Learning from mistakes

Do you know how hard it is to be stuck in a 400 pound body? I do.
Do you know how humiliating it is to eat in front of people who are secretly judging you for what you're putting in your mouth? I do.
Do you know what it's like to see the disapproving stare or hear the low gasp when waking into a room? I do.
Do you let yourself cry once you're alone because you are so disgusted with the choices you have made? I do.
But, do you wish that you could take back those choices that you have made wrong over the years? I don't.
I don't. And, do you know why I don't? Because those wrong choices have made me who I am today. And, I am happy with who I am today. Today...I am more aware of my emotions. Today...I am more aware of my limits. Today...I am not making ridiculous promises that I have no intention of keeping. I have learned a lot over the last 20+ years of struggling with my weight. But, that doesn't mean that I now make all the right choices. It just means that I am not ignorant in thinking I can change myself over night. I have been on countless diets and workout plans. Some have been successful, but none of them have been long term. My mistakes? Trying to change everything all at once...eliminating things in the beginning that are the biggest challenge...setting goals that are unrealistic...comparing myself to others.
I have been approaching my addiction and weaknesses all wrong. I can't FORCE myself to be someone different. But, I can coach myself to learn new habits and be compassionate to my faults. To me, diets are stupid...fad diets in particular. All they do is help you...miserably...lose weight quickly but temporarily. I feel the same with pills, drinks, surgeries, anything that is a "helper" in losing weight. Just my opinion. The reason I feel this way is because, for me, my weight/food problem is all psychological. No pill, no drink, no surgery will fix the problem. All they do is fix the symptom of the problem.
Over the years, I have seen therapists and life coaches, and some have done ok. They give me something to think about and sometimes help me see a different perspective about my behaviors. But honestly, overall, they make me feel more screwed up. I get more out of a "rant" session with my husband or my mom because they truly understand me. And, a lot of times, I just need to get my frustrations off my chest and then I'm good to go again.
What I have learned about myself and how I need to get my life back on track, is to take small steps and gradually change my lifestyle. And, what I mean by getting my life back is, finding the energetic, athletic, adventurous and fun Jill that is stuck in this huge, stiff and heavy body. I know she's in there... she's just trapped by fear of change and hard work.
I admire those individuals that appear to have it all worked out...they set their exercise routine, eat their nutritious meals, day after day...no big deal. But, you know what...I am sure it is a struggle for them too. It may not appear so to those of us watching, but we're not inside their head and we can't read their thoughts. Most likely they're thinking "this sucks, but it must be done". And, you know what I think after one day of having a routine that I don't particularly like? "This sucks, I'm not doing this anymore". And, it is that mindset that has lead me to living in a body that has restricted me from doing so much.
Yes...beginning an unfamiliar and different routine will suck...at first. And, I know changing a lifestyle that has been lived for 37 years will not be easy or fun. That is why I will do this with my sanity in mind. I am not someone that thrives on completing the hardest of hard challenges or conquering the impossible. I am someone that gets frustrated and discouraged very easily, so I will respect that, and plan accordingly.
I have made excuses for far too long. I have relied on the unconditional love of my family for far too long. It is time that I make the changes, take the steps needed to regain my health, get my body back. My kids have never seen me thin, they have never experienced how much fun I can really be. In fact, I don't know how much Mike has experienced. It will be so much fun to get that back. I am not looking to win awards on losing weight in record time. I just want to take it slow and make it last. In time, I will be able to handle more and more changes. I just have to be patient with the process and think of my emotional health as well as my physical health...those two go hand and hand.
I still plan on documenting my journey. I mean, no journey is complete without a few roadblocks, wrong turns and obstacles in the road, right? Next week, I will weigh in, take measurements and post pictures. I have a plan and I have lots of willing participants by my side to help me chug along and get to where I need to be. I am truly blessed to be surrounded by such incredible people...from those I love and miss from Las Vegas to those that are right here with me in Missouri. I have a great team! I am excited to move forward and anxious to see just how awesome I can be. ;) I love life and I want to enjoy it to the fullest for a long, long time.

Setting goals and getting back on track.

 

 

Goal setting. Bleh!! I hate setting goals because I suck at it. I always set them over ambitiously because I am impatient and want immediate results. I manage to convince myself that I am superwoman and can completely change my habits overnight. Which...as we all know...is ludicrous and impossible.

Even though I hate setting goals, I know it must be done. Otherwise, I wander around aimlessly with no direction or end in sight. My challenge is...where do I begin and how much can I handle? I need to be realistic, but I also need to push myself. Where is that balance without sending myself over the edge? Hmm.

I know that I have been successful before, so I need to reflect on that. What worked for me back then? And, also what made me get off track? I know that I can push myself hard, but I also know, that I can't live like that long term.

When I started this journey, I was pumped...I was ready to take this on full steam. Which I did. And, I was seeing results too, and quickly. I do have to say though, it was the exercise and training that made the difference. My eating was NEVER where it should have been. That is the hardest part for me, getting that under control. So, when I burned myself out from the vigorous exercise regimen, I didn't have a healthy eating lifestyle to fall back on. So, in time, all the results from the hard work of exercising eventually disappeared. Granted, I did make healthier choices with food during that time, but not enough to maintain or keep the weight coming off once I stopped all the exercising. And, once I hit that point I became frustrated and ultimately my inner food demons and bad habits came back full force.

Another trigger to my falling off the wagon, was the amount of stress I put on myself. I would call it self-bullying. I am never satisfied. I always feel that I should've done more or better. I compare myself to everyone else OR how I used to be when I was younger, which always brings me down if I don't live up to that. I assume that I should be able to do the things that I could 20 years ago...200 lbs ago. Or, that I can keep up with someone half my size. NOT! I just am not capable of that right now. My body is in bad shape and I need to remember that. I have to work up to that level.

I hate being looked at as an invalid, but that's what I am sometimes. I physically can't do a lot of things because of my size or because I am not as strong as I used to be or I don't have the stamina. I am not completely helpless...I know that. And...there are a lot of things that I am still able to do. But...my family, my husband especially...all cater to my weaknesses more than they should have to. And, I know a lot of that is because of my laziness and refusal to change things. It is unfair to them and it is selfish of me. I have become dependent on them, and I never used to be that way. Years ago, I would always take pride in the fact that I could tackle projects on my own and wouldn't need help. But now, I am disgusted with how much that has changed. I just don't have the ability to do the things I used to, so I depend on others to do it for me. I DO NOT like that...being dependent.

With that being said...things HAVE to change. I can't live like this forever. I don't want to! And, my family deserves better than that. They deserve the Jill that I know I am...not the Jill that I have become. I am unrecognizable to myself.

So...getting back to goals. Let's think about what I want to achieve in life first, then I will prioritize and take the steps necessary and set realistic goals. And what better way to do that than my usual list of...

Simple Goals and Dreams of a Fat Girl...volume ??? whatever

1. I want to be able to climb a ladder effortlessly, over and over...without fear of falling or breaking it.

2. I want to be able to get up and down off the floor with out needing help or sticking my butt straight up in the air in the most ungraceful way imaginable.

3. I want to be able to do work on my knees without causing bruises due to the sensitivity of my skin because of the lymphedema.

4. I want to go shopping...all day. I am tired of being exhausted and mentally "checked out" because of the exhaustion after one store.

5. I want to go to a restaurant without the anxiety of fitting because of booths or small spaces. Same goes for theater seats, stadium seats, etc.

6. Speaking of stadiums...I want to be able to sit anywhere at a sporting event, regardless of the seating options. I want to be able to climb up bleachers if I have to.

7. I want to walk down hills or steps without feeling so unsteady on my feet.

8. I want to climb stairs without needing a handrail.

9. I want to play with my kids...play tag, roll in the snow, wrestle on the floor. I miss the agility that I once had.

10. I want to get off my medication.

11. I want to get rid of my C-Pap machine.

12. I want to go clothes shopping and enjoy it.

13. I want to feel attractive.

14. I want to feel energized.

15. I want to have the desire to get off my butt and be productive.

16. I want to feel confident and comfortable in my own skin.

17. I want to live life to the fullest and not miss out on things because of my size.

18. I want to have the ability to fit in any kind of seat easily...roller coaster, airplane, car...

19. I want to have the mental strength to tell myself "no" "try harder" "you can do it".

20. I want to have patience with myself to keep going when things get hard.  

 

So...with this list in mind, here is what I am going to do. I am going to stop making excuses and take care of myself. I am going to regain my independence and start living again.

Aimee, my trainer back in the day, helped me out so much in a variety of ways. She had me set goals each week, which was always a great motivator. She had me set a food goal, fitness goal, emotional goal and spiritual goal. And, I have decided that I want to implement that again. But, before I can set those detailed weekly goals, I need to get back on track first.

 

My first goal...

Get my diet under control. I am not going to join Weight Watchers like I usually do. I always go in there thinking that if I join, that's all I need. But...I have to actually follow their plan. And, to be perfectly honest, I don't like their plan. I think it is over complicated and takes too long to figure out points, so meal planning is a royal pain in the a**! And...I know my patience level with that. So, it's best to not even subject myself to that torture. Plus the fact, they have some twisted views on things and most of the time the meetings consist of members on a mission to find ways to cheat their points. It doesn't work or last that way.

My best method is to count calories and make a list of all the daily food requirements I need to fill those calories. I will be mindful of sugar content because that is what my body does not need. I will not eliminate anything because that plays a worse mind game on me than eating healthier. And, I know my rebellious tendencies, so I won't even test it. Keep it simple. It will be more manageable that way, so I will be more likely to stick to it.

My goal with this is to lose roughly 10 lbs. a month, the first month will probably be double that. At my size, that is a realistic goal.

 

My second goal...

Move more. Exercise. I have to treat it as a job that I get up each morning to go to. Monday-Friday, I will start slow and build it up each week. First, is to focus on cardio and getting my stamina back up. In addition to that, will be flexibility exercises and light strength training. Aimee taught me quite a bit when I was with her and I have kept a lot of the circuit training routines that she created for me, which will help me know what to do and plan out my workouts.

 

In addition to those, each week I will guiltlessly allow myself me time to rejuvenate. I will read/watch motivational things to help inspire me to keep going.

I believe that these are achievable goals. A healthy diet and daily exercise is a necessity and I know that. No more reckless choices. I need to suck it up and get in shape...mentally, emotionally and physically.

At the beginning of next year, I will weigh, measure and set my weekly goals.

This journey isn't over...it never will be. I will always have to work on keeping myself on track. My hope is to not have so many set backs, especially ones where I have to start over again.

I will learn to follow these simple rules...

Be patient...Be compassionate...Keep it simple

 

 

A Whole New World.

Sometimes you go through years in your life where you're content. You're happy. You're not looking for change. Things are good. Things are comfortable. Things are managing how they should be.
Then one day, you get thrown a curve ball, and a whole new world opens up. A world that wasn't totally unknown, but it just wasn't in the cards at that moment to visit.
Mike and I have always toyed with the idea of moving. We even went as far as meeting with a realtor and talking with team members from the Houston, Texas area a few years back. But, it just didn't feel right at the time. We knew we wanted a change and we wanted our kids to be near cousins. So, that left either Kansas City or Houston as options. We chose to explore Houston. In our minds it made sense, but after a few visits to the area and many conversations with the Houston Microsoft team...it just didn't feel right. I never really had much of a pull to explore Kansas City because I lived there as a kid and I wanted to look into someplace different. So, after our attempt to relocate to Texas and not getting the vibe to do so, we put our desires of moving on the back burner. I ended up convincing myself that Las Vegas was my home and I am happy there. I am always hesitant to leave my comfort zone anyway, especially if there is an unsettling feeling in my stomach. That is why I decided I would be in Las Vegas forever.
One thing that made our move to Missouri actually happen, was the fact that I never really had an uneasy feeling. Sure I had nerves and worries, but that is given with such a big change...especially one that involves more than just myself. The main concern I had was, changing the dynamic of the family that already lives in Missouri. I have always been close with them even though we've lived so far apart. I knew they had their own routines so with us moving back...I wondered if that would be ok.
I have weird insecurities sometimes. I'll feel like a third wheel or like I am imposing or intruding...and that is with anything I do, anywhere I go or anyone I'm with. I'll always question, "Do they want me here?" "Am I interrupting something?" "Are they thinking, 'I wish she would just go away.'" I don't know why I feel this way...I just do. Always have.
So, because of these insecurities, I was really worried about bringing our family into a place that has been without our presence for so long. How will that settle with everyone? But...let me just tell you, it has felt so natural to be back here in Missouri. We have settled right in with open arms and big smiles. Sometimes I'll even think, "Why didn't we do this sooner??"
I can't believe how much I love it back here. Of course I miss my family and friends back in Vegas a lot and the familiarity and comfort from living there for so long. But, being back here, I feel like a little kid almost, experiencing things for the first time.
It's like a place that I've always dreamed of living, but never thought I'd really want to or be able to handle after living in a big city for so long.
It's the little things that I am enjoying like *the leaves falling from trees *seeing squirrels everywhere *having a cozy fireplace to look at all day when it's cold outside *enjoying cooking at home more because there aren't that many other options *letting Josie outside into our big backyard to explore then having to hose her down afterward *living in a neighborhood where everyone knows everyone *having lots of big windows to be able to see all the beauty around and watch the icky weather from inside a warm, comfy home *having the kids' schools on the same block *having the bus stop at the end of our driveway *the teachers sending weekly emails with the following week's agenda *driving streets with beautiful trees and land all around *all the gorgeous woodwork in every home *how different all the houses look from each other...and the list just goes on and on.
It's all just so different from the hustle bustle of Las Vegas. Everything is much more easy going and slower paced here. It's a really nice change.
It's so great to be around the family that I have lived away from for so long! The kids are having a blast with each other and are getting used to each others personalities and quirks and boundaries. I have been able to reconnect with my family and have really enjoyed seeing how similar our personalities are and how fun they are to be around.
I am really looking forward to that first snowfall!! All these years, I have hated the winter and Christmas season in Las Vegas. I have always wanted a white Christmas, to feel the cold, see all the festive lights and holiday décor, drink hot chocolate (for a good reason). I am so glad that we moved when we did because fall is actually my favorite season and Missouri did not disappoint. I was able to see and feel all the things that I love about fall too.
It's a whole new world for me here. I am so thankful that things happen in life the way that they do in order for us to be where we need to be.
Here are some pictures of some of the things we've done since we've been here.

Fun times with cousins...

Sydney and Marissa sleepover in their fort

Brett, Colby and Jamison playing football at Jacque's farm

 Desirae pestering Colby (he secretly loved it ;) )

Marissa and Alliyah (sister love)

 

 

The boys goofing off

Marissa and Sydney having fun swinging at a friends farm

 

Time for our hayride and farm fun...

We went around a 100 acre property on this hayride

 

 Entertainment time...

Tamara and Jacque had front row seats

 

 Mike and I snuggling close with our hot chocolate (my hot chocolate, actually)

 

Horse loving time...



 



We were also enjoying getting close to all the horses after the hayride

 

 Jacque's farm

The kids get to help out at the farm every now and then. Great experience for them.

 

 

It's nice to live in a place that has so much more to do outside for the kids...and Mike and I too. I'm looking forward to the spring as well to get Sydney more involved with the horses. And Mike and I will be able to tackle our overgrown backyard and turn it into someplace more fun to play in.

There is still a lot to do in our house to personalize it more, but I'm excited for the challenges and new experiences. :) :)