A bumpy road to success.

I decided to review all of my weigh-in's since I started this adventure. And, I have mixed feelings as to what I saw. Right now, I am at the same weight that I was back in August of 2012. All of the progress that I have made over the past 8 months...as far as weight loss is concerned...has went down the drain. That is a hard pill for me to swallow. And it, honestly, really pisses me off. There were 4 months of those 8, where I actually gained weight.
So...this, of course...makes me take a good hard look at what has been going on over these 8 months. I was on a great path from January 2012-July 2012. But, it all started to slowly get out of control in September. That is when we moved to our new house. Apparently, this transition was a lot harder on me than I thought. I had a good thing going at the other house. Although, I didn't think so at the time. But, I was comfortable there and I had my routine. Once we moved though...it seemed like all hell broke loose! It started with the actual move itself. The idea of moving was planned, but it ended up happening a lot faster than we had anticipated. I didn't have much time to prepare myself. We also had a lot of extra events happening at the same time...all of which were good though. It's just that, those events combined with the move, threw any ounce of my familiar routine, out the window. And, seeing as this weight loss journey was already challenging for me...the sudden change of "normal" life, made it almost unmanageable. However, I did manage to somewhat maintain my weight. There were lots of gains and then losses...lots of yo-yoing.
When I finally got my weigh-in's a little more under control, the holiday's came along. And, I got lazy...I ate more and exercised less. The new year came and I started to get back on a pretty good path. I was still struggling with the eating, but I was really trying hard to not let it get out of control. And, for awhile it was working. But, by the time March hit...my brain was fried! I was SO tired of thinking about food and calculating everything. I wanted a break!!
This break...I'm not so sure it was a good thing. But...it was necessary.
People that don't have a weight problem, don't understand how much food consumes the thoughts of those of us that do. I constantly think about food, whether I'm hungry or not. When I'm eating a meal...I'm already thinking about the next meal. If we go to an activity...sports games, playing at the park, running errands, etc...I need to make sure that snacks are planned out. It's like, if a couple of hours pass by...I need to eat!! My kids need to eat!! And, if they say that they're not hungry...it's unfathomable to me. "Really?? You're not hungry??" And because of this...I have developed such a warped dependence on food that I really don't know how to function otherwise.
This is why I needed a break. I went from total dependence on food with the self-given freedom to eat what I want...to complete restriction of what I ate and also viewing food as the enemy. This created such a mind war that, I think, it finally made me go a little crazy. Which explains the very large weight gain over the past few weeks. I am frustrated at the fact that the vision I had in my head of where I would be by this point, seems so far away still. It all comes down to "choice and accountability". I've made these choices and now I have to pay the price.
So...I am now at a point where I need tough love. Aimee has been compassionate and understanding with my unstable emotional state over the past month and she has 'stroked my hair' so to speak...to help me get through this. But now...it's back to business. She's tightening the reins and pulling me back on the track. She knows that I need threats to help me push myself to do things I don't want to. Which is exactly what she's doing. Burpee's! I hate Burpee's and she knows it. So...those are what's being threatened when I don't complete an assignment.
The great thing about me is...I can get really down on myself and throw spoiled brat fits...but I always come back around. I have no problem with analyzing my behaviors and admitting when I'm being stupid. Sometimes it takes longer than others, but I DO come back around. And, usually more determined than before.
I have worked too hard to piss ALL my progress away. So what if I have to re-lose 25 lbs! When I really focus on what I need to do...that'll come off in no time! I have had enough time to "regroup" and have my emotional breakdowns. I am learning to keep my priorities straight even when my life feels like it's in complete chaos. Just take a deep breath and stay focused on the goal.
"I am a work in progress" "I am strong" "I am changing my life" I CAN DO THIS!!

 

 

Suck it up and face the music.

Have you ever went on vacation and had so much fun you didn't want to come home and have to go back to work?
This is where I am at right now. I have taken my "mental break" aka "vacation" from counting my calories and exercising 5 days a week. It was a very nice break although it was also very damaging.
I managed to put on over 20 lbs during this break. I know...I know...I say that "it's ok...I need the break...I'll get that weight back off, no problem!" Well...let me just tell you how hard it is for me to get back into the routine that I need to be in!!
I keep going through these phases...these reckless phases of making a huge mess that I end up having to clean up. And for what??? So I can eat like a pig and make myself feel miserable! Why??
My whole adult life I have only had the sensation or feeling of being heavy...then heavier...then heavier...until I eventually ended up being 200 lbs heavier in a matter of 15 years, most of which was within the last 9 years. So, I have had a lifestyle for 15+ years of eating everything I want, which was, poorly, frequently and in grand proportions. Not to mention, 15+ years of basically sitting on my butt. That's a long time to ingrain a much enjoyed lifestyle into my brain. So, for me to expect myself to turn around and completely change 15+ years of bad habits in a matter of months...is absurd! BUT... that is EXACTLY what I want to do. And, I am very frustrated that it's NOT that easy!! I want it to be easy! I am not good at sticking with things that start to get too hard.
This is how I see it...right now, I am coddling myself too much. I have reached a point that I am very uncomfortable with and I am scared. As I have said in some of my previous posts...I am at a point that I need to make some serious changes. And, it is freaking me out!! Just thinking about all the foods...and yes, it's the food part that has me so freaked out...just thinking about how drastically I need to change the way I eat, is like stripping away my security blanket. How am I going to do this? How will I enjoy life? Will I ever be able to eat freely without going overboard? Yes...I know...I am being VERY dramatic. But in my over-thinking mind, this is what I think.
The way that I have been behaving lately whenever I start to really buckle down and make that leap is almost one of panic. I will go into a survival mode and then eat as much junk as I can...because "I'll never be able to eat it again" or so I think. I will have those days, that turn into weeks and now has turned into over a month of this behavior. If I'm not careful and don't get myself out of this mindset, I will gain all this weight back. And, I DO NOT want that.
One thing that I have in my corner now is, I finally have that feeling of getting lighter...and then lighter...and having those small victories...and then another small victory. Those feelings are AWESOME! And...that is what I need to focus on. I have to redirect my thoughts of panic and remember how wonderful it was, to buckle that seatbelt with out an extension...how exhilarating it was, to be able to race with my family in that Go-Kart...how excited I was, to fit in that roller coaster seat...how nice it is, to be able to hold my husband closer and closer...how rewarding it is, to fit in smaller clothes. Those are the things I need to think about in order to get myself back on track. And, that is exactly what I'll do.
Bottom line, in all honesty is...I wish I could eat the way I have always known without having to worry about it. But...that is my unrealistic self talking, and I know that. Now, the more logical and straight forward self is saying, "Get over it and grow up! Do you want to be a prisoner in your own body? Or do you want to quit your bitching and face the music?" And...the answer is...**with my head hanging low, in a bummed out tone** "I guess I'll face the music and quit my bitchin'. Damn it."
So there it is. I'm gonna put my big girl panties on, roll up my sleeves and git 'er done!
I CAN DO HARD THINGS. I AM STRONG. I WILL SUCCEED.

Back on Track

Black and White. All or Nothing. Perfection or Failure. There is a lot of "in between" that I'm missing by living this way.
I've had a mini meltdown. As it is a so perfectly obvious from my last post. But, no worries...I am ok.
As Aimee has put it, I need a "mental break". And, she is absolutely right.
Since January of 2012, I have been focused on exercise and losing weight. It has consumed my every thought. I wanted to take FULL advantage of having the luxury of being a stay at home mom with all my kids in school. I have neglected myself so much that I gained over 200 lbs since high school. So now, it was time to focus on me and get this body back into good health and looking good again!
A great friend of mine, McKell, introduced me to her friend that was a trainer, Aimee. And, Aimee has changed my life! Granted, I was the one that had to put in the effort, but she was the one that took me under her wing. I joined Weight Watchers, started following that diligently. I began training with Aimee. And, soon after that...my transformation began. It has been such a great journey. And, I have changed so much.
I have been able to stick with this like nothing I have ever attempted before. Consistently tracking my food and exercising several days a week. And, I have been doing this for over a year...which, for me, is a miracle. But lately, I have noticed the desire to track and exercise decreasing. And, this is freaking me out. It's aggravating to worry about every little bite that goes in my mouth and have to figure out it's point value or how many calories it is. It's tiring to have to go do some form of exercise most days and not get to spend a whole day doing nothing. So...with that being said, this is why I need a "mental break". I need to regroup. I need that satisfaction of eating and not counting. I need the chance to have several days, entirely uninterrupted, to work on the little projects that have been put off.
And, the fact that Aimee even said I needed it, made me feel less guilty about doing it. And, let me just tell you...it has been wonderful! I have been able to just relax. Enjoy my home. Get things done. I have cleaned and organized. I have been able to focus on those "eye-sores" and get them done. It's amazing how much an organized room or uncluttered countertop can really lift your mood. I feel accomplished. I feel "caught up". It's hard to be able to focus on myself guilt free when in the back of my mind there is so much I want to do. This is how not exercising as much has helped me.
Food. This is where I get in trouble. Not counting. OOOOHHHH dear! I'll just say that, I have my work cut out for me. But, I am ok with that. It has been nice to just eat.
I can feel my emotions are getting back under control. I feel rested. I feel ready to move on to Round 2. This little breather is just what I needed. I know this delays my progress physically, but as I've said before...I am working on FULL body transformation. And, this is helping my emotional health.
There have been a couple of things that have been stress contributors over the past several months. Sydney and seeing a new doctor to get blood work done and have full body work up.
I am pleased to say that Sydney is coming out of her funk. She had her tonsils taken out. Thank goodness!! But, even before that, her clinginess was getting better. The nighttime routine is pretty much back to normal. The mommy attachment is not 100% gone yet, but is MUCH better than it was. Her moods and emotions aren't so all over the place like they were. And, this has helped my mood and irritation level tremendously.
I got the results from all my blood work. My doctor is concerned with my kidneys. She is planning on changing up my medicine that I take for Diabetes and water retention. She doesn't like what I'm currently taking and feels they are hurting my kidneys. My thyroid is being rechecked. The thyroid itself is low, but the hormone that controls it is fine...which is odd. The hormones that are out of whack have a lot to do with the Diabetes. So, once I get that under control, my health will really start to get back to normal. There are still a couple of things I'm waiting to hear back on. I'll have more answers in a few weeks.
I just did another sleep study to see if the weight loss has helped my sleep apnea. I am sad to say, it hasn't. I still have severe sleep apnea. I had over 66 sleep interruptions per hour...any number over 30 interruptions, is considered "severe". The interruptions were because I stopped breathing...I did that periodically for around 10 seconds each time. It's also from my oxygen level dropping...my lowest was 83%. There are also other contributors, but they didn't go over all of them.
All in all...things are starting to get back in to order. For now, anyway. LOL!
All I can say is...I am learning a lot about myself. It's hard to change. It's hard to do things that aren't what you really want to do. I have to breathe and not be so hard on myself. I have to learn to say no. I have to keep pushing myself.
What's the most fun about this whole process is being able to share it with my kids. My kids are totally involved in my progress...good or bad. They pay attention to what I'm doing. They ask how I'm doing. I am completely open and honest with them. I think it is so important to show my kids that I struggle with things too. I have good days and bad days. I have good weeks and bad weeks. The most important thing is...to NOT give up! Stay open-minded, don't be afraid to admit short comings and ask for help. We all need help at some point.
So...the old Jill is emerging again. The strung out basket case had her little episode in a pretty white coat hugging herself in a pretty padded room. I'm ready to go. I have regrouped and I have made a plan of action of the things I want to change. As my body and mind continues to transform, I am sure I will need other periods of regrouping. But...for now, I'm good.
Ding...Ding...Ding...ROUND TWO.