Re-evaluating me.

This is how I see myself. I am a 35 year old woman with a 45 year old body and a 25 year old mind. At some point I need to merge those ages into one. And since, I can't turn back time and I don't want to be older than I am...I guess my goal, is to be my current age. Profound, huh?
Well...I am working on changing my body to perform better than a 45 year old. No offense to the 45 year olds that are in awesome shape! ;) And, that mission is going splendidly!
However...convincing myself that I am not 25 years old anymore, is a little more challenging. I catch myself comparing my lifestyle of 10 years ago to my lifestyle now. I'll be thinking...I was much more "chill" back then and life just seemed to be more fun. Why is that?? Uh...could it be that I have 3 older kids that require much different attention now? YEP! Could it be that I have different responsibilities now that require more of my time? YEP! My life is ever-changing and my mind is stuck in the past. I just can't operate that way anymore. Which means I need to take a step back and re-evaluate myself. What is working? What is NOT working? What needs to be changed? What do I need to do to be able to "chill" again?
One thing that I tend to do on a regular basis is over-complicate things! It doesn't matter what it is...I over-complicate everything! Every week I say to myself, "Ok...I need to sit down and make a meal plan, get my grocery list made, get the groceries, come home and prep everything and then I don't have to worry about 'what's for dinner? what's for lunch?'" Pretty simple right? Well...let me just tell you how complicated I make this for myself. I have to be creative and interesting! Who wants the same boring things to eat all the time?? So, I pull out 20 cookbooks, spend 2 hours on Pinterest "researching" to make it fun and exciting for myself and the family. And, by the time I have finished my "research" my brain is fried and I have completely checked out of the whole project. Leaving myself back at square one...totally unprepared and winging it, making it more stressful and usually less healthy come mealtime. I have come to realize that my family really doesn't care. They are happy with food...for the most part. So, why do I stress myself out so much? Make a list of the favorites, try some new ones every once and awhile. And leave it at that.
SIMPLIFY!!!
Another thing I over-complicate is housework...assigning chores in particular. I am a control freak. There is a certain way that I like things done. So, having an 11 year old or 6 year old do it, is a tough thing for me to do. But...if I want help, then I need to let go of that control and teach them how to do it. As Mike puts it, they're going to have to learn to do these things for when they get older, so let them do it. True statement. So...I now have to over-complicate doing chores. I spend 2 hours on Pinterest (gotta love Pinterest) "researching" how other moms handle handing out chores. I find all kinds of fun ideas for charts or jars or boards...so of course, I have to spend lots of money buying the stuff to make these charts...and then I have to spend hours putting it together so it's visually appealing. Only to present it to my kids, that are less than impressed at my mad skills, and then only follow that awesome chart for maybe a week. When...really, all I needed to do was say, "Colby go vacuum the living room."
SIMPLIFY!!!
I waste so much time on unnecessary things. And then I have a hard time letting myself relax and just being able to "chill" because I feel like I need to get these things done. If I would just simplify the mundane things, then it wouldn't always be hanging over my head waiting to get done.
The biggest lesson I need to learn is how to manage my time. Once I figure that out, and I am able to come up with a "simple" plan to get all the necessary tasks done, it will be a weight lifted off my shoulders. Then I can focus on the "fun" things and I can enjoy "relax" time without the guilt. I need to get out of my "25 year old thinking" and be better at forcing myself to do those "boring" jobs that I hate. When I do that, I bet that will make a world of difference in my moods.
Prioritize. No one says that I can't do fun things...I just need to get the other stuff done first. Just like I tell my kids, no playing until your homework is done. I guess I need to practice what I preach.
I also need to stop re-doing things that work perfectly fine the way they are. I find myself constantly wanting to redecorate or reorganize every room. Why?? It works just fine the way it is!! Why do I feel the need to waste the time and money on it. I don't know. It's just one of those things that I have to frequently give myself a reality check before I get involved another project. Mike just rolls his eyes. Understandably so. It's irritating for them because they get used to something and then I change it. But...I am aware of my problem and I am getting much better at stopping myself before it goes too far.
So...I have re-evaluated what I need to do. Now...the next step is to actually do it! That's the tricky part.
I feel it is so important to be aware of myself and my behaviors and not be afraid to admit that I need to change. I know I'm not perfect. But, I do strive to be the best that I can be...I do try to set the best example that I can. And, I also try to not get so wrapped up in how everyone else is doing it because I am different, my family is different therefore we will function differently. And, there's nothing wrong with that.
SIMPLIFY...BALANCE...MODERATION
Those are the 3 words that are forever circling in my brain...just waiting to find their place to settle. My job is to figure out how to make them work for me and create a nice resting spot for them, so they're not such a headache to me anymore. That is why I am always open to re-evaluating what's working and what's not.

Time for a tune-up!

Well...this week was my most destructive week so far. You'd think that my screw up weeks would get less damaging instead of more damaging with time. No such luck.
The most frustrating part about this back and forth dance of mine, is that I am completely aware of what I am doing. Yet, I still get mad at the scale for "not having my back". It's supposed to hide the fact that I ate enough crap in one week to gain 13 lbs...it's supposed to lie to me so I can keep the wool over my eyes and not face the fact that I just screwed up. I am supposed to be able to eat whatever I want and still lose weight...wouldn't that be nice. Ohhhh Jill...grow up!! Get back to reality.
So...that's the question. What is reality? What is the cause of this self destruction? Is it self sabotage?? Could be. I don't know what it's like to be thin. I don't know what it's like to not be self conscious about my size. Am I scared to enter into the unknown? I can't understand why I would be. I mean, there is so much I am missing out on because of my size...why wouldn't I want to change that? This is the pattern that I have struggled with time and time again. I am really successful and then I hit that wall. That stupid wall. What do I need to do or change to get over this unmoving wall? I climb it...I get to the top...I look down...I decide to fall back the other way again. Sometimes I just let go and take the plunge backwards...sometimes I get a grip and dangle for a while. No more climbing...I'm just gonna take a giant sledgehammer and pound the shit out of that wall! I'm tired of this!!
Ok...enough of that.
There has got to be a logical reason for my issues. Hormones?? Body Chemistry?? Quite possibly. The pattern I have...and I am sure most women can relate...is that once a month I go through this. Right before my cycle is the hardest for me. I am completely out of my mind...my whole mood and attitude changes. I go from driven, motivated and disciplined to tired, irritable and no desire to follow "my" rules. And, when I get in the mindset of "nobody tells me what to do" I tend to get a little out of control. Towards myself...it's never aimed at anybody else...just me. So, instead of eating one cookie...I eat 12. Instead of eating a salad...I order the most fattening and super sized fast food meal I can think of...with a side of ranch, just to spite. To top it all off and really "show myself who's boss" I don't exercise either. That'll show me!
Why do I do this?? I don't know. It's pretty darn stupid when I look back on it. But...during that moment of weakness...all rational, logical, intelligent thoughts are nowhere to be found.
So...here's my thought. I am 35 years old and my body has changed quite a bit over the last year. Most likely...there is some stuff going on in my body that is out of my control. I'll take that as a cue to go get myself a complete physical and see what's going on. So, I am going to get all my hormones checked, allergy panel and whatever else my doctor sees fit.
I am doing pretty well controlling myself otherwise. I am just ready to stop this back and forth dance and then break down that wall so I can get back on track with losing weight. No more yo-yoing! I am so tired of that!!
My mind is still in this!! I am NOT quitting!! I just need to take a look at the whole picture of what's going on and make the necessary adjustments to get back on track! :) :)

Listen to your body.

This quote seriously just brought tears to my eyes. I am SO frustrated with myself!
It will never be easy and it will never end.
One step forward...2 steps back. One step forward...two steps back. I don't consider myself a dancer, but I have gotten really good at this dance!
FOOD!!!! WHY must you torment me so?!?
I don't like to throw blame for my own actions...but...hormones, I feel, are a key player in my current "love" of this dance. In a month, there are 4-5 weeks, right?. And, in a month, there are 1-2 weeks that I want to devour everything I see. Coincidence?? I think not. How do I fix this?? Lock myself in a room with no food...oh, if only it were that easy!
This week, it has been S.U.G.A.R...I want sugar and LOTS of it! And...do I say no?? NOPE! I eat it...I love it...I want more of it...and I know that what I am doing is completely screwing up my plan!
But...here is where my head on this. And, it could be only because I am trying to validate my poor choices somehow. Whatever the reason... here is my thought. This is a life journey, right? I am learning how to change my lifestyle, right? Well, I know that, 90% of the time, if not more, I behave myself. I eat well, I exercise and I lose weight. So...that 10% or less, that I screw up or give in, should be allowed in my opinion. Without beating myself up...too bad. Is that lame? Is that asking too much? I don't think so.

"No man is a failure who is enjoying life" ~William Feather
"Failure is only the opportunity to begin again more intelligently."  ~Henry Ford
"The person interested in success has to learn to view failure as a healthy, inevitable part of the process of getting to the top." ~Dr. Joyce Brothers
"I've failed over and over and over again in my life and that is why I succeed." ~Michael Jordan

Of course...I want everything I do to be perfect, no hiccups or missteps. But that's not realistic. I know I am not a failure, but that doesn't mean that I still don't feel like I've failed when I have a week or two of going of course. I am having to correct my moments of weakness over and over, and that gets frustrating. But, I keep telling myself...this is life...this is my life. And, if that's how I have to operate to succeed than so be it...it will just take me a little longer to get to my goal. At least, I will get there and I will have learned how to fall and get back up.
One good thing that has come from my new "step" dance, is that I have become much more aware of my body and how it reacts to my behaviors. I am learning how to "listen to my body", something that Aimee tells me to do on a regular basis. I have been very fortunate when it comes to my health, I don't get sick very often and I am not affected by allergies much. I have never been one that has to analyze every single ache or pain or sneeze. I pretty much have the attitude of, "whatever...it'll pass, just let it run it's course".
What has changed in the way that I live, is how I eat and how much more exercise that I get now. So, my mind and my body have experienced something different...something to use in comparison when I get off track. What I mean by that is, I am much more aware of my body and how different it feels when I eat like crap. Because now I know what it feels like when I eat healthy too. So, I have that comparison.
I have started to drink soda again. BIG mistake!! I have noticed huge differences because of that. Soda is the devil! It causes so many side effects that I have forgotten about because of eliminating it for so long. I am hungrier, moodier, more tired, crave sugar, crave more soda, retain water more, my lips are dry because I'm not drinking enough water, my mind is foggy, my eyes feel unfocused...I'm sure there's more. But...even after I said all that...I want a soda!! So, that's my point, it's the devil!!
Anyway...what I am trying to say is...my 2 steps back help me get a better view, so I can twirl ahead of where I was before. 
I am listening to my body and how it feels when I don't take care of it. If I act on that and quit giving into things that I want now, it will help me get to the thing that I want most! To be healthy...in body, mind and soul. Listening to my body is not just about food, it's about rest and giving it whatever attention it needs at that moment. That will bring me overall health. 
So, these missteps or "failures" have been a good thing because it has given me the ability to listen to my body. I am able to recognize what I need because I now have something to use as reference. In time I will be able to respect my needs and not let my temptations get the best of me so often. My ickiness feeling will outweigh the "bliss" feeling. In time...I hope, sooner than later.
Remember...patience, understanding, compassion and forgiveness.