Coming through dark days.

 I am finally coming out of one of the worst years mentally in my life. Depression and anxiety are no joke. I have had my fair share of down days or blah days, but when it turns from days into weeks into months, that is scary. And, when you go from a somewhat fearless, independent person to one that's fearful and dependent, it raises some red flags. 

I was so unlike myself for a really long time. I wasn't smiling much, laughing much, didn't want to talk, I felt so disconnected. I was borderline agorophobic due to my anxiety. I was afraid to drive, especially if it was somewhere unfamiliar. My thoughts were obsessing on my fears making them worse. I wanted Mike glued to my hip bc he was my comfort and I was terrified something bad would happen to him. I was overly worried when anyone I loved went out somewhere especially if they were traveling. I was waking up with horrible images and fears to the point that sometimes it made me physically shake. I told Mike about that and ever since then he has woke up a little earlier every morning just to snuggle up behind me, hold me close and gently rub my back and arms to help my mind settle down. It has seriously helped me not start the day on high alert or extremely down. 

Some days were incredibly low which put my mind and thoughts in a very dark place. I was thinking of my future and it seemed very bleak. Nothing I did or knew how to do seemed appealing anymore. I didn't want to craft or sew. My body isn't in shape to stand on my feet or walk for any length of time. My memory is crap so learning anything new seemed out of reach. Plus my added anxiety had me afraid to even get out into the world. If that wasn't enough, my kids are grown so my role as a mom, all I've done or known for 20+ years has changed. They don't need me anymore. That's what I was telling myself. I felt completely worthless. I honestly thought, on many occasions, what do I have to live for? In my eyes, I was just existing. Day by day, I'd wake up, tired, no motivation or desire to do anything productive, I'd overthink about whatever I was obsessing on for the day and then look forward to going back to bed at the end of the day. This was my life for quite awhile. Sure, I'd put on a happy face when I needed to, but inside I was a mess. 

I knew something wasn't right, but I couldn't figure out what was going on. All I knew was that I didn't feel like myself or act like myself at all. I was very reclusive, antisocial and NOTHING brought me joy. And, let me tell you, when your mind isn't right, negative and irrational thoughts begin to enter and poison everything. That's exactly what was happening. I was stuck in a self loathing loop. My confidence was completely shattered. I didn't understand how anyone would want to be around me anymore. I was afraid that this was my new normal. I was miserable. 

I knew I needed to reach out and address this. Luckily, that's not hard for me since I'm a naturally open person. So, I began sharing my concerns and thoughts with my family and my doctor. And, I started seeing a therapist. 

My first thought was perimenopause because I'm that age and my cycles have been very irregular. I reached out to a hormone specialist and she got bloodwork to check out my levels which showed that they were off a little. So she put me on progesterone, testosterone and dhea. I can't take estrogen bc I'm on blood thinners. My biggest complaint was fatigue and motivation at that point. I took those for several months and didn't notice anything improving. The only thing I noticed was that I had NO interest in food at all. Which was very liberating on one hand bc that's what I've wished for my whole life. But on the other hand it was very strange. It was like my whole identity or love of life had been stripped away. My vice that provided comfort and joy was gone. Food was my everything. On the plus side though, I dropped quite a bit of weight in a short amount of time, so that was rewarding. But, during that time I also noticed my anxiety was getting worse. A lot worse. 

I tried to think of what else was going on that could cause this. I had recently started a job that was ideal for me. It was for a company owned and ran by friends, it was part time from home making a very decent wage. The downside for me was it caused me a lot of stress. To the point that I felt on edge all the time. I had to answer calls coming in about people having problems with their equipment, I'd try to troubleshoot as best as possible, and then schedule a service call if needed. Sounds relatively easy right? Well...for my perfectionist, impatient and people pleasing brain it was very challenging. Problem was, my memory sucks, so learning the product wasn't happening as quickly as I wanted, which made troubleshooting unproductive most of the time. And, people got aggravated with having to wait for a service call. So, in my mind I was letting people down all the time and after awhile that affects your mood. I'm not the best business person bc I want to make everyone happy and a lot of times you just can't.  Anyway, this was a seasonal job and the end of the season was approaching. So, I had to decide if the stress I was creating for myself was contributing to the progressing anxiety. I decided to focus on my mental health so I had to decline the offer to return the next year. 

While all of this was happening, I was waiting to talk to my doctor about changing up my depression/anxiety meds. I had just started the hormone medications and my job at about the same time. So I wanted to give those meds a chance to work and not change up anything else in the process. Once I decided to stop taking the hormone meds and I stopped working, I waited a little bit to see if that helped. It didn't help. By this point, I had been dealing with the decline of my mental health for over six months. It was time to address the depression/anxiety meds next. 

Thankfully, I have an incredible primary care doctor who has been with me through everything I've dealt with over the last 10 years or so. So he knows me very well. Besides the stressful job and perimenopause, there have also been other added stressors in my life over the last couple of years that could have contributed to my decline. My kids growing up is one...Colby going to Africa for 2 years and my youngest graduating high school. It's hard to imagine my world without them in it daily. It's really sad. We also had a family member living with us for a year and a half due to health problems. Because of this, I was unable to go to my craft area if I needed an outlet. That was a difficult time for many reasons. Anyway... So, I compiled all my triggers and went to see Doc and laid it all out for him. I explained what I have tried to do already to help myself, but nothing has worked. He listened. We talked. And, he took me off a med I had been on for years and started me on a new one. Gradually. I didn't even notice a change coming off my old one, which indicates it wasn't working so well. Over the next few months, he monitored me and I checked in monthly. He increased the dose a few times and I finally started feeling improvements. What a relief! During one of our discussions, I had said something that got him concerned about ADHD. He said that symptoms for that and anxiety overlap, so he had me take a test. Whelp...I have ADHD. I am honestly not surprised.  I've wondered about that for a really long time. Now I'm on a new med for that as well, which has also been bumped up a few times. I THINK...I am FINALLY to a point that I am about as normal as I can be. I'm still going through perimenopause and I'm still trying to find my new purpose now that the kids are grown. But...being on the right meds keeps me out of the dark space. 

Progression... Some of my anxieties are still there, just much less severe. I'm able to drive more places without so much worry. I have been pushing myself to do so. Getting out of the house is easier. My antisocial tendencies are still there, but I think that comes with age. Plus, my life is pretty boring so I don't really have much to say. My mood is much better and I feel happier. One big thing that I forced myself to do was going back to school. I initially did it just to get out of the house and challenge myself, but it was so much more. It helped me gain some confidence back and helped me envision a future for myself. That was probably the most damaging to my whole spiral was feeling worthless and hopeless. I still have some work to do, but I'm finally on a good path. It's something that I will have to keep an eye on and make adjustments when necessary though. I am so thankful for my amazing husband for being my rock, shoulder and never giving up on me. I have an incredible support system all around that has been there for me through this. I am so blessed. 

Update and Fear

Long time no see... or read. 😊 It's been roughly a year and a half since my last post. Crazy how time flies. 

You may want to reread my last post to get up to date on all things Jill. 

Here's a brief look into my health as of right now. I am currently taking a shit load of pills for a shit load of problems. Let's see...I have Lupus, Fibromyalgia, Diabetes, Lipedema, Hypothyroidism, high cholesterol, Spondylolisthesis, Osteoarthritis, Sleep Apnea...I'm sure there's more. 🤷‍♀️ Plus I am still fighting with Cushing's Syndrome only because I am taking a dose higher than needed of Hydrocortisone, which is a hormone replacement for Cortisol. My body is not responding well when I try to wean off. So...I am taking it really slow. In the meantime,  my body still has too much Cortisol which puts extra stress on my body internally. On a positive note...my blood sugar numbers are GREAT! Woohoo!! 

I think the biggest problem I have right now is mobility. My knees are crap and my legs are weighed down because of the Lipedema (find my blog post about that one 🙄). So, it is a struggle to do anything requiring walking or standing. My legs scream at me with just a little bit of walking. It's VERY frustrating! And it limits me SO much.

Enough about that stuff. Now...what's going on with my life that isn't health related.... 🤔 

My kids... 

Colby is on a church mission for 2 years (1 year already served) in Tanzania, Africa. Yes. AFRICA. And. AND! He had to learn Swahili!  Say whaat??😳 Honestly though, I think it suits his personality very well. The first few months were hell for him, but after that, his Swahili got better and he got a new companion which helped tremendously! So far, he's continued to have good companions. Let's pray he continues to. 🙏🤞

Brett is going to the University of Central Missouri working towards a Computer Science degree.  He's a computer nerd, just like his dad. Thank the Lord for that one! 🙌 In addition to that, he works part time at Papa Murphy's, and he has went down an entrepreneurial path of buying video games, figures and consoles on Ebay and FB Marketplace to turn around and resell them to make a profit. He's doing really well too! 

Sydney just graduated high school with lots of awards and a GPA of over 4.0. She currently has been looking for a job, but hasn't found one yet. She's  applied to a lot of places, but just hasn't had any luck. Hopefully she'll find something soon. 🤞 She starts college at the Community College next week, taking some "boring" classes in addition to a couple fun ones. Her passion is in theatre, backstage management mainly, so she has her eyes set on that right now. Althoooough... after watching the movie "Twisters", she's thinking storm chasing sounds pretty cool. 😳 Uhhhh. Please no. 

Now back to me... lol

Right now I'm feeling a little lost because my Stay at Home Mom job has completely changed since all my children are now out of high school and my youngest will be an ADULT next month. I can't believe I'm THAT old!! I'm currently taking a Veterinary Assistant course through the Community College Continuing Education program.  And let me just tell you how under used my brain has been over the last 20+ years. My memory and ability to retain information is practically non existent.  Which is incredibly frustrating!! 😤 I hope when it's over I will have learned at least a little something.  🤷‍♀️

The thing is, at this time in my life, this transition period, is extremely scary for me. I have so much fear to go out into the real world again. I have looked for jobs within the Veterinary field and talk myself out of applying because of all the limitations I have physically PLUS my ability to learn new things in a timely matter, is questionable. Last year, I worked at the front desk of an animal shelter for about 3 hours, and then quit because I completely panicked at how much computer stuff I had to learn. 

I never used to be this afraid of my abilities. My body is crap, my brain is crap...what do I have to offer any employer at this point. Those are the thoughts going through my head. I feel so unproductive right now. My kids are grown. I don't have a job. I'm not enjoying sewing right now so my business is on hold at the moment. Mike has been such a huge support though. He NEVER makes me feel bad and always encourages me to do whatever it is that interests me at the time. Regardless of my lack of the ability to retain information,  I am enjoying this Vet Assistant course and will continue to work on that. In the meantime,  I am working on my body to get it back in shape, and taking this class will hopefully reboot my brain to be able to learn new things again. 🙏🙏🙏 I WILL get myself back on track. I refuse to let fear hold me back. I just have to be compassionate with where I'm at right now. Do what I need to do to get myself back on track and get past this transition period. 

Is that it. 😏

 It's been awhile...

The past year and a half has been very difficult and challenging, but also rewarding and encouraging in some ways. 

Let's recap, shall we. 

In June of 2021, I was diagnosed with Cushing's Syndrome.  This is a condition that's caused by the overproduction of Cortisol, the "stress hormone". Cortisol is naturally distributed in the body during stressful situations or when the body is fighting something internally...it's what they call "fight or flight". If the body has extra Cortisol being distributed, it can begin to damage many other organ functions within the body...all over. 

I had a tumor on my Adrenal gland that was noticed about 8 years ago. I went to a specialist that didn't seemed worried. I unfortunately trusted him. 😡 Fast forward to 2021...I started researching my health problems and different diagnoses over the recent years and made a connection that pointed to Cushing's.  I switched doctor's and after a bunch of tests, Cushing's was confirmed. I KNEW there was something underlying that was being missed. 🤔

After looking back on my life and connecting the dots of all my health issues over the years, I have come to the conclusion that I have probably had Cushing's for over 20 years. TWENTY YEARS! 😳My body has been stuck in "fight or flight" causing all kinds of chaos and havoc within my body for 20 years. At least.  🥺 

So...next step. Adrenalectomy.  Take out the source that is throwing a party of Cortisol. "YOU GET CORTISOL! YOU GET CORTISOL!" (credit: Oprah) 👊 Every organ hit the payload of Cortisol. 💰🙄

The body has two adrenal glands, so my body will be fine with one. However...the other one has been sleeping on the job bc the "naughty" one is running the show. After surgery, it will be forced to wake up IF it still works. 

Unfortunately my body has been swimming in Cortisol for a REALLY long time, so...it DID NOT take kindly to getting it stripped away. 

Here's where I start my timeline for the last year and a half...roughly.  Get ready for the bumpy ride... 🎢

Sept 29, 2021: Adrenalectomy. Removal of the adrenal gland.  Post surgery recovery: A lot of pain. A lot.  😫

Less than a week later: Brett tests positive for Covid. He tries to fight it at home, but gets worse every day. Mike and Colby do everything possible to help him. (This period of time has created PTSD for Colby from seeing his twin in this condition). I was out of commission due to the surgery and Syd was quarantined for exposure from someone else. After several days, he was admitted into the hospital for 5 days. 

Mid October:  I test positive for Covid and get a 5 night stay in the hospital. Yippee. While still recovering from my surgery.  Lots of pain. Lots of STUPID I.V. nightmares. 😤😡🤬

Fun fact💡: I got admitted into the SAME room that Brett stayed in. He came home and a couple days later I went in. AND...it was my FIRST ambulance ride. ☺️ Mark the calendar ✔️

During the next few months: Ready for this. *deep breath*  Several ER visits, my 2nd ambulance ride ✔️✔️, blood sugar drop to the 40's and again to the 60's on a different occasion, a couple more hospital stays, uncontrollable body spasms, tested positive for Mono, tested positive for Lupus and Fibromyalgia, a pinched nerve that was excruciating during every body spasm (MULTIPLE times a day), nervous breakdowns with uncontrollable crying, chronic diarrhea for several months, vomiting all the time, constant nausea....

I'm sure there's more, but... that's all I can remember.  There were many very DARK days. Mike wasn't sure I'd pull through. That's how bad I was. 

I had seen just about every specialist to figure out what was going on. I kept in constant contact with my Endocrinologist (Cushing's doctor) to keep him in the loop in case it was Cortisol withdrawal related. Yes, that is truly a thing. 💯 I read that post surgery recovery is comparable to herion withdrawal. I'm not kidding. I've never taken herion, but my recovery was...no joke. He was certain though that I was on track with my hormone replacement dose. 

I finally went to the Neurologist to talk about the spasms.  Those spasms were #1 💯 the WORST part of the recovery. I dreaded waking up bc the mornings were the worst. All she said was that they were stress related. Really. 🤨

💡 Light. Bulb. 💡

What did I JUST have ripped out of my body?! Uhhh...the STRESS hormone lollapalooza tsunami. That's right. Cortisol.  THE stress whisperer. Apparently my body is not coping with stress well. At all. 

I messaged my Endocrinologist and he was amazed bc spasms have never been a symptom after this kind of surgery. Yep. Leave it to me to be the exception. 🙄😏 Anyway...he said to increase my dose from 40 to 60 or 80. So, of course I chose 80. Duh. LOAD ME UP. 

And wouldn't you know...a few days later I felt like a new person! It took HOW many months to figure this out?? I stayed on 80 for a bit, then tried 60, then back to 40. I found my sweet spot at 60. I am STILL on 60 bc of some of my OTHER diagnoses that are causing my body to require legit more Cortisol. 

Fast forward a bit. 

April-ish 2022: I'm feeling great! The best I have in YEARS! I start working out and seeing a Physical Therapist for some pool exercise.  This was helping me tremendously. I develop a good, trusting and open relationship with my PT. He helps me work out some tight muscles that are causing pain...which hurt like a Mother 🤬, but it was necessary.  One day he decided to channel his inner Chiropractor (he is NOT licenced to do that) and adjust my middle back (it WAS very tight). He pushed down on my spine and it was THE most excruciating pain I have EVER felt. 🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬 Worse than ANY surgery recovery.  💯💯

It took at least three weeks to get back into a position where I could move again without wincing. He caused Costochondritis, fancy word for: inflammation of the cartilage in between ALL my ribs. ALL my ribs. In addition to a Fibromyalgia flare up. 

So...that put me out of commission and off my workout schedule, and I have struggled since to get the energy I had before that happened. 

The next few months were pretty good.  I was getting back the motivation to do things and complete projects.  

Let me just say that again. COMPLETE projects. THAT is huge for me. *queue pat on the back* 👏 

October-ish 2022: Massive headaches, chronic knee pain and inflammed chronic foot pain...resulting in an MRI of my head and one of my foot. 

Foot: Sinus Tarsi Syndrome aka chronic inflammation of the point where my ankle and another bone meet on the top outside part of my foot. Constant burning pain and inability to move my foot in certain directions without pain. Also....Plantar Fasciitis, arthritis and a cyst...all on my right foot. I had to get custom orthotics to correct my step.  It still causes a lot of pain but it's slowly getting better. 

Knees: Very bad arthritis and the left knee is bone on bone at one point. I got a gel injection series in my left knee that is supposed to be better than a cortisone shot. Well....it wasn't. 😡 $450 later, my knee hurts WORSE!! P.I.S.S.E.D. That's what I was. Pissed.  So...I found a new doctor (I was thinking about it before this) and got a cortisone shot in each knee (MUCH better! 👌) and was told I need new knees. But...I have to lose more weight before I do that. Until then, my knees are tolerable with cortisone shots. 

Head: Migraines. Caused by anxiety and stress. MRI: shows hardening of some arteries due to high cholesterol and diabetes. Nothing much to really worry about, just keep those numbers in control to keep it from progressing.  My migraines only last for 15-30 minutes at a time and only occur for a short period of time and then they're gone for awhile. It's weird. 

December 2022: I had my blood retested to confirm that the Lupus and Fibromyalgia diagnosis wasn't due to my body being so jacked up. I honestly didn't think I had it, so I stopped taking the Lupus medication in November for about 6 weeks. I noticed though, after about a week of not taking it, my body hurt ALL over and I was really tired. But I still held out till my appointment.  I got the results back and the number that confirms the diagnosis doubled from what it was originally in January. So...I definitely have it. 😔 Back on the meds and I'm feeling much better in the aching body sense. OH...but I was told that I'm borderline kidney dysfunction though. So...there's that. 🤷‍♀️

January 2023: Blood in my urine. Yep. We're talking brown pee. It happened once one day and then again, several times, 2 days later. No UTI. So, now I'm going to see my Urologist. The same one who did the Adrenalectomy and has also been monitoring a cyst on my kidney.  🤦‍♀️ He might have to do a Cystoscopy to look into my bladder. NOT looking forward to that.  He'll have to stick a scope up in there and fill it with saline to get a good look at everything.  All I can say is...once that scope gets removed...he better be wearing a rain poncho bc that saline will be tsunami-ing all over him. 🌊 You're welcome for the visual. 😉😉

Also this month: I had a check up with my Endocrinologist. The goal after my Adrenalectomy was to eventually wean off the 60mg of Hydrocortisone, aka Cortisol replacement that I'm taking, to a dose that is natural for my body in order to force my other inactive adrenal gland to start functioning properly.  But...my Lupus in uncontrolled right now which means my body is full of inflammation. Everywhere. Because of this, my body needs the extra Cortisol, so weaning off right now sends me into a downward spiral. I DO NOT want that. The spasms start again and the anxiety skyrockets. 

He did,  however, put me on a new diabetic medication called Mounlago, which is known to produce great weight loss results. 🤞🤞

To sum it all up: I am still working on recovery from all the damage Cushing's did to my body. ALL the damage. Everywhere.  Lots of damage. 😟😣 

I don't deal with stress well and my anxiety is a big issue right now. I have to remind myself to take it easy and not overcrowd my plate. I get physically ill when I'm overwhelmed and I just can't do that right now. I have to allow my body to heal and work on rebuilding what's been damaged. I have to focus on getting my Lupus under control, so my body doesn't have to fight so much inflammation.  

I feel like I'm on the other/positive side of things finally and I'm on the right track. I take it day by day and roll with the punches. I try to stay positive and be patient with myself and take care of me. ❤️❤️  

Having strength.

 Who I am today is not who I wanted to be. 

My daughter sees me as lazy in her eyes, and she's right. She sees her mom not doing the typical "mom" things a stay at home mom should do. She sees me sitting in my chair and always asking for help. This breaks my heart. 

My health started to get in the way of my normal activities when Syd was around 8 years old, so she doesn't remember much other than me getting more and more tired. I was 400 lbs by then and food had control over me. It started when I was a child. I come from a family (my dad's side) that loved food, especially sweets. 

A little backstory...

I am an only child, so my parents didn't have to spend all their earnings on providing for a big family. 

This allowed us to do many things as I was growing up. We traveled a lot, it wasn't always far or exotic but it created wonderful memories and lots of good food. And, we went to sporting events all the time, I loved the atmosphere and of course, the food. We went to concerts a lot because I shared the same love for music as my dad and quite a few artists and bands as well. Being an only child is the best. I get complete undivided attention from my parents. 

One thing I loved growing up, was that we ate out a lot. It's something that I still love to do. I noticed, after having kids and meeting other moms that a lot of families eat at home all the time. That just seems so exhausting in my eyes.  Plus, sometimes, whoever is cooking won't be able to sit with the family the whole time they eat.  When we ate out my parents and I got to sit and visit the whole time without worrying about the kitchen.

Current times...

As an adult, I have the same feelings about eating out. I enjoy not being responsible for cooking or clean up AND we could all order what we wanted.  I am just awestruck by families that eat home every night. I know that finances play a big role in that and I don't knock it at all. I admire it. I prefer the easy way in most things and eating out is no different.  

Over the years, I have enjoyed home cooked meals more. My kids are older so we can experiment a little more. The one thing that I hate about eating at home is how tedious and time consuming it is. Plus, I'd hear stories of how my grandma cooked, so it set the bar pretty high. And I thought I had to be the same, and THAT was very intimidating and more than I could handle. My hat's off to her and all the men/women that did and do that daily for their family. 

I cooking at home is a weakness of mine. I have felt a weight on my shoulders to be "that" kind of mom.  The one who makes fabulous meals every night. I've always wanted the kids to say "My mom is the best cook!". I mean, I do ok, when I ACTUALLY  cook. Lol.  The problem I have besides not liking to cook 😉 is all the prep it involves...planning and shopping. I have ADD so focusing long enough to make this happen, routinely, was very difficult.  Mainly because I always wanted to fix something different each time. So everytime I planned for the week, I was researching all over again, which took all my mental energy. So... I ended up getting fast food a lot. This was not healthy for me or my family. 

Now...let's get back to my daughter and her view of me currently. A lot of my choices have led me to where I am today. I struggle a lot with that because FOOD is one of the main reasons I'm the way that I am. Granted, I have found out a lot about my health this year that has played a role in it but now my youngest is 15 years old. She has seen me miserable physically and sometimes emotionally her whole life. I wish I knew then what I know now. Quote, unquote, my dad. 

I have struggled with overeating and eating crap for a really long time.  About 5 years ago, I found out that I have Lipedema.  This is a condition where my body processes fat abnormally and stores it...diet and exercise do not help. Due to this, my legs and butt are ridiculously large and cause major issues and pain in a lot of ways. My normal way of eating was exaggerated and sped up due to the effects of this disease. 

This year I found out that I had Cushing's Syndrome.  This is another disease causing weight gain. It also affects the brain and all the hormones that control hunger, motivation and happiness. In addition to screwing up my metabolism and how my body processes sugar and salt. Thus, contributing to the already growing problem. 

The past 6 months have been especially hard on me. My body is weak and hurts all the time. The last thing I want to do is move. My brain is not functioning well, staying focused and remembering things is beyond difficult. The Cushing's may have been surgically repaired but the effects of it are still there, along with a few other newly discovered problems.  It'll take awhile to get back to a better functioning person. I know this, but I don't like it. 

My husband.  The absolute best man there is. He is my hero. Because of my condition, he has taken on so much extra. Thankfully we have grown kids, but Syd can't drive yet, so Mike is a chauffeur for her busy schedule.  Plus he takes care of anything that requires any physical strength or endurance. And he doesn't complain. He just smiles and has so much expression of love in his face. 

The guilt I feel is awful. I see him taking on so much, between his normal job, church callings, helping out family and friends, keeping the house picked up, fixing everything that keeps breaking down and whatever else comes his way. All while I just sit there. Ugh. The guilt. I try to help him when I can especially on good days. There are so many different things going on with my body that it's a mystery right now how I'll feel each day, and how long a good day will last. It's very frustrating.  

Some of my health problems have caused me to be very sensitive to food. Which is new territory for me. I don't like it, BUT...it is helping me want different and healthier food. Which is great!  I know I'm inconsistent at best with meal planning and eating home. I've asked for help in the past but my controlling tendencies have gotten in the way. 

I have asked Mike again to help me with this. It killed me to ask bc he already has too much on his plate. But I knew he would take this on and get it done and be consistent.  I asked him to take control of EVERYTHING involving food and I promised not to get in the way. I wanted NO control in this. That next minute he was on his phone researching different Apps to help him store recipes, plan meals, take inventory of our kitchen and make grocery lists. This was one month ago and it has been so freeing to not have this responsibility anymore. What he's done is perfect. He got the kids involved in planning, cooking and rating meals. 

With this set up, I am hopeful and praying that my food struggles won't be such a problem anymore. As my mind heals and the hormones get back in balance and my body regains strength, I will be able to show Sydney that I'm not lazy. I am very independent and take on tough projects on my own. I am a strong woman who gets things done. 

Fixing a Stressed Out Body

 It's been almost a year since my last post on my blog, and SO much has happened during that time. 

Last year at this time I was in quarantine contemplating life and my choices, trying to reevaluate what I need to do to improve my health. I was speaking with a therapist for awhile and that helped me see certain things from a different perspective.  I stepped back from my blog and my Facebook group to focus on my journey without the looming worry of acceptance and input of outside sources.  That was ok for awhile, but I missed my friends and the support. I need that encouragement.  

After quarantine I looked into getting Lipedema Liposuction on my lower body to get rid of the excess fat that won't budge with diet and exercise due to the Lipedema disease. I thought by doing this it would make me feel better and get around easier and give my body a reboot to start over without stubborn fat literally and figuratively weighing me down. The surgeon advised me to consult a Functional Medicine doctor to do extensive testing to help figure out why I have so many different health issues. I did just that. Initially I was 100% on board and excited to see what all the testing would uncover. It was pricey but worth it if I get answers. I started a Paleo detox and did what they directed me to do. That was Phase 1. After about a month, results came in and it was time to decide if I wanted to pursue Phase 2...even more $$$$. I was becoming uneasy with moving forward bc it felt sketchy with empty promises. So we declined going forward because per my Primary doctor's advise, all the results were manageable without spending thousands of dollars with this other doctor. 

Ok. So here we are AGAIN. Same issues as before. But, NOW my moods were very erratic and all over the place. I KNEW my hormones were screwed up. I researched new Endocrinologists bc my previous one was a dipshit and very unimpressive. He was quite aware of my 4cm (size of a lime) Adrenal tumor; as well as, my Diabetes and various other issues that should raise red flags when grouped together. Also, I made it known that I suspected that my Cortisol has been out of whack since my twenties. PLUS, to a doctor, they should recognize that I exhibit many symptoms that would suggest my Cortisol level needed to be tested more thoroughly, but he did not do that. He dismissed the tumor being problematic because it was noncancerous in appearance on the CT-Scan; eventhough, it was at a size that should've been removed.  He did a basic blood panel that didn't show numbers that he thought were off. Although I was never called by anyone to go over those results in detail. I learned from my current Endocrinologist that Cortisol fluctuates drastically throughout the day, that's why blood, urine and saliva are all necessary to confirm a problem.  It's a hard and frustrating diagnosis to make. Each test is done at a certain time with strict instructions to get the most accurate reading. I found this out a few months ago. My old Endocrinologist did ONE blood test. That's it! ONE. And sent me on my way. 🤬😡

Moving on...

Fast forward FIVE years!!! This DAMN Adrenal tumor has been a worry on my mind since I found out about it. As I researched the function of the Adrenals, it was becoming more and more apparent that this tumor is not just a cute little blob there to add a little bling 💎 in order to make it feel more attractive.  There was actually something more going on. 

So... I did what any neurotic and determined woman would do. I went on an Adrenal tumor Google search frenzy. A journey down the WebMD rabbit hole, if you will.  Which usually ended in a diagnosis that had me knocking on Death's door. 🤷‍♀️ But THEN I came across Cushing's Syndrome. 💡💡 OH MY GOODNESS. This condition had Jill written all over it! Could this be the answer??? 

Cushing's Syndrome "Hypercortisolism" aka the silent predator that causes havoc on everything within the body. 

MY BODY. FOR 20 YEARS. 

Weight gain ✔

Diabetes and uncontrolled blood sugar ✔

Fatigue ✔

High Blood Pressure ✔

Muscle weakness and Osteoarthritis ✔

Memory and Concentration issues ✔

Anxiety and Depression ✔

Thin skin and easy bruising ✔

Overthinking and low tolerance to stress ✔

Water retention, salt & chocolate cravings ✔

Vertigo and blurred vision ✔

Insomnia and sleep problems ✔

Fat hump between the shoulders & stretch marks ✔

Round and red face, facial hair, acne ✔

Cognitive difficulties and Emotional instability ✔

🤔 I think that's it. Seriously. I'm a mess.

Most of these issues I've dealt with for about 20 years. TWENTY YEARS of Cortisol running rampant causing my body to be in stress mode 24/7. Numerous visits to various doctors treating me for each of these conditions individually.  All of them staring at a morbidly obese woman and using that as their answer to my problems.  I don't deny that my habits and food choices accelerated and magnified each of these conditions. But I was also working with a body that was working against me in so many ways. It's like walking straight into 40 mph winds...you'll make very slow progress moving forward, you'll get knocked down a lot and you'll get pushed back if you aren't strong enough to withstand the pressure. 

It's so frustrating to look back at all those years of my body slowly breaking down, blaming myself for not being strong enough to resist temptation. Overeating to medicate my emotions.  Feeling embarrassed because I can't remember things and my attention span is lacking to say the least. I have sat on the sidelines of so many activities bc I wasn't physically able to do them. My kids have grown up with a mom that has so much more to offer but my body has been incapable of showing them that. It just, makes me sad. And furious too. I am so annoyed at my previous Endocrinologist.  But... what's done is done. I can't dwell on the past. I need to focus on the future and the new possibilities. 

I'm getting surgery this week. An Adrenalectomy to remove my right Adrenal Gland. Right now, my left Adrenal Gland is "asleep" because the right one is overproducing almost everything.  After my surgery, I will need hormone replacements temporarily until the remaining gland is functioning properly. 

I watched a seminar given by an Endocrine surgeon in regards to the recovery of patients after getting an Adrenalectomy due to Cushing's Syndrome. She compared the recovery to a herion withdrawal. 😔🥺 My body will go from having too much Cortisol "the stress hormone" to none in a matter of 3 hours. Not to mention, I believe it's been like that for 20 years. Almost half my life. My body could quite possibly go into shock. I'll get the hormone replacements but I'm not sure how fast they'll react and how long it'll take to get the proper dose. 

She also discussed the rate of improvement on all the symptoms involved. She said that every patient's recovery is different just as every patient's cocktail of symptoms is different.  The blood sugar, HBP will improve sooner, weight loss is usual but calorie intake still needs to be watched. The moods and "brain stuff" will be gradual and my loved ones will probably notice that before I do. The muscle weakness will be a slower turnaround because that will need to be built back up. To sum it up, it's not an immediate fix after surgery. It'll take months to years to get things functioning normally. 

I am beyond relieved that I was able to identify what the root of all my problems is. I don't feel crazy or like I'm making up excuses when I say that there's something more going on. There's something deeper than my food addictions and behaviors that's causing my rapidly declining health.

I am so hopeful. I am looking forward to feeling the life return back to my body and mind. I am praying that my surgery and recovery will go well and without surprises or complications.  This has been a long time coming. 

A New Identity

Things don't always happen the way you expect, but they happen the way you need.

I thought going to an Eating Disorder Treatment Center would be the final ticket that I needed. But...apparently there were other plans for me. 

This experience has been a whirlwind of emotions. My decision to go to a clinic came suddenly and I acted impulsively, which I usually do. It started with research, then signing in for information, then phone calls, then assessments and before I knew it I was going full steam ahead. I have thought about going somewhere like Biggest Loser to get help, but I didn't want a Fat Camp. I wanted something more mellow and sensitive to the mental issues involved with overeating. I wasn't ready for a Drill Sergeant to yell at me and make me run till I puke. That would be more damaging to me. 

I am now in a hotel room quarantined for 2 weeks. And honestly, it has been a blessing in disguise. It has given me the opportunity to reflect, uninterrupted, on my life. I am able to take a good look at who I am today and who I was before. Which parts do I want to keep and which parts do I want to change? In what ways have I been misguided? What am I willing to do without rebellion to make those changes happen? We all have personality traits that we need to cater to and mine is the need to be an individual and not conform to what's expected. I have always walked to the beat of my own drum. I hate following the crowd or trend. 

There were many years in my life that I felt stifled and unable to be that person. I have since removed myself from that and now I am trying to find myself again. I have changed over the years The beat of my own drum is different now. It's a lot less hard rock and a little more mellow...aka Dad's folk rock. ;) I am in a place in my life that isn't so chaotic and I like it. My kids are older and less dependent on me, so I have the ability to pursue other things that take up my time. I have been blessed with a husband that has been able to provide for our family so I could have the precious and priceless job of being available for our kids full time. 

With this privilege came sacrifices for me in other ways. I am an only child, so growing up I had ALL my parents' attention. I got used to being center of attention, I enjoyed it. I have very loving and complimentary parents, so I was praised often. It was attention that I thrived on and needed for reassurance. I also grew up with other influences that weren't so positive all the time. I felt as though I was under a microscope and being judged on everything I did and said. And, it was vocalized whenever I did something not to their expectations. Because of that, the praise and positive reinforcement became that much more necessary for me to feel I was doing ok.

This need for acceptance rolled into my adulthood. It affected the relationships and friendships I had and how I performed at work. I didn't like not being on everyone's good side. I did things intentionally to get that praise and feel accepted. If I didn't get the reaction I wanted, it really hurt and I questioned what I did wrong. I would withdraw a bit. That attention is so important to my well being. When I became a mom and quit my job to stay at home, it was a rude awakening for me. I was completely stripped away from that daily praise of "job well done". I no longer had a job that I could clock out and be satisfied with a completed project or task. I now, as a new mom, have a job that is thankless in many ways. My job is never done. I can't clock out. I don't get thanked or praised for my efforts. I don't live with my parents anymore that spoiled me with affection and approval. Mike didn't come from a family that was affectionate or open with their emotions. So, he wasn't as vocal with me as I needed. Plus he wasn't observant to the work I did as much. Not in a bad way, he just doesn't notice things. He does now because he's older and has learned what I need from him in that way. 

It was during this time that my dependency on food became more of a problem. Food was and is my drug to release a "high" in my mind...a euphoria, a temporary mood lifter and source of receiving that emotion I feel when I've been praised or acknowledged. So...I indulged in that drug often. I was able to manage things just fine for several years with this addiction. But, the weight gain came on fast and started to affect my ability and desire to do things. It wasn't a big issue when the boys were toddlers, but by the time I had Sydney, it became a big issue. By that point, I was Diabetic and newly diagnosed with Sleep Apnea. The Sleep Apnea contributed to the weight gain because I had it before Sydney was born I think. You lose sleep with new babies...no new news there. I would eat to stay awake, usually sugar, then crash, then eat more sugar, then crash...and so on. Hence, the ever growing number on the scale. 

I lived day to day, constantly feeding my face to get that "high" that I craved. Once Sydney was old enough to go to school full time, I had a new sense of freedom. I had all day to myself. I took that opportunity to reach out to a trainer and start Weight Watchers to help me lose all the weight I had put on over the years. I also started this Blog, but I didn't realize at the time, that starting this blog was going to give me the praise that I was aching for. I opened up about my struggles and journey during all this. In turn, I created a huge following of supporters that lift me up and keep my spirits high. For that, I am humbled and forever grateful. And, by doing this, I opened up a new way to receive the attention that I desired...the compliments and vocal affirmations, the "good job" comments that I didn't hear very often...except from my mom and dad. ;) Mike was still learning at this point. 

So, I started to think about my blog and Facebook group and wondered how it's helped me over the years. And, I came to a realization today. I realized that by creating these outlets, I have inadvertently created an unhealthy identity for myself because of my need of positive reinforcement. My weight problem IS my identity. I have created this person unaware of the reason behind it. I know I had a problem with eating long before this, but I think I made things worse by making my journey public. I know it's inspiring to many of you because of the fact that I never give up. But, I worry now if that's because, if I succeed then my posts won't be necessary, and then everyone will lose interest in me. I couldn't handle not hearing "I love you" and "you're amazing" so often. That acceptance and reassurance has become another drug that I have become dependent on. How will I get those vocal affirmations? How will I get those 'good job' comments? Will anyone acknowledge me anymore?? My fear of not being needed or noticed subconsciously outweighed my need to be healthy. What started as a harmless way to connect with others and inspire eventually spiraled into an unhealthy obsession.  

I'm sure this all must sound crazy! Only child stereotype to a tee. Constant need for attention. But...right now...it makes perfect sense to me. If I couldn't get recognition from my kids then I needed to get it from somewhere else. Right?? Am I delusional??

With this epiphany, things are starting to become clearer in my head on how I can move forward and not make my weight and health problems such a main focus for me anymore. I am in a new stage in my life, one where I can create a new purpose, one where I can feed my mind in a healthy way. I have created my craft business and have received great feedback. This is where I can pull that "high" from. A new focus. A new identity. A new outlet.

This is good. I am seeing a future that doesn't look so glum. I may have only been in treatment for a few days, but it has helped me see things from a different perspective. I am so happy I decided to do this. It has caused a great deal of stress on Mike with me being gone, mainly because I decided to get a puppy right before I left. Yes, I know. Wife of the year award. But, also because we are a team 100% and when one of us is gone, the other has a hard time playing the game alone. I can't express enough how much I appreciate Mike taking on so much to let me do this. It has been what I needed to reset myself.

So...it is with much thought that I have decided that I am no longer going to make my weight loss journey public. I don't want attention for this anymore. I apologize to those that have become invested in me and my progress...or lack there of, physically. I will forever be grateful for the family and friends that have stuck with me through ALL the ups and downs through this LONG journey. Your comments were read often for the pick me up's that I needed at the time. But, it is time...well past time, for me to close this chapter. And find my new identity. Thank you all for your love and support! <3 This will be my last Blog post and my Facebook group will also become silent. 

I will continue on my journey to good health. I will do so in my own way without the thought in the back of my mind of how my "audience" will react. I love you all. I am not giving up. I PROMISE!! I am just tired of this being my main focus. It is still a focus, but not one I want to obsess about anymore. 

Be happy with who you are

It has been a REALLY long time since I've journaled on this blog. Mainly because I am disappointed in myself and feel like a broken record posting about the same old same old. But, it is what it is...story of my life.
Here's where I'm at today. In October, it'll be 2 years since my weight loss surgery of the Gastric Sleeve. I honestly didn't feel or see the impact I was hoping for with this surgery. I lost 110 lbs at my lowest, but I didn't stay there long. My problem, for my whole life, has been consistency. I am terrible at sticking to anything for a long period of time. Diets especially. I know, it's not supposed to be a "diet", it's supposed to be a "lifestyle change". Well...screw that, it's a diet! At least until I can create a new normal. And with my history of inconsistency, I never stick to the "diet" long enough to get to the lifestyle change transition.
All my life, I have compared myself to everyone...which most of us do. It's natural and if it's done right, it can be used positively as inspiration to change what you want to change. But, I do this comparison with the thought that I need to change who I am. I get this feeling that these individuals are better than I am, so I start doing things the way they do in order to be like them. And, it's not always about looks either. Sometimes it's about parenting, career, education, lifestyle...whatever I happen to notice and envy or admire.
I grew up with cousins and best friends that were thin and beautiful. And, when you're the chubby girl standing next to them, it really makes an impact on your self-esteem and views on what is preferred or more appealing. The boys always chose them over me and because I was next to someone smaller, it made me look bigger. When I look back on those days now, as an adult, I see a completely different girl than I did in that moment. Obviously there were other factors about me that made the boys view me as the "good friend" instead of girlfriend material. I realize now, that my personality was pretty strong for those timid boys. My sense of humor is one that isn't always understood right away, so it could scare off those not interested in me or getting to know me. So, looking back, I think I intimidated some of the boys unintentionally. Probably pissed off some girls too.
As an adult, I joined a church that toyed with my insecurities in other ways. Not as much looks this time though. Don't get me wrong, I was around very beautiful ladies that made me envious in many ways. But, I was married by this point and openly loved no matter what my size was. At this stage in my life, it was comparing myself to other moms and their parenting, it was comparing myself to other homemakers and their domestic abilities, it was comparing myself to other professionals and their knowledge, it was comparing myself to righteous people and feeling unworthy.
This constant self doubt can be very exhausting, but it was entirely self-inflicted. The friends that I made during this time never made me feel like I didn't belong. They loved me...flaws and all and still do. The stress was brought on because I admired them all so much for various reasons. The homemakers that make fresh bread, homemade meals, perfect desserts, handmade costumes, spend hours canning food for their fully stocked home storage...basically the "farmer's wife" life. I've always been drawn to that and those abilities and talents.
The MOM comparison. Honesty, I've always been proud of my mom abilities because I have some great kids and I know that I was the most prominent person in their life at a young age because Mike traveled a lot. But, by no means, am I taking full credit...my head isn't that big. I am fully aware that my kids have had a village of great role models that have helped me A LOT! But, looking back, I can honestly say that I did a good job. However...there are some traits of a mom that I lack big time. I am not very strict and I don't push my kids enough. Mike always took that role. He instilled a good work ethic and taught them numerous life skills. The moms that are able to do that in addition to being the nurturer are the moms that I take notes from. How do you create a schedule and stick with it? How are you able to stay on budget? How do you enforce chores and rules without swaying? Putting it bluntly...I am a softy.
The reason I am writing all of this is because I have gotten lost in the lives of others, and have forgotten who I am and what makes ME happy. I was driving the other day and, as usual, beating myself up for not doing this or that or for not being this way or that way AND being 43 years old still struggling with the same problems. It's frustrating and causes me to say "screw it" more times than I should. I get tired of the constant war in my head of who I think I should be and not being satisfied and happy with who I really am.
The main reasons that I wanted to lose weight originally was because I love sports and riding roller coasters, I love getting on the floor and playing with animals and babies, I love going to water parks or the lake and going down slides or riding on a water raft. I can't do much of that right now. I am trapped in my body. Some of it is psychological, but some of it is my size and mobility. I wanted to be that mom that did everything. So, I get very depressed because all these years have gone by and I have missed out on so much of those things. I feel that this is who a mom should be.
But, then I thought, there are all kinds of moms and just because I don't do those things, does that make me less of a mom? Am I not the mom that is desired? Same goes for ALL the other things that I don't do well. I put so many rules and regulations on myself to be "perfect" that I lose sight of things that matter. I am not a domestic person, I don't want to make fresh bread, my desserts are edible at best and I have NO desire to can food for storage. That's me. Love it or not. I would rather buy a present than make one. I would rather throw something away than try to fix it. I think having strict rules for my kids doesn't allow them to voice their own ideas. I like working as a team with respect for one another...they know who the boss is but they also know I am flexible and open minded.
Going back to the weight loss struggle. I am so tired of it. I try to be extreme to make the most impact and to see the quickest results. But, it makes me miserable and changes my mood. I enjoy being bigger, I can say that now as an adult. It's who I am. I am soft and cuddly, I have curves and jiggles. I love food. I don't want it to be my enemy. I just need to get to a more manageable weight for my diabetes and other health concerns. Slow and steady. I will continue to work on moderation and cutting down on the sugar. I get tired of saying that I am going to do some extreme change for whatever period of time and failing. Then seeing the disappointment in my loved ones faces and the comments about how I never follow through. They are right. I HATE that reputation. I am going to live my life day by day and try to make the right choices each day. I do much better when I don't have pressure to perform or conform to a mold. It will take longer, but I will be much happier emotionally. The person that I believe that I am is a positive one that brings smiles and helps lift up people around me. When I force myself to do something that takes that side of me away, I don't like that. I will find that balance that I need to stay in a good state of mind but also be mindful of my physical health.
So that is what is weighing on my mind lately. What makes me happy and not trying to be someone that I am not. Being able to live my life without so much guilt and worry of what others think and do.

WLS 6 month anniversary, a recap of the last year and PICTURES!

Be warned, this post is going to be long and detailed. So, grab a snack, get comfy and take a trip down memory lane with me. OR...say forget it and move on. I'll forgive you. Maybe. 😢😉

It has been one year since I decided to get weight loss surgery, so I wanted to start from that time and journal about this WHOLE experience so far. Mainly because, when I get old and senile, I'll forget and this will be my memory. Plus, when I was researching weight loss surgeries, I liked reading other blogs explaining their experiences. It was helpful for me to understand what to expect.

I have been overweight my whole life. Lots of ups and downs...way more UP's by far. Weight loss surgery was always looming over me, but never an avenue I wanted to take. In my early twenties, I was in the 200's mostly. In my late twenties to my early thirties, I was in the 300's. At 37 years old, I hit 400 lbs. By age 40, I weighed in at 450 lbs...my highest recorded weight. You see a pattern here??

In January 2018, I saw a general doctor about an umbilical hernia that I needed repaired. This doctor was very upfront and honest with me...which I appreciated. He said he wasn't comfortable doing surgery on me because of my size and health problems. He referred me to another doctor that also does weight loss surgery. He asked if I had ever considered getting that. I said no because I knew the surgery was only a tool and that my head is what the root of the problem was. The surgery could not fix my thoughts regarding food. I left the office with an appointment to see the other doctor and a new thought in my head. "Is it time? Has it come to that point?" I had a lot to consider. What are the pros and cons? I'm rapidly getting more health problems and losing my ability to do everyday tasks. I know I need to fix my mental issues with food, but will losing weight quickly help with that? Will seeing the weight drop and regaining my independence help motivate me to change my bad habits? I just don't know. I DO know that something needs to change.

In February, we got together with all our other families to celebrate birthdays. All the boys and kids went downstairs to hang out leaving all the ladies upstairs. It was my mom, aunt, 2 cousins and a dear family friend just talking about our lives. My health got brought up and I told them I was considering getting the surgery. Every one of them thought that would be a good idea. It kinda surprised me, especially how on board my mom was. I mean, it's a major surgery and I'm her only baby. But, they all explained that the surgery is what I need to drop a considerable amount of weight quickly in order to get all my other health problems under control. Then I can address the mental issues with therapy. So, with all that love and support, it gave me the green light and courage to make that big step.

I didn't end up using the doctor I was referred to...I wasn't very impressed with him. Luckily, one of my other aunts just had the Gastric Sleeve done and she really liked her doctor. So, I had a consultation with him and liked him a lot. We decided to do the Gastric Sleeve for me as well because it was less invasive and safer due to my size and health issues. 

Next step, insurance. We have fantastic insurance, so I wasn't worried about coverage. What I was wondering about was what they would require to be done before they'll cover the surgery. I had to see a doctor to go on a Medically Supervised Diet for 6 months. This was very relaxed. No super weird diet to follow, the only requirement was to lose 5% of my weight...22.5 lbs. No problem. 😉 I weighed in at 450 lbs and I had been on insulin for a few months by then. This doctor took me off insulin and put me on Victoza bc that drug would help supress my appetite...which it did. He advised me to go on a very low carb diet. I did that, which helped me lose 16 lbs in one week! But...I slowly started to eat carbs again so my weight loss tapered off some. I was still able to lose enough weight within that 6 months to be approved for surgery. Thank goodness. I never gained at weigh in, but my losses weren't as fantastic as that first one.

I had to see other specialists too...a sleep specialist being one of them. So, I got a sleep study done because I have Sleep Apnea. The insurance company needed an updated test for their records. This test is difficult because the technician scheduled to watch you sleep attaches wires all over your head, face and body to monitor everything that is happening during your sleep. Super uncomfortable and so hard to actually fall asleep in order for them to get the results that they need. 

Next specialist...a Cardiologist. This one SUCKED! I had to get a stress test and an ECHO done. I think that's what the tests were called. 😕 All I know is that it was painful and it pushed me to a near panic attack. I had to be injected with a drug that would elevate my blood pressure...A LOT. During which, a technician would be giving me an ultrasound to watch how my heart was doing. No treadmill test for this 450 lb body...thank you. I choose this method, which I'm not sure I would do again. Anyway, the elevating blood pressure felt like I was suffocating and ready to explode. The ultrasound was super painful because due to being a large woman, the area under my breasts gets rashes due to sweating. I try to keep it dry with powder, but that only works so well. The technician had to use the ultrasound wand right on the tender areas under my breast in order to get the pictures she needed. An hour of digging, twisting, turning in the same spots OVER and OVER again...and not always aware of when the gel had wore off was almost more than I could handle. By the time she was done, I was bleeding, in tears and SO done with this test! Thank the Lord they got what they needed and this test was marked complete. ✓✓ 

Those 2 tests were the worst. I also had to take a super long written test given by a Psychologist to make sure that I was in my right mind. This test was dumb and kinda stressful. A lot of the questions were duplicated but worded in a different way. So, I kept second guessing myself wondering how I answered the other question, the whole time driving myself crazy. Mission accomplished. I'm nuts. 😵 Somehow, I passed that test. LOL

Ok...so now it's October. My 6 month waiting period is done. It's showtime now. First step to my cutting day is...the LIQUID DIET. Two weeks before surgery... but I ended doing more than that. And then 2 weeks after surgery. That's right...ONE MONTH of NO real food, no big bites of anything, no chewing of anything other than popsicles. Thankfully, by the last week, the nurse took pity on me and let me eat applesauce, Greek yogurt and Cream of Wheat to help with swallowing the nasty tasting crushed medication and chewables. That was much appreciated! The 2 weeks before surgery, by following this diet, I lost 26 lbs! 😲 Note to self...liquid diets are awesome. This brought my total weight loss to 47 lbs. I ended up gaining about half of that back after surgery due to fluid retention. 

It's the week before surgery and the big thing on my mind right now is...Pampering. Yep. I'm going to be out of commission for a while, so that calls for a much needed pedicure and face waxing. I mean, come on, if I'm going to feel like shit, I should at least have pretty toes, nice eyebrows and no mustache, right? Not to mention, a relaxing massage to take the edge off. No guilt. 😎

Now...it's the day of surgery! I am more excited than anything. I am a very optimistic person, so I don't overly fret about things I probably should. Mike and my parents were worried enough for me. I can't express enough, the love I have for all those who wished me well, prayed for me and checked in on me. I am so blessed with such a huge support system of family and friends. 💗

                                          

 Surgery is done. SUCCESS!! I did just fine. I remember going into the operating room and a team of people moving me from one bed to another. There were lots of nurses and such doing a variety of things in that room...lots of chatter and movement. The nurse was comforting me as the Anesthesiologist was getting ready. The nurse asked me if I'd like to hear music, she said another patient liked that. Music always helps me, so of course I said yes. She put on Phil Collins...which, thankfully I find soothing...and in a few minutes, I was out. I didn't come to until several hours later, after the recovery period even. I don't remember anything after Phil Collins until I was going to my hospital room. I didn't have much pain because the doctor injected a pain medication in me before closing me up. The only thing that really bothered me was my dry mouth and thirst. I wasn't allowed water until the next morning. It was actually pretty funny because my lip kept sticking to my teeth when I talked. They gave me these minty swabs that I could get wet and suck on and wipe my lips with. I guess it's better than nothing. That next morning, I was SO excited to drink my little medicine cup full of water. It tasted incredible!

YUM!! Bottoms Up!

The next couple of days I was doing very well. Nausea was really the only thing that bothered me the first day, but that was short lived. I was up and walking around soon after surgery, not for very long, but I was doing it. The worst part about these few days in the hospital was the headache with my IV. The first IV started to give me a burning feeling when the fluid was running through, so they took it out and brought in the nurses to start a new one. None of them could find one, so they brought in a UV light to help locate a vein. They finally found one, but not long after, the fluid began to pool under my skin. That one needed to be removed. This time they called an oncology nurse to help find my impossible veins. 6 HOURS! It took 6 hours without IV fluids till this nurse showed up. He brought in an ultrasound machine. By this time, I had been poked and dug into so many times, I was just praying for a miracle. He started on my left arm and at one point while he was digging in my arm, my fingers started to tingle and feel numb. 'Umm. Could you move on please? 🙏' He moved to the right arm. Finally, he found a winner! That lasted the rest of the time. Thank YOU.

This picture really doesn't show how badly my arms were bruised up. Both arms and hands were covered.

One of the biggest worries going into this surgery was the fact that I'm on a blood thinner because I have had two episodes of Pulmonary Emboli (blood clots in the lungs). My Hematologist did a "bridging" technique to get me through surgery without bleeding out. I was prescribed a new medicine that was to be be used after surgery till I could swallow the pill of my normal medicine. On the day of discharge (Friday), I noticed a weird bruise on my leg. Bruises are common with being on a blood thinner, but this one was big and I don't remember hitting my leg. The doctor said it wasn't a concern, but he did notice that the blood thinner medicine dosage seemed high. He ordered a test to check what dose I should be on. He wouldn't get the results till Monday, so I was sent home. Over the weekend, this bruise spread like wildfire. And, a lot more bruises were beginning to form. 

This is my belly bloat from after the surgery.

 Monday comes along...keep in mind, I have been on a possible too high dose of medicine for about 5 days now. The doctor calls, at the end of the day and confirms that I was on too much blood thinner. He lowered my dose, but by this point my body had already started going through the damage caused by this without my knowledge. As far as pain is concerned, I was fine up till this point. Monday is when I started to feel it. I knew that gas was going to be an issue, I knew that the internal pain medicine had probably wore off and I hadn't had a BM in almost a week. Given all those issues, I didn't think much of the pain. I took my Hydrocodone and Tylenol as scheduled and realized they were not providing much relief. The nurse instructed me to walk around to get the gas out and take over the counter stuff to help with having a BM. I finally did, but that didn't help the pain. Each day it was getting worse no matter how much a tried to walk. I was doubled over in pain, crying so hard I would hyperventilate. Mike would have to talk me down to slow down my breathing. The pain would shoot through me suddenly causing me to wail out. I never do that. Mike and the kids would just watch me, helpless with worry. Nothing helped. Moving and getting up was excruciating. I would even get pains while I was sitting. By Saturday morning...yes, this went on for 5 LONG days, my body was done. I had noticed I was getting more pale through the week, but I didn't really think much about it. By this day, I was near passing out when I got up, I got a flood of heat through my whole body and I was beyond exhausted with little effort. I knew I needed to go to the ER.

We called the surgeon to inform him of how bad my condition had gotten. All week, we were calling the nurse to see what more could be done, so they were aware of what I had been going through. But, just like me, they didn't know of the brewing blood thinner problem that had taken over my abdomen since the week before. They were advising me, each time we called, based on a normal Gastric Sleeve surgery recovery.

So, I get to the ER. Miserable. And, to make matters worse, I could tell I had a UTI in addition to everything else. I was in so much pain all over. They wheeled me to triage, started an IV and took me to a room. Moving from a wheelchair to a bed was so hard and painful. They were doing all kinds of tests while I was just praying for some kind of relief. And of course, the nurse tried to put pain meds through my IV and what a surprise nothing was going through. Really. Come on! I'm dying here! My nerves were shot, I had reached a point in my mind that I have never felt before. The nurse was twisting and turning my IV trying to find that 'sweet spot' to get the fluids to move through. Nothing. She called another nurse. Nothing. What was probably just minutes seemed like an eternity. 

Finally, I couldn't take it anymore. I needed air or something. The walls were caving in, my level of anxiety was through the roof. I sat up suddenly which startled the nurse and concerned Mike. He told me to sit back. I didn't listen. I HAD to get up. I HAD to strip down because I was so hot. I began to hyperventilate. I walked towards the door to the chair. I didn't know what I wanted, I just needed to move. While I was heading towards the chair and could not catch my breath and then a thought went through my head that terrified me. I thought 'this is it. Is this it?' I honestly was afraid for my life at that moment. Mike, God bless him, was able to calm me down, telling me to take deep breaths and focus. I sat in the chair and was able to regain my composure. After a couple minutes, two other nurses that have a better track record with starting IV's took over that job. They were both so compassionate and kind, it helped calm me even more. The second nurse was able to find a vein. By this point my surgeon showed up. He saw me sitting in the chair barely dressed and visibly shaken up. He instructed me to get back in bed, so I did. They started administering fluid and pain meds through the now functional IV. The doctor told us that the CT showed 2 belly bleeds and the blood work showed my Hemoglobin (blood level that carries oxygen through the body) was half what it should be. So my surgeon ordered 2 units of blood for me, by the end of my stay I received 3 units. After all that drama, the nurse came back to drain my bladder (that was SUCH a relief) to check for a UTI. Sure enough, I had that too. Lovely. 

After all day in the ER, I got admitted and taken up to my room. I ended up spending 5 days in the hospital getting my body back to a stable place.

So, let me explain what happened. Because I take a blood thinner, I bruise easily with any kind of rough handling or fall or bumping into something, etc. During the surgery, the surgeon makes 5 incisions to use laparoscopic tools to perform the procedure. I am sure he is not able to be too gentle with all the work that needs to be done in there. One incision is for the tool used to cut the stomach and pull out the section removed. In this area (based on the CT images) there was a large hematoma that formed (big internal bruise). I also had an umbilical hernia that was repaired, which required a 6th incision. This is where a second large hematoma was formed. As everyone knows, bruises hurt. Especially large ones. That is why I was in so much pain that whole week, I had two huge bruises on the inside of my abdomen that I didn't know about. To make matters worse, I was given too much blood thinner...remember that? Well...bruises are blood suckers, they absorb blood. So, here I have two big bruises in my abdomen surrounded by really thin blood. Those bruises are having a field day soaking it up all that blood. Hence, my hemoglobin level plummeting, causing me to become anemic.   

Luckily, the doctors figured this out, got me the help I needed which allowed my body to recover. It took several weeks for my levels to get normal, but they finally did. I am so thankful for how wonderful everyone at the hospital was during this time. It still took me awhile to not feel like crap though. 

All this happened in the beginning of November and really put a kink in my weight loss progress. By the beginning of December I was back down to the weight I was right before surgery. 

I was finally seeing the light and feeling better and ready to get things going!! The surgeon instructed me to start exercising, so I joined the YMCA to have access to a pool. Nothing better than moving this body in water. It felt so good to stretch and twist and do some cardio with the ease of being weightless. Apparently, I was twisting and stretching so much that I injured my knee creating an extremely painful Baker's Cyst. The cyst finally healed up but then I began feeling a new pain, which turned out to be a torn meniscus and some strained ligaments. Great. This whole period with my knee was so frustrating because I had finally recovered from the other crap and was ready to rock this weight loss.

So, because of all the issues after surgery and dealing with the pain of my knee, I haven't been able to get the maximum results of the honeymoon phase of the surgery. The first 3 months are the best for big time weight loss. I'm really bummed about that. What really has me worried is that I deal with stress with food. This month, I have noticed some of my old habits creeping in. So, I have made plans on how to address this and nip it in the bud before things get worse. 

My knee surgery is done now and I'm darn near normal working condition. I got an extra special and much needed boost when I started seeing weight loss on the scale again. The whole month of March I have been yo-yoing the same several pounds. Yesterday I finally weighed less than my lowest weight which was in February. I hope that I can continue on this journey with no more setbacks and forward motion. I am so tired of obstacles. I would like a clear path for awhile

Here are some pictures of me before surgery and some now to show the progress so far. They are not flattering at all. The before pictures were actually 2 years ago. For some reason, I didn't take pictures when I started this process. I was probably a little heavier before surgery than what these before pictures show. But, there is still a difference. And, I can move so much easier now and I have a lot more flexibility and energy.

My starting weight was 450 lbs. I am currently 358.5 lbs.  91.5 lbs gone so far!! 😃

Before

After. I look so old!

Before

After

Before

After. My butt. UGH!

Before

After

As you can see, my hair is so thin now! I HATE it. For the past few months, it has been falling out in handfuls!! NO JOKE! HANDFULS! It has finally stopped, but I haven't noticed any regrowth yet. I'm praying that it'll grow back! My nails are so weak now too. I used to have great hair and gorgeous nails and now they both suck. SIGH. 😞

Here are a few other pictures to show the progress...

Yesterday

A couple years ago

July 2018

Even with all the setbacks I've had, I have NO regrets!! I feel SO much better now than I have in a LONG time!! I can't wait to lose more weight and feel even better. I know I will always deal with the mind games and emotional torment, but we all have our struggles and this is mine. It could be WAY worse, so I'll take it. The rewards of overcoming challenges are priceless. And so is fitting into a chair with arms without my hips being squeezed to death. 😉