It's time to take a step back and reflect on the past year.
It's hard to believe that I started this blog and my weight loss journey a year ago. So much has changed in a year. I recently went through and reread all of my blog posts from the beginning and it's fun to see the progression. As I have said before, the first few months were primarily mental changes and allowing myself the time needed to sort out my thoughts and behaviors. And, I am so glad that I did, because it really helped me get in a good mindset to get myself ready to change. And, I knew that, once that new year hit...it was time to get busy. And, that is what I did!!
I am so proud of myself and to be quite honest, surprised at the determination that I have had and kept for so long. I am notorious for having all these grand ideas and never following through with any of them. Sure, I'll be good for about a week or maybe two weeks tops. But, after that, I give up...for whatever lame reason it may be. I would usually convince myself that, I was happy with the way that I was. But, in all honesty, it was too hard to change SO many bad habits that I had developed that got me to 375 lbs. It was easier for me to lie to myself and look in the mirror and say, "It's ok, I'm still pretty, I don't need to lose weight right now, my family still loves me for who I am, fat or thin." I was fooling myself because food had that much control over me!!
It wasn't until my kids starting getting older that I really felt the impact that my weight and health issues had on our everyday life and activities. When the kids were baby and toddler ages, it was easy for me to sit my big butt on the floor and play with them...or take them to the park...or take naps on the couch with them. My weight didn't really get in my way at that time. Sure, I hated it and wanted to be thinner, but it was more work and effort that I wanted to put into myself at the time. As they have gotten older and have been able to do more "grown up" activities...that is when I noticed how much my weight limited me to having fun with them. Mike would get all the "play" time because I was too big or out of shape to participate. And...that SUCKED!
So, I knew it was time for a complete Jill overhaul! Time to really take a good, hard look at myself. Time to be honest and admit to myself that I wasn't happy, I wasn't ok with missing out on all these activities! But, how do I change?? It was all so overwhelming and scary! But, I just told myself, "Small steps, one thing at a time, be patient, be compassionate and STICK with it!" So...I took the bull by the horns and prepared myself for a wild and bumpy ride! I knew I couldn't change all my bad habits overnight, that would be too much all at once. I just started with the easier ones to get rid of first, which would help me feel that sense of accomplishment once I succeeded. After feeling that sense of victory, I moved on to the next bad habit...it was very motivating to see myself makes these changes. And, as I was getting rid of bad habits, I was incorporating new good habits. This was a good way for me to stay focused and not get frustrated right off the bat. Once, I started seeing and feeling results...that was all I needed to keep this journey going.
I have had some setbacks and a lot of mind games that I have had to get through lately. But, that's ok. It's all part of the process. If everything was easy, we would have nothing to learn.
So...the kids are back in school, and I have really enjoyed my time with them! And, I will miss seeing their faces and hearing their laughs all day. But I am also anxious to get my "me" time back and get back on track with my weight loss journey!
I am starting what I call, "Phase 2". I am revamping my exercise routine and adding some scary classes. I am so uncomfortable with being that "fat girl" in the back of the class, huffing and puffing and completely uncoordinated. But...I am going to suck it up and just do it! There are still a lot of changes that I need to make...but, again, one thing at a time. I have come so far already, but I still have a long way to go. So, I just need to keep my head on straight, make smart decisions, keep pushing myself and remember to be patient with things that don't come easy.
Monday, August 27, 2012
Monday, August 20, 2012
Struggling.
There is a pattern to my posts lately and I really DON'T like it!!
But, I am an open and honest person, and I like to tell it like it is! As most of you know! ;) And...this is how it is!
I am struggling big time! I need my days of the kids being in school all day back. Don't get me wrong...I have enjoyed having them home. But...this past month, I have gotten a lot more relaxed with my exercise and eating. So, that tells me, that I need my days back.
This stage of my life is really nice. My kids are still young enough that I have a little ways until I get to the empty nest syndrome, yet old enough that I don't have babies or toddlers at home anymore. Having all last year with all 3 kids in school and then this whole summer with all 3 at home, really made me realize how different my state of mind is when I get very little "me" time. I have noticed this summer that, the first half I was fine, but the second half is when I really started missing my "me" time. And, coincidentally, that is when my "funk" started. And, once I get in a funk, it's hard to get out.
I am an only child, and I grew up with a lot of time to myself. I never had to deal with the chaos of big groups much. So, time to myself is necessary for me to regroup and keep my mind in good shape. When I'm frazzled and need a break from noise, but can't get it...I turn to food. Food is my comfort and probably always will be. That is why I gained so much weight after I had the boys...my "me" time went out the window! So...I went to food for comfort A LOT!
So...this is what I am noticing now. I have been craving food more and wanting to eat everything I see. Which tells me, I need "me" time! And, once I give in to the food, it's super hard to get myself back on track. It's like a vicious cycle! And, everything works together. Once I start eating more "junk" food...I feel awful and tired...when I feel awful and tired...I don't want to exercise...so, instead I eat more "junk" food...which then makes me...you guessed it...feel awful and tired. See a pattern?? And, when I'm tired, I crave junk food. And, the tired I'm talking about, is mentally tired. You know...from the normal everyday kid stuff like...being a referee, a maid, a cook, an entertainer, a question answerer (over and over), a taxi, etc., etc.!! See...I was spoiled last year, I got used to not dealing with that during the day, so it allowed me to rest my brain and regroup.
Right now, I feel completely out of control of my schedule! But...I know, that once the kids go back to school, I will be able to regroup and get myself back on track!! Luckily, my funk hasn't been too damaging as far as weight loss is concerned. I know, I haven't lost as much weight or inches over the past few weeks as I would have liked. I just remind myself, that I am human and I can have these episodes. The important thing is, to recognize it and fix it, before it gets out of hand. I have worked too hard and done too well, to allow myself to stay in this funk!! IT WILL NOT HAPPEN!
So... I will now revert back to the quote that helps me forgive myself when I have bad days (or weeks). Which is..."I never said it would be easy, I only said it would be worth it". This too shall pass...
But, I am an open and honest person, and I like to tell it like it is! As most of you know! ;) And...this is how it is!
I am struggling big time! I need my days of the kids being in school all day back. Don't get me wrong...I have enjoyed having them home. But...this past month, I have gotten a lot more relaxed with my exercise and eating. So, that tells me, that I need my days back.
This stage of my life is really nice. My kids are still young enough that I have a little ways until I get to the empty nest syndrome, yet old enough that I don't have babies or toddlers at home anymore. Having all last year with all 3 kids in school and then this whole summer with all 3 at home, really made me realize how different my state of mind is when I get very little "me" time. I have noticed this summer that, the first half I was fine, but the second half is when I really started missing my "me" time. And, coincidentally, that is when my "funk" started. And, once I get in a funk, it's hard to get out.
I am an only child, and I grew up with a lot of time to myself. I never had to deal with the chaos of big groups much. So, time to myself is necessary for me to regroup and keep my mind in good shape. When I'm frazzled and need a break from noise, but can't get it...I turn to food. Food is my comfort and probably always will be. That is why I gained so much weight after I had the boys...my "me" time went out the window! So...I went to food for comfort A LOT!
So...this is what I am noticing now. I have been craving food more and wanting to eat everything I see. Which tells me, I need "me" time! And, once I give in to the food, it's super hard to get myself back on track. It's like a vicious cycle! And, everything works together. Once I start eating more "junk" food...I feel awful and tired...when I feel awful and tired...I don't want to exercise...so, instead I eat more "junk" food...which then makes me...you guessed it...feel awful and tired. See a pattern?? And, when I'm tired, I crave junk food. And, the tired I'm talking about, is mentally tired. You know...from the normal everyday kid stuff like...being a referee, a maid, a cook, an entertainer, a question answerer (over and over), a taxi, etc., etc.!! See...I was spoiled last year, I got used to not dealing with that during the day, so it allowed me to rest my brain and regroup.
Right now, I feel completely out of control of my schedule! But...I know, that once the kids go back to school, I will be able to regroup and get myself back on track!! Luckily, my funk hasn't been too damaging as far as weight loss is concerned. I know, I haven't lost as much weight or inches over the past few weeks as I would have liked. I just remind myself, that I am human and I can have these episodes. The important thing is, to recognize it and fix it, before it gets out of hand. I have worked too hard and done too well, to allow myself to stay in this funk!! IT WILL NOT HAPPEN!
So... I will now revert back to the quote that helps me forgive myself when I have bad days (or weeks). Which is..."I never said it would be easy, I only said it would be worth it". This too shall pass...
Wednesday, August 15, 2012
In a fog...
Don't you just hate it when you do something that you know you shouldn't, and refuse to admit that it's a problem?
Well...that's where I'm at right now.
So...here it is...I am going to admit it now. I...Jill Rowland...spend WAY too much time on the computer!!
This darn machine sucks away a very large portion of my awake hours everyday! And, you know what...it's ALL Mike's fault!!! I never had a computer until I met him!!! So, I refuse to take the blame on this one...haha, just kidding! ;) I am totally the one at fault! I am at fault for the total lack of self discipline, of getting my big butt out of this chair and doing something productive.
I am always complaining about how I don't have time for this or I don't have time for that...I have so many projects that need to be done...blah, blah, blah! Well...DUH!! Of course I'm not getting anything done! Who would, if they spent several hours a day on the computer doing nothing that is productive towards their everyday responsibilities??
And, with having this problem, it creates several other problems. My lack of self discipline leads me to staying on the computer too late at night, so I don't get as much sleep as I should. Which then, makes me tired all day. And, when I am tired, I eat more, because I feel like I need to eat to stay awake. Sometimes I eat good foods and sometimes I eat crap foods, it depends on the day. Another thing that being tired affects, is my desire to exercise. If I am really tired, the last thing I want to do is exercise! So, some days, I really have to force myself to do it.
And, this is the funk, that I have been in the past several weeks. With the kids being home all day, we have ALL been on our electronics too much. Entirely my fault!! Some days it's just so peaceful, that I don't want to break the silence. Mainly because, I don't get much alone time, so this is my way of getting it. Problem is...I created a vicious cycle that I need to get out of.
One habit that I started a long time ago, was eating in front of the computer. Seems harmless, right?? Well...I can lose track of what I've eaten and how much I've eaten when I do this. And, that can be dangerous! An important part of eating, is to be aware of what you're putting in your mouth. If I am going to use my points on something, I want to enjoy it. And, when I eat in front of the computer, I am doing what my trainer explained to me is "Fog" eating. Fog eating is when you eat...just to eat...and you are completely in a fog as to what you are ingesting. So, it is very easy to consume way more calories/points than you realize.
Fog eating goes along with the 4 ways of eating...which my trainer explained to me. There is "Fuel" eating, where you eat foods that your body needs...the healthy foods. There is "Joy" eating, where you eat foods that you enjoy, but are not useful to your body. There is "Fog" eating, that is where you just eat and aren't really paying attention to it. And, there is "Storm" eating, where you are completely aware of eating and you can't stuff enough, fast enough into your mouth. The "Fog" eating is the hardest one for me. And, spending tons of time on the computer is making it that much easier to "Fog" eat. This is something that I need to nip in the bud before the numbers on the scale are affected by it!
One thing that I have to my advantage is that, I have become a lot more aware of my behaviors over the past several months. And since I have recognized this, I will be able to change it before it becomes too much of an issue. I have also realized that I am starting to get bored with my exercise routine and that is another reason why I have been in a funk lately. So paying attention to these cues is essential if I am going to continue to be successful in this journey of mine.
It's time to STEP IT UP! I am going to revamp my exercise routine with the guidance of my trainer and I am going to get out of this "Fog"!
Great things are in store for me...lots more change to come... and lots more small victories to look forward to!!
Well...that's where I'm at right now.
So...here it is...I am going to admit it now. I...Jill Rowland...spend WAY too much time on the computer!!
This darn machine sucks away a very large portion of my awake hours everyday! And, you know what...it's ALL Mike's fault!!! I never had a computer until I met him!!! So, I refuse to take the blame on this one...haha, just kidding! ;) I am totally the one at fault! I am at fault for the total lack of self discipline, of getting my big butt out of this chair and doing something productive.
I am always complaining about how I don't have time for this or I don't have time for that...I have so many projects that need to be done...blah, blah, blah! Well...DUH!! Of course I'm not getting anything done! Who would, if they spent several hours a day on the computer doing nothing that is productive towards their everyday responsibilities??
And, with having this problem, it creates several other problems. My lack of self discipline leads me to staying on the computer too late at night, so I don't get as much sleep as I should. Which then, makes me tired all day. And, when I am tired, I eat more, because I feel like I need to eat to stay awake. Sometimes I eat good foods and sometimes I eat crap foods, it depends on the day. Another thing that being tired affects, is my desire to exercise. If I am really tired, the last thing I want to do is exercise! So, some days, I really have to force myself to do it.
And, this is the funk, that I have been in the past several weeks. With the kids being home all day, we have ALL been on our electronics too much. Entirely my fault!! Some days it's just so peaceful, that I don't want to break the silence. Mainly because, I don't get much alone time, so this is my way of getting it. Problem is...I created a vicious cycle that I need to get out of.
One habit that I started a long time ago, was eating in front of the computer. Seems harmless, right?? Well...I can lose track of what I've eaten and how much I've eaten when I do this. And, that can be dangerous! An important part of eating, is to be aware of what you're putting in your mouth. If I am going to use my points on something, I want to enjoy it. And, when I eat in front of the computer, I am doing what my trainer explained to me is "Fog" eating. Fog eating is when you eat...just to eat...and you are completely in a fog as to what you are ingesting. So, it is very easy to consume way more calories/points than you realize.
Fog eating goes along with the 4 ways of eating...which my trainer explained to me. There is "Fuel" eating, where you eat foods that your body needs...the healthy foods. There is "Joy" eating, where you eat foods that you enjoy, but are not useful to your body. There is "Fog" eating, that is where you just eat and aren't really paying attention to it. And, there is "Storm" eating, where you are completely aware of eating and you can't stuff enough, fast enough into your mouth. The "Fog" eating is the hardest one for me. And, spending tons of time on the computer is making it that much easier to "Fog" eat. This is something that I need to nip in the bud before the numbers on the scale are affected by it!
One thing that I have to my advantage is that, I have become a lot more aware of my behaviors over the past several months. And since I have recognized this, I will be able to change it before it becomes too much of an issue. I have also realized that I am starting to get bored with my exercise routine and that is another reason why I have been in a funk lately. So paying attention to these cues is essential if I am going to continue to be successful in this journey of mine.
It's time to STEP IT UP! I am going to revamp my exercise routine with the guidance of my trainer and I am going to get out of this "Fog"!
Great things are in store for me...lots more change to come... and lots more small victories to look forward to!!
Tuesday, August 7, 2012
Summertime blues...
Having the kids out of school for the summer is REALLY screwing me up!! Don't get me wrong...I adore my kids and I really enjoy having them home, but I can't seem to get a good routine down for myself. I never realized how much I like routine until now. I used to think, "How BORING! I hate routines! I just want to be able to be spontaneous and do what I want, when I want!" Well...that way of operating just doesn't work for me anymore!
I have noticed as I get older and my kids get older, my brain gets overwhelmed a lot quicker. My ability to focus and remember things is getting worse, and I can't multi-task as well as I used to. And, that can get really embarrassing at times, because I could be talking to someone, and not hear anything they say because something distracted me. I HATE that! Then I miss out on a whole conversation, and feel like the worst friend ever. But, sometimes, I just can't help it...I must have ADD for adults. No wonder Sydney and I can't sit down and play with each other for very long...we both get too bored with each other! LOL!
Even though my schedule is totally out of whack and changes frequently, I think that I have still been able to keep up on my exercise routine for the most part. I would like to do more, but some days, I am just too tired. Which, I really struggle with letting myself have an extra day off. I feel like I am letting myself down or being lazy when I do. For some reason, if things don't go the way that I had planned in my head, I really have a hard time adjusting or accepting it. For example...this is my "normal" weekly exercise routine: M-circuit/intervals, Tu-Aqua, W-circuit/intervals, Th-Aqua, F-trainer, Sa-cardio, Su-rest. And, if something comes up to where any of those days don't happen the way I have planned, I get all out of sorts and then think that I have completely blown it for the week! I don't know why I think that way...I just do! I mean, even if I get a different kind activity in...it's not the same...so it doesn't count. And, this is what I think to myself all the time. As my trainer puts it...I have what they call "All or nothing thinking". If it's not exactly how I think it should be, I have a hard time accepting it. It's really frustrating and can be emotionally exhausting as well. Because I am always coaching myself and telling myself that it's ok.
Lately, I have been in a funk, which I really don't like! When I get in these funks...I crave food!!! It has taken all of my will power and constant self pep talks to control myself. I have had the munchies like you wouldn't believe! You'd think that I was either PMSing everyday or that I have been smoking a ton of weed! I am super proud of myself though! Normally, by this point, I would have totally given up. But, even with being in this funk, I am still focused and dedicated to reaching my goals. It just may not happen as quickly right now, but I know once the kids go back to school, I am hitting it full force!
This is my goal...to continue to push myself out of my comfort zone and really see what I am capable of! I want to see just how fast I can get this weight off, build some awesome muscles and be in the shape of my life!! In a healthy manner, of course! I don't want to hurt myself in the process!
I tend to get in these moods and then I snap out of it. No worries though...I am still in this whole-heartedly! I have come too far to give up!!
All of my little victories are enough motivation for me! I put on a shirt the other day that used to be too tight and now it's loose. It is such a weird feeling because that hasn't happened in such a LONG time. I almost feel like it's not real, like I'm living in a dream. I have never accomplished something this great for myself and I'm not even finished yet! I can't even imagine what I'll feel like 6 months from now!! I can't wait!!
I have noticed as I get older and my kids get older, my brain gets overwhelmed a lot quicker. My ability to focus and remember things is getting worse, and I can't multi-task as well as I used to. And, that can get really embarrassing at times, because I could be talking to someone, and not hear anything they say because something distracted me. I HATE that! Then I miss out on a whole conversation, and feel like the worst friend ever. But, sometimes, I just can't help it...I must have ADD for adults. No wonder Sydney and I can't sit down and play with each other for very long...we both get too bored with each other! LOL!
Even though my schedule is totally out of whack and changes frequently, I think that I have still been able to keep up on my exercise routine for the most part. I would like to do more, but some days, I am just too tired. Which, I really struggle with letting myself have an extra day off. I feel like I am letting myself down or being lazy when I do. For some reason, if things don't go the way that I had planned in my head, I really have a hard time adjusting or accepting it. For example...this is my "normal" weekly exercise routine: M-circuit/intervals, Tu-Aqua, W-circuit/intervals, Th-Aqua, F-trainer, Sa-cardio, Su-rest. And, if something comes up to where any of those days don't happen the way I have planned, I get all out of sorts and then think that I have completely blown it for the week! I don't know why I think that way...I just do! I mean, even if I get a different kind activity in...it's not the same...so it doesn't count. And, this is what I think to myself all the time. As my trainer puts it...I have what they call "All or nothing thinking". If it's not exactly how I think it should be, I have a hard time accepting it. It's really frustrating and can be emotionally exhausting as well. Because I am always coaching myself and telling myself that it's ok.
Lately, I have been in a funk, which I really don't like! When I get in these funks...I crave food!!! It has taken all of my will power and constant self pep talks to control myself. I have had the munchies like you wouldn't believe! You'd think that I was either PMSing everyday or that I have been smoking a ton of weed! I am super proud of myself though! Normally, by this point, I would have totally given up. But, even with being in this funk, I am still focused and dedicated to reaching my goals. It just may not happen as quickly right now, but I know once the kids go back to school, I am hitting it full force!
This is my goal...to continue to push myself out of my comfort zone and really see what I am capable of! I want to see just how fast I can get this weight off, build some awesome muscles and be in the shape of my life!! In a healthy manner, of course! I don't want to hurt myself in the process!
I tend to get in these moods and then I snap out of it. No worries though...I am still in this whole-heartedly! I have come too far to give up!!
All of my little victories are enough motivation for me! I put on a shirt the other day that used to be too tight and now it's loose. It is such a weird feeling because that hasn't happened in such a LONG time. I almost feel like it's not real, like I'm living in a dream. I have never accomplished something this great for myself and I'm not even finished yet! I can't even imagine what I'll feel like 6 months from now!! I can't wait!!
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