Low Self Esteem...Feelings of Inadequacy

Being put under a micro-scope is a very stressful way to live. I am guilty of doing this to myself. I nit-pick at everything that I do, and it is exhausting! I am currently in a pretty crappy emotional head space and I brought it all on myself. I put so much pressure on myself to be the best at everything that I do, which in all reality, that is what we should all strive for. Problem is...when I don't perform the way that I feel "the best" is, I beat myself up emotionally. And, honestly...I don't really know what "best" is. All I know is...that in my mind, I never get there.
I have ALWAYS had a problem with low self-esteem. And, it's not from my parents or my husband. They are my rocks and are so supportive and complimentary. It is a characteristic that is part of my personality. I may appear strong to most, but I am always insecure about the things that I do...the things that I know...the things that I say. I probably drive Mike nuts with constantly asking him to tell me what to do or if I'm doing what's right. I am not secure in my decisions most of the time, so I need reassurance for a lot. I question myself constantly in just about every aspect of life. I ask for guidance all the time because of my insecurities.
Here are a few examples of areas in which I second guess myself...
Politics. I don't follow politics much. It gives me a headache and I don't understand most of what is being said. So, during election time I relied on Mike and my parents to "dumb it down" for me. Give me a 5 minute low down on the positives and negatives of both parties. Which they did the best they could at helping me understand all the issues in debate. But, even with that, I was seriously considering not voting because I wasn't secure with my choice. I felt that I was doing a disservice by voting for something I didn't feel very informed about. I didn't want to vote the "wrong" person and explain why I voted that way. What I really wanted was for them to tell me who to vote for. Problem was...they didn't agree. SO...that totally screwed me up!! Now, I have to choose for myself and then feel like I didn't "listen" to one of them. This is where low self-esteem sucks. I can't even be ok with my own decision of who to vote for.
Church. I feel completely inadequate at church most of the time. I was blessed with the ability to FORGET everything I read and study almost immediately. And, let me just tell you how frustrating that is. I have a calling where I teach these sweet little kids and I end up learning more from them than they do from me. How is that right? I talk to my friends and other members and they are able to rattle off scriptures and give great references to different scenarios. I know I expect too much of myself most of the time, but I just wish I could retain all these great lessons that I've learned. Maybe then I can feel like I am contributing something.
My kids. My responsibilities. My job as a stay-at-home mom. Where do I begin. I want my kids to excel at everything they do. So, am I doing a good job at being their mom if they don't? I spend too much time on creating charts and timelines to try to keep our household perfectly organized. Why?? I agree with a calendar, so we know what activities we have. I agree with a meal plan so we know what's for dinner. Although, I need to simplify this one. But, really...I just enjoy being laid back. I enjoy getting the work done without the feel of a drill sergeant breathing down my neck. Is that ok? This is what I question. I second guess myself at how I run my own household. Why?? Most likely it is because I am constantly seeing how "wonderful" and "put together" other moms are with their charts and perfectly behaved children. Pinterest is a huge self-esteem killer! It has great ideas for a lot of things. But...it also has an effect on how I view myself. Am I good enough?? Look what they do...I need to do that. I was perfectly happy with my un-scheduled, un-charted, un-meal-planned life. So now...again...I feel inadequate.
My weight loss journey. Emotionally, I am struggling. As I'm sure you've gathered so far by reading this post. LOL. :) So, getting past this, is my biggest concern right now. I am not making much progress physically because I am focusing a lot on my thoughts and hang-ups. I am working on not being so hard on myself. I have to stop "discounting the positives" which means...I need to be happy with all progress. Even if it's not what I feel is "the best". I need to acknowledge all the work I do and give myself credit. My constant state of disapproval and feeling like I should have done more...weighs on me after awhile, which causes my emotional downward spiral. And, that leads to eating. I go through these stages, they usually don't last long. I cry, have my little pity party, do some soul searching, find my inner peace and get over it. Expressing myself is the first step, it helps to let it all out. Sorry for this post being so depressing because of that.
Journey...that is exactly what this is. I am working hard at transforming all areas, not just my waistline. If I am healthy emotionally...everything else will fall into place. I am NOT giving up!! Whether it takes 2 years or 5 years...I WILL conquer this. I WILL reach my goals!!
I am so grateful for all the awesome people in my life that offer so much encouragement and support and cheer me on!! It makes a HUGE difference!! Thank you! Thank you!

Fitness Filled and Fast Food Free

So, lately I have been in a negative head space and I apologize for my last several posts being so bitchy. Pardon the language. ;)
My frustrations are because I know I have to give up or drastically cut down on something that has been a staple in my life for a long, long time. And, the thought of that really terrifies me which has really affected my mood. It's like a security blanket being taken away. And, when I say that, it actually is quite silly when I think about it. But...that's how I feel.
The thing that I need to give up is the extremely unhealthy eating of SO much fast food...along with the over-consumption of junk food/desserts. I have depended on the convenience of fast food my whole adult life and it has really affected my ability to think of a different way of eating. I don't know if it's losing the taste of the food or the convenience of it that scares me the most. I honestly think it's losing the convenience. I won't have that fall back whenever I'm tired or not in the mood to cook or running late or shuttling kids from activity to activity. That's what scares me!
I am not the best planner. I get sidetracked very easily. I have a lot of great ideas and thoughts of how I want things done, but not always the best at putting them into action. Meal planning is a prime example of that. So, fast food is a frequent life saver for me. Whenever, things are chaotic and I don't have the groceries I need to make what I want...fast food it is! I'm not very creative in the kitchen, so just whipping up something is a difficult thing for me to do.
The main reason why I know I need to make a change to this crutch is because my body is not losing weight like it used to. Over this past year, I have lost a lot of weight and I have been able to do so without eliminating anything...I've just cut back on the frequencies of the unhealthy choices. And, for a long time that was fine. But, I have noticed that the weeks that I have a poor weight loss or a gain, are the weeks that I eat a lot of fast food. I mean, I still stuck to my points/calories but I filled them with sodium and fat filled choices. My body won't let me "cheat" anymore. It's time to really get serious and give my diet a complete overhaul.
A great friend of mine, Ruth, is starting a month long challenge with her family that is extremely hard for her to do. She is doing this to benefit the health of her whole family. And, I admire her courage to completely step out of her comfort zone and deny herself of something she loves. Ruth is one of those people that can have a huge impact on your way of thinking by only saying a few words. And I mean that in a positive way! :) After reading of her challenge...it got me to thinking. I need to do something like that. I need to give my weight loss journey a "jump" to get it going again...in a consistent pattern of LOSING.
So...this is my challenge for my whole family. I am calling it the "Fitness Filled and Fast Food Free" challenge. For one month, our family will not eat fast food. And, for one month, our family will get activity everyday for a minimum of 30 minutes. And...here are the specifics.
Fast Food~
McDonalds, Burger King, Taco Bell, Jack in the Box, Arby's, In and Out, Wendy's, Weinerschnitzel, Del Taco, Panda Express, Freddy's, Carl's Jr, Long John Silver's, A&W, Five Guys, Sonic...
You get the picture. Basically, anything with a drive thru. My ultimate goal is to eat home as much as possible. I want to eat way more natural foods and less processed crap. I retain water like a camel. My legs blow up with fluid when I eat out all the time because of the sodium content. It's miserable and I feel awful. I will still eat out some, just very limited and I will not go to the above stated. Certain places like Subway, El Pollo Loco, Café Rio I feel are ok, but I still want to only use those as a treat and not everyday. The more I eat home the better...that way I have control over what "extras" go in my food.
Activity for the family~
Anything to get us moving!! A walk around the neighborhood, X-box Kinect Sports or Dance, sports at the park...whatever our little hearts desire for that day.
I am really excited for this challenge! I am also very nervous because I am going to have to sit my butt down and force myself to meal plan. But...the more prepared that I am, the more successful I will be. I still have over 100 lbs to lose. I am almost half way there!! It's time to step it up and make some difficult changes. I have a feeling that it will have positive results in many different ways! Game on!! Time for my own version of "March Madness". Thanks Ruth for inspiring me!! :)

The Anxiety of Change

Anxiety. This is a word that has been popping in my head lately. My emotions have been all over the place. I feel like my life will never calm down. Every corner I turn in my house, I see a mess that needs to be cleaned up. Figuratively speaking. It's not always because my house is messy, it's because I see a "project" that needs to get done. Although, my house is usually messy...at least to my standards anyway. What I mean is... I can't relax. I can't just veg out and enjoy myself without thinking about all of the things that I need to get done. And, I am driving myself nuts.
And, something else that makes this "anxiety" more of a problem, is my constant going up and down with my weight. This is pissing me off!! And, you know why it's pissing me off??? It's because, I know that I am going to have to start making some big time changes that I have been denying for a long time and I don't want to! I keep hoping that somehow miraculously the weight will continue to come off by sticking with the same plan the whole time. WRONG! My body has changed...so it's not reacting to what I'm used to giving it. And, that scares me.
I feel that I am usually pretty good with change. But, when it comes to food...I am stubborn. And, I don't want to give up what I know and love. So, this is where panic sets in. Can I do this???
Honestly, I know that I can. It's just going to be extremely hard. And, I don't want to fail.
I have a big problem with rebellion. I don't like to be told what to do. The second that I am told that I can't have or do something...that is the first thing I want to do. Aimee gave me a challenge today, no sugar or fast food for 2 days. And, right after she gave me that challenge...panic set in. "Oh crap! Now what? What am I going to eat? I haven't planned dinner! I'm supposed to be with my parents. How is this going to work?!?" This reaction is why I am wondering if this "anxiety" word is more than just a word. I'm starting to think that I may have a real problem here.
I fret about everything. I stress about stupid stuff. I over-complicate everything. I worry about worrying too much. There are so many little things that bug me or irritate me instantly. Honestly, I exhaust myself with the constant mind battles I have over everything. I need something to help me chill out! I keep telling myself over and over again that things will calm down. Well...things haven't and they won't.
First off, let me just tell you that, I hate medicine! The last thing that I want is more medicine! So, for me to even entertain this idea, is a big deal. But, I am not naïve to the fact that sometimes we just need a little help, even if it's temporary. And, I feel like my brain is having a really hard time making connections and focusing and calming down. So...maybe a little bit of medicinal help is what I need. And, I can't believe I'm saying that.
You know what really irritates me about all of this. I feel like I am just one big wussy and I need to get a grip and suck it up!! There are so many of my friends that have way more on their plate than I do and I feel like a loser because I am even complaining about my easy little life. But still...I feel like I'm spinning out of control and I just need help calming down.
I went to the doctor and had some very thorough blood work done. My doctor is checking out all kinds of stuff...hormones are the main focus. So, once I get those results, maybe that will explain my state of mind. Until then, I will do my best to get myself back on track and figure out what I need to do to get back to the pattern of just losing weight.
Aimee also gave me a great metaphor again that helped me understand how to address all the things that I feel I need to change. It goes along with the line of trying to eliminate my "all or nothing" thinking and to take small steps. The metaphor is about boiling a frog. I will apologize in advance to all the animal lovers. Here it is...'If you throw a frog into boiling water it will jump out. But, if you put the frog into a pot with nice pleasant water and slowly begin to increase the heat, it will not perceive the danger and end up getting cooked to death.' Morbid, I know. But, this is how I can relate it to my situation...if I try to change everything all at once, I will panic and jump out. But...if I start small and take small steps, I will be able to adapt easier which will make the changes less overwhelming and scary for me. Thanks Aimee for once again giving me the visual that I need.
I know this is just a speed bump and I will get over it.