't craving food. I wasn't hungry. I have struggled with weight and the love of food my whole life. So this new found possible weight loss tool was pretty exciting. This lasted about 5 years. It helped me lose 30 lbs during my first stint at Weight Watchers my junior year. What made me finally quit were several things, Mike was the main reason. We almost didn't become a couple because he hated it so much. But, ultimately my good looks and charm won him over. LOL. ;) The other reasons were cost,guilt and nausea. Every time I would pull out a cigarette, I felt guilty. I actually really enjoyed smoking,in fact, I still would if I started up again. But, I hated seeing that look on Mike's face and I loved him too much to continue. Fortunately smoking is something I can just quit because it's something that I don't need. Food on the other hand, I do need. 

By quitting smoking, it has now freed up my hands and mouth for food. Between that, being young and uninterested in cooking, my weight began to raise (rise?). Add kids into the mix and forget about it. My weight was a concern, but my sanity and lack of energy needed that constant food high. So, I ate and I ate. My family became more and more concerned. They could see how this new addiction was creating more problems.

So, this leads me to the need for a strong support system. And the answer to the question, how is my family supportive? 

My parents have been a steady source of support. They have joined Weight Watchers with me, my mom will go on walks with me, they look up different diets or articles that may be helpful, my dad has given me incentives. It's a continuous search to find what will work for me. It's hard for them to 

force my hand. They do everything they can, but it has to be ME that's ready to listen and take action.

Mike has been extremely patient with me. He doesn't have the love for food that I do, so it's really hard for him to relate. He "eats to live" and I "live to eat". Over the past 20 years that we've been together, I have joined Weight Watchers countless time, joined Jenny Craig, Nutrisystem and bought a cart full of healthy food that went to waste repeatedly. I have opened gym memberships that went unused over and over. I have bought exercise equipment that collects dust. I have cried and cried wondering why I can't stick to anything. I have promised again and again that "this time will be different".  Yet, he STILL holds my hand, wipes my tears and says "We'll do whatever it takes."

Over the past couple of years, my body has changed quite a bit. I'm experiencing the effects of my Diabetes. This is something that I never paid attention to, but now I am. I am slowly learning what my body needs. Starting the low carb/Keto way of eating has been the most eye opening. 

This is something that has changed the way Mike is showing support. I have started watching videos on how to make foods more Keto friendly and have tried a few recipes. Well...to my surprise, Mike has become very excited about this new approach to cooking. He is fully on board for changing also. So, are the kids...mainly because they want to help me. My parents are looking into starting this way of eating too. By them doing this also, it helps me out tremendously. We're not only eating the same, but I have buddies to help with finding new recipes and such. It's very encouraging and exciting.

Besides my immediate family, I have a huge support system. My cousin is always looking for ways to help me and is often my coach. Starting this blog has been incredibly helpful by giving me the cheering squad that I need. I can't thank all of you enough for your "likes" and encouraging words. It helps me more than I can say. It's also nice to know that by me sharing my struggles, it could help someone else with theirs. 

Bumpy Road to Fat Girl Freedom

Diabetes is no joke. I am finally coming to realize what a temperamental disease this is.
I have been Diabetic for about 12 years and for about 10 of those years I have ignored it. I took the meds that were prescribed and went along my business with no regard to how my lifestyle was affecting my health. I trusted that if I just took the meds, I could still live like I wanted to. Little did I know that my body was slowly breaking down. I have been pretty healthy all my life, so whenever I felt out of sorts, I blamed it on weather or allergies. It made sense to me at the time. But, denial is really what it was. I didn't understand Diabetes and I had no desire to learn. I didn't want to hear bad news that could jeopardize the way I was living. Ignorance is bliss. So I thought.
Well, my bliss has expired, and now I must face reality. Currently, I am at an all time low. I have put on so much weight and have been on a accelerating downward spiral for a few years. It's been one health problem after another. And, sometimes I wonder how much of it is actually just the Diabetes wreaking havoc. A year ago I was diagnosed with Lipolymphedema in my legs, but I frequently wonder if that is an accurate diagnosis. If so, I will suffer with leg issues forever. If it's the Diabetes, then I have a chance of having legs that don't frustrate me 75% of everyday once I get my sugar in check permanently. That would be awesome!! Because, not only do they feel tight, tender and like cement all day, but now I have a pinched nerve that hurts all the time and my knees are starting to give out and hurt. It's miserable and makes it hard to do any kind of activity.
Maintaining a healthy lifestyle is the hardest thing for me to do. MUCH harder than raising kids...twins even! The temptations for me are SO strong and the habits I've developed are so bad. I have a consistent pattern of doing well for a couple of weeks then I miss my old ways and fall off the wagon big time. And it's usually worse than before...if that's possible. It's an irrational thought process that I go through. I consider eating healthy a punishment, so when I am obedient and behave like I'm supposed to, I think I should be rewarded. With food. It will start as a small reward that becomes bigger and bigger then eventually I release myself from the punishment because I've totally screwed up. That's the best way I can think of to describe it. Bottom line is I am spoiled, I like the way I eat because it tastes good and it's easy. I don't want to give that up. I am scared to. Living any other way is so foreign to me.
Because of my size and multiple health problems my quality of life has plummeted and my risk of death has skyrocketed. Very scary to admit and accept.
In order to reverse this I have decided to get weight loss surgery. It wasn't the route I ever wanted to go, but the risks of me not taking this extreme measure outweighs the risks of surgery. I will be getting the Gastric Sleeve. My surgeon thinks it's best to start with that because of my other health issues...history of blood clots being the most concerning. If I don't see the results I want then he can go back in and do the rerouting part which will increase the weight loss results. I'm not looking to be thin, in fact I like being a bit pudgy (curvy). I just want to have an INDEPENDENT life again. I miss doing normal things, walking up stairs, doing outdoor activities, fitting into regular chairs. I'm tired of being huge, unable to walk, getting winded all the time, depending on my family so much.
I have already started the process to prepare for the surgery. I've seen most of the specialists I'm supposed to. My insurance requires that I follow a medically supervised diet for 6 months and lose at least 5% of my weight. I was put on a low carb diet, taken off insulin and put on another form of diabetic medication that isn't insulin. At first I was excited to start this diet and saw outstanding results immediately. I lost weight quickly and my sugar level went in range right away. Well...as usual, the temptations and draw to old habits reared its ugly head again. I've still managed to lose some more weight, but my sugars are through the roof again. Time to reevaluate and readdress my meds again until I can behave and stick to the low carb diet like I was told to.
The most frustrating part of this is my own childish behavior and my lack of self control. The fact that I continuously let down my family and worry them kills me. The fact that I know what I'm supposed to do, but my inner voice is SO persuasive, SO persistent and nonstop, I feed it to shut it up. The funny part is that feeding brings on a whole other inner voice. But, that that one isn't quite so loud.
I am so disappointed in myself right now. I am still gung ho about this surgery because I am anxious to see how I respond both physically and mentally. I know I'll be a nightmare to tolerate for a while. My self talk will be so important for my recovery and success. Luckily, I have always been a very positive person and can see the silver lining in most things. So that's good. But, the Diabetes magnifies the difficulties I have because when my sugar is high, I'm emotional, tired, hungry, irritable and all things that lead to self destruction with food. And, I eat junk just in order to have the feel good hormone back for just a little while, which raises my blood sugar. This cycle repeats itself all day.
There are 2 different "feel good" states of mind that I have. The one with junk food is like a drug high that I'm giddy and just happy. The one with healthy food is clarity and energy. I like them both, but the junk food one tastes better, so I choose that one the majority of the time. My goal is to find that balance so I can have a better relationship with food. One that I can marry happiness with clarity. That is my dream.
For the meantime, I will continue to get ready for surgery. My ups and downs are far from over. I just hope that my family will be forgiving of my setbacks. And that I can remain strong and stay positive.

The lonely life of obesity.

Being an obese person is a very lonely life.
It's a life that is watched from the sidelines. No one truly understands what goes on in the mind of an obese person. So, let me enlighten you with what goes on in mine.
Guilt, anger, disgust, fear, anxiety, despair and humiliation. A lot of times many of these emotions are felt at the same time. I am in a constant internal war with myself over anything relating to my current condition.
Being obese is not something that we strive to be. At least, I hope not. There are so many factors that play into the progression of gaining weight. And each person is unique in their journey. For me, it isn't one thing. Each stage of my life has brought on different challenges. Food is what I chose to comfort the stress I was experiencing at that time. No matter what doctors say, food is a drug. Addiction to food is a real thing. I know. I live it. I struggle every minute of every day to overcome it. Food gives me a high that I crave when I'm feeling low. It immediately improves my mood to the point that reason is no longer there. Meaning, I know what I'm doing to myself, but I don't care because I feel so much better at this moment and I want it to last. And since I know that food gives me that high, I seek it. I use any excuse to abuse it. I will go out of my way just to get it. I enjoy time alone because I can get my fix without anyone knowing. Who am I fooling, right? I am now 450 lbs, so I think the secret is out...it was revealed a long time ago. Now my sneaking around is more of a way to avoid answering for myself.
When I say this is a lonely life, it's no joke. I have a lot of people in my life whom I love beyond words and they love me and are always there for me. But, I am lonely because there are so many things that I can't do with them because of my obesity. So...I watch from the sidelines. I stay home. It's much easier to do that then deal with the emotions I go through because of my limitations.
Guilt- it's the one emotion that doesn't go away. I feel guilt about what I've done to myself, I feel guilt for the burden and worry I have put on my family, I feel guilt when I don't participate in an activity because I can't physically or I don't want to risk humiliation, I feel guilt when I eat something I know I shouldn't, I feel guilt when I sit on my butt all day...the list goes on and on. It is very exhausting to be disappointed in yourself all the time. So...how to I cope? I eat.
Anger- I typically am not an angry person, but I do reach those days where the guilt gets too much and I become angry with myself for not being stronger. I am angry at the choices I make and have made knowing what the outcome will be. I am angry that food has so much control over me.
Disgust- When I look in the mirror, I truly do love who I see. I know I am a good person. I know that I am loved and needed. Which is why there is disgust. How could I treat myself this way knowing and feeling these things? I am disgusted at what my body has become due to my actions. I have become dependent on everyone to help me with simple things. I have pill boxes that are filled with a handful of pills I have to take twice a day just to manage the symptoms caused by my obesity. I have to wear an insulin patch that irritates my skin and gets in the way all the time because I have indulged in so much sugar that my body just can't keep up anymore.
Fear- I look at my kids everyday and think 'What would they do without me?' Their life would certainly lack humor, that's for sure. I just can't imagine the void they'd feel. I have such a special relationship with each of them that it breaks my heart to even think about how much they'd miss me if something were to happen. Same goes for my husband. Plus...I don't even want to think about him marrying another woman and that woman becoming a mother figure to my kids. No way. No one can replace me! Yes, I mean that. And, my parents. No parent should ever lose a child. I am an only child, and am very close to both of them. My mom is my best friend and my dad is someone that I just need for many things to help calm me and keep me focused. My fear is that my body will give up and they all have to deal with that loss. I also look forward to living a long life and being there to watch my kids grow up and grow old with Mike. I really fear that not happening.
Anxiety- I now have a Handicap placard that I keep in my car. The main reason being is my anxiety. I got it after my last episode with blood clots, so there were other health reasons too. But, the real reason I wanted it, was to alleviate some of the anxiety I get whenever I have to run errands or go out anywhere. There are many worries I have before I leave the house. I worry about a car parking too close to my van so I won't be able to open my door wide enough to get in. I worry about having to park far away and being exhausted before I even start my task. My anxiety also keeps me from doing a lot of activities that have questionable seating and climbing of stairs. I have had to miss out on going to sports games, concerts and outdoor activities. It's no fun to watch others enjoy these activities while you sit on your obese butt that's too big to squeeze into those tiny (normal) sized seats or go up stairs with no handrail.
Despair- I know I have a problem, an addiction. I have tried over and over to lose weight on my own, only to fail and gain back more than I lost. I just don't know how to help myself anymore. How can I find that switch in my head to stop slowly killing myself with food? Weight loss surgery, that's what it has come to. But, I still have to change my behavior. I sure hope that between the "hunger" hormone that's removed during the removal of part of the stomach and seeing weight loss results quicker, that will be what I need to continue in the right direction and make the lifestyle changes I need to. For good.
Humiliation- This one is huge. No pun intended. I feel like a circus freak wherever I go. 'Look at that enormous woman!' "How could she do that to herself?!' This is what I think everyone is saying to themselves. I now have to ride that stupid scooter when I go shopping if I want to accomplish a lengthy shopping trip. I HATE that! I used to be disgusted at the people who were too fat and out of shape to walk on their own. Now I am one!! Humiliating. Anything and everything that I can't do because of my size is humiliating. Every time I have to squeeze into something, it's a reminder of how fat I am. And, humiliating.
These are the reasons why being obese is a lonely life. I stay home. I say no to fun things. I watch others do what I wish I could. That is lonely.
I am not writing this for pity, or sympathy or because I feel sorry for myself. Whether it's genetics, addiction or a traumatic experience, it doesn't matter. I am responsible for the consequences of my choices. I am not going to just watch myself deteriorate and die without trying all I can to fix the problem. I have too much to live for. Too much to look forward to. I have lost enough time being on the sidelines. I'm ready to be a part of the fun.
I just ask you to be compassionate to those that are obese. It's not as simple as 'Why don't they just stop eating so much crap?' I wish it were that simple. The emotional side is far more powerful than you think. Unfortunately, those that don't have this addiction, don't understand that.